Terrified to be a Mom...(Intro and Long)

tsharon · January 2011

Hi Ladies. My name is Tracy. I am also on the TTC over 35 board.

I don't have a child, I'm not pregnant, and we're not trying yet.

Long story short (well, shorter anyway!): I have anxiety/panic (since 2002) and was on 12.5MG of Paxil CR. Then when they discontinued the CR, I was put on 10MG. Then cut that to 5, and finally off. Not that the panic was gone, I just wanted off the med because I didn't feel like it was helping me. That was 2008. In Summer 2010, I wound up at a psychiatric hospital begging them to admit me because the anxiety was so bad. They wouldn't admit me, said I didn't need it, but recommended going back on meds. My Dr. gave me 10MG Lexapro, which I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! I feel like a PERSON again! I can go out, go on the roads again (as a passenger), and just generally feel "normal" again.

BUT - "normal" for me isn't "normal" for everyone else. I don't stay home alone, nor do I drive. I'm just getting back to point where I can travel on the interstate (again, only as a passenger.) Thank the Good Lord that my mom doesn't work - I go to her house everyday.

Well, counselor and I were talking one day and children came up. I mentioned that I had made the decision to not have children, and DH had a vasectomy in 07 after I gave him the go-ahead. I thought I knew what I was doing, was just sure I made the decision not to have kids because I just wasn't cut out to be a mom. She asked how I felt about the decision today. I said "well, I have pangs, you know? I guess everyone feels that way when they make that kind of decision." She just stared at me. So to fill the silence, I said "I just don't know I would be a good mom. And that's just the decision I made. And regardless, what's done is done now. Can't change it." She looked at me, said "actually, Tracy, I think you would be a great mom."

And that would be when I started crying. In her office. With mascara streaming down my cheeks, making tracks in my foundation. Oh yeah, it was lovely. I finally spit it out: I was terrified of not being able to handle it. Not being a good mom. Not being able to care for a baby. What if the obsessive thoughts got worse? What if, What if, What if?

Anyway, I went home and talked to DH and the first thing out of his mouth was "vasectomy's can be reversed!" I was stunned. He is divorced (a particularly nasty divorce) and has a now 22 year old daughter. He was ADAMANT about not wanting kids when we met 12 years ago. Then he mellowed after we married in 06 and asked if I wanted one, because he would be willing. But now he's actually proposing it? Excited about it? Who-in-a-what-now?

Sooo, here's the skinny: I want a kid. Counselor suggested Dr. up my Lexapro to 20MG, so that I could get working on my fears and phobias. Said better to get pregnant AFTER I conquered anxiety/panic and get off all meds after I'm better. DH ready to get vasectomy reversal in the spring. All on track to TTC, but I'm so scared.

What if I can't move past the anxiety/panic? Do I not get to have a baby? What I do move past it all, have the baby, and go right back? Am I going to take my baby to my mom's everyday? Have someone else drive us to her dr. appts? You know? And PPD TERRIFIES me! I've not really had to deal with much depression (just some seasonal affective disorder which isn't that severe) and I'm so scared that it will happen.

If I vented this anywhere else in the world, people would stare at me like I was wearing a tin foil helmet and licking windows, but you all have been there, so I am so hoping that I am "safe" here.

I'm so scared.

Hanginginthere2010 · January 2011

umm... well... I think you would need to make sure you have a really strong support system if you decide to have a baby. Like, what if the baby gets sick or hurt and your DH is at work and you have to drive the baby to the pediatrician or hospital? Who can come to take over child care if you suffer another episode that led you to the doors of a psychiatric hospital? Does your DH understand how much he will have to help you? You will most likely suffer postpartum anxiety and need to consider whether you're going to breastfeed and if your medication is ok for that, I'm fairly certain you'll need meds after all the hormonal changes of having a baby. I'm not sure what your obsessive thoughts are, but consider whether they are so strong that it would prevent you from seeing to the needs of a baby? A baby depends on you for absolutely everything. Can you function on no sleep and still do what needs to be done?

I don't know what to tell ya hon about having a baby. I don't know whether your therapist said that to help your self-esteem or if she meant it.

I hope I didn't come across harsh. It's a huge responsibility to have a baby.

tsharon · January 2011

Hanginginthere2010:
umm... well... I think you would need to make sure you have a really strong support system if you decide to have a baby. Like, what if the baby gets sick or hurt and your DH is at work and you have to drive the baby to the pediatrician or hospital? Who can come to take over child care if you suffer another episode that led you to the doors of a psychiatric hospital? Does your DH understand how much he will have to help you? You will most likely suffer postpartum anxiety and need to consider whether you're going to breastfeed and if your medication is ok for that, I'm fairly certain you'll need meds after all the hormonal changes of having a baby. I'm not sure what your obsessive thoughts are, but consider whether they are so strong that it would prevent you from seeing to the needs of a baby? A baby depends on you for absolutely everything. Can you function on no sleep and still do what needs to be done?
I don't know what to tell ya hon about having a baby. I don't know whether your therapist said that to help your self-esteem or if she meant it.
I hope I didn't come across harsh. It's a huge responsibility to have a baby.

Yes, there could be support because I would get a nanny if I needed to, though she wouldn't be alone with the baby. She would be my "mother's helper" more than anything. What led me to that hospital was fear of panic attacks. I was just tired of having panic attacks. My counselor actually believes I would be a good mom, she urged me to reconsider not having one. I wouldn't be breastfeeding, not my thing. So if I needed to go back on meds after the baby, that would be okay. And my DH - awesome. Amazingly supportive, completely aware that if I got rid of the anxiety it could come back post-partum. Obsessive thoughts...they are fairly common in people with anxiety. I don't worry so much about them because I know exactly what are...anxious thoughts that don't mean anything.

I have the support I need. I guess I was just looking for some input from the women on this board who know exactly what I mean because they have both babies AND anxiety/panic issues. I know I'm not alone in this.

Hanginginthere2010 · January 2011

tsharon:
Hanginginthere2010:

umm... well... I think you would need to make sure you have a really strong support system if you decide to have a baby. Like, what if the baby gets sick or hurt and your DH is at work and you have to drive the baby to the pediatrician or hospital? Who can come to take over child care if you suffer another episode that led you to the doors of a psychiatric hospital? Does your DH understand how much he will have to help you? You will most likely suffer postpartum anxiety and need to consider whether you're going to breastfeed and if your medication is ok for that, I'm fairly certain you'll need meds after all the hormonal changes of having a baby. I'm not sure what your obsessive thoughts are, but consider whether they are so strong that it would prevent you from seeing to the needs of a baby? A baby depends on you for absolutely everything. Can you function on no sleep and still do what needs to be done?

I don't know what to tell ya hon about having a baby. I don't know whether your therapist said that to help your self-esteem or if she meant it.

I hope I didn't come across harsh. It's a huge responsibility to have a baby.

Yes, there could be support because I would get a nanny if I needed to, though she wouldn't be alone with the baby. She would be my "mother's helper" more than anything. What led me to that hospital was fear of panic attacks. I was just tired of having panic attacks. My counselor actually believes I would be a good mom, she urged me to reconsider not having one. I wouldn't be breastfeeding, not my thing. So if I needed to go back on meds after the baby, that would be okay. And my DH - awesome. Amazingly supportive, completely aware that if I got rid of the anxiety it could come back post-partum. Obsessive thoughts...they are fairly common in people with anxiety. I don't worry so much about them because I know exactly what are...anxious thoughts that don't mean anything.

I have the support I need. I guess I was just looking for some input from the women on this board who know exactly what I mean because they have both babies AND anxiety/panic issues. I know I'm not alone in this.

Sounds like you've really done your homework. I wish you the best of luck! I'm sure you can do it and it'll be amazing when you get to be a mom.

tsharon · January 2011

Thank you! And thanks for being real with me.

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