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kxp004
member
Refuse to go to MIL's house - minor vent
kxp004
member
Okay, so our baby isn't born yet, but I'm looking for people who already have babies and can offer advice...
First and foremost, my husband and I are trying to find a nice way (though this may be a stretch) to tell his mother (my MIL) that we will not be visiting their house until it is cleaned and kept clean. They are only a 3 hour drive away and we don't mind going up there to visit, but if we do, we will stay in a hotel and never step foot inside the door. I know this sounds awful, but...
...the house is DISGUSTING! I'm not talking about their decorations or anything of that nature. I'm talking about filth. She has 3 cats, 1 dog and a bird. The litter box is so full that the cats use the bathroom around the litter box and pull the litter out of the box and onto the floor to cover up their mess. The dog is never let outside so when it has to go, it goes on the floor...but never gets cleaned up! Prior to being pregnant, we would go to visit and the poop that was there from the last time we visited was still sitting there! The bird is a lost cause...it is never let out of it's pen and more often then not is so filled with bird crap that it is piling up on the tile next to the cage. And none of the animals have had baths or been de-flea'd. My FIL can't keep it clean because more often then not he is oversees in Iraq (but when he is home even he can't keep up with the mess no matter how hard he tries)
The last time that house was DEEP cleaned was May 2009 when my husband and I insisted on cleaning the house for the FIL's return from Iraq. It TOOK over 8 HOURS just to steam all the crap out of the carpets! It's never vacuumed, mopped or dusted on a regular basis. Most of the time if she cooks the dishes will sit dirty in the sink until they start to mold and even then who knows if they will get clean...
It is really worrisome to us because my husband has asthma and the house is difficult for him to be in, and once the baby is here, I don't really think that is the best place for a baby to be...
So again, advice...Am I wrong in not wanting to go to their house? I don't mind visiting them, just not at their house....I mean, how many of y'all would take your children here? And if you wouldn't how would you say we won't be visiting unless the house is cleaned...THOROUGHLY... or would you give any reason at all?
[Poll]
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Re: Refuse to go to MIL's house - minor vent
I would not want my LO in that house. I would offer to have them come visit.
I would probably let hubby approach the subject of their home. And would only bring it up if they asked why you don't visit.
This exactly. I'm sure they will be understanding about you not wanting to travel with LO for a little while after birth but at some point they will expect you to go there. You/DH need to make it quite clear that unless the house is CLEAN you will not take your LO over there.
Think about it this way, what happens if your LO starts crawling and gets into the poop or pee. Bad news. Especially cat urine. It can be hazardous to an infants health.
Ummm... we're not sure, but I certainly wouldn't be the one to suggest it....maybe if my FIL brought it up we would support him discussing it with her, but I don't think it is my place...y'know? but truthfully, I think she is a minor hoarder...and possibly depressed... she seems to get real down everytime he goes overseas and buys anything and everything she can get her hands on regardless of need or necessity...I certainly understand it, but then again I'm not a psych, so I can't really say... I do believe she has prescriptions, but I dunno if she actively takes them....
Hmmm, I am not a psych either but I know hoarding is a mental disease that can not be cured with cleaning. The house will go back in no time and hoarder really do need someone who specializes in that behavior. So you think she might have a shopping addiction too? Yeah sometimes shopping addictions and hoarding go hand in hand. I think my MIL might have one as well. Maybe your FIL can talk to her about seeing her doctor for a check up and maybe bring it up there ?
You said you guys did a deep cleaning in 2009 ? Did you get rid of a lot of stuff? What was her reaction?
Overall I definitely think you need to stay at a hotel. As with any addiction, they have to hit rock bottom before they seek help. By forcing yourself to stay at her house, you might be sparing her feelings but in the long run might not be helping her. Maybe, just maybe realizing that she won't have a normal grandparent/grandchild relationship will be the encouragement she needs to seek help. Might not work but you never know.
After we cleaned in 2009 everything stayed that way until FIL couldn't keep up with the mess MIL was making... Like I said I know she has medications, but what for? I dunno... We did throw out a bunch of stuff and donated what was salvageable... she didn't really seem to care too much.... It was more like she buys the stuff because she has nothing better to do...or it was on sale/a good price... She'll get rid of old clothes, but then buy a ***-ton of new ones even though the old ones weren't that old (2+ months maybe)....The last clean being 2009, she has pretty much replaced all the junk we threw away with new junk...
A lot of times she tries to give it to us! I have repeatedly had to tell her that we didn't want any of the furniture (couches, chairs, dressers etc..) or anything else.... Everytime she comes to visit she brings at least 20 of those stuffed animals from the claw machine at Cici's pizza....So I don't really know what to call it because she's not protective of it like a hoarder, but then she just keeps getting more and more
Yeah sounds like a shopping addiction. Again, I think my MIL has one too but she refused to see it because " only rich people have shopping addictions." She doesn't realize that the majority of people who have shopping addictions shop at consignment/ second hand/ discount stores and garage sales. Her house is somewhat clean I suppose but it is just so clutttered. She has so much stuff everywhere. She is really into cutesy country craftsy knick knacky stuff. When she goes out and buys stiff she just thinks " This will make me happy" not "Where will I put this ? " or " Do I really need another one ?" or "Even though it is cheap, do I want ot spend my money on it?"
She doesn't have any pets so we don't have that problem. The only thing is her back yard. Her grass is poking up over the fence and it is a 6 ft fence. No I am not joking. She hasn't cut her grass in years. She has weeds that I thought were trees. How her neighbors haven't complained to the city, I have no idea. We thought about reporting her ourselves because it has to be a pest/ fire hazard. It isn't as imminent as animal feces but still a hazard. Seriously, they live in a very dry part of the country and the surroudning area is always in the news for forest fires.
You have right to make sure your LO never goes over there! You should suggest they come to you, and if you have to go there, get a hotel, period. And if they ask why, your DH should tell them the truth.
I've dealt with the exact same issue. When I started dating my DH, I discovered his dad and stepmom had the exact same kind of house-abolutely filthy because of pets . What was worse was that we were in HS at the time, so DH was stuck living in that mess! And there were other issues as well, it was an awful situation. When he moved out we have barely been back, and never slept over. We have been in a hotel the last time. There is just no reason to put up with that, it's not normal and it is absolutely a health hazard, anyway.
So, now that we have a child-DS is definitely NEVER going to that house, ever.
OH-MY-GOSH
I could have posted this same thing, except it's just my MIL and she has WAY more animals. (7dogs, 5 cats, a bird, goats, chickens and a horse) The smell is unbearable, the floor is nasty, there is poo everywhere. She complains she has no time to pick it up and cries to my DH that its too much. Hey I have an idea-GETOFF farmville and take care of your real animals or get rid of them. She is also upset b/c she knows that if we go down there (we're in MA, she's in FL) that my LO will NOT be going to her house until its cleaned-Hey I have an idea, clean it up so your ONLY grandson can come visit you...sorry for the vent but honey I feel your pain. You can't help people who wont help themselves-or don't want to....
I agree...doesn't sound like a place to take a baby, and the easiest solution would be for them to travel to your house maybe you could explain it to FIL and he could find a way to approach it with his wife!