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Parenting after 35
mtnrider
member
Why do people think they're being supportive
mtnrider
member
when they downplay medical issues? My parents and even a few of my friends have been doing that this weekend. We found out Friday that Simon has to have surgery ASAP on his Branchial Cleft Fistula (the more it gets infected the harder the surgery is) so he's scheduled Feb. 7 and we're pretty worried because it's a 1.5 or 2 hour surgery under general anesthesia which involves sticking a probe up the hole in his neck and cutting tissue out around it and pulling out the tract without hitting any facial nerves. And if even one cell is left behind it could regenerate and he would need surgery again. And the pediatric ENT has no clue how long the tract is or where it goes (up to his tonsils or sinus or down to his voice box). So my parents send me a fvcking email calling it a "minor procedure". Removing a mole is a minor procedure. This is a rare, delicate surgery and they need to call it major like it is. But my dad is a hypochondriac and has a history of downplaying everyone's afflictions except his own. Anyway, I am so upset right now I don't even want to talk to them before the surgery because it will just stress me out more.
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Re: Why do people think they're being supportive
Honestly, I think people don't always understand what to say. I have been there way too many times with friends & family regarding my oldest & his surgeries.. their heart is in the right place, just not the words. I sometimes have to just take a step back.
I am sorry that Simon has to go through this. It will definitely be harder on you than him at this age.
I think this too. People want to downplay it for your sake. Hopefully they don't really think that is a minor procedure and will show you proper support when the day of the surgery is here. If not, you have us! We'll support you along with your friends and other family.
Aw, thanks! No other family close but that's what friends and Bumpies are for!
Awww, I am sorry. Surgery is scary enough, surgery ASAP is worse, but having people imply it's no big deal is infuriating.
I am so sorry you guys are going through this. Where will you have it done?
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First of all, sorry about the need for surgery for Simon. I'll keep you all in my thoughts that day sending good vibes your way.
Secondly, people get so funny when they're scared. I'm going to assume that the family is trying to make you feel better? I can't tell you how many times with my mom I would tell her that whatever her next procedure was that it was straight forward and minor - even if I knew otherwise. I think I was trying to minimize it for both of us even though deep down we were all terrified.
Going home the same day is awesome!
I'm glad you liked your ENT, let me know when it all goes down so I can send good juju thoughts and check in!
Agree with PP's: they may mean well but just don't know what to say exactly.
Wishing you and Simon good luck with surgery and very fast recovery!
Anytime someone says they need to have surgery asap you know it is serious. I hope Simon's surgery goes well and that he has a speedy recovery. I think it is great that he gets to go home the same day. If Rachel needed surgery I know I'd be on edge and pretty freaked out.
I think most people downplay stuff thinking that they are going to help calm someone down when we just need to be validated, both emotionally and logically.
::hugs:: Your family will be in my thoughts.
I totally understand what you mean. Anytime I tell someone about S's CN, the majority think it is not a big thing. They don't realize the extent of it and what it can lead to. I've stopped telling people except for a few - it is better for my sanity that way.
All I can say is that your parents and some friends are morons. I'd keep the information that you tell them to a minium and realize that they will not be able to give you the motivational support that you need. Focus on Simon and those friends you can rely on. This is a big thing and I have total confidence that Simon will be okay. But it is scary.....
Know that we are here for you and will give you ears to talk to and shoulders to support you. Lots of T & P coming your way.....
What is CN if you don't mind me asking...?
I have nothing insightful to say, but I want to give you a cyber hug because I know this is a big deal and that you're stressed and worried.
((((HUG))))
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It is a congential nevus - bascially a large mole on her head. You might remember my situation from an earlier post - I had put out a call for recommendations. I remember you had shared that you were looking for a specialist for Simon as well.
Since you mentioned a mole surgery above, I didn't want make you feel uncomfortable for using that example in your post. While her CN is a mole, it doesn't always act like a mole and can cause other issues. I totally got the correlation - hope that makes sense -
Yes I do remember that. Sorry to use mole as an example
, I was thinking about my mother who has had numerous moles removed from her face, neck and back and they were all very minor prodedures, totally different from S's condition though. What was the result of your doctor search? Do you have to take her out of state or did you find one in NM?
No worries here - I totally understood what you mean. Regular mole removal is easy. Surgery with LOs is more serious and I know how you feel. Sorry that I hijacked your post. From all of my research, it looks like we will be going to either San Francisco, Baltimore or Phoenix. I keep forgetting to post on here - just set up another post so I don't take away from Simon's surgery. Lots of hugs from NM coming your way.....
I'm sorry. No matter what the situation is it sucks to have your feelings/concerns invalidated, esp. when by your family and when the *situation* is your baby! I agree with PPs that people just don't know how to show concern without making matters worse. I think they either go to one extreme or the other.
It sounds like S. is in good hands with his surgeon. However, he's your little guy and I'd be a nervous wreck too.