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Success after IF
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Those with mental illness in their families...need support:(
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Very long story short -my mom and older sis have bi-polar. Sis self-medicates with an array of recreational drugs and when she isn't on something she is so depressed she cannot function. In and out of rehab and mental health treatment facilities. Mom -fairly stable on her meds, but is SOOO enabling to sis.
Sis has three kids, one of which is in her custody, a 6 yr old girl. Sis got put back into the hospital today and I am physically the closest to where she is living. Everyone thinks that we should take on her child. Believe me, we've tried to help so many times, even took temporary custody of her now 11 yr old girl for 6 months during of 1st yr of our marriage (talk about stress!). I just cannot do this. I cannot take my time away from MY kids. I can't keep trying to help in a situation that just keeping getting worse. But, my whole family is making me out to be the worst person in the world. Maybe I am, because honestly, I am even tempted to call CPS and beg them to put this child into foster care:(
I guess I just need some support from those of you who have family members with mental illness and understand these kinds of situations. And reassurance that I need to do what is best for MY family.
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Re: Those with mental illness in their families...need support:(
Huge Hugs. You do need to do what is best for your family. You didn't bring your sister's kids into the world, and you are NOT responsible for their care. That said - whatever you CAN do for the little girl - may someday mean the world to her when she looks back on her ridiculously tough childhood. But you can only do so much - and only at certain times of your life. I deal with a similar situation - a sister who is chronically depresses and she has a schizophrenic 23 year old son - and my two wonderful, sweet nieces - 17 and 9. I have struggled mightily with what I *can* do for them - wanting to "save" them - wanting to do something so they won't grow up to be damaged. And I have turned myself inside out in the past - and jeopardized my own health, and my marriage.
But now - Jack comes first. He is my child. I'm his mother first. A good aunt second. I do what I can - and I DON'T do - what I can't do. And you know best what you CAN'T do (because it will negatively impact your family, or you, or is just physically/mentally/emotionally impossible - for whatever reason.)
Mental illness SUCKS. There are NO easy answers. Be great if everyone would take excellent care of the children they bring into the world, wouldn't it? Ugh.
Again, ((((((( HUGS ))))))) to you.
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
Ditto!
Is there any way you could take her until one of your critical family members can come get her?
Thank you all for your kind words and support. Some days I feel like moving away from all of them and not leaving a forwarding address.
To add to a totally effed situation, I just learned that my niece's grandma is willing and able to take her. But my family won't let her b/c my sis fears that if her daughter goes with her ex's family they won't give her back. IMO, my niece is probably much better off with them. Oh, and my niece's father is in prison.
I'm so sorry sweetie. You are in a very difficult situation. My MIL is bipolar and my younger sister has issues in her marriage and life that have lead to myself and my husband helping them substantially in the past. Like you, I often times feel as though I'm done because it's hard to keep helping people who either don't seem to appreciate it or who despite your help go right back to doing the same things they were doing that got them into trouble.
If it were me, I would take the child in, because although my frustrations with my own family are huge, I would want to help an innocent girl. Your family may be the only normal family atmosphere she'd ever know. But only you know what you and your marriage can handle and only you know what your family needs and if you can take on the addition of another child. If you can't, you can't and you shouldn't get grief for that from your family. If they all feel so strongly that you need to help then why aren't they stepping up to help? Being physically closest doesn't make you solely responsible.
Also, I don't think it makes you a bad person to want to call CPS. I don't think there would be anything wrong with calling CPS if you feel that is in the best interest of your niece. They can provide a foster home for this girl which may be the best thing for her right now.
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life
Sorry you are having to go through that...it is a very tough call. You want to help your niece but it is a pretty big deal to take her on. I can certainly understand you are not up for it especially with having twins to take care of and the fact that everyone expects you to do this.
I can't believe that her grandma is willing and able to take her in but your family won't let her. If they feel that strongly about it why aren't they taking her in.
We are sort of in a similar situation but we had seen it coming for a long time. My H's nieces have two very dysfunciotnal parents who care about no one but themselves (especially mom, my H's sister). 5.5 years ago we were ready to take them in but our oldest niece was not ready for it then. We have had to "rescue" them a few times in those years from a bad situation. We actually called CPS several times and they were absolutely useless ( I feel bad for kids out there who don't have the resources we have who are dependent on CPS to potentially help them). 1.5 years ago things got really bad and our niece (14 at the time) had to call the cops on her own mother. We ended up rescuing them once again and decided then that this was it. The oldest niece was ready this time to have us move them in with us and fight for them (the youngest was 9 at the time). We filed for emergency custody and got a good lawyer and 3 months later we had permanent custody. Since this was sort of waiting to happen we had had several discussions about it. My H and his parents definitely asked me several times how I would feel about it and if I would be up for it and it was not expected of me to take this on. The way I looked at it was: we either take care of them now and we still ahve a chance to raise them to be good citizens with potential for a good future or we take care of them later when they are completely screwed up due to neglect etc. My H is their mom's only sibling and their father's side of the family is moslty screwed up and into drugs as well so that wasn't really an option either.
We are very fortunate that we are pretty well off and that H's parents are still paying for the any expenses related to their care because it definitely adds to your expenses. They are just happy that we are taking care of them and that they don't have to do it (they are in their late 70s/early 80s).
The kids were very much behind in their education when we first got them. The youngest had never had a birthday party (she turned 10 the summer we took them in and that was her first birthday party ever) We have been very lucky so far that things have gone very well. They are now 11 and 16 and are really thriving and turning into good citizens (not that they were bad kids before they just had no direction). It is very rewarding to see that they are doing so well now that they have structure and rules (when the youngest was about 6 and they spent the weekend with us one time she asked: is this a house with rules?").
They have not seen their parents in over year now and have infrequent contact. The little one misses her mom and dad a lot which is sad but I think she does realize that things are better for her here.
When we took them in we were in the process of doing IVF and were successful. So now we have the 2 of them and an 8 month old. (I aslo have 2 step kiddos who live with their mom out of state).
It is a very big commitment ( we have them until they are 18) and so it really should not be taken lightly. If you don't feel that you can take your niece on right now I really can't blame you for that. Like I said, we are very lucky that we are financially stable and have the extra financial support from H's parents. It sounds like there is a willing relative. Maybe if you do contact CPS you can provide them with that info as well.
Am I glad we took our nieces in? Yes. But that said I sometimes wish that we didn't have to do that and that we would just have our little family. On the other hand, my DD will grow up with sort of siblings that she would not have had otherwise (her half sisters aren't around except for a few times a year) since I am done having kids (it was hard enough having one, plus I am 38...).
Good luck! I know what you are going through but don't get guilted into something you are not ready to take on.
You said your sister has 3 kids but she has custody of only one...who took in her other 2 kiddos?
Sorry this was so long......