Frustrated and feeling broken...WWYD ::long::

missyjg · January 2011

What would you do? I'm not looking for decisions but sometimes people respond with things I never thought about. Ok, babbling...

Long story short:

DD was conceived naturally after 4 IVF's cycles. No eggs were retrieved that were of good quality (of the over 30 eggs, only 1 divided...that's how bad it was). I had ovarian cancer at at 29, kept my right ovary but the treatments pretty much ruined the eggs in that ovary. But somehow DD showed up, and my RE actually came into the room, touched me and said "I just wanted to know what a miracle felt like". Thankfully, there were no problems with her development (that we know of right now) and she's healthy.

I want another child. We tried by ourselves since we got the OK from my doctor. I got a BFP on October 1, 2010. Miscarried on October 8, 2010. Went in for IUI #1 in December. BFP, unfortunately, I miscarried on Wednesday. Talked with my RE today and we have so many options. So here's my dilemma:

Options:

a. We can continue with IUI's in hopes that we find a "good egg" and the pregnancy sticks, knowing that the possiblity of miscarriage is HIGH! (Honestly, I think I might end up in the nut house if I have to endure another miscarriage. But I'm still trying to deal with our last miscarriage and having to think about the next thing to do is a little much right now. )

b. We can go stright to IVF with hopes that they harvest a good quality egg. (we went through 4 cycles b/f having DD. All the money, all the shots, all the appointments...for nothing. Not even a chance since none of the eggs were of good enough quality for a transfer.)

c. We can use a donor egg with IVF (This pretty much doubles the expense of the IVF. Apparently we have to pay for the donor egg and on top of that, pay for the IVF medications and proceedure. Anyone with any insight on this? I've never looked into using a donor egg before)

d. Adopt

e. Be a "one and were done" (but I really would regret this I think, but it's still an option. Also DH is 40. He wants to have a baby soon or be done b/c of his age. I'm 34. But I understand his point, he wants to be young enough to enjoy his kids".)

So we just paid off the 4 IVF cycles from before (wrote the last check on the 1st). That check was so difficult to write each month. So if you were in our shoes, what would you do? As I said DD was conceived naturally..no drugs..no intervention, just an outcome of a beer pong tournament that we had a little too much fun at:)

So that's my dilemma. Not sure why this has to be so damn hard! As I said I'm feeling pretty broken right now. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, especially for my daughter. I know some of you are going through similar situations, and my heart breaks for you. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Sorry it was so long.

howleyshell · January 2011

Ugh!

I'm so very sorry for your loss(es).

I'm gonna tell you what I recommend even though it's not what you want to hear.

You need to not make any decisions right now.

This loss is VERY fresh. Your hormones are crashing and will be for the next 2 weeks. It's a hard spot to think clearly from.

But I also wanted to throw out another option not on your list.

If you want to be pregnant again but are emotionally open to adoption have you considered embryo adoption? It's about the cost of an FET cycle. WAY less expensive than donor eggs or post-birth adoption.

It sounds like one and done won't rest well with your soul.

And GOD knows repeat losses doesn't either. BTDT.

missyjg · January 2011

howleyshell:

If you want to be pregnant again but are emotionally open to adoption have you considered embryo adoption? It's about the cost of an FET cycle. WAY less expensive than donor eggs or post-birth adoption.

It sounds like one and done won't rest well with your soul.

And GOD knows repeat losses doesn't either. BTDT.

My RE never mentioned this..most likely b/c we were always considering DH to be the biological father. But THANKYOU for mentioning this.

howleyshell · January 2011

missyjg:
howleyshell:

If you want to be pregnant again but are emotionally open to adoption have you considered embryo adoption? It's about the cost of an FET cycle. WAY less expensive than donor eggs or post-birth adoption.

It sounds like one and done won't rest well with your soul.

And GOD knows repeat losses doesn't either. BTDT.

My RE never mentioned this..most likely b/c we were always considering DH to be the biological father. But THANKYOU for mentioning this.

They may not have mentioned it because they may not offer it. Not all clinics do.

jds0521 · January 2011

Okay so my opinion is gonna be if this were me we were talking about. I would personally probably do IVF again. Does your RE offer any sort of shared risk (refund program)? My RE had this & we did it - it's about the cost of 2 IVFs & you can do up to 6 if you don't get pregnant or miscarry. If your RE has something like that, maybe you can look into that? Another thought - has your RE mentioned doing the repeated pregnancy loss testing? To see if there is a reason for the miscarriages? I would def ask about that, see if there is a reason for the m/c's & then do IVF again (also while receiving treatment for the reason you are having m/cs - if they find a reason). GL sweetie - I am praying for you.

kittylove · January 2011

I was also going to suggest embryo adoption since it wasn't on your list. It would mean no biological conection but it sounds like you might be okay with that.

Also can I ask why being one and done sounds so awful? We are planning to be one and done and I have talked to many people with mis conseptions of raising an only child. I just don't want you to write it off because you are afraid DD will be alone all the time or something like that. That said if you really want to mother others then of course you should keep on trying for a second child. (((HUGS)))

DavezWife · January 2011

I'd check into a warranty program with donor eggs. It's a nasty check to write, but nice to have that cushion. (we're in one now) With your age, you MIGHT qualify for 100% back if you don't get a live baby.

But I kinda like the embryo adoption think aformentioned. If I could stay pregnant, dang! right up my alley! lol.

GL !

KYRN · January 2011

Embryo adoption was going to be my suggestion. I'm very sorry for your losses and all you're going through right now.

epphd · January 2011

It sounds like it is not high on your list and you are right that it IS expensive - but PM me if you want to know more about donor egg IVF. It was how we conceived our son. And, ironically, I conceived spontaneously in December and am now pregnant with an own-egg baby.

The DE experience was fantastic for us, and I would recommend it if it is important for you to have one biologically related parent. I had reservations about embryo adoption that largely relate to the perspective of the kid. Unlike conventional adoption, a donor embryo child would have been very much wanted, cared for and loved by his biological parents. But random chance means that he wasn't selected to be grown in his bio mama's uterus. There can be some existential consequences of that from the kid's perspective (why wasn't I chosen and my sibling was? Why did my bio parents choose not to have more children? etc).

This is in NO WAY meant to dissuade you from donor embryos - I'm just sharing my own personal reservtions with it.

I would agree that it makes sense to take a few months to really consider your options. If I can give you any info as you do so, please don't hesitate to get in touch.

ETA: clarifying that I don't mean that parents who relinquish their children for adoption cannot love their child - only that parents of donor embryos were at that point in a position to accept a child - a bio parent of an adopted kid obviously was not in that position. Sorry if I came off as insensitive.

epphd · January 2011

DavezWife:

I'd check into a warranty program with donor eggs. It's a nasty check to write, but nice to have that cushion. (we're in one now) With your age, you MIGHT qualify for 100% back if you don't get a live baby.

But I kinda like the embryo adoption think aformentioned. If I could stay pregnant, dang! right up my alley! lol.

GL !

We did that. Got lucky on the first tri so we paid a handful, but if it didn't work after 3 tries, we'd have gotten 100% (minus meds) back. And donor stim on low doses of meds so it's not super expensive, comparatively.

missyjg · January 2011

Thank you all! I appreciate your comments. I'm going to look into the embryo adoption. There is a clinic in the city here that I know does that.

Cassian · January 2011

First of all, I am so sorry for your losses.

What it would come down to, if it were me, is if I wanted to 'be' pregnant again.

If it didn't matter how your family was continued, I would go for adoption. Just because there are so many children out there already born.

But I understand wanting to carry a child. My desire for that was so strong, that's why we went to treatments instead of going straight to adoption.

I would take some time to heal, physically and emotionally, from your m/c's first. I know its easy to distract yourself with moving onto the next option right away, but if I've learned anything in my life, is that to move on in a healthy way, the grieving must take place and not be rushed. I am not trying to tell you what to do with your life, but its important to heal. Take some time and do some soul searching about what's important and what isn't when building your family. We're here for you.

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Frustrated and feeling broken...WWYD ::long::

Re: Frustrated and feeling broken...WWYD ::long::

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