Selfish mom XP - I want to hear your thoughts on this...

urbanflowerpot · January 2011

Hi all,

I posted on this board for the first time last week - I'm the girl who's 34 and a half and will be 35 and 9 days when I give birth! I'm choosing to post this on Parenting vs Pregnant after 35 because one, maybe you're all on both boards anyway, and two, I'd like your post-birth, calmer hormoned perspectives Wink

Thanks! and here goes:

It's always easier to see a situation when you're not all mixed up in it:

Almost two weeks ago I had my anatomy scan and found out I'm having a boy (yay!). When I got home I called my brother and his FI first and they were beyond thrilled. Next, I called my mom and it was hard to get a word in edgewise...but finally I told her that we'd had the u/s, the baby's healthy, and it's a ----

That's when she interrupts me with disgust saying, you found out?? What's wrong with you people these days, it's supposed to be a surprise!

Well, we found out and we have a name....

You have a name, too?? Ugh, I don't want to know! ech! don't tell me, I don't want to know!

Then lots of sounds of diappointment, disgust, and muttering.

I was shocked. Even for my mother this was obnoxious...I'd always said we were going to find out. There was never any discussion - FI and I wanted to know. I told her I needed to go and call dad to tell him the news.

She said, well I don't want to know, but who knows I'll probably last five minutes and then e-mail you wanting to know.

Two weeks later - nothing. Nothing but little daily notes sent out to the rest of the family and her friends. It's like the baby doesn't even exist anymore.

Families are long and complicated, but when it comes down to this situation I think it stands alone. At first I was just shocked, then I got teary, now I'm just angry.

WWYD?

Part of me wants to ignore her - another part wants to write her a congrats! you're having a grandson, deal with it! e-mail.

I'm really hurt.

Peppernut · January 2011

I am so sorry your mom went batpoop on you.

If it were me, I might write a compromise letter. Not tell her the gender, but write and say if she doesn't want to know the gender, that's fine, but that it's healthy and will be so happy to meet her in a few months. Plus I might say something about feeling hurt and shut out at what should be a happy time, and you want your mommy.

If it were me. I don't know your particular family history, or any of the gory details.

Congratulations on a healthy boy, and I really hope your mother comes around soon!

ETA: I re-read it and it sounds like I think your mom was right, which I so totally don't. I just think she was having some kind of weird freakout that may not even have to do with the gender thing, and you might need to let it slide to get her to calm down.

M.Amy · January 2011

Ugh - sorry your mom is acting like she is the hormonal pregnant one. I feel for you with your mom. My mother kept referring to my baby as HER son and this was before he was even born. And she wonders why I moved away 11 years ago.

I think I would let her know that this is your pregnancy and you are going to do things how you wish and one of those things was to find out the gender. Also that you hope she continues to be excited about the pending birth.

urbanflowerpot · January 2011

Peppernut:

I am so sorry your mom went batpoop on you.

If it were me, I might write a compromise letter. Not tell her the gender, but write and say if she doesn't want to know the gender, that's fine, but that it's healthy and will be so happy to meet her in a few months. Plus I might say something about feeling hurt and shut out at what should be a happy time, and you want your mommy.

If it were me. I don't know your particular family history, or any of the gory details.

Congratulations on a healthy boy, and I really hope your mother comes around soon!

ETA: I re-read it and it sounds like I think your mom was right, which I so totally don't. I just think she was having some kind of weird freakout that may not even have to do with the gender thing, and you might need to let it slide to get her to calm down.

I didn't read it that way! You sounded very fair and I like your advice very much. She's always been very mean/harsh with me so when I get upset (as an adult) I try, try, try to take a step back and a deep breath. While I'd like to send her a blue 'it's a boy!' card I won't. I'll think about it! but I won't.

urbanflowerpot · January 2011

M.Amy:

Ugh - sorry your mom is acting like she is the hormonal pregnant one. I feel for you with your mom. My mother kept referring to my baby as HER son and this was before he was even born. And she wonders why I moved away 11 years ago.

I think I would let her know that this is your pregnancy and you are going to do things how you wish and one of those things was to find out the gender. Also that you hope she continues to be excited about the pending birth.

Thanks, lady! I will. The more I think about ignoring/letting it go I can't totally do that. I think I have to address it in a letter (she's hard of hearing so the phone is hard for her). I have to acknowledge it, but also be sweet and just go with it if she doesn't want to know. However, maybe I should point out that if I slip up, that shouldn't be held against me

Oh, and slightly ironic: before I found out I went up to visit her and she got angry (literally) at me (and then told my dad allllllll about it) for referring to the baby as 'it.'

Sigh.

BrideBuddies · January 2011

Don't know your mom's age or past history of behavior, but have you considered that she may be developing some physical ailments/issues? Weird behavior can be a sign of something more serious.

Not to scare you there.. but it's something to think about.

As for telling her anyway.. if she doesn't want to know, I'd not tell her. Chances are someone else will spill the beans well before the baby arrives, anyway.

stever · January 2011

Boo! I'm sorry your mom reacted that way. I'd be pretty mad and would probably have to rely on DH to smooth things over/figure out what her deal is.

Puckchick07 · January 2011

Your mom's reaction is harsh. And given as though she's not the pregnant one, I'm surprised her reaction is so strong on finding out the sex of the baby. It sounds like Grandma really wants the surprise at the end. I would let her calm down. She'll come around (hopefully) She won't want to miss out on the experience with you.

bklynbridecesh · January 2011

I could have written this post myself. My mom is the same way and always has been all my life. As an adult, I have just tried to accept it because I can't change her..I can only change the way I react to her. I try really hard not to get angry anymore or even bother looking for her approval. I wouldn't bother writing her a note. Seriously, just distance yourself if she has a chronic history of behaving this way.

ateytelb · January 2011

I know you wanted your mom to hear the news and be excited and happy (that's how a "normal" mother would react) but it didn't happed. You did mention that it's not the first time yur mom is being inadequate. Whatever is causing it, it only gets worse with age, unfortunately. Personally, if my mother for one reason or another acted this way during my pregnancy, I would ignore her and get the moral support elsewhere (mostly from H). If she doesn't want to know the gender/find out if the baby is healthy - fine, I wouldn't bother her with calls/e-mails anymore. Also, I think if you completely ignore her for sometime she is more likely to come around. I know it's easy for me to say though.

mtnrider · January 2011

Congrats on having a boy, what's his name?

As for your mom, all I can say is wow, that sucks, I don't think I'd talk to her until she apologized and mellowed out!

Daisiesinmygarden · January 2011

My MIL reacted a little weird to us finding out also. I figured she might not want to know, so I told her before we went to the U/S that we were finding out the sex of the baby, but would not tell her if she didn't want to know. She was adamant that we not tell her, so we didn't. My SIL did want to know and I figured she would eventually tell MIL anyway, and she did. It was all weird, but fortunately it was my IL's and not my mom. It would be a bit more difficult if it had been my mom.

If it were me, I think I would email my mom and tell her that it is fairly standard to find out the sex of the baby and it is our choice if we want to know or not. And I do. I would let her know that I am happy to keep the results form her and will refer to the baby as "the Baby" or some nickname in conversations with her. Since she has been difficult I would not tell everyone else to keep it from her, but tell her that she may want to let everyone know that she is looking forward to the surprise and please don't ruin it for her. If they do, it is between the offending party and her, not you.

GL.

superaunt · January 2011

bklynbridecesh:
I could have written this post myself. My mom is the same way and always has been all my life. As an adult, I have just tried to accept it because I can't change her..I can only change the way I react to her. I try really hard not to get angry anymore or even bother looking for her approval. I wouldn't bother writing her a note. Seriously, just distance yourself if she has a chronic history of behaving this way.

I couldn't have said it any better. IMO it's just not worth it to let something you really have no control over (someone elses reaction & behavior) get to you this much. I'd let it go to be honest. That's not to say you're wrong with your feelings because I'd be hurt, too. Hell, I remember being in your same shoes... my family just didn't really seem to care one way or the other when we finally announced being pregnant- never asked how things were or anything. Finally when I was 30 weeks pg, my mom stepped up to the plate and wanted to throw me a shower. And now that S is here, nobody can get enough of her... point is that while they may not be reacting the way you'd want or expect them to now, doesn't mean they won't turn things around once your little man is here. Hang in there!

peeper72 · January 2011

bklynbridecesh:
I could have written this post myself. My mom is the same way and always has been all my life. As an adult, I have just tried to accept it because I can't change her..I can only change the way I react to her. I try really hard not to get angry anymore or even bother looking for her approval. I wouldn't bother writing her a note. Seriously, just distance yourself if she has a chronic history of behaving this way.

I

peeper72 · January 2011

bklynbridecesh:
I could have written this post myself. My mom is the same way and always has been all my life. As an adult, I have just tried to accept it because I can't change her..I can only change the way I react to her. I try really hard not to get angry anymore or even bother looking for her approval. I wouldn't bother writing her a note. Seriously, just distance yourself if she has a chronic history of behaving this way.

I

could

peeper72 · January 2011

bklynbridecesh:
I could have written this post myself. My mom is the same way and always has been all my life. As an adult, I have just tried to accept it because I can't change her..I can only change the way I react to her. I try really hard not to get angry anymore or even bother looking for her approval. I wouldn't bother writing her a note. Seriously, just distance yourself if she has a chronic history of behaving this way.

I

could have

peeper72 · January 2011

bklynbridecesh:
I could have written this post myself. My mom is the same way and always has been all my life. As an adult, I have just tried to accept it because I can't change her..I can only change the way I react to her. I try really hard not to get angry anymore or even bother looking for her approval. I wouldn't bother writing her a note. Seriously, just distance yourself if she has a chronic history of behaving this way.

I could have written this post myself! And I totally agree - make some space for yourself and let it go. You can make different parenting choices for your family -starting right now - by focusing on the beautiful, amazing little boy growing inside you and investing in the community that will support him.

indianasunshine · January 2011

I am so sorry she reacted that way. Maybe she will change her mind later, but if she doesn't don't let it ruin your joy! My mom can be difficult and insensitive as well, so I understand. My biggest obstacle was getting them to like his name. It took time, but my family loves it now.

vanverth · January 2011

BrideBuddies:

Don't know your mom's age or past history of behavior, but have you considered that she may be developing some physical ailments/issues? Weird behavior can be a sign of something more serious.

Not to scare you there.. but it's something to think about.

As for telling her anyway.. if she doesn't want to know, I'd not tell her. Chances are someone else will spill the beans well before the baby arrives, anyway.

I agree with Bride. she could be getting a bit "wonky" (and that is the official term) in the head if this is a new behavior for her.

Send her a green grandma card and tell her how you feel, celebrate with people who are supportive and be happy. You are going to be a Mommy.

NewMrs07 · January 2011

Your mom is acting like a child. I wonder if she's feeling a little jealous now that she doesn't have everyone's attention anymore? My dad was like that, he seemed kind of disinterested in Adrian at the beginning, but now he loves him.

Since I'm kind of bad sometimes, lol, personally I would send out an email to all relatives (especially your mom) letting everyone know the gender and name. And she would just have to suck it up. But that's me, my mom and dad have done and said some pretty dumb things too, so you're not alone!

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