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2nd Trimester
Do you believe in "grandparent rights"
and if so, what do they entail? I know I'm going to come off b*tchy, but just being honest. The way I see it, barring pretty bad circumstances of whatever nature, I'll always let them visit with our kiddos- pretty much at least 
We see my inlaws about ever other weekend, 3 weeks in between visits at best- all the while Dh is in grad school on weekends, so our "family time" is very precious to us. That said, our relationship with my inlaws is pretty bad, and for many many reasons, some for safety, some for their lack of respect for dh and I as parents, and mostly because of how they act around DD, I don't think they have the right" to babysit.
Dh agrees with all the reasons I have, and acknowledges that they are really bad with DD- don't play with her, try to hold her like a baby all the time (and she just turned 2- so that always goes over very well) make fun of her for being chubby even- but he still thinks they "have a right" as grandparents to watch her on their own. We talk about it a lot, and it's the source of a good deal of long conversations, but we're really trying to work to see the other's point of view. I just cringe at the thought, and I don't think biology should force me into a situation that goes against what I feel is right for DD and for us.
Anyways, what do you think... after my long rant there. Thanks!
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Re: Do you believe in "grandparent rights"
No I think it's more of a privilege than a right, and I don't care for grandparents trying to parent their kids, kids. That being said it's a decision you and your H have to make based on what is best for your kids.
Our parents had "rights" in raising us, but they have no rights/say in us raising our own children. They can make suggestions, not demands.
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They don't have a right to squat.
The fact that you have to even decide if you should let them spend time with your child means they have no business spending time with your child.
Tell them to get their crap together and earn your trust, then you can talk about their rights.
You have a right not to expose your kid to bad supervision and emotional distress. Really? Call a 2 year old chubby is going to do wonders for their self esteem.
Make a pregnancy ticker
Seriously, it can do REALLY bad things. Even if they aren't being dead serious. I know a few little girls that worry WAY TOO MUCH if their hips are big or if they're fat.
I'm not a fan of grandparents rights, ever. I think in general, if they're okay human beings, they should be allowed to SEE their grandkids. However, I have no intention of letting my IL's babysit without me there, like, ever. And they want OVERNIGHTS
, hah, but that's a whole different topic.
Baby #4; 7/7/2018
The only thing grand parents have a right to do is spoil their grand children. Other than that, visits, unsupervised or not, should be earned. If they can't respect your family's wishes, then they don't get the privileged of visits, especially as the actual sitters.
No I don't. They had their children and got to make all the choices they wanted. This is our child and we decide together who can see and babysit, but no one has a right to that privilege.
That said my DH's father will have no relationship with our child. It will be a cold day in hell before he even meets our LO. Obviously there is background there and I'll just leave it at the fact that we don't have any contact with DH's father, beyond one phone call every few years.
My MIL and SFIL, scare the sh!t out of me and while I know at some point I am going to have to let them watch my child because DH thinks they are normal, I hope to put it off until after the 1st year. Will I be leaving my child overnight with them, nope, not going to happen.
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No I don't thing grandparents have any rights. I do believe that they should be able to visit but if they do not act appropriately, then parents have the right to not allow visits. This would be more in cases of drugs, alcohol abuse, physical abuse that I would not allow visits. I feel I have the right to veto any visits for any reason. I am the parent, they are not. So if I don't want them to come over, they can't say grandparents rights and expect to come.
I have never stopped either set of grandparents from visiting at our house. This just touched a sore spot with my MIL who told me yesterday that she had the "right" to be at the hospital when I deliver. I told her that wasn't happening because I only want DH and me there the first day.
Nope, I definitely don't believe in "grandparent rights." I believe that children should get to see their family and interact with them, but I certainly don't think that grandparents should get to watch them unsupervised simply because they're the grandparents. You don't let just anyone be alone with your child. If you don't feel comfortable leaving your DD alone with your in-laws, then they are not the right babysitters for you. You'd spend all your time alone with DH worrying about her and not relaxing and having fun. NOT COOL!
Your parents got to choose what they felt was right for you when they were raising you. As your DD mother, you get to choose what's right for her. And when you DD has children of her own someday, she'll get to choose what's right for her kids and you won't get a say. That's just the way it is. They had their chance to be parents, and now it's your turn! Assert your parental rights now to avoid further problems.
I don't think you're the odd ball. My mother and in-laws are trust worthy.
My statement was, if you have to even ask, that's a clear sign that they shouldn't be spending time with them. No reflection on my family, just common sense imho
I expect my relatives to enforce my rules when watching my child.
The question wasn't whether they were great or not, it's whether you think they have "rights to your child(ren)". I think those are two very different things. I have amazing parents and have no issue with leaving my LO with them, but I do not think they have "rights to my children".
Me - DX Hashimoto's Disease, Hypothyroid, Rheumatoid Arthritis
DH - DX Azoospermia - Sertoli Cell Syndrome
DS-IUI #1-4 BFN IVF #1 - BFP! It's a boy!!!
This is because you have a good relationship and you're comfortable with the arrangement. The point is, some other people are not comfortable.
I say go with your gut! It's your child and no one has a right to him/her.
I don't believe that grandparents automatically have a right to the baby. I do have a good relationship with my in laws and I'm sure we will let them babysit unsupervised but I think that I will be firm on how I want my child to be looked after. My DH's mom hasn't been around babies since DH was one in the 70's and needless to say things have changed somewhat since then!
Once I'm comfortable that we are all on the same wave length then I will let them babysit.
I have a great relationship with my inlaws, but my mother and I haven't gotten along in years. She's very critical and harsh to me, but expects to be able to treat me terribly (and has said she doesn't plan on having much to do with me in the future because of some of my life decisions, primarily religious) and still spend loads of time with LO. DH and I have decided that, although we won't keep her away from our daughter out of spite, we won't have her babysit or spend too much time with her. I can only imagine the things she'd tell LO about me and DH behind our backs ("Mommy and Daddy are going to hell" type things), and I'd worry that she'd be as critical of her as she was of me and really mess with her self-esteem.
I absolutely do not believe that biology entitles you to privileges in all cases. That's why biological parents can lose custody of their children; it's more important that your child be protected and cared for than to know her family members extremely well.
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I personally don't believe in grandparents getting automatic rights to their grandchildren. Especially grandparents that want to do their own thing and not respect your wishes as to how you want to raise your child. With that being said, I am glad that my parents make wonderful grandparents. The way they are with my niece is incredible and I know they will be the exact same way with my baby when she arrives into this world.
I would not have a problem with letting my parents watch my baby because they are firm believers in schedules and would follow whatever scheduling instructions I give them. But if they were the type of people to undermine my parenting, their time with my child would be limited.
ETA: However, I am not very comfortable leaving my baby with my DH's side of the family. Even my DH recognizes this and would never let someone on his side watch our child unsupervised.
You simply misinterpreted the thread.
The question is whether you are required to give the grandparents access to the children when you do *not* get along with the grandparents and feel that your child will be unsafe with them.
If there is trust, there's no issue.
Do you really think we're saying all grandparents suck?
I don't think it's automatic. I do feel, in a situation such as a divorce for example, if the ex-ILs have always been good to the child and are a positive influence in their life, it's terrible to deny them access because the marriage ended or out of spite to the ex-spouse. I know a lovely couple down the street from us who adored the hell out of their grandkids who are going through this right now, it makes me sad for them and the kids.
I guess my point is, access to the grandkids is not a given right. But if parents are using said access as leverage, that's pretty crappy (not directed at OP, just a general observation). Grandparents can be an amazing gift and even if you don't exactly get along with them on all points, as long as they are generally speaking a good influence on your children, it would be a shame to not develop that relationship.
DH & I are dealing with some of this now. Some times, I have to check myself because I over react to my ILs, but they are driving me batty. The baby is not even here yet, and already MIL & FIL are making plans to have her every other weekend Friday - Sunday, beginning at about three months, like they did with my niece (even though we are all within a 30 minute drive). DH has told them that I will be breast feeding, so no overnights for at least a year.
If you aren't comfortable with your child being with them for long lengths of time, then that is a call you and DH have to make together. You have to be on the same page, or its going to cause tension between you and DH.
Wow they really think your are going to hand your LO over for 2 weekends every month? That is insane. Sorry you have to deal with that.
Me - DX Hashimoto's Disease, Hypothyroid, Rheumatoid Arthritis
DH - DX Azoospermia - Sertoli Cell Syndrome
DS-IUI #1-4 BFN IVF #1 - BFP! It's a boy!!!
Oh man, this thread is sooo timely right now. I'm currently dealing with a horrible struggle with my in-laws and it's really wreaked havoc on our family. Essentially, we had to tell my very controlling, emotionally abusive, personality-disordered, drug-addicted MIL that she's not allowed to drive our son or watch him unsupervised. I think the same is pretty much going to have to hold true with FIL so long as MIL is around, because he's a pushover and won't respect our rules when we aren't around. Needless to say, this hasn't gone over well at all. My MIL seems to think she has certain rights when it comes to her grandchild, and things aren't quite turning out as she's pictured them. Well, when she decides to lay off the massive quantities of weed and prescription morphine and become trustworthy and not absolutely insane, maybe we can readdress the situation. As for now, she is absolutely not to be trusted.
Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. It does not give a person free reign to act horrendously and engage in questionable lifestyle choices and then have the honor of being around a young, innocent child. My MIL had her chance with her sons, and she screwed it up by verbally abusing them and having them grow up with drug addiction as a model. I'm breaking that cycle. It's my and DH's family now, so our choices, our rules.
This exactly with my step-MIL. She is obsessed with the baby already, but there is no way I will have the baby over there unsupervised if over there at all. They smoke in the house too, which drives me absolutely insane!
I agree with what pretty much everyone has posted -- there is no such thing as "grandparents' rights." I think it's good to raise your kids to know and love their grandparents, if possible, but if the grandparents are bad influences or pose a safety concern, that's another story.
I'm very lucky to have great ILs who have done a ton of babysitting of our nieces and nephews and have proven that they are capable, responsible, and respectful of each set of parents' rules even when they personally would do things differently. I wouldn't hesitate to let them babysit and am excited that they have offered to watch the baby whenever DH and I want to go on a vacation by ourselves. But babysitting our child isn't their right -- it's a privilege they have earned by demonstrating how wonderful they are! (It's also a treat for us!)
I will do what I feel is in the best interest of my child. Of course I would always hope and pray that would mean having a good relationship with grandparents. However, if I fell that it isn't in my child's best interstest to be around their grandparent due to abuse, neglect, etc; you better believe my child will be kept away from them.
FWIW I had some bad grandparents and I felt like my parents never stood up for me or my siblings because they didn't want to upset the GPs. They have now said that if they could go back in time they would have cut them off once the bad mouthing and name calling started.
They absolutely do not have the "right" to watch your kids unsupervised. If you feel as though it's an unsafe environment for your child then it is your right and responsibility to keep them safe.
We run into this situation with my parents not because they are not good with her, but there is no way that we will allow them to have our girls at their house. Ever. Their house is disgusting, they have 3 dogs who are not all potty trained and they don't clean up after them. There's no way that I will expose my kids to that environment.
agreed.
the only people that have any "rights" regarding your child are you and your husband. as far as family and the rest of the world are concerned, you can choose or not to give them priveleges to spend time with your child.
There is another party that has rights to your children... that's called "the state." If something to happen to you and your SO, where do the kids go? If you don't have a "good relationship" with any relatives that you would trust to raise your kids, then I'd really suggest that you start working on them. The last thing you want is for the state to come in and your kids to go to an outside family when you have relatives who could do a much better job. Oh, and as an FYI, grandparents' rights are working their way into various states now, so rights may change in the next few years and then look out! Grandma and Grandpa are dragging you into visitation battles in court.
Source: I work in law. I handle social services. I've seen this before. It's not pretty or good for the families and no one (especially the kids) win.
This is exactly our relationship. Both sets are wonderful and spend a lot of time with DS. They can see him whenever they want and he loves being with them. But their time with him is not a right. They're all wonderful people, trusting and deserve the time they spend with him. I can't really relate with OP because I'm not in that situation but I'm guessing that if I were feeling untrusting and nervous of either set of grandparents, I wouldn't swallow that "fear" and let them spend unsupervised time with my child just because they're grandparents. I would make a point to bring the baby over and spend time with them so they don't feel like they're being gipped of time yet don't have the child alone.
Just like anyone that spends time with my child, they have to be responsible and trusting regardless if they're grandparents or a daycare provider. The rules and requirements are the same.
Legally, I know someone that did this. Their son had a child in high school with a girl and didn't much interest in staying involved with the baby. So, they officially have grandparents rights to visit and still be in the child's life. They are though well-meaning people.
So outside of the courts, I think it's at your discretion if they visit or what role they will have in your baby's life.
Yikes- that would be my worst nightmare. We actually wrote a will a few months ago when Dh and I were both flying together somewhere for a weekend wedding. I had a moment of panic thinking of something like this. We have great relationships with both his sisters, and my whole side of the fam, so not to be unfair, we ranked them all on the will. I just cannot imagine if they were ever to gain custody for her.