MIL just RSVP'd no???

RITerp · January 2011

She had offered to throw me a shower in April, but I declined because 1) A shower was already being planned for me in March, and the host is willing/ able to invite everyone- friends and both sides of the family. I didn't see the need in having 2 showers for the same people, and 2) I am due May 1- April is cutting it a bit close for me in terms of a shower. Especially since she wanted it at her house, which is 2 hours away from me. She said she was disappointed, but was fine (or so I thought). The friend throwing me the shower checked the date with her before the invites went out and she said it worked for her.

Now, she didn't bother calling me or her son to mention it, but emailed the hostess that she is "unable to attend the shower on March 5." REALLY? I'm so annoyed- don't even want to deal with it. It's her first grandchild and if she wants to miss the shower, so be it.

Anybody experience similar situations/ have any suggestions? I'm sure my husband will say something to her, but do I bother trying to speak to her about it, or can I pretend she just doesn't exist and ignore it?

LadyXaverian · January 2011

Ignore it. Let your husband talk to her about it if he wants to, but it might be even more torture for her if no one brings it up at all.

Seriously, if her real "reason" for not going is due to sour grapes over not being the one to host the shower, that's her loss. If she has a legitimate reason why that date can't work, I assume she will get in touch with you to let you know. Otherwise, I wouldn't say a single word about it.

Enjoy your shower!

rhubarb123 · January 2011

I agree with SarahL77.

Kdonn15 · January 2011

I don't see why it's a big deal that she can't go really. She was polite enough to rsvp no so you're best bet is to let it go at that. If it really bothers you mention it to her, but it could make for an awkward conversation if she truly isn't going for reasons other than the one you assume.

backinpgh · January 2011

I would ignore it. I have a passive aggressive MIL like this too, and all she wants is for you to call up all sad and disappointed and beg her to come. Don't give her the pleasure.

Ginafawny · January 2011

I wonder how I can get my MIL to do this?... *evil laugh*

I say just let DH deal with this. No need to stress yourself out over it.

bea0422 · January 2011

SarahL77:

Ignore it. Let your husband talk to her about it if he wants to, but it might be even more torture for her if no one brings it up at all.

Seriously, if her real "reason" for not going is due to sour grapes over not being the one to host the shower, that's her loss. If she has a legitimate reason why that date can't work, I assume she will get in touch with you to let you know. Otherwise, I wouldn't say a single word about it.

Enjoy your shower!

This.

Also, I am wondering why she would be disappointed? I was always under the impression that bridal showers and baby showers are thrown by either a very close friend, sister or the mother... not the MIL? My MIL and I are really close, but she has never tried to plan anything that my own mother would normally want to plan and we live closer to his family than mine. Just curious since I've seen a lot of MIL's trying to plan baby showers and than getting upset because one of the mama's sisters, best friend or own mother already did it....

Yellow_Daisy · January 2011

backinpgh:
I would ignore it. I have a passive aggressive MIL like this too, and all she wants is for you to call up all sad and disappointed and beg her to come. Don't give her the pleasure.

This is exactly what I was going to say. If you or your DH call her then you are giving her exactly what she wants. I say you both ignore it and eventually she will let you know why she isn't coming because her little plan didn't work. She is being childish. Normally I would say that there could be other reasons she isn't attending, but really if there were other reasons she would have called you. She is playing a game with you.

mybobofo · January 2011

At least she RSVPd. My MIL didn't even bother to call or email my mom to say she wouldn't be attending. My mom said two days before the shower, "Is L coming? I haven't heard from her or your SIL." Yeah, they're a delight.

Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Let her be cranky. With all your friends and family around, I doubt she'll be missed. No one even asked about mine.

EastCoastBride · January 2011

My MIL didn't come to my wedding or baby shower. both times she cancelled at the last minute because she was "sick". First child to be married, and first grandchild.

People were freaked out about it. W/ the baby shower, I KNEW she would do this, so I wasn't surprised.

But beyond that, if yo ureally think about it, does it REALLY matter if she's there or not? Yes, it's courtesy to invite the grandmoms and usually try to clear the date w/ them. But in the end, the shower is about YOU and YOUR baby. Not them.

I really don't think it's the end of the world if a grandmother can't come. Her reasons for bailing are lame - I'll give you that. But past that, this isn't something to be mad about or talk to her about.

watermellens · January 2011

I think it's crappy that so many have such a bad relationship with their MIL Sad I feel bad for you ladies....my MIL is amazing and I consider us pretty close and I would be devastated if my MIL didn't come to my shower. I do agree though that your hubby should talk to her. She sounds like quite a piece of work if she's opting not to come to her first grandchild's shower because she didn't get to be the one to have her name on the invitation.

RoxyLynn · January 2011

She sounds like a potential High Maintenance Shower Guest, anyway. I frankly think you'll have a better time if she keeps herself and her drama at home.

RITerp · January 2011

Thanks for all the advice! I am just going to let it go unless she mentions something. I checked with the hostess and nearly everyone else from that side of the family is coming, so atleast it's just her that is boycotting, or whatever you would like to call it.

Sad thing is, we usually have a pretty good relationship! The only time we have ever had a disagreement before is when she wanted to do all the table assignments for the wedding, and I put my foot down and did it myself.

Just hoping that this doesn't start the grandmother relationship off on a weird start, but we will deal with it.

Thanks!

EastCoastBride · January 2011

maryellen21:

I think it's crappy that so many have such a bad relationship with their MIL I feel bad for you ladies....my MIL is amazing and I consider us pretty close and I would be devastated if my MIL didn't come to my shower.

Don't make assumptions. My MIL and I get along just fine. The reasons she didn't come have nothing to do w/ me or our relationship.

Corts · January 2011

Your MIL sounds like a drama queen, and is most likely sitting by the phone waiting for you or DH to call begging her to come. Don't do it. Some people have to learn that not every party is about themselves. Your MIL and mine are two peas from the same pod. Good luck with that.

checkpoint · January 2011

I'm glad I'm not the only one who is experiencing added stress about a baby shower. My mother and MIL originally decided to work together to throw a shower, however, my mother did not agree with MIL about what food to serve and that's when MIL felt the need to include me in the planning. Now my mom is doing her own thing with my family and MIL is doing her own thing with DH's family and our friends. My mom and grandma are upset because the surprise is over, I know when, where, and what we're eating. My MIL even asked me to type the directions for the invitations and told me to make sure DH takes the day off from work. Isn't that her job???

I was so stuck on what to do because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and when I tried to talk to DH about it, we ended up having an argument because I put him in the middle of me and his mommy. I told him that he needs to stand up for me and that I shouldn't be planning my own shower.

If I would have known that having a shower was going to be so stressful, I would have told them that I didn't want one and they could save their money for the baby.

Thanks for sharing your story and letting me vent!

watermellens · January 2011

EastCoastBride:
maryellen21:

I think it's crappy that so many have such a bad relationship with their MIL I feel bad for you ladies....my MIL is amazing and I consider us pretty close and I would be devastated if my MIL didn't come to my shower.

Don't make assumptions. My MIL and I get along just fine. The reasons she didn't come have nothing to do w/ me or our relationship.

Um, okay??? But it sounds like a lot of OTHER people that post (in this thread and on the bump in general) don't particularly get along with their MIL's. I'm glad you do, but I wasn't necessarily singling you our specifically.

karleegirl · January 2011

Mine did the same. Our relationship has always been a bit strained though (she doesn't love that im a different race). We are like polite strangers. I didn't bring it up with her. My husband did and it just caused drama. In the end if she doesn't want to be there, you don't need the drama. Best of luck to you and hopefully this is just a passing thing.

JCragg · January 2011

SarahL77:
it might be even more torture for her if no one brings it up at all.

Yup.

ashleyr87 · January 2011

Oh girl! I wouldnt say a word! It'll eat her up.

snshine23 · January 2011

If she wants to be like that and not come, then it's her loss. She is the one that is going to have to live with the fact that she was too immature to attend her first grandchild's shower. She is making her bed, let her lie in it.

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