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Stay at Home Moms
I need advice from other SAHM's...long, sorry!
Do you ever have to defend your choice to stay at home? I am only 20 years old, and got pregnant in the middle of college. I am engaged and planning a wedding to my son's dad, as we decided not to have a shotgun wedding. I was obviously not established in a career when I got pregnant and was so sick (hyperemesis) that I quit both of my part-time jobs. My fiance is a pharmacy technician and also delivers meds to jails, nursing home, etc. We are currently renting and not locked into a mortgage payment and we both own our cars. Because of this, living is cheap for us and money isn't exactly tight. I decided to SAHM shortly before my son was born, and it was encouraged by my fiance. He and I both had SAHM's growing up and realize that this is also what we want for our family. He works 12 hour days, but never complains and even offers to help out on weekends or very seldomly if he gets home early. My problem is this: friends and family assume that I am staying at home because I have nothing else to do. They also see how demanding his schedule is and feel bad for him. They all assume that I am going to go back to school or work- as if i'd be crazy not to. The guilt I feel over this is really weighing on me. I was shocked at how rude some of the remarks that people who you thought cared about you can be. I even get aggitated when family (his cousins, aunts and uncles) try to give me tips on job openings or constantly ask me when I am going back to work. I would understand if we were living in poverty and suffering, but within the next year we are planning on throwing a wedding and buying a house. So... shouldn't they see that we are doing ok? I feel like being a SAHM is just not acceptable anymore.
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Re: I need advice from other SAHM's...long, sorry!
There are always going to be people who judge and try to butt into your life. I just try to ignore it and don't respond. Eventually they will get the hint that your personal decisions are not up for debate.
I also think that there are considerations that people who care about you will worry about with you staying at home. What happens if things don't work out between you and your fiance? I don't think anyone goes into a marriage thinking they will get divorced, but people do get divorced. And not even divorce, but what if something happens to your fiance? Are you covered by your fiance's health insurance since you are not married? I don't think you need to prove anything to anyone, but there are things to think about when planning for the future. Since you are halfway done, maybe it would be worth it to go back to school. There are plenty of SAHMs that go to college and a lot of flexible scheduling and online classes depending on where you go and your major.
You have to do what works for you and your family. I hate that people assume we are lazy or have nothing better to do because we want to stay home and raise our kids. For the most part, nobody from my parents' generation or grandparents' generation has questioned my decision. It's people my own age, though where I live now there is kind of a weird, Peter Pan culture. They also didn't understand why I wanted to get married in the first place
Don't feel guilty about your decision at all! You are doing what you and your fiance feel is best for your child and that is the best thing that any parent can do. I do agree with PP that it would be in your best interest to go back to school at some point though. That's something I definitely regret not having done so far! It'd definitely be nice to have that degree to fall back on down the road if you need to work when your kid(s) is older and you're halfway done anyway. Staying at home with a baby is hard work though! There is definitely no need to feel like you're "slacking" or anything like that.
I think that feeling exist, but I think you need to seek out friends who value what you do. I know it is probably harder being young. Honestly, I know quite a few people who "work for free". That would not be something I was interested in doing. By the time you get a job, pay $600+ for daycare, extra for food, clothing, car, ect, some people are basically trading their children's childhood for a new Minivan with what is left over. There are things I would go to work for, a safe neighborhood, health insurance, decent food, but I would not go back to work for a bigger house, a nicer car, or the right clothes. Everyone doesn't share this idea. That is fine. I think it is great that you are confident in what you want to do.
Being a nanny can be an option. I would skip the cousin who sounds like she is just looking for a cheap care and doesn't really value a nanny, and get a real job on the open market. With 2 years of college, it is totally possible. Also, a job at a preschool where your little one could go might be an option in the future. My DD has a friend whose mom is single, she is 23 now, but her DD is now 5. She worked at DD's preschool for a year to get some experience and is now a nanny for a lawyer/politician. It allows her to be with her DD a good bit during the day and pays about $35,000 to 40,000 a year.
I too am 20, pregnant, and a junior in college. DH and I got married this summer and got pregnant 2 months later, which everyone incorrectly assumed was a big accident. I'm leaving my job when LO is born in May and will SAH from then on, with the exception of taking my last few classes in the fall.
I was so surprised at how negatively my mom responded to my decision to quit my job. DH is a student as well, but he also works as much as he can, and we're not struggling financially. But my mom, who is typically VERY pro-SAHM (she's been a SAHM since I was born) acts like it's the worst thing in the world for me, and that surely I can keep working part-time!
I just have to keep in mind that this is what I really want to do, and that I'm not somehow making an ignorant choice by choosing to stay home with my child. I am finishing school on time since I have a full scholarship that will cover it (as long as I don't take a semester off or anything), but I won't be disappointed in myself if I never work full-time after graduation.
Just do what you have/want to do, and don't let anything they say affect you! You'll be a mom, and you have to start making the decisions that are best for your child.
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
I've had nothing but support for staying home...but you're only 20 years old. I had my first when I was 19 and I hated being home! I loved getting out to go to classes and work whenever I could and I was so eager to get my career going.
Have you finished school? I would strongly encourage you to do that. Even if you don't start a career right away, you'll at least have your degree done and out of the way. I mean, really. You're only 20. Is this really all you want out of life?
Wow are you my life twin?
DH and I did have a shotgun wedding but we're planning a reception in the virgin islands here soon. We also own both our vehicles and plan to buy a home with a huge down payment within the next 3 years.
Just because I'm young doesn't mean we're poor. Or that I NEED to work for us to survive.
I do plan on going back to school but not because I need a career for us to live. Be cause I WANT to go back to school. I want to have an education.
If I go back to work it won't be because we need the money. It's because I want some time to myself part time.
Can I be really honest with you? If my 20 year old niece dropped out of school, got pregnant by some guy she was only dating, the guy didn't have a traditionally good paying job and was stuck working 12 hour days, I'd probably be making comments as your family is. From an outsider looking in, that doesn't sound like a really good arrangement for either one of you. You're dependent on someone you are only dating for financial stability, and your fiance is stuck working long hours to support his family so you can stay home.
However, with that being said, it's easy to judge with limited information and you're not the one living in that situation. Only you and your fiance know if it really works for your family and it seems that it does. If you truly are financially comfortable enough to be able to afford life with a child on 1 income (and save money as well) and your fiance is truly happy having to work those kind of hours, then go for it. Who cares what others think? Since you're so young, I'm sure your family is saying things like that solely out of concern for your future. As others have mentioned, just say thanks for the advice and continue to do what works for you and your family.
um, perhaps those who are older, perhaps wiser from experience, are in fact thinking in the best interest of her child?!
Can I be brutally honest with you?
If my sister/cousin/daughter was in your situation and dropped out of college to be a SAHM exclusively, I'd be more then pissed, I'd be livid and rip her a new one!! I know my mom would do the same to me or my sister.
Education is something that never expires nor goes out of style. Having that diploma = opportunity. You can still SAH for the majority of the day and take a lighter load to finish your degree.
I say this after seeing my own mother struggle now as a former SAHM with no education outside high school. After sucessfully raising myself & siblings, and working odd jobs (i.e. cleaning service, babysitting) she now finds herself at a loss. My father is retiring from his job as a school custodian in the spring, (he's 8 years older) and now she needs to find a job w/benefits. The job market for her is poor at best. She's banking on a position at the local grocery store and I only hope it pans out for her. We just talked about this yesterday. She said that she envys both my sister and I for having the degree (or multiple degrees) and the amount of options that this permits you.
I got a little bit of surprise from my family. Mostly they didn't want my career derailed and my education to "go to waste."
I'd encourage you to make plans to complete your degree once your children are school aged, and just enjoy all your time with your kids until then!
OK! Lots of responces!
So- to those of you who either think I should take some of the burden off of my fiance, or those of you who think that my family is probably thinking that: We have talked about this. When I do offer to go back to work, I get the same responce. He tells me that I can, but that he will not change his schedule because he is doing what he needs to do to move up in the company. When he leaves in the morning, his lunch is in the fridge, and when he gets home at night, his dinner is made and the apartment is clean. I do everything all the time. I know somebody said that he goes to work and comes home to do more work... sorry if I made it sound like that. I know I said he offers- but I usually never take him up on that. And yes, we are currently renting an appartment. Lease is up soon and we are trying to figure out what to do. But, we live in FL and our complex was created in intention of being vacation condos. However when the economy took a blow the company went out of business. I only say this because our complex is very nice and neither one of us feel like we are suffering here. However, we want to be in a house before our soon in old enough to remember where he lives. Which is probably sooner than we think. And, to the ladies who mentioned how livid they would be at the 20yr old family members for being such a...idk "failure"? Let me give you some perspective. I had a rough childhood, and never really had the chance to go to a 4yr university. Not because I couldn't get a scholarship, but I had savings that were intended for the local college and an alcoholic mother who basically needed me. I'll be blunt, I also had two little sisters living nearby with an ex-stepdad who was abusing drugs. I don't want you all to think I have a trashy family. My stepdad was making $450,000/year but so much of it went to drugs that you would never really guess that he had that kind of money. Back to me... I didn't have many friends (they had all either moved or fallen into drug addiction) and no dates for over a year. Finally, I met a guy who really wanted to, as he said, "court me". LOL. And yes, I ended up pregnant. So, am I a bad person because I chose not to abort my son? Or even because I didn't go immediatly back to school or try and find a new PT job? If I were lucky, i'd probably make enough to pay for daycare. Originally I wasn't even going to skip a semester, but the first day of school was my due date. That was last semester and I havent yet looked into going back. We all get dealt different cards in life, and I feel I have done the best with what I was dealt. As to what happens in the future, I think things will fall into place and I will most likely end up going back to school. To the SAHM who said that people notice how well her child is doing developmentally- it's the same here. Even the people who criticize me notice how active and alert he is. I think EB also has something to do with that. One more thing... I agree that a lot of these comments come from people caring about us. But I have gotten things like: "Wow, you must be bored all the time." "Get a job, make money, and buy yourself things!" and on the nanny thing: "It would be like you getting up everyday and coming to a real job." LOL Like, ok people. Anywho... when I see my son growing and my fiance successful at work I do get fulfillment out of this. So, yes, this is what I want to do with my life... for now.
Thank you for all of your words of wisdom!