SIL is TTC; Did I not handle this right?

Giggle11 · January 2011

I have a 7 month old and am expecting my second baby. My SIL never said anything about having trouble TTC, but I thought they might be. I kept hoping that she would become pregnant before I had to tell her about my pregnancy. The time came when I was starting to show and wanted to share the news. I decided to tell her via email with a picture of my daughter holding a big sister to be sign. I figured that way in case the announcement upset her she could react in private. The next day I got a half hearted congratulations, followed by her bad news about the troubles they are having. (She just started seeing a fertility specialist and still has to undergo a lot of tests.) She also said that it was worse for her find out in email. Was that the wrong approach? For my first we told her in person and she had a break down in the car the minute she left because at that time her and BIL were not on the same page with when to have kids.

Part of me feels like no matter how I would have told her she would have been upset, but I also feel bad that my news hurt her in some way. Part of me is also upset that with both my pregnancies she immediately turned the conversation around to herself and being sad.

I plan on talking to her this weekend about how to handle my pregnancy moving forward; how much does she want to hear, what will make it easier for her; and also if she wants to talk about her progress, if its OK to ask about it or not... Is this a good idea? I figure I better ask in person and not risk email again.

Sorry this is so long... Given that you ladies are in a similar situation to her I was hoping for some honest feedback.

ADub09 · January 2011

seriously?

brideonjuly8 · January 2011

Hmm. Honestly, if they are having issues TTC, any way you announced your pregnancy would probably hit her hard. Sucks that she couldn't at least act like she was happy. Just be there for her and know that it SUCKS to hear about people around you getting pg when it's not easy for you, no matter who they are.

OodlesOfNoodles · January 2011

I think a phone call to announce would have been the best approach. I have known for awhile that my SIL (hubby's baby sister) and her hubby are going to TTC starting in Feb, and I just dread the announcement:( I truly will be happy for her, but extremely sad for myself. We have a pretty good relationship and told her how I felt the other day and I figured she already knew that I would feel this way. I would rather her call me instead of lump me in a group announcement at a family event. That way I can come to terms with her pregnancy and not be upset during the formal announcement.

ETA: clarification...it's early;)

MTooms · January 2011

I think an email would have been fine, but adding the cutesy picture of your current child might have been a but much? no? You could have just written the email, especially since you knew that she might react badly to it.

I agree with PPs, talk to her and see how much she wants to hear about. She might have a hard time being happy for you. And definitely don't complain about your pregnancy to her, remember that she would give anything to have such complaints.

Mrs. Mo · January 2011

Mtooms:

I think an email would have been fine, but adding the cutesy picture of your current child might have been a but much? no? You could have just written the email, especially since you knew that she might react badly to it.

I agree with PPs, talk to her and see how much she wants to hear about. She might have a hard time being happy for you. And definitely don't complain about your pregnancy to her, remember that she would give anything to have such complaints.

I agree with this and with how dodge said that something baby related in the subject line would have been good. That way, she could have chosen to read it when ready vs. being blind-sided.

As for what to share, do not complain about your pregnancy and bombard her with pictures of your stomach, ultrasounds, etc.

Glowconsin · January 2011

I definitly feel as though the picture of your small baby announcing the arrival of another baby was probably a step too far. That would have really, really hurt me.

My advice to you, try, as best as you can, to put yourself in her shoes. Think about the absolute fear of never knowing if you can have children. I'm sure your SIL wants to be happy for you, and she is as happy as she can be, but just remember it isn't easy for her. It's nothing personal against you, but she's greiving for herself.

Thank you for trying to be considerate. Include her for the big things and announcements, but I'm sure she would appreciate being left out of the details.

jiffy-pop · January 2011

OP, you're probably right about how no matter how you told her she would have been upset. Since kids is obviously VERY sensitive subject for her, for your talk this weekend I would just apologize for the email hurting her feelings. I personally don't think the email was a terrible idea but maybe a phone call would have been better. I wouldn't ask her how much she wants to hear about the pregnancy, I would just assume she won't want to talk about your pregnancy at all very much.

The only thing I would do is try not to talk about being pregnant in front of her, at least not let that be all you talk about (even though it will be hard b/c pregnancy is a very exciting thing). You may just want to tell her that if she ever wants to talk, you're here for her, and drop it at that. Try not to ask a lot of questions or get into an in-depth conversation about pregnancy and her IF struggles.

ChicagoWeded2007 · January 2011

I think the problem is with the picture. Also, you make it sound like you just included the picture and no words. A sensitively worded e-mail with no picture of your baby would have been a better approach.

Giggle11 · January 2011

Thank you all for you feedback. I definitely will take it all to heart and check out the site that kdodge suggested. It never occurred to me that the picture itself would upset her in addition to the actual news. I guess I should have asked you ladies before I sent the email.

I will apologize again for hurting her with the email and offer support if she ever wants to talk. I will make sure to keep any pregnancy complaints to myself. I'm not one to share ultrasound pictures or details with anyone that doesn't ask, so hopefully this won't be an issue.

Thanks again for your replies!!

Giggle11 · January 2011

ChicagoWeded2007:
I think the problem is with the picture. Also, you make it sound like you just included the picture and no words. A sensitively worded e-mail with no picture of your baby would have been a better approach.

Thank you for your feedback. I sent an email that was from my daughter saying how lucky she is to have such a wonder aunt and uncle and how she wants to share them. then the picture said the actual announcement.

Since she hadn't actually told us anything about their troubles TTC I didn't think it was right for me to broach the subject. I really didn't think the picture would hurt her, and I am definitely sorry that it did.

ChicagoWeded2007 · January 2011

Giggle11:

ChicagoWeded2007:
I think the problem is with the picture. Also, you make it sound like you just included the picture and no words. A sensitively worded e-mail with no picture of your baby would have been a better approach.

Thank you for your feedback. I sent an email that was from my daughter saying how lucky she is to have such a wonder aunt and uncle and how she wants to share them. then the picture said the actual announcement.

Since she hadn't actually told us anything about their troubles TTC I didn't think it was right for me to broach the subject. I really didn't think the picture would hurt her, and I am definitely sorry that it did.

I hope she doesn't blame you too much. You have to understand that being infertile is like being on the edge all the time. It doesn't take much -- a baby on the street, an off-hand comment about being a mom and I might be bawling. I spent some time during my friend's son's first birthday crying in the bathroom. But that wasn't her fault. Now that you know, maybe just treat her with kid gloves.

adaisybug · January 2011

Giggle11:

Thank you all for you feedback. I definitely will take it all to heart and check out the site that kdodge suggested. It never occurred to me that the picture itself would upset her in addition to the actual news. I guess I should have asked you ladies before I sent the email.

I will apologize again for hurting her with the email and offer support if she ever wants to talk. I will make sure to keep any pregnancy complaints to myself. I'm not one to share ultrasound pictures or details with anyone that doesn't ask, so hopefully this won't be an issue.

Thanks again for your replies!!

I think it was an honest mistake and your SIL is lucky that you are so understanding - some people don't have that "filter". I am sure now that you know you will be much more careful. Good luck (and congrats on your pregnancy)!

brandywine2010 · January 2011

I think it is wonderful that you considered your SIL's feelings. So many people have no inkling of compassion for people who stuggle with IF. Eventhough she was upset by your announcement, at least you tried to approach it in a manner in which you thought was sensitive to her situation.

I personally, would prefer to have found out an email. Unless I had a great relationship or friendship with said SIL. Like you said, it would provide her the time and space to deal with it emotionally before coming face to face with it.

Kdodge. . .thanks for posting that link. I think I am going to post that on my FB. There are so many people in the world who need to read that.

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