Vent + help needed: My son has bad behavior. (long)

GreenEyedGal · January 2011

Warning: A flammable vent up ahead...

He's 15 months old and I aleady feeling like I'm failing as mother. I know that sounds pretty dramatic but I'm a frustrated mom. Surely he has this kind of behavior because of what he sees. The tantrums have already started and I don't know how to react to them. Usually I raise my voice and tell him to stop, which only pisses him off more and makes things worse so now I'm trying to be calm. So far, it has the same result.

If I take something away that he's not supposed to have he'll throw himself on the ground and SCREAM. If I he's sneaked away to the bathroom (when we forget to close the door) I'll carry him and he'll kick his legs, wail his arms around and arch is back, which as you an imagine, makes it very very hard to carry him from one room to another. The other day he bit my shoulder. He was actually trying to inflict pain on me. Yesterday he ate a random object off the floor so I stuck my finger in his mouth to get it (it was a Goldfish crumb) and the minute my finger went in his mouth, he chomped down hard and broke skin. This morning, I put him down for his nap and he fought me the whole time. Kicking his legs, screaming, wailing his arms...it took me 10 minutes to put on his sleep sack and change his diaper.

I'm frustrated. Not at him, I get that he's a baby and doesn't "get" what he's doing half the time but at myself. He must be acting this way because of what my husband are doing...or not doing.

I kind of want to break down and cry because its obvious that I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not punishing him right or teaching him to be nice and obey. And I know 99.9% of toddlers don't cooperate but I can't imagine all toddlers behaving this way. And it breaks my heart because he's so young. Too young to be acting this way.

I'm going to continue on being calm and having a low voice when he's acting up. I don't want to yell and cause a negative environment in that way. I even told my husband to not raise his voice when he's throwing the food on the floor but to ignore him. I think yelling parents=yelling child.

In the meantime, can you girls offer any advice or have any book recommendations? I clearly need some sort of manual on how to discipline my child because I have no idea what I'm doing.

madhatter2003 · January 2011

honey, he is being 100% normal. NORMAL. it is not you, he is a toddler. Period, end of story.

I'll write more after my meeting, but you are doing fine.

choco_lab · January 2011

I think boys are hard. They want to get into everything and have high energy! I'll give you some advice that you can start today. I think I read it in The Happiest Toddler on the Block or a combo of some other books?? Basically it says that toddlers are little cavemen and you need to keep it simple. You are just learning how to deal with this new phase! It will be OK!

- When you correct him say "no hit" or "no throw" and that's it. Not "no hitting.. that will hurt mom.. you don't want mom to be sad do you?" etc. They don't understand a long winded story about "don't hit mom. you don't want to hurt mom, do you? hitting will hurt mom and then she'll be sad". Too many words to understand.

- If they are doing something wrong (like when my son goes and plays on the computer), clap your hands loudly and growl. It sounds crazy but my son really responded to it! It snaps him into another world without using words and gets his attention. Then redirect him to something else. This also works well because both my husband and I can do it with the same effect.. neither is yelling in a loud voice.. just clapping.

- When he's screaming and throwing a fit, say to him "You're MAD! You're really mad because mom took you away from the potty! You wanted to play in the bathroom!" You are giving them the words that they can't say themselves and it does difuse them. Again, it sounds silly when you are doing it but it really works!

muppet.fan · January 2011

Please don't beat yourself up -- it sounds like you have a toddler! He has limited abilities to communicate and huge emotions. The two don't mix well.

Biting is normal in toddlers. It's definitely not you and he's not trying to hurt you. Our daycare flat out told us to expect it.

We've only just recently gotten a taste of toddler tantrums, but I usually make sure Elizabeth is in a safe place like the hallway and let her go at it. I calmly tell her that I'll be in the family room (within plain sight) and that she can come be with me when she's done. Sometimes I think she needs the release that a tantrum gives her. If I react or try to comfort or calm her, it makes things worse.

For books, ditto Happiest Toddler on the Block and I also liked Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. I know you'll get some other good recommendations.

GreenEyedGal · January 2011

Thank you so so much for your advice, girls. Happiest Toddler on the Block-why didn't I think of that? We had some great results from the baby version so I'm definitely picking that book up asap.

Ironically, I have an email in my inbox with a link on how to handle tantrums.

This kind of puts me at ease, knowing that it's not me or my son but normal behavior. Nonetheless, I don't know how to treat the behavior so please keep your advice coming.

artygirl · January 2011

This sounds normal to me

I certainly wouldn't say that you are failing as a mother!

When Lucas does the arch his back and scream thing when he doesn't get his way, I just gently put him on the floor and say something like 'you seem pretty unhappy right now so I'll let you work this out". I guess I basically ignore it. He did this the other day when we came home from daycare. He wanted to play outside, but it was slushy and cold and neither of us were wearing appropriate footwear.

Yesterday, I visited the pediatrician and she gave me offered some unsolicited advice regarding tantrums and she said to ignore them and the novelty will wear off.

Lucas hasn't yet tried to inflict pain on me, but my pediatrician offered her advice for when he does. She recommended saying "No biting (or other bad behavior), and turn my back to him for 5 seconds'. Sort of a super-mini timeout. Basically she said that I want to hurt his feelings a little bit when he does something mean like that.

I haven't read any discipline books yet, but I'm making a list of suggestions for when the time comes

dundasgirl · January 2011

Penny is 16 months old and she has tantrums. Like when she is running, trips and falls. She gets up, goes over to the wall and hits it! My son never did that, so I don't think it is just boys.

My daughter has always been more dramatic and emotional than my son. She was DEVASTATED when we tried to put her in her crib instead of sleeping with me.

And my daughter talks so it isn't that she doesn't have the words. I think it is natural and we just have to teach them how to channel handle their emotions..ie. no hitting, gentle touch, no throwing food, sit on your bum, and all the other fun stuff.

You are doing a great job...Don't worry about that. You have many more months of this to look forward to!

kellyloveszach · January 2011

Sounds completely normal to me. My DS was the same way. He would bite, scream, bang his head on the floor, and my personal favorite he would stick his hands down his throat to make himself vomit.

I got the Super Nanny book and that helped a lot. We began loose timeouts around 18 months and now we do them for real. At the 15 month stage, I would just ignore it or try to redirect (which was a lost cause most of the time). Just repeat to yourself "It's just a phase" say it over and over again when he is being difficult. That definitely helped me to calm down. Good Luck.

dana316 · January 2011

Sounds like normal toddler behavior to me.

Caroline is a fit pitcher. She has even gone so far as to GENTLY lay down in the floor and then proceed to have her fit (she doesn't want to hit her head, she's a smart girl).

I completely ignore tantrums. They don't get you any attention (positive or negative) at my house. I turn my back on her and go on with my life. Same for hysterics during diaper changes. I ignore the bad behavior and just do what we have to do and move on.

I don't yell at her...because I don't want to be yelled at. I don't think she understands it anyway, and I don't think it would get me the results I'm looking for.

The other thing I strive for is 100% consistency. If it is wrong today, it is wrong tomorrow.

The food throwing thing? She gets one warning, then if she does it again, the meal is over. Period. No yelling, no threats, nothing like that. Just a simple "we don't throw food, food goes in our mouth"...and then the next time, we end the meal. No drama.

I certainly don't have it all figured out, but what we do works for us, so far.

Good luck!

EastCoastBride · January 2011

Normal, but here's my advice - don't underestimate what he can understand. I had an eye-opening reality check when DS was 18 months old.

I had read Love & Logic for Early Childhood (recommend it!). And started giving it a try.

At this point, I was usually picking him up when it was time to go upstairs for bed. Then he started fighting it- arching his back, etc. It was becoming a challenge. One day, I said to him "It's time to go upstairs. Do you want me to carry you or do you want to walk up?". He immediately got off the couch, turned, and walked to the stairs and started to crawl up.

Honestly, I was dumbfounded for a moment! One, that he understood all of that, and two, that is WORKED!

But it was a huge lesson in how much he understood.

What a lot of it is about - control. Kids want to feel they are in control. So giving them choices (just 2, either of which you can live with) lets them feel like they aer in control.

I just wrote about this earlier today- now it's taking his shirt off at night. He has started fighting that. So I started with "which arm do you want to take out first?" and now it's "do you want to do each arm or do you want to take it over your head?". No fight! Off his shirt goes.

Also, I try to tell him what we're going to do. "After 2 more, one, two, Wiggles songs, we're going to say bye-bye and go upstairs". After the first song I say "O.k., one more song". Then after that, it's time to say bye bye, I turn the TV off and say "O.k. - time to go upstairs".

And usually, right upstairs he heads. sometimes he'll go to his toys to distract, but then I say "Oh- do you want to take a toy with you? You can choose one toy to take upstairs". He picks up a toy and off we go (and usually in our bedtime routine, I get the toy back and later take it back down).

he's 2. He has tantrums and sometimes nothing works. But by and large, I have found that the more I talk to him, give him choices and try to work w/ whatever it is he's doing, the more he cooperates.

Good luck!

jds0521 · January 2011

I'm so sorry you are going thru this - it must be very tough. I don't have a toddler, but I am reading the Baby Whisperer book for infants & noticed they had a toddler one too. It may be worth checking out. GL sweetie!

somethingchangd · January 2011

I think EastCoast had some great suggestions. I really think they understand so much more than we give them credit for. I have really noticed both with Oliver (who is admittedly an "easy" toddler) and my nephew (who is...um...not easy) that laying out a plan in advance and explaining explaining explaining does work wonders. They like knowing what to expect and they love having control over the situation. So in a lot of ways the trick is to figure out how to give them a sense of control while still accomplishing what you want done. (The PP gave great examples about going to bed and putting on a shirt. Similarly, I'm finding that when Ollie wants to be done eating but clearly isn't full "1 more bite" or "3 more bites" is working really well. I can give him an outlandish number of bites - say 3 more bites of each thing on his plate - and it still relieves some pressure. He then feels empowered and knows what to expect next. Works like a charm - at least for now.)

I also want to say that I think so much of this kind of behavior is just part of who they are. I believe there are kids who are naturally good sleepers and those who naturally don't sleep well. And I believe some kids are just wired to test boundaries more than others. I am really lucky that Oliver isn't a boundary tester (at least for now), but I don't think it's what I'm doing or not doing. I think it's just who he is. So don't beat yourself up for your toddler being a toddler. It's just who he is!

LSUBride3 · January 2011

{want to talk flames...}About the biting...all the "old school" people i told about that said the same thing "bite them back." Supossedly it'll do the trick. Luckily i haven't had to do this one yet.

Thanks for posting...i don't feel so alone now (except i do scream-ALOT.) Toddlers are HARD! The key is redirect. Like one poster said about the growling-someone else told me to start laughing when they get upset-usually seeing you laugh will make them laugh. Of course, it's easier said than done, especially in the middle of a tantrum.

GL! I think i'll check out the happy toddler book too.

GreenEyedGal · January 2011

Thanks everyone for your great suggestions!

Want a personalized experience?

Vent + help needed: My son has bad behavior. (long)

Re: Vent + help needed: My son has bad behavior. (long)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards