unique situation...need honest opinions (a little long, sorry)

COMomma81 · January 2011

I've been posting a lot, in search of the perfect girls name. I've had something on my heart since before I got pregnant, but it's kind of a touchy situation and I need some feedback before I take it to the next level...

My cousin's beautiful little girl passed away last year of cancer at the age of 2. The whole story of what they went though, the grace they had in the face of such tragedy, and the strength of the baby and her family seriously changed my life, as well as many others. I'd prefer not to share her name, but I'd love to honor her because of the profound affect she had on not just me, but so many others.

My husband has known long before I got pregnant that I felt this way and supports it. We've still discussed other names, but my heart is drawn to this. I haven't asked my cousin yet, because I want to know if you think it'd be too much. I don't want to hurt her in anyway, it would be meant to celebrate her amazing little girl. To add, we live in different states, and we're 2nd cousins, so we wouldn't constantly be seeing each other at family gatherings. My cousin is the type of person that openly celebrates and talks about her beautiful little angel, and now runs a foundation in her name.

I guess what I'm asking...is this something that's just too sensitive or weird to entertain, or should I take the next step (should we find out we are having a girl) and ask my cousin how she feels about us using her daughter's name?

sarabina · January 2011

I'm so sorry for her loss. I think it is great that you would want to honor her and have the best of intentions. Just ask her how she feels.

CocoBrynne · January 2011

That is a very nice gesture of you to want to do. Are you and your cousin close and comfortable talking about such delicate topics? The only reason I would hesitate to bring it up is bc it was so recent and the pain is still very raw I'm sure for your cousin. I guess you should just gauge how she is healing as to whether or not she would take it as a beautiful way to honor daughter or if it would just be a painful reminder. Good luck.

hilwithonelary · January 2011

As someone who used my grandpa's name for DS only 4 months after my grandpa passed away, I think it's too much. I don't know why, but it just seems like there's something different about naming a baby after an adult who has passed vs a child who has passed. It's not that the child doesn't deserve to be honored. I just think that as your child grows up, it would be a constant reminder that your cousin's little girl didn't get to grow up.

forensicmama · January 2011

I think that's very sweet of you. I think that if I was your cousin, I wouldn't mind. HOWEVER, I would prefer that you use it as a middle name. If you used it as a first name, it would be almost as if your daughter would be replacing mine in a way. I know that sounds strange, but I'm sure I wouldn't be alone in that thought. Best of luck! Definitely talk to her and also think about using it as a middle name.

Mrs.Leah.Maria · January 2011

Augh, I just don't know. I very easily put myself in your shoes, as DH and I had our hearts set on Abigail. My cousin named her first daughter Abbi and over the course of more than a year she slowly died from an undiagnosed mitochondrial disease. My cousin is not in the same place though. They were pregnant with their second before Abbi started showing any symptoms and they also lost Sarah. Two daughters within a year. It was so sad, so I just couldn't consider naming a daughter either of her daughters names.

COMomma81 · January 2011

Really great feedback. Thanks so much. You have good points about it maybe being too much assuming my child grows up and it's a reminder hers did not. I honestly did not even think of that.

wishin&hopin2008 · January 2011

sarabina:
I'm so sorry for her loss. I think it is great that you would want to honor her and have the best of intentions. Just ask her how she feels.

agree.

What about using the name as a middle name?

mlf625 · January 2011

So very sad. Only your cousin will be able to tell you how she feels - grief is so unique, and particularly the grief of losing a child - nobody can guess how your cousin might react. My advice would be to tread very lightly. I know a few women who have lost newborn babies and young children, and I'd be willing to bet they would not want someone using their child's name. I know you're seeing it as an honor, but I think a lot of moms might feel like it takes away from the memory and uniqueness of their child - like a replacement.

I could see if you wanted to give your (hypothetical) daughter the child's name as a middle name ... but a first name may be a little too much, imo.

COMomma81 · January 2011

Crappola, I'm getting all emotional just thinking about this! I can't begin to tell you how much of a profound affect this all had on me.

Using it as a middle name is definitely something I've entertained. Unfortunately, I just can't find a first name to do it any justice (especially with some of the god-awful names my husband comes up with) and it kind of sounds awkward to me in the middle name slot. I definitely will keep trying though. That may definitely be the best solution. I was hoping to honor my sister with the middle name, but we'll see.

Thanks again everyone. Really appreciate the great feedback!

ames71 · January 2011

forensicmama:
I think that's very sweet of you. I think that if I was your cousin, I wouldn't mind. HOWEVER, I would prefer that you use it as a middle name. If you used it as a first name, it would be almost as if your daughter would be replacing mine in a way. I know that sounds strange, but I'm sure I wouldn't be alone in that thought. Best of luck! Definitely talk to her and also think about using it as a middle name.

This is exactly what I was thinking. I think your heart is in the right place.

Notwifezilla7 · January 2011

I would talk to her about it. But honestly, I don't think using it for a first name is appropriate for all the reasons mentioned above. I would use it as a middle name.

magsugar13 · January 2011

forensicmama:
I think that's very sweet of you. I think that if I was your cousin, I wouldn't mind. HOWEVER, I would prefer that you use it as a middle name. If you used it as a first name, it would be almost as if your daughter would be replacing mine in a way. I know that sounds strange, but I'm sure I wouldn't be alone in that thought. Best of luck! Definitely talk to her and also think about using it as a middle name.

I was going to say the same thing..i would say a middle name is less strange imo.

mlf625 · January 2011

lrachelle80:
I do think it'd be a reminder all the time that their son got to grow up and mine did not.

The more I think about it, the more I think this is true, 100%.

And lrachelle, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son.

GuitaristsGirl · January 2011

Oh wow. What a heartbreaking story, I'm so sorry for your cousin. I think you have a beautiful intent and that your heart is absolutely in the right place, and I hope your cousin knows how much she and her little girl mean/meant to you!

I just wanted to chime in and say that I think you've received some really great advice. My husband and I lost our first borns (twins) to extreme prematurity and, as a result, have had the occasion to meet several other people who have lost babies either at or shortly after birth, both online and IRL. If I had to guess, I would say that a majority of those would find it difficult to hear their child's name (on someone else's child) all time time, for many of the reasons discussed above.

That said, your cousin's situation (an older baby/ child, after an extended illness) is absolutely different, and I can't begin to imagine what she's been through. My experience is nothing compared to hers, and I'm not pretending to know how she might feel about this situation!! -- Just relaying my thoughts from the closest thing I do know.

I understand wanting to keep privacy, but these girls are pretty good Maybe you could share the first name sometime, and they could brainstorm names that would work to use it as a middle name? Or what about using your cousin's baby's middle name as your LO's middle name? Something like that?

kellyt327 · January 2011

forensicmama:
I think that's very sweet of you. I think that if I was your cousin, I wouldn't mind. HOWEVER, I would prefer that you use it as a middle name. If you used it as a first name, it would be almost as if your daughter would be replacing mine in a way. I know that sounds strange, but I'm sure I wouldn't be alone in that thought. Best of luck! Definitely talk to her and also think about using it as a middle name.

This.

I like the idea of using it as a middle name. That way your cousin's little girl is always with your LO but it's not so "in everyone's face" (maybe that's not the right wording!) and such a constant reminder. JMO.

COMomma81 · January 2011

GuitaristsGirl:
Oh wow. What a heartbreaking story, I'm so sorry for your cousin. I think you have a beautiful intent and that your heart is absolutely in the right place, and I hope your cousin knows how much she and her little girl mean/meant to you!
I just wanted to chime in and say that I think you've received some really great advice. My husband and I lost our first borns (twins) to extreme prematurity and, as a result, have had the occasion to meet several other people who have lost babies either at or shortly after birth, both online and IRL. If I had to guess, I would say that a majority of those would find it difficult to hear their child's name (on someone else's child) all time time, for many of the reasons discussed above.
That said, your cousin's situation (an older baby/ child, after an extended illness) is absolutely different, and I can't begin to imagine what she's been through. My experience is nothing compared to hers, and I'm not pretending to know how she might feel about this situation!! -- Just relaying my thoughts from the closest thing I do know.
I understand wanting to keep privacy, but these girls are pretty good Maybe you could share the first name sometime, and they could brainstorm names that would work to use it as a middle name? Or what about using your cousin's baby's middle name as your LO's middle name? Something like that?

Wow, I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine You're right, this is slightly different, IMO, because my cousin and her husband were extremely open about her condition and everything they were going through, even in the media and through social networking. They are still very open about her and are working hard to turn their tragic loss into a positive through a pediatric cancer research foundation. I was hesitant to post her name here, but it's Layla.

strangebird · January 2011

If you find out you're having a girl, you should:

First decide for certain if you want to use the name. This is not something you can allow ambivalence to affect, you have to make a solid decision one or another.

Then you need to contact your cousin, either in person or via telephone (NOT via email or Facebook or a letter or any other electronic source) and explain that you are having a baby girl and that you would like to remember her daughter in your future-daughter's name. Explain it to her just as you have here and tell her how much you admire her grace and strength and would like to honor those qualities.

Finally, finish with an offer to let her have time to think about it and please let her know that you will not use the name if she is at all uncomfortable with it. This is perhaps the most important step.

You are right to say this is a unique situation and none of us can really give you an answer--only your cousin can do that. First you need to make a decision of your own and foremost you need to allow her to make whatever decision she chooses. It wouldn't be right to use the name without her permission, given the situation.

Good luck to you. Please come back and tell us of the outcome when you decide: )

COMomma81 · January 2011

^^Really great advice.

Truly, everyone has given great feedback. I guess I brought it here first, before mentioning to her or other family because I was looking for exactly this sort of feedback. I wanted to know if it was just crazy to even "go there" and I REALLY didn't want to end up causing any hard feelings. I just wanted to know if it was a major faux-pas or if it would maybe be ok to take the next step.

Thank you so much again for such wonderful, honest responses. It really helped me know what I feel on this. It's just really been where my heart is and I keep thinking about it and wanted to know what to do.

hisaak · January 2011

Just stepping in with a bit of a difference perspective. My twins were stillborn - and a good friend asked me if I would mind if she used Sophie for her little girl. She was very respectful about it, made it super clear I could say no, and gave me time to think about it.

We eventually decided yes, and I am so thankful. Yes, sometimes she brings tears to my eyes, but it just feels right to see my babe's name on a bouncing baby girl.

Every situation is different, and every parents grieves different. I in no way can understand what it would be like to lose my 2 year old!

But that is my two cents worth anyway.

tazluvr · January 2011

I agree with the poster who suggested maybe using her name as a middle name, but not a first. I just feel like if I were to lost my son and a cousin (close or not) named their child my son's name, I would feel uneasy and sad about it. Almost like "JP" had been replaced. You know what I mean? Cause when people in your family later talk about "BabyName", they will say "which BabyName?" You know what I mean?

ubermoose · January 2011

First off, I really appluad you for your thoughtful and sensitive approach to the subject.

Since you feel as strongly as you do about the situation, I would say talk to your cousin. She may be thrilled with the idea, or she may be flattered but a little uneasy about you using the name. Asking would be the most appropriate thing to do (once you know you are having a girl). I know it's a delicate topic, but it avoids any awkwardness later. If you tell her what you told us, I think you'll be set.

I really can't say how I would feel in your cousin's shoes. I know I'd be touched by the sentiment behind it, at any rate, and would harbor no ill feelings for you asking. Part of me might feel a little more comfortable if the name was used as a middle name, though. It's hard to explain exactly why, but that's my initial "if it were me" reaction.

braveangel2 · January 2011

If you just liked the name because of the name, then I'd say no. But since you're inspired by the story and you want to name a child in honor of her daughter's legacy, then I say go ahead and talk to her about it. Then respect her wishes.

GuitaristsGirl · January 2011

COMomma81:
GuitaristsGirl:

Oh wow. What a heartbreaking story, I'm so sorry for your cousin. I think you have a beautiful intent and that your heart is absolutely in the right place, and I hope your cousin knows how much she and her little girl mean/meant to you!

I just wanted to chime in and say that I think you've received some really great advice. My husband and I lost our first borns (twins) to extreme prematurity and, as a result, have had the occasion to meet several other people who have lost babies either at or shortly after birth, both online and IRL. If I had to guess, I would say that a majority of those would find it difficult to hear their child's name (on someone else's child) all time time, for many of the reasons discussed above.

That said, your cousin's situation (an older baby/ child, after an extended illness) is absolutely different, and I can't begin to imagine what she's been through. My experience is nothing compared to hers, and I'm not pretending to know how she might feel about this situation!! -- Just relaying my thoughts from the closest thing I do know.

I understand wanting to keep privacy, but these girls are pretty good Maybe you could share the first name sometime, and they could brainstorm names that would work to use it as a middle name? Or what about using your cousin's baby's middle name as your LO's middle name? Something like that?

Wow, I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine You're right, this is slightly different, IMO, because my cousin and her husband were extremely open about her condition and everything they were going through, even in the media and through social networking. They are still very open about her and are working hard to turn their tragic loss into a positive through a pediatric cancer research foundation. I was hesitant to post her name here, but it's Layla.

What a beautiful name! I wish you so much luck in making this decision and, if you decide to, in speaking with your cousin. I have no doubt that it will touch her, regardless of the ultimate decision she makes.

queenbone · January 2011

My father died unexpectedly two weeks before my due date the first time I was pregnant. We were team green and we had no names selected. I have delivered two sons since then and I still am not ready to give my father's name to my child. It still hurts too much. It has been three years for me, I feel like two years is too soon for your cousin.

In one of your earlier posts you wrote that she talks openly about her angel. I'd suggest you use Angel/Angela/Angelina as a mn in tribute of her DD. Alternatively, since you write about how much her grace inspired you I'd use your cousin's first or middle name as the mn of your baby.

Under no circumstances do I think it would be a good idea to have your daughter's fn be the same as her deceased daughter.

loveyoubean · January 2011

All I know is that I personally would be very upset if someone used DD's name in my family... I think there are a lot of names out there that don't require a major sit down with your cousin that may make her feel upset or hurt her or cause bad blood in your family.

backinpgh · January 2011

forensicmama:
I think that's very sweet of you. I think that if I was your cousin, I wouldn't mind. HOWEVER, I would prefer that you use it as a middle name. If you used it as a first name, it would be almost as if your daughter would be replacing mine in a way. I know that sounds strange, but I'm sure I wouldn't be alone in that thought. Best of luck! Definitely talk to her and also think about using it as a middle name.

I agree here. Maybe a middle name would be a more fitting tribute.

Consider as well how your child would feel about it. They will ask one day how you named them and if you say they were named after a child who had died, they might find that a little unsettling.

PinkPearlGirl · January 2011

I think it's a great idea to use her name, especially because she had an impact on your life, but definitely talk to your cousin and explain to her why you want to use the name. My guess is that your cousin will be honored.

1medicwife · January 2011

I honestly would have to say no to this. I mean, yeah you can ask and make sure they would be ok with it, but I still say no.

If anything, use as MN in honor of her ...

britt_dickey · January 2011

Okay, I answer with some experience. Our daughter was stillborn in March and as much as it would be a sweet gesture, I don't think I could have another baby in our family with her name. I celebrate her and talk about Ella Grace all the time, but it would be hard. As a matter of fact, my cousin had a baby girl about a week before Ella Graces due date and they named her Ayla...and everytime I hear it it breaks my heart. But that's just my honest opinion!

KateRD · January 2011

Although your cousin's feelings should be paramount, I would also put some thought into how your daughter will feel about the name. If I were named after a small child who passed away, I think I would be haunted by it--especially as a small child. I think part of me would feel guilty (why did I live and this other child didn't?), and part of me would feel pressure (do I need to live my life for two people?) It would bother me in a way that it wouldn't bother me if it were my middle name, or if I were named after an older relative who passed away. Anyway, maybe I'm the only one who'd feel this way, but it's something else to consider.

pms1 · January 2011

forensicmama:
I think that's very sweet of you. I think that if I was your cousin, I wouldn't mind. HOWEVER, I would prefer that you use it as a middle name. If you used it as a first name, it would be almost as if your daughter would be replacing mine in a way. I know that sounds strange, but I'm sure I wouldn't be alone in that thought. Best of luck! Definitely talk to her and also think about using it as a middle name.

This.

beachlovingirl · January 2011

Slightly different, but my uncle's MN is after his older sister who passed away just days after being born. He has known that his whole life and he hasn't felt like he "needed to live for two" or anything like that. It was the way my grandma was able to cope with losing her. Now my grandma also had lost another baby girl before my mom was born, and since my mom survived they named her Angela, referencing an angel. Just my two cents, but I really think you need to talk to your cousin. If she says no, don't press it.

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unique situation...need honest opinions (a little long, sorry)

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