2nd child - pros and cons

JJ1973 · January 2011

I'm 38 and my LO is going on 6 months. We're thinking we may want to try for another. I never thought I'd want a child, much less two children...but, this parenting stuff is really fun (hard, but so rewarding). I guess I'm wondering how many of you have followed a similar path (multiple children after 35 and pushing 40) and what did you find about pros and cons? I really want to think this through. My first pregnancy went so well (I conceived immediately, felt great, I've bounced back so well). I'm a little concerned that I'm really pushing my luck trying to have two (like something is bound to go wrong). Oh, and I have a full time career...so that is a consideration, too. Any advice much appreciated.

Pesky · January 2011

we knew we always wanted at least 2. So it wasn't ever a real question. I will say it is harder, especially when DH travels, juggling the needs of two small kids at once. But it's awesome, especially now watching them play. In fact, DD was begging for DS to be allowed to sleep with her in her bed last night. You do have illness factors again, you're going through the same sleeplessness with the newborn phase, teething, PTing, etc. My pg with DS wasn't bad although I had more of a problem with PTL contractions. My delivery with him was better than with DD and faster. Overall, I think the early months with DS were a little easier even though comparatively he was a harder baby because we'd been there, done that and knew it would all pass soon enough. All in all, very very happy we have DS to round out our family.

indianasunshine · January 2011

This comes up a lot on this board. I have always wanted 2 kids because I am an only child and have always felt alone in the world. I don't think all only children feel this way, so this may not be the biggest consideration. There are a few "one and done" mommies on the board, and I find that I agree with a lot of their reasoning as well. I also have a full time career, and I know how challenging it can be to balance it all. DH and I just had a long conversation about #2 the other night, and he seems less scared about it than I am. Also keep in mind that DS has Down syndrome!

Basically, as hard and draining as it is, I would not be happy if we didn't at least try for another. Good luck with your decision. Whatever it is, you will know what is right for your family.

rsd12 · January 2011

I was 32 for our first, 34 for our 2nd, & 35 (2 weeks shy of 36) for our 3rd. I would love one more, but my husband is done (which I respect his decision). But if for some crazy reason he changes his mind I would look at around 39 for our 4th. I honestly feel things have gotten easier in SOME ways with having the 2nd & 3rd. I know what I am doing for the most part (or at least more than I did before we had any ; ) Actually 2 was a really easy transition for us. Man to man defense. Now we are a little outnumbered which makes it a bit more challenging.. but I love it! But I love the way my boys play together & the closeness of their age. It may not always be this way but hopefully we can instill how important family is to our boys.

cherhop1 · January 2011

I had my LO at 38 also and became pregnant again when he was 6 months old. My first pregnancy was easy. This time I had morning sickness and get weepy and bitchy. I now stay at home and I think this may have something to do with it. Big adjustment. I wouldn't change it for the world but it's not the walk in the park I imagined. I will be 39 when I deliver my 2nd child so I can't tell you pros/cons yet but I am thrilled to be having another. I don't think something is bound to go wrong if you have another but it is definitely something to really think about before proceeding. Are you happy with your career and your daycare situation? If so and your financial situation is good I think another child might be harder in the baby phase BUT once both kids get a little older they will play with and entertain eachother which makes your life A LOT easier. This is what a lot of moms of 2 more tell me.

stever · January 2011

I always knew I wanted at least one. Now we have him and we want another, if for no other than to give DS a sibling. We'll try in a year and hope for the best and if we're not lucky enough to have another then we'll consider ourselves more than blessed having or sweet boy.

gimmietimmies · January 2011

We started off only wanting 2! Embarrassed Honestly, it's not that bad. I usually work full time, currently on mat leave. I found working for a company that is supportive and has good family friendly policies to make a huge difference. My ds has had MAJOR health problems, and they've been more than generous with time for appointments. I make the time up without it affecting my family time.

They always have someone to play with (or argue!), and they're generally pretty happy. They are involved in sports/dance - usually the scheduling works out!! It is hard work, but the time consuming bits ease up when they get older.

For me the cons:

Money - you have to consider more than food, clothes, gear and toys. There is also childcare, extracurricular activities, health care costs, vacations, retirement and college savings. If you've got that covered, you're laughing. We aren't well off, but we get by. You learn to manage what you've got, what you spend and how you spend it.

Time: I have to manage and prioritize my time. I also (finally) am not afraid to ask for help. It could be anything like car pooling to having my sil's come help me catch up laundry, and I reciprocate. Otherwise, I would be a basket case. Getting time for just you, or you and dh gets a little more difficult. You have to make sure it happens.

Also, when it comes down to spending one on one time with each child, again, make it happen. I'm terrified my dk's will approach me later and point fingers, you don't know me, you didn't make time for me, you don't care, etc.

It's a lot to think about, but honestly, I wouldn't change anything. Except for now, I need a coffee!! Coffee

Peppernut · January 2011

I met the right person late, so we're doing what we can. We initially hoped for three, but we'll see how it goes.

I have a history of nasty losses, Margaux was pregnancy 8 and this is pregnancy 9. M has and had a few little issues, a two vessel cord, preterm labor, concerns about her growth in utero, and she has a VSD that will need surgery by the time she's two.

Even so, even with all that, my pregnancy was easy and conception no trouble. We may not make it to 3, I am almost 43 already, but we had to try for two. So far, so good. I did quit my career, though. I kind of hated it, so no big loss there.

KKMMex · January 2011

I'm a SAHM so my experiences come from that perspective. We have two girls who are 21 months apart. I had my first at age 39, the second at age 41. Like you I had zero trouble conceiving and both pregnancies were uneventful. I also worried (like you mentioned) about pushing the envelope with two, but I got super lucky and have two healthy children.

I love the dynamic that two children has given our family. It's been wonderful watching them grow up. Which brings me to my favorite aspect of having two - your children will play together and entertain one another. You get to watch their bond develop and their relationship grow. This was unexpected and one of the best parts of having more than one child.

The second time around was in many ways better than the first. I actually enjoyed the infancy part of DD#2 so much more! All the pressure was off and I knew what I was doing. I really appreciated having the opportunity to do everything over again and I savored every moment.

Having two has given me a different take on parenting. There's no being perfect anymore once you have two. Sometimes they both cry simultaneously and you just have to let one of them continue crying because logistically, you're one person and can't be two places at once. Having two under two forced me to learn to triage. We probably would have spaced them out a little more if I'd been younger though!

At the top of my list of the negatives of two is the fighting. My girls love each very intensely, but they also fight very intensely. I told DH last night that they would fight over a speck of dust on the floor if it was the only thing available to fight about! So it's not all puppies and rainbows. But when they choose to share and be kind to one another, it's magic.

Having two can also get expensive. Although I stay home, both girls attend preschool. This year, DD#1 is in pre-K and she goes five days a week. With DD#2 going three days, our monthly bill is super steep. But our older DD will begin public school kindergarten in the fall so it's temporary and will end soon.

One last perceived negative you should prepare for. There will be more pressure on your marriage with two, or at least that's what we found. With two children, no one gets a break anymore. With one child my husband and I could trade off childcare duties and one of us could take time to ourselves. You can't really do that with two, especially when they are very small. There's just too much work to do and everyone has to pull their weight to make family life run smoothly.

If you decide to have two, invest in a great babysitter and be sure to take time for your relationship with your spouse. For some reason this became overwhelmingly important after #2 arrived and we really felt the need. Our relationship survived 2 under 2 but there were definitely some bumps along the way.

peeper72 · January 2011

We are trying for #2 and have been for 8 months - DD is 19 months old now. When Ada was born my heart just got so big. I couldn't have even imagined how much love I could feel. I can only imagine the love growing exponentially with a second child.

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