Struggling...cried all night TTCAL/EDD Related

butterflynola · January 2011

I'm struggling with TTCAL and with my loss in general. My due date is Friday and I keep playing the week I spent in the hospital in my head like an endless reel of film. I remember the couple of days before I went into the hospital and DH and I ordered her crib/ changing table then all of asudden we were picking out caskets, ironic both were white? I feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown by Friday. I decided to go to work, but to take a half day, I'm meeting a good friend for lunch and then going to the cemetary, DH is working he says he's fine? Do you guys ever feel like you're not living your life? Everything was different before, I didn't work where I work I used to have more to talk about and to do and of course everyone wanted to talk about Nola, now I work to keep myself busy, No one ever brings up Nola everything is awkward. I don't know what I'm doing with TTCAL I feel like maybe I'm not meant to be a mother? Crying

This is going to be a long, sad day.

HadleyS · January 2011

Oh, Autumn, what a tough day today =(. I am so sorry, you can talk about Nola on here anytime you want. I am saying prayers for you and your family right now (((hugs)))

opallover · January 2011

Oh, I am so sorry. I hope peace will come soon. (((hugs)))

KaitySueWho · January 2011

((hugs)) I am so sorry your having a rough week. I wish none of us were in this position of TTCAL.

Izabella22 · January 2011

I'm so sorry Autumn, EDD time is so tough, for me I think the week building up to it was worse than the actual day, but just going over how things should have been so different was so hard. Lean on us all you need *HUGS* I hope it gets easier once you get that milestone over with, its so hard.

Temp774929562501329 · January 2011

::hugs:: i'm so sorry hun. you are a mommy, don't forget that, and i know one day you'll get the chance to be mommy to a take home baby. i totally understand your feeling of not living your life, most days i still feel like i'm just going through the motions. big big hugs hun. feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat.

julesjb · January 2011

I'm so sorry...(((hugs))) We are here for you...

MommyandKate · January 2011

I'm so very sorry. I wish I had something to say that would make you feel better.

smallfry5909 · January 2011

Biggest ((((HUGS)))) ever. I know exactly how you feel. I was up all night too, thinking how we're exactly 2 weeks away from EDD. I'm glad you're taking part of the day off... I did the same. Don't ever think that you're not meant to be a mother. You ARE a mother to a wonderful angel baby, and I truly hope that we can all be blessed again soon. This journey is so incredibly difficult, and I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. Feel free to PM if you ever need to vent :-(

shoefreak85 · January 2011

I'm so sorry!! (((HUGS))) I will be thinking and praying for you this week. Don't lose hope!

Carolee · January 2011

(((Hugs))) It's hard when people don't want to talk...it's like they have moved on.

FmrAFBrat · January 2011

((HUGS)) I am sending T&Ps your way for a BFP soon. Wishing no one had to deal with that kinda stuff this morning.

Tapatio · January 2011

EDDs are so difficult. I do know what you mean about not living life. I feel like my life has been at a standstill since my second loss. All you can do is grieve and feel. None of this fair and I'm so sorry you're in pain. I'm glad you have some sort of plan for Friday. Just remember we are all here for you when you need us ((huge hugs))

tiffanysbride · January 2011

I am so sorry. The whole week leading up to your EDD is so difficult. It made everything so real for me again as well. I replayed those last 3 days in my head over and over. Could I have changed the outcome? Should I have taken more photos? The list goes on.

I felt stuck for a very long time, honestly until very recently. Not sure if that is b/c of another loss sucking me back there or just where I am. Even now I feel so much better but there are days when I can't really motivate myself to do anything.

My only advice is to prepare for this week to be very hard and to be there for your DH. Chances are he'll have an emotional response between now and the week after. Don't beat yourself up if you need to call in sick or skip lunch with your friend. And if people won't bring your DD up, you do it. Tell them you want and need to talk, real friends will listen. They probably think they are helping you by not talking about your loss, like somehow avoiding the conversation will ever make it better for you.

I am so sorry you are going through this and have to experience the intense pain and loss all over again.

Kristipie · January 2011

{{hugs}} I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you have plans for Friday and will be with supportive people. Anytime you want to talk about Nola, we are here to listen. Also, you already are a mother.

LifeInANutshell · January 2011

I'm so sorry.

I know how you feel - this is so very hard. I haven't spoken to my DH about our upcoming EDD on 2/6, maybe I'm afraid? Or I think its more me trying to protect him. If feels like everything in the world is shoving me and telling me to forget about Jane...except for this board. This board understands that Jane was alive and she deserves to be remembered.

PolyMama2Be · January 2011

Everyone grieves in their own way and I think the women on this board know that better than most. We're all here to support and help any way we can through such a tough week. (((HUGS)))

mizdiz444 · January 2011

((((BIG HUGE HUGS))))

millejj1 · January 2011

I'm sorry. I hope things starts to get easier. Hugs!

iggy.d · January 2011

I'm so sorry Autumn. (((HUGS))) to you.

Rawr08 · January 2011

Your feelings are totally normal. I used work for the same reason. I went there to keep me busy, to keep my mind off of things. Everyone was too scared to talk to me, scared to mention my loss. It is going to be a hard time for you, but cry when you need to, and don't feel bad about laughing or having a good time.

Soon the good days will out number the bad. I think we all go through a phase of thinking we were not meant to be mothers, but that just can't be true. We are all going to be mothers, one way or another.

Sending you tons of love.

clauseka · January 2011

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. ((Hugs)) I have days (sometimes weeks) like that. Sometimes feels like I'm in limbo or something. I don't have much advice since I struggle with this too, but it helps to take your time. Feel what you feel and make no apologies.

itsmegin · January 2011

I am so sorry you are so down. My EDD was yesterday and it was really hard. I agree that I feel like I'm not living my life in the same way I was before.

But you not only are meant to be a mother, you are a mother. Just because Nola isn't with you doesn't mean you aren't here mother, always. Whether you have other kids or not, adopt, whatever, nothing can take away the fact that you are a mom.

Huge hugs for Friday, and you can talk to us about your daughter whenever you want.

inlovewithB · January 2011

Autumn-I think it is totally normal to feel this way. It has only been 4 months since you said "goodbye" to Nola, and she was with you for almost 6 months. I hate that you have to feel this way! Please feel free to talk about your baby girl to us anytime. As far as feeling like you "aren't meant to be a mother", you ARE a MOTHER! You are the only Mother Nola will ever have. big big hugs to you!! I hope you will have a living baby, but even if that doesn't happen you will always be Nola's Mom.

LilMaggs · January 2011

*huge hugs* I'm so sorry.

psumel13 · January 2011

You are meant to be a mother! I am certain of that! I havent reached my EDD yet but know I too will be a mess. THe only thing I can say is surround yourself with those that love you! BIG HUGS as you make it through your TTCAL journey!

fireflies0306 · January 2011

Don't doubt that you weren't meant to be a mother--you are, and it will happen!!! I am so sorry today is so rough for you, and although people IRL don't talk about nola, you can always talk here! i hope you find some comfort today!