A WWYD scenario

CocoBrynne · January 2011

So over the weekend I was doing some cleaning and organizing of old papers in drawers etc and found 2 pics of my DH, his BM (who he was never married to) and daughter when she was born all snuggled up together. Let me explain why this is ruffling my feathers:

This "woman" has done nothing but make his and my life a living hell in the past. She left him with their baby and managed to keep their daughter from him and his family for 5 months before they got a custody order saying she had to let him see her resulting in him and his family missing her 1st Christmas. Meanwhile she never had a bit of trouble taking $ for child support and spending it on herself. She literally said right in front of both of us "thanks for the new jacket" that she had on. She refuses to work so obviously the $ came from DH. She has also stolen cash, prescription medication and dvd's from his family. She is now a drug addict and has completely abandoned her daughter, only seeing her under very close supervision. So you can clearly see our issues with her. I didn't say anything to DH bc I didn't want to start an unnecessary argument. All other pics of this woman at our house and his family's house have been disposed of, but nonetheless it mad me really mad to find these, I don't know if they just were overlooked but is there ANY reason whatsoever these pictures should stay in our home?

bebe11 · January 2011

Oh, my DH used to get text messages that were super snarky... saying "it's payday", etc. so imature. Anyway, I wouldn't let it bug you, it's out of your control. I would probably just put the pic away somewhere for your SD when she is older.

paris.inthe.spring · January 2011

Yes, there is a very good reason for them to stay in your home. She is the BM to your SK's. They have a right to have pictures of their mother, no matter how shitty of a mother you think she is. They will always love her. They will always care about her. I think it's pretty crappy all other pics were disposed of. You can't predict the future. What if she dies tomorrow? Should the kids have no pictures of their mother? What if next year she gets sober and becomes the mother she should be?

paris.inthe.spring · January 2011

CocoBrynne:

So over the weekend I was doing some cleaning and organizing of old papers in drawers etc and found 2 pics of my DH, his BM (who he was never married to) and daughter when she was born all snuggled up together. Let me explain why this is ruffling my feathers:

This "woman" has done nothing but make his and my life a living hell in the past. She left him with their baby and managed to keep their daughter from him and his family for 5 months before they got a custody order saying she had to let him see her resulting in him and his family missing her 1st Christmas. Meanwhile she never had a bit of trouble taking $ for child support and spending it on herself. She literally said right in front of both of us "thanks for the new jacket" that she had on. She refuses to work so obviously the $ came from DH. She has also stolen cash, prescription medication and dvd's from his family. She is now a drug addict and has completely abandoned her daughter, only seeing her under very close supervision. So you can clearly see our issues with her. I didn't say anything to DH bc I didn't want to start an unnecessary argument. All other pics of this woman at our house and his family's house have been disposed of, but nonetheless it mad me really mad to find these, I don't know if they just were overlooked but is there ANY reason whatsoever these pictures should stay in our home?

Seriously, why would it make you really mad to find pictures of your SK's mother?
I need you to further elaborate on your anger issues.

And are three tickers that say the exact same thing neccesary?

CocoBrynne · January 2011

paris.inthe.spring:
Yes, there is a very good reason for them to stay in your home. She is the BM to your SK's. They have a right to have pictures of their mother, no matter how shitty of a mother you think she is. They will always love her. They will always care about her. I think it's pretty crappy all other pics were disposed of. You can't predict the future. What if she dies tomorrow? Should the kids have no pictures of their mother? What if next year she gets sober and becomes the mother she should be?

She is an awful mother, it's not even up for debate. Who chooses heroin over their child? Even after all she has done his family took her in when she was evicted bc they felt bad she would have to sleep in her car and they got her info on rehabs and tried to help her get signed up for one and she refused. All she did to repay them was steal checks and overdraw their account and steal medication that was actually needed.

paris.inthe.spring · January 2011

She is a drug addict, they choose drugs over everyone. It's a disease.

However, that does not mean in a few years she won't be sober. And regardless, her children deserve to know who their mother is and to have photographs of them. It doesn't matter if she is the worst mother in the world, her children deserve to know who she is.

karatechrissy · January 2011

I think all of us at one point or another have stumbled upon pictures of our H's w bm. I think you are making a bigger deal over it than need be. Sure, maybe she is a drug addict biotch. She is still their mom. My H personally gave all pictures of the 3 of them to her mom (she is very sentimental w pictures) so my ss will have pictures if he err needs them. They are not displayed in my home, however. I think you need to ome to terms w issues you have, bc your reaction was a little overboard. Ps - who needs 3 tickers that say the same thing?!?!

CocoBrynne · January 2011

paris.inthe.spring:

She is a drug addict, they choose drugs over everyone. It's a disease.

However, that does not mean in a few years she won't be sober. And regardless, her children deserve to know who their mother is and to have photographs of them. It doesn't matter if she is the worst mother in the world, her children deserve to know who she is.

No excuse, she isn't brain dead, she NEVER should have picked up the drug the first time, how can anyone possibly rationalize someone using such a hard drug esp when you have a child? Her child knows who she is and is afraid of her at this point. We have zero contact with her, any contact she has with her is thru her family who tells us that she won't even go to her mother and screams bloody murder. It is very hard for me to have an ounce of sympathy for her, she has messed her child up so badly because she chose to be selfish and use drugs.

paris.inthe.spring · January 2011

CocoBrynne:
paris.inthe.spring:

She is a drug addict, they choose drugs over everyone. It's a disease.

However, that does not mean in a few years she won't be sober. And regardless, her children deserve to know who their mother is and to have photographs of them. It doesn't matter if she is the worst mother in the world, her children deserve to know who she is.

No excuse, she isn't brain dead, she NEVER should have picked up the drug the first time, how can anyone possibly rationalize someone using such a hard drug esp when you have a child? Her child knows who she is and is afraid of her at this point. We have zero contact with her, any contact she has with her is thru her family who tells us that she won't even go to her mother and screams bloody murder. It is very hard for me to have an ounce of sympathy for her, she has messed her child up so badly because she chose to be selfish and use drugs.

You obviously have not been around many drug addicts in your time (which I gather to be rather short from your posts). Educate yourself, please, for the sake of your SK's on what it means to be a drug addict and what leads people down that horrible road. It's not a matter of being brain dead or not, and you need to understand the dynamics of a drug addicts mind and life.

How old is SD?

paris.inthe.spring · January 2011

And really, do you not get it? Who she is today, may not be who she is in 6 months or 6 years. You cannot predict the future. It is possible that she could get clean and could become the mother she should be to her child. And regardles,, WTF is wrong with having pictures of her for your SD? Why should that make you angry?

I have a very good friend who was abandoned by her heroin addicted, prostitute of a mother. She was raised solely by her grandparents. The mom would pop in every few years. As a toddler she was afraid of her, she didn't know her. She was essentially a stranger, even though she technically "knew" who she was. She is now an 18 yo girl about to graduate from HS, and go to college on a near full scholarship. She has seen her mother occasionally at best over the past 18 years. She STILL loves her Mom. She still craves her mothers attention. She will always care about her, worry about her, and wish that she could have been a good mother. It's only natural. And she cherishes every photo, and every memory she has of her, which are very very few.

CocoBrynne · January 2011

paris.inthe.spring:
CocoBrynne:
paris.inthe.spring:

She is a drug addict, they choose drugs over everyone. It's a disease.

However, that does not mean in a few years she won't be sober. And regardless, her children deserve to know who their mother is and to have photographs of them. It doesn't matter if she is the worst mother in the world, her children deserve to know who she is.

No excuse, she isn't brain dead, she NEVER should have picked up the drug the first time, how can anyone possibly rationalize someone using such a hard drug esp when you have a child? Her child knows who she is and is afraid of her at this point. We have zero contact with her, any contact she has with her is thru her family who tells us that she won't even go to her mother and screams bloody murder. It is very hard for me to have an ounce of sympathy for her, she has messed her child up so badly because she chose to be selfish and use drugs.

You obviously have not been around many drug addicts in your time (which I gather to be rather short from your posts). Educate yourself, please, for the sake of your SK's on what it means to be a drug addict and what leads people down that horrible road. It's not a matter of being brain dead or not, and you need to understand the dynamics of a drug addicts mind and life.

How old is SD?

You're right I have not been around drug addicts. I am btw since you brought it up, 29 years old, college educated, and a homeowner with my husband. We chose not to associate with people who CHOSE to live such destructive selfish lifestyles. I don't really care to hear their sob stories and why they chose to use drugs to 'escape'. Lots of people have not so great lives and don't become dope fiends. There are so so many resources available to those who WANT help the problem is they don't want it bc they enjoy on some level this twisted lifestyle. Honestly I hope she does get it together for her daughter but if not I'm not losing sleep over her poor choices. I just don't see why it's our responsibility to keep pics of her when she has her own family who has plenty of pics.

SD is 3.

LJF1218 · January 2011

You don't have to have any sympathy for the BM, but you do have to face she is the BM and her daughter may want these pictures someday. So put them away so you don't have to see them everyday, but save them for your SD; she deserves to choose if they will be destroyed or not when she is older.

Agree with PP as well that you don't know what the future holds. Drug addiction is a horrible, awful thing that is not understood by many and is difficult to have sympathy for. But BM may at some point recover from this and become a productive part of SD life. She may also get worse ... and it would be important for SD to have a picture of her BM in case SD has no memory of her. It's SD's right to know where she came from and have a picture of her BM; don't take that away from her.

paris.inthe.spring · January 2011

CocoBrynne:
paris.inthe.spring:
CocoBrynne:
paris.inthe.spring:

She is a drug addict, they choose drugs over everyone. It's a disease.

However, that does not mean in a few years she won't be sober. And regardless, her children deserve to know who their mother is and to have photographs of them. It doesn't matter if she is the worst mother in the world, her children deserve to know who she is.

No excuse, she isn't brain dead, she NEVER should have picked up the drug the first time, how can anyone possibly rationalize someone using such a hard drug esp when you have a child? Her child knows who she is and is afraid of her at this point. We have zero contact with her, any contact she has with her is thru her family who tells us that she won't even go to her mother and screams bloody murder. It is very hard for me to have an ounce of sympathy for her, she has messed her child up so badly because she chose to be selfish and use drugs.

You obviously have not been around many drug addicts in your time (which I gather to be rather short from your posts). Educate yourself, please, for the sake of your SK's on what it means to be a drug addict and what leads people down that horrible road. It's not a matter of being brain dead or not, and you need to understand the dynamics of a drug addicts mind and life.

How old is SD?

You're right I have not been around drug addicts. I am btw since you brought it up, 29 years old, college educated, and a homeowner with my husband. We chose not to associate with people who CHOSE to live such destructive selfish lifestyles. I don't really care to hear their sob stories and why they chose to use drugs to 'escape'. Lots of people have not so great lives and don't become dope fiends. There are so so many resources available to those who WANT help the problem is they don't want it bc they enjoy on some level this twisted lifestyle. Honestly I hope she does get it together for her daughter but if not I'm not losing sleep over her poor choices. I just don't see why it's our responsibility to keep pics of her when she has her own family who has plenty of pics.

SD is 3.

Seriously, you have a drug addict in your family. Go educate yourself about what it means to be a drug addict, and what it means to have one in your family. You are certainly not acting like a 29 yo college educated woman. You are acting like a jealous, misinformed 18 yo. Grow up.

There are NOT so so many options out there for a serious drug addict. How is that dope fiend on the corner supposed to find a quality rehab center when they don't leave the block where they shoot up and live? Where are all these magical rehab facilities located? Where are all the miracle workers to help these people?

You don't sound like a very kind or compassionate person.

And why is it your responsibility? See above. Have a little compassion. What if BM's family's house burned down and they lost all their photos and SD had nothing. Sad.

CocoBrynne · January 2011

paris.inthe.spring:
CocoBrynne:
paris.inthe.spring:
CocoBrynne:
paris.inthe.spring:

She is a drug addict, they choose drugs over everyone. It's a disease.

However, that does not mean in a few years she won't be sober. And regardless, her children deserve to know who their mother is and to have photographs of them. It doesn't matter if she is the worst mother in the world, her children deserve to know who she is.

No excuse, she isn't brain dead, she NEVER should have picked up the drug the first time, how can anyone possibly rationalize someone using such a hard drug esp when you have a child? Her child knows who she is and is afraid of her at this point. We have zero contact with her, any contact she has with her is thru her family who tells us that she won't even go to her mother and screams bloody murder. It is very hard for me to have an ounce of sympathy for her, she has messed her child up so badly because she chose to be selfish and use drugs.

You obviously have not been around many drug addicts in your time (which I gather to be rather short from your posts). Educate yourself, please, for the sake of your SK's on what it means to be a drug addict and what leads people down that horrible road. It's not a matter of being brain dead or not, and you need to understand the dynamics of a drug addicts mind and life.

How old is SD?

You're right I have not been around drug addicts. I am btw since you brought it up, 29 years old, college educated, and a homeowner with my husband. We chose not to associate with people who CHOSE to live such destructive selfish lifestyles. I don't really care to hear their sob stories and why they chose to use drugs to 'escape'. Lots of people have not so great lives and don't become dope fiends. There are so so many resources available to those who WANT help the problem is they don't want it bc they enjoy on some level this twisted lifestyle. Honestly I hope she does get it together for her daughter but if not I'm not losing sleep over her poor choices. I just don't see why it's our responsibility to keep pics of her when she has her own family who has plenty of pics.

SD is 3.

Seriously, you have a drug addict in your family. Go educate yourself about what it means to be a drug addict, and what it means to have one in your family. You are certainly not acting like a 29 yo college educated woman. You are acting like a jealous, misinformed 18 yo. Grow up.
There are NOT so so many options out there for a serious drug addict. How is that dope fiend on the corner supposed to find a quality rehab center when they don't leave the block where they shoot up and live? Where are all these magical rehab facilities located? Where are all the miracle workers to help these people?

You don't sound like a very kind or compassionate person.

And why is it your responsibility? See above. Have a little compassion. What if BM's family's house burned down and they lost all their photos and SD had nothing. Sad.

I'm sorry you must not have read the part of previous post where I stated DH's family got her info and even took her to quality rehab centers near us (that are not in the projects) to encourage her to talk to people about admission and she refused to follow up or accept the help. At least one center was willing to accept her for in patient and she refused and made excuse after excuse why she couldn't go. You are showing how naive you really are to how manipulative drug addicts can be. She is not part of our family bc of her actions not ours.

CocoBrynne · January 2011

paris.inthe.spring:
CocoBrynne:
paris.inthe.spring:
CocoBrynne:
paris.inthe.spring:

She is a drug addict, they choose drugs over everyone. It's a disease.

However, that does not mean in a few years she won't be sober. And regardless, her children deserve to know who their mother is and to have photographs of them. It doesn't matter if she is the worst mother in the world, her children deserve to know who she is.

No excuse, she isn't brain dead, she NEVER should have picked up the drug the first time, how can anyone possibly rationalize someone using such a hard drug esp when you have a child? Her child knows who she is and is afraid of her at this point. We have zero contact with her, any contact she has with her is thru her family who tells us that she won't even go to her mother and screams bloody murder. It is very hard for me to have an ounce of sympathy for her, she has messed her child up so badly because she chose to be selfish and use drugs.

You obviously have not been around many drug addicts in your time (which I gather to be rather short from your posts). Educate yourself, please, for the sake of your SK's on what it means to be a drug addict and what leads people down that horrible road. It's not a matter of being brain dead or not, and you need to understand the dynamics of a drug addicts mind and life.

How old is SD?

You're right I have not been around drug addicts. I am btw since you brought it up, 29 years old, college educated, and a homeowner with my husband. We chose not to associate with people who CHOSE to live such destructive selfish lifestyles. I don't really care to hear their sob stories and why they chose to use drugs to 'escape'. Lots of people have not so great lives and don't become dope fiends. There are so so many resources available to those who WANT help the problem is they don't want it bc they enjoy on some level this twisted lifestyle. Honestly I hope she does get it together for her daughter but if not I'm not losing sleep over her poor choices. I just don't see why it's our responsibility to keep pics of her when she has her own family who has plenty of pics.

SD is 3.

Seriously, you have a drug addict in your family. Go educate yourself about what it means to be a drug addict, and what it means to have one in your family. You are certainly not acting like a 29 yo college educated woman. You are acting like a jealous, misinformed 18 yo. Grow up.
There are NOT so so many options out there for a serious drug addict. How is that dope fiend on the corner supposed to find a quality rehab center when they don't leave the block where they shoot up and live? Where are all these magical rehab facilities located? Where are all the miracle workers to help these people?

You don't sound like a very kind or compassionate person.

And why is it your responsibility? See above. Have a little compassion. What if BM's family's house burned down and they lost all their photos and SD had nothing. Sad.

Your compassion is misplaced, instead of feeling sorry for a drug addict, feel sorry for her biological family and daughter she is screwing up.

paris.inthe.spring · January 2011

I feel horrible for her daughter, and for her family, who will always be effected by her actions. However, I also have compassion for her, because she is sick. She has an illness, that affects everything think she does. It has consumed her body, her mind, her life, and to not have compassion for someone in that position is pretty sick IMO.

As for getting her the phone numbers to some rehab place, it's just not that easy. And if you would go and educate yourself on addiction, and the lives of addicts you would understand this.

She is, by default part of your family, as long as her daughter is part of your family. You can "disown" her all you want, it doesn't mean that her daughter will, or for that matter should.

mrs.conn23 · January 2011

I can relate to your feelings.

My SS's mother has not been an 'active' parent since he was 6 mos. old. (I use the term loosely as from what I understand, she never really took care of him. If DH wasn't around, she'd pass him off to her parents). He is now 10. DH has sole legal and physical custody of SS. She has not seen him since he was maybe 2 or so.

DH has a box of pictures from when they were together. Also a few other documents with her personal information. We keep this information for future research purposes in case SS wants to find his mother one day.

I remember the first time I saw the pictures. Seeing DH and her together and looking happy did not bother me. Seeing her holding a baby SS pissed me off beyond belief. I just do not understand, to this day, how she could just walk away from her child. He's a wonderful kid and deserves all the love he can get.

But DH and I just designated a box for 'her' stuff and we don't open it. SS is going to want to know about his mom one day. He may want to find her. He deserves those pictures and the information so he can get a complete picture of where he comes from.

You should keep the pictures for your SD. It's not fair for you to make the decision to throw away her history. Just put them away and out of sight, out of mind.

fauxshelley · January 2011

Bottom line, those pictures may mean something to your SD one day. I'm sure your DH is saving them for her. God forbid she never gets clean, at least your SD will have a picture showing that at one point in her life, she had 2 bio parents that loved each other and her.

FWIW, my parents have been divorced over 25 years and I still have a framed picture that was taken on their honeymoon. It makes me happy to see them so young and in love. I kept pictures of me and my XH for that very same reason, for my kids.

LauraLynneC · January 2011

Lurker chiming in - probably not what you want to hear but man I'm compelled to say it anyway.

You're threatened by a PICTURE?! Really? It's a picture. Of the woman who gave birth to your SD. She's a woman who your DH found attractive/appealing enough to procreate with. She gave life to his daughter. A child who you're now raising and - given the height of your emotions surrounding this - you care about, a lot. Put it in a box. Put the box somewhere you don't have to think about for awhile. But don't get rid of it. That's not your right. It is your DH and your SD decision.

And get a grip - it's a picture, it's not like she recently left her underware in your bed.

kgabardy · January 2011

To add some perspective to this topic....

As much as I've vented on this board time and time again about my ex-husband, and it's obvious to everyone how much I dislike him, I still kept pictures of him that include my son in them, from when we were married. Why? Because that's my son's dad. Now, my situation is different from yours, in that my ex-husband is not an addict, and we share 50/50 custody of our son....but regardless, those pictures have my son in them (and I personally can't imagine throwing any picture of my son away, regardless of who is in it), and he may want them one day. Are they framed on my mantle? No, of course not. They are put away, in a box in my garage.

On another note, my son's biological father (not my ex husband....I know, gets confusing) abandoned me 3 days after I told him I was pregnant back in 1998. He was not there for the pregnancy, and I was fine with that. He was a horrible influence, had a drinking problem and who knows what else, and would not have been a stable father to my son. Fast forward to when my son was almost 2, and his biological father came around for maybe 3-4 months while he was dating a girl who encouraged him to have a relationship with his son. He proved to be exactly the same person he was before, and when I married my now ex-husband, my son's biological father signed over all rights, allowing my now-ex-husband to adopt my son.

Despite all that, my son is now 11, and just this past summer, he met his biological father for the first time since he was 2. His bio-dad is settled, has 2 daughters, a stable job, and cleaned up his act tremendously. I never thought I would actually call him a friend, but for the last year, he has really shown great maturity and change from the person he was 11 years ago.

I say this, because it's proof that people CAN change, no matter how unlikely it seems that they won't. My son's biological father did and said some horrible things to me, but that doesn't change the fact that he and my son share DNA. I always kept the few pictures I had of him, for my son's sake, because even though the guy was a hot mess when I knew him back then, my son still had a right to know the other half of his DNA, should he make that choice.

I hope this helps to shed some light on why it might be a good idea to relax a little in regards to this. I understand wanting to protect your DH and stepchildren, but trying to eliminate all proof that their BM exists, will only make you look worse when they get older. The best suggestion I can make is to just be there for your stepkid(s), and love them like I'm sure you already do.

Ooglybear · January 2011

CocoBrynne:
So over the weekend I was doing some cleaning and organizing of old papers in drawers etc and found 2 pics of my DH, his BM (who he was never married to) and daughter when she was born all snuggled up together. Let me explain why this is ruffling my feathers:

You are getting all bent out of shape about BM being in this picture and overlooking the fact that this is a picture of YH with SD on the day she was born. That's reason enough to keep it.

fellesferie · January 2011

Can you really not compartmentalize things? You're a grown up; it's a good skill to have.

Yes, she's done X, Y, and Z horrible things. But none of that erases the fact that she's the girl's mother. It's not really up to either you or your H to take away a picture that might mean a great deal to her in the future.

Maybe as she grows up, she'll feel abandoned by her biological mom, and it will mean something to her to know that on that day, her mom was there and she loved her.

Just put it in a box, put your SD's name on it, and put it up in your attic. It's nothing to you, but it may mean something to her.

I would be incredibly hurt and angry at ANYONE who took it upon themselves to dispose of pictures of me and either one of my parents.

Phantomgirl · January 2011

You sound really insecure and a little off kilter. A picture really had that effect on you??? If you were stable and secure in your relationship you would not care who was in the picture.

IF you destroy that picture you are not putting the best interest of your SD before your own selfish interests. That is a picture she may / may not treasure some day.

I have had to put my big girl pants on at times and actually take pictures of my DH and BM with my SS at bdays and his communion. What ever it a picture, stored in a file on this computer. The only pics hanging in my house are of my wedding and DH and I with SS over the years.

BTW - both DH and I spent time in rehab for drug addiction / alcoholism. We are sober, college educated ( I have a degree in Business and Marketing and am in my final year of my Law Degree), DH owns his own business and we just build our dream home last year. We also both come from good families and live in Ireland so have never even visited the 'projects' as you mentioned. You have ridiculous opinions on addiction and know very little about it. In saying that I absolutely get that dealing with a drug addict is frustrating and down right disillusioning.

She may never be mother of the year, but unfortunately she will be mother (in title) for ever. Save the pic for your SD, she will appreciate the gesture some day, even if it consists of you and her burning it together.

ambrvan · January 2011

paris.inthe.spring:

And regardless, her children deserve to know who their mother is and to have photographs of them. It doesn't matter if she is the worst mother in the world, her children deserve to know who she is.

It has nothing to do with your feelings of her or whether she is a "good" mother or not. Our BM is the same way, really. Not heroin, but other things and milder drugs. In time, your skid(s) will come to realize who they can count on and who they can't. But it doesn't mean they wouldn't want a picture of her or that they shouldn't have a picture of her. My DH was never married to BM, and she kept SD away from him and his family for five months as well when she was a baby (and when he was granted 50/50 visitation, she was malnourished and had a skin condition from unsanitary conditions and diaper rash so severe that her skin was gone from her thighs all the way up to her stomach and back and had not seen a doctor once in that time period). But SD (4) has a picture of her, BM, and DH all together when she was a newborn, and she also has a picture of BM and her older half-sibs, as well.

Whether the parent is a good/responsible parent or not (addict, sleezebag, selfish brat unwilling to put kids before self, etc), they are still the biological parent and their children ought to know who they are. If that biological connection did not matter to a child, then why would adopted and abandoned children so often seek out the parent(s) missing in their lives?

Breezy1979 · January 2011

I never post on this board, but felt the need to add my two cents...

With DH's ex, when I did randomly find items pertaining to her (which I still did after we moved a while back, even though they had been divorced for 6-7 years), I would chuck it in the garbage. H*ll, I even threw her wedding dress away....I just didn't want her items taking up space in our home, and did not personally care enough for her to give them to her. Looking back now, I probably should have at least offered the things that were more sentimental. However, I NEVER threw out pictures that included her and SS. If I remember correctly, we gave them to her to keep. If we didn't, then they are hanging out in a box in the attic. In think SS is entitled to photos of him and his mother, and I would not want him to be angry towards me later on for depriving him of that.

J&A2008 · January 2011

DH has no pics of BM, but I have copied and saved some of her and the boys that she had on her myspace page. Her life is a mess, and I wouldn't trust her to safeguard any happy memories for the boys. They are put away for when the boys are older. As miserable as she might be, I want them to know she loved them.

ETA: she's about the same as the BM in your situation, choosing drugs and an abusive bf over her children

paris.inthe.spring · January 2011

J&A2008:
DH has no pics of BM, but I have copied and saved some of her and the boys that she had on her myspace page. Her life is a mess, and I wouldn't trust her to safeguard any happy memories for the boys. They are put away for when the boys are older. As miserable as she might be, I want them to know she loved them.

J&A, I was so hoping you would chime in here. OP, this is a poster who knows what you are going through. Take time to listen to her. She went out of her way to make sure that her SS's had photos of them with their mom, because it IS important.

knmommy · January 2011

You need to keep the picutres because she is the childs BM. I won't get into my backstory about spermdonor. (lets just say he almost killed DS as a baby) I have pictures to save for him when he gets to be an adult. I've already given him pictures I've had of his cousins. As much as he makes me cringe and that whole family makes me cringe, I love DS, and I will be the bigger person. (Nathan is not allowed to speak of us at all when he is with him)

J&A2008 · January 2011

paris.inthe.spring:

J&A2008:
DH has no pics of BM, but I have copied and saved some of her and the boys that she had on her myspace page. Her life is a mess, and I wouldn't trust her to safeguard any happy memories for the boys. They are put away for when the boys are older. As miserable as she might be, I want them to know she loved them.

J&A, I was so hoping you would chime in here. OP, this is a poster who knows what you are going through. Take time to listen to her. She went out of her way to make sure that her SS's had photos of them with their mom, because it IS important.

Thanks. Smile

Bottom line, it's about the kids' feelings, not yours or DH's. I'm going to assume that your DH, as a dad, knew this pic would be important to her someday, and he's not keeping it to relive any memories of BM. Sorry your feelings were hurt, but grow up, think of your SD, and learn the basics of being a mom: kids first.

Also, I like the point the previous poster made: it's also a pic of DH and his daughter on the day she was born! Of course it's a keeper, BM or no BM.

mommydale · January 2011

What would I do?

Well for starters, I would stop getting so bent out of shape over a 3 year old picture of your newborn SD and her parents. It makes you seem incredibly insecure. I find pictures of SS's mom all the time, I set them aside in either a box for him or I give them to her when she decides to show up for her visitation. Regardless of the fact that she is a horrible mother, that is still your SD's flash and blood, and you have absolutely no right whatsoever to take that picture from her.

DD's dad is a real piece of work. He made the decision to walk out of our lives and not look back, he's made no effort in 3.5 years to really be a father to her. He pops in and out when he feels like it and asked in October of this past year to give up his rights to her. Regardless of this fact, DH and I have not thrown out pictures of that period of our life because that is a decision for her to make when she is old enough. At least in the case of your BM their is a problem that can be helped should she ever make that decision to be helped, in our scenario there is no help for BF.

Regardless of how you feel, it is a part of their past and that is something that she needs to decide how she (SD) feels about when she is much older.

jaminjeff · January 2011

Plain and simple she is their BM. The BM in my situation is evil to me, downright nasty and you know what I do? I took those pictures I found of her and DH and DSS and I made a scrap book for DSS for when he's older. I also buy her Christmas presents and wrap them for DSS to give to her. All because no matter what, she's still is BM at the end of the day.

mommabarker09 · January 2011

I can totally understand why he still has them. My parents divorced when I was young and my mom moved away with us, but she kept pictures of us as a "family" and I'm glad she did. When I was younger, it made me happy to know that I was loved by both of my parents when they were together no matter what happened between them. It never made me wish they were back together or anything, but I was glad to have them.

mrstarawalsh · January 2011

Why would you be mad? Did you not think there would be pictures of the 3 of them as a "family"? SD's BM is a complete deadbeat as well, made DH's life hell, etc but I have two pictures of the three of them HUNG in plain view in my home. They were once a family, they were once happy together. There's nothing wrong with that. As a child of divorced parents I would love to have a "family photo". I have one. Its one of my most valuable posessions. It shows I came from love, even if there is no love now. No child wants to feel as though they were spawned by hate. Keep it for your SD. Don't get mad at what used to be.

NikkiJ19 · January 2011

OPer this is some great advise you are getting here and I hope you take it.

I have a box in the basement will all the items I think the SKs will want when they get older. I do it for them and I think they will appreciate it. If my Dh wasn't with the BMs I wouldn't have my wonderful SKs so I am thankful for them for that reason alone.

My parents divorced when I was a toddler and my mom kept all there wedding photos, my baby photos, and our family photos. I love them! I am so glad she kept them for me. It lets me see the people they were that I never got to know (them together).

My H was adopted by a family member and had only a couple photos from his childhood. When his birth father passed away last year some how the pictures of my H as a baby surfaced when putting together stuff for the funeral. It was the first pictures he has seen of his childhood (before school age) and his birth parents together. They mean the world to him.

Please protect your SD from her mother while she is a danger (which may be forever) but remember that is her mother and your anger could be hurting your SD too. It is hard to be the bigger person and put on your big girl panties but your family will be much better off when you do.

jpowell3 · January 2011

fellesferie:

Yes, she's done X, Y, and Z horrible things. But none of that erases the fact that she's the girl's mother. It's not really up to either you or your H to take away a picture that might mean a great deal to her in the future.

Maybe as she grows up, she'll feel abandoned by her biological mom, and it will mean something to her to know that on that day, her mom was there and she loved her.

Just put it in a box, put your SD's name on it, and put it up in your attic. It's nothing to you, but it may mean something to her.

I would be incredibly hurt and angry at ANYONE who took it upon themselves to dispose of pictures of me and either one of my parents.

This. I have NO pictures of me before the age of 4. That is when I came into my adopted familes life. Growing up I never wanted to meet my bio-mom. I knew the state took my sister & I away from her and I found out that several years later she had another daughter who was also taken away. But it wasn't until I was pregnant that I started to wonder what traits I might pass on. All I know is a physical description of her. While you can't predict what the future might hold you have to realize that no matter how good of a smom you are....someday sd will want to know more about her mom. And she will be so grateful if you were to keep just a few momentos of whatever you have. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it. You are making this a bigger issue than it needs to be.

CocoBrynne · January 2011

Thanks to all who posted with constructive advice. I know it is just a picture, and it SHOULDN'T bother me, but it's hard not to get bent out of shape given all she has done. What I listed is really just a fraction of her antics. I am hoping that over time our anger towards her will dissipate, the majority of the drama with her has only just occurred over the past yr beginning last spring so it is still very fresh.

hterry85 · January 2011

Honestly, the fact that BM has so little to do with SD is all the MORE reason to save those pictures. Like PPs said, you don't know what the future will hold. BM could be clean in 6 months or 6 years, but maybe not. Maybe never. And if that's the case, SD will never know her mom like she is in those pictures. While I can't imagine how it will hurt her to never have a real relationship with her (bio) mom, I would think that someday those pictures could give her just a tiny bit of comfort.

And FWIW, BM is a part of SS life (she has primary care) and DH still has pictures of the two of them stashed away for SS. Like your house, they're stashed away in a drawer, but even when I come across them, it doesn't bother me.

CocoBrynne · January 2011

I mentioned it to DH and it was like I thought too and he didn't realize they even were here. He doesn't want them so he is giving them to BM's mother to do with as she pleases. We have hundreds of pics of SD from baby age so we decided we can show her those and BM's family can deal with the history on her BM's side. They weren't together that long and it was very up and down so her family is better equipped to tell her about her BM.

FutureMrsDrew73110 · January 2011

There is an entire bin of photos of DH and BM in my front hall closet. Their engagement photos are in there, birthday cards that she gave him,(a ton of stuff from before the kids were born) etc. There is also an entire basket of picture CD's of the 2 years they were together after the oldest 2 were born. It used to bother me when we first moved in together but now it doesn't really bother me. He is married to me, not her. Me, DH, BM and her husband are now a family with the 3 kids. When we clean out the closets this spring, the pictures of just him and BM will be leaving the house, but any picture that has one of the 3 kids in it will stay because no matter what I do or say the 7 of us are a family now.

sabrina69barnes · January 2011

I was adopted and knew nothing about my biological mother until I was 17. If someone I knew had had a picture of my mother when I was growing up but had thrown it away I would be beyond pissed. IMO photos of BM aren't yours so I don't think you should get to decide if they are gotten rid of or not even if DH has left it up to you. They should get saved for SD.

I also agree with OP that you seem very insecure. Since I've lived with DH I've found tons of pictures of BM including wedding and professional family photos. She left them here when she moved out. Her and DH used to be married, have two children together, and used to be a family. Of course there are pictures of their lives together. Their existance has nothing to do with my relationship with DH. I don't like looking at them but keeping them in my house doesn't at all bother me. They are part of SS and SD's history and belong to them. Everything I've found has gone in a box in the basement for them when they are older.

jpowell3 · January 2011

CocoBrynne:
They weren't together that long and it was very up and down so her family is better equipped to tell her about her BM.

Instead of taking the easy way out her father should be prepared to tell her about her mother.

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