Losing our son at 22 weeks....just my thoughts

UsafWifey09 · January 2011

We were so excited! After trying for 2 years, we are finaly pregnant! It was a very different pregnancy than my daughters, I was in bed in the beginning with morning sickness and couldn't even hold water down.I had a few complications such as a UTI and yest infection shortly before the loss. 6 days after taking diflucan single dose 150mg , I had to rush thte hospital because I was having labor pain. When I got to the hospital they discovered my water bag was bulging out of my dialating cervix, in shock, I cried as they rushed me to a hospital that would be better able to handle my situation since I live overseas (husband is military). I was put on bed rest and given an IV drip of antibiotcs and something to slow down my labor. They told me I may lose him, but his moves and kicks in my stomach kept me optimistic. I layed in bed for 2 days, with my pains never going away all the way. I started to go into complete labor again and within 3 hours I was complete and ready to push. I was terrified and feeling so sad because I knew he would not make it he was 4 days shy of being 23 weeks and being able to get steroid shots to give him atleast a litte chance. I was devistated. I pushed him out easily and saw a live perfect completely formed baby that they quickly rushed away. I stopped getting contractions and my placenta was not coming out so I was rushed to surgery to get it removed ASAP. I almost needed a blood tranfusion. It was a quick surgery and they rolled my bed back into my room where my husband and 4 year old daughter were waiting. Shortly after, the doctor came in and confirmed what we all expected. Our little boy had not survived. A nurse took my daughter out of the room and brought the baby in so we could see him. His tiny and perfectly formed body brought us to tears. He had my lips, my nose and my hubands eyes. He had dark hair like mine that you could see was starting to grow on his little head. He had nails on every finger and toe. He was perfect and beautiful. It's been so dificult for us to try and understand why this happened, why us? Why did it happen to a perfectly healthy baby, an innocent child. We wanted him so bad, his room was already all set up. Now I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to tell them what happened, I don't want to hear a million i'm sorry's and I don't want to be told that our next baby will survive. No one knows how we feel unless they have gone through it. It makes me angry and we are just a complete wreck. What will I tell my daughter when she asks me again "Mommy, theres a baby in there"? How do 4 year olds understand these kinds of things? I am hoping things will get easier for us. I can understand what its like to have a loss like this. I had to give birth as if I was giving birth to a full term baby. I don't know anyone in my situation and I think it will just upset me to talk to someone who hasnt gone through what I have and will never understand unless they go through it. Please share your story, it may help you, me or both of us find some kind of closure and accepting and moving on.

lauren.cus · January 2011

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Words are never enough, but I am so truly sorry. I hope that writing your story has been in some way healing for you. I know writing out my story (https://laurenrodgers.net/?p=167) was incredibly healing for me. I cannot imagine what it is like to lose your child at 22 weeks as I was only 12 and a half weeks along, but I do know what it is like to see your child that should still be in your belly kicking around. It's the worst torment I've ever been through. As cliche as it is, time is the only healer. I am in no way past my pain, but I'm in a completely different place this week than I was three weeks ago. I hope the same goes for you. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You're a brave and strong woman.

I completely understand what you mean not wanting to talk to anyone who hasn't experienced this. Sharing my story with people who haven't experienced it first hand has been really helpful for me when I feel this way. I've found after they read my story and really understand the pain that we've all gone through, they're able to empathize. I was really hesitant about going and talking to our pastor for counseling after our loss because I thought he just wouldn't understand, but even though he'd never experienced the pain of a miscarriage he had experienced pain and was able to really understand what I was going through. He was able to offer a lot of insight into how he's dealt with pain and loss in the past and it's been so incredibly helpful in my healing. I hope you can find the same, but until you feel comfortable talking to people who have not experienced this, we are here for you night and day:)

-L

pnkfaerie · January 2011

I'm so sorry for your loss. I too lost my son at 22 weeks. After tons of medication and being on a bed upside down to keep pressure of my cervix I needed to be rushed to the hospital just for them to tell me that he wasn't developed enough for steroid shots. He passed within a half an hour of being born. And what you were saying about his kicks...I remember the kicks, he was kicking the monitor. He seemed so lively, I could swear he'd make it on his own. My poor baby had a tumor in his chest wouldn't have made it, even if he had the shots but I would have had them try. If you ever want to talk, send me a message.

I've been reading a book called empty cradle, broken heart and with that book and the support i've found on the forums I've been coping better. I've also been writing, drawing and taught myself to crochet, just to occupy a little time here and there.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

ciclon01 · January 2011

I too lost my son at 22 weeks. So I absolutely know how you feel. My membranes were not bulging but they were "funneling" into the opening of my cervix and my cervix was open. I don't know why my water broke or why my cervix was dilating and I don't think we will ever have answers. When I was reading your story and you said they took him away after you delivered him I was worried you might not have had a chance to see him. I am so glad that you did get to see him. Every moment you can spend with your child and creating a memory helps the grieving process. My husband and I arranged a beautiful funeral service for our son and that brought us a lot of comfort as well. My husband started a page for Mateo (our son) on Shutterfly and we post journal entries to keep our family and friends aware of how we are feeling and how they can support us. One of the things I have learned is that I prefer to tell the people I am close to what I need from them because people just do not know. One of my friends sent me a short book called "When Hello Means Goodbye." You can find it at https://www.griefwatch.com/ (They also have books like "An Angel in the Sky" that can help you talk to your daughter.) This book really helped me, especially when I started feeling like I was loosing my mind. It is short enough to really get right to the good stuff. My support group also recommended a book called "Empty Cradle Broken Heart." I am still reading this one but have found it helpful as well. Feel free to email me at monicanieves01@yahoo.com anytime. I just got out of the army and I know how hard it can be to be away from familiar people and places especially when you are grieving. I love to talk about my son, it is very healing and reaffirming to me, it is a way for us as mothers to keep our children's memories alive. In preparing for Mateo's funeral I came across many poems that were very helpful to me in identifying how I feel. I can give you a ton of info I have gathered. Like you said maybe some of the things that are helping me may bring you some comfort as well. One poem I felt expressed my anger towards people saying the wrong things was called Don't Tell Me. I will leave you with this poem and hope to hear more from you.

Please don't tell me you know how I feel, Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal, Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see, Dont tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot, Dont tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had, Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before, What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

Fallon621 · January 2011

I did not have a late loss but wanted to tell you how incredibly sorry that I am for your loss. I know that does not bring comfort but there are no words that will. Your story brought tears to my eyes and if even for a moment I can feel your pain. I do not pray but I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and if you ever just want to vent you can PM me on here or just vent on the board. I hope you find some kind of comfort here as I have! We are here for you when you feel like no one else understands because WE DO.

And you may not be ready yet to tell people but you might find it easier to tell people who knew about you being pregnant because you will soon be getting comments like hows the baby and things like that. Just my opinion. I know I had to tell people because I did not want to have to answer their question because obviously my baby didn't survive. ((((HUGE HUGS))))

LDW80 · January 2011

I too did not have a late loss (I was 13 weeks) but I understand what it is like to have the one thing you wanted the most taken away from you. I am so sorry. Like the pp have said words can't take the pain away. Nothing will. Time will help and talking to people who have been through it too. That is the only people I surround myself around right now because others who haven't been through it don't understand and just end up saying something hurtful even though they don't intend too. Take time to grieve, cry, scream and vent. Bottling it up inside and not talking to anyone will make it so much harde on yourselfr. Talking about my baby has helped me the most through this situation. Please take care of yourself and if you ever need anything you can PM me and I am here to listen.

fireflies0306 · January 2011

We learned about our son at 21 1/2 weeks--he had died at 21w 1 d, best to our estimation and last time i felt the kicks. so i have been where you are, and i am so sorry for you and your family!

its been a long 2 months (well, we are around 9 weeks since), and i can relate most to having two DD's at home--that were there when we didn't find the h/b and saw him still on the u/s. my oldest is 7, and my youngest was 4 1/2 (she'll be 5 next month). we just found my oldest's diary today that gave us insight into how she is coping...she is sad, she wanted a baby brother, and her sister is only a little sad. but she really wants a brother. and it all started at the dr's office-which tells us she does remember that part of the day. but my youngest, she comprehended very quickly that the baby was sick, and died and went to heaven. and for her, that is just fine. she knows we are sad, and she was a little, too, but the deeper expressions of emotions we aren't going to see from her. we see them from my oldest. we were given several books to read to the girls after we learned about our LO. i found them very helpful, and they explained to my DD's what happened better than my DH (their stepdad) or i could have.

"We were gonna have a baby, but we had an angel instead" by Pat Schwiebert

"Something happened" by Cathy Blanford

"Waterbugs and Dragonflies" by Doris Stickney

I hope maybe some of these books will help you explain to your child what happened. And I hope you and your DH support each other in this terrible time.

my blog link is on the bottom of my siggy--if you choose to read it, it includes my story, and other posts about how i've been making it through, day by day.

{{{hugs}} to you!

UsafWifey09 · January 2011

I just wanted to thank everyone who responded to my story. It has been a very hard weekend for us. I know we are not the first or last to go through this, but all the brave women sharing their story has helped me realize there is hope after loss. I know it's hard re telling a story that you wish had never happened and that hurt so much. I am sorry for anyone having to go through all the pain that we have, because it's the hardest thing I have ever done. Broken Heart

Temp774929562501329 · January 2011

I'm so sorry for your loss. I bought this book (https://www.amazon.com/My-Little-Angel-Jennifer-Fujita/dp/1595302263) a few weeks after I lost my Ella to put away for future children. Its a very cute story that may help her understand that her brother is an angel.

My story- I lost my Ella at 39 weeks pg. We still don't know why. I had felt decreased fetal movement and went to be checked and was told there was no hb. I was induced and delivered my perfect angel 2 days later.

I will tell you the first few months are HORRIBLE. I went on antidepressants and they are part of the reason i survived. I am now off them but if i wasn't TTC, I would still be on them. It will get easier, I promise. But for now, just cry, scream, yell and get out your frustration as you need too.

::hugs::

npilcher506 · January 2011

I did not have a late loss but I wanted to say how truly sorry I am for your loss.

Manderlin923 · January 2011

(DS ticker/pics below)

I did not have late losses (7 weeks, 13-ish weeks) but my heart truly goes out to you and your family. I understand how hard it is to talk to your child about it, although my DS is not even 2. It was hard to tell him "baby is gone. baby went bye-bye" because he was kissing my belly and everything before the loss . I think the best thing is to be honest about it.

It's okay to be sad and angry and not want to talk to people. I struggle with it everyday. I hope you're able to find some peace and maybe something that can help you heal or remember your beautiful son. I have a necklace I made with charms for my lost babies (and my son). Just having it makes me feel a little better.

My stories (briefly)- my 1st pregnancy was a natural miscarriage at 7 weeks. I was blessed with my DS not long after. When we found out I was expecting (surprise) this past October, we were thrilled. I was devestated to learn we'd had a missed m/c at 12 weeks while the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks. I began miscarrying over Christmas and ended up passing everything naturally in an ER visit on the 29th. It was worse than giving birth so I understand what you mean by that. I'm so sorry again for what you went through and hope you stick around this board as long as you need to- it really does help to hear that you're not alone!

SweetBaby2004 · January 2011

I am so sorry for your loss.

We said goodbye to our sleeping son last week Thursday at almost 22 weeks (we were a day short of 22 weeks). We have three amazing children and we have had two miscarriages and this pain we are going through now is so intense (we called him our miracle baby). Our DD#1 and DS understand what happened and know that our baby died inside mommy.

I had to go through labor and delivery and it was my hardest delivery by far; I had to push for over an hour and it was so sad because I knew that he was not alive.

Our son died of a cord accident and it was wrapped around him very tightly.

Like you, I don't know anyone in real life who has gone through this. I do have to suffer with 4 friends who are due around the time our son should have been born. I don't know how I am going to get through that.

I have had well-meaning friends try to say the right thing but it is hard when they have never had a pregnancy loss of any kind; you feel like they just don't understand.

Please know you are not alone.

UsafWifey09 · January 2011

I am very sorry for your loss. I hate the fact that we both know what this feels like, because we shouldn't. I too have what it seems like every friend due around the time I was due. I don't know how I will get through that either. It's very hard to feel any type of joy for me, let alone anyone.

Thank you for sharing your story. I know it's hard to repeat what happened, but I think this board has helped me.

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