What would you do? I lied to a friend

SocialPapillon · January 2011

I have a friend who knows that I suffered infertility for a long time. She's aware that I recently had an IVF cycle and she's constantly calling me to ask how it went. I've been avoiding her calls. For my previous 4 failed IVF cycles, I did not make it a habit to call my friends to let them know the results. But when we happen to get together, its an obvious conversation that my cycle didn't work.

This time with my succesful cycle, I am superstitious and cautiously optimisitic. I don't want to announce that I am pregnant till I am in second trimester. She sent a text today that said "So how did it go...don't mean to be nosy but I am excited for you guys."

I was annoyed with the question but I answered politely "Still undergoing treatment and I am being cautiously optimistic". I am still under my reproductive medical Dr's care so was it a lie to tell her that I am still undergoing treatment? And should I feel guilty for not telling her the whole truth?

-SocialPapillon

cbm3228 · January 2011

Umm, no. I don't get why you would feel guilty at all. It's your business not hers.

MandiNewMommy · January 2011

I dont think you should feel guilty at all. You do what you need to do and I am sure she will understand in the long run.

Amrice78 · January 2011

It's not a lie, but I don't get the annoyance when you have shared that you are going through IVF. I think it's natural for her to ask questions, try not to be too hard on her.

alicia023 · January 2011

I had told one of my friends that we were TTC about 4-5 months ago and she keeps asking me every month if I have seen two pink lines lately and I flat out lied to her last week. I hated to but I don't want anyone to know yet. They only people we have told is my mom and dad and she has a big mouth about stuff like this. I really hate to lie but I'm just not ready, and when she has kids I'm sure she will understand too.

MrsMiller1002 · January 2011

One thing I go by is, I only told the people I would feel comfortable telling if something were to go wrong.

Of course you don't want too much support if that were to happen but also, you'll want some support.

If you don't feel comfortable telling people yet then by all means keep it yourselves until its the right time!

soon2Bkranz · January 2011

Thats why I didnt share with people that I was in cycle....I would just keep with what you are saying now and maybe plan on just sharing with her in a few weeks. I know its scary...I totally understand....

angiek1 · January 2011

I would lie as well. It took us 8 months to conceive and I know that is the average length of time, but after month 2 I told my friends to stop asking b/c if I didn't have news to report I didn't want to talk about it. Maybe tell her that you need a break from the TTC convo. Tell her you appreciate the support, but ask her not to bring it up for a while.

Treasa · January 2011

I wouldn't change a thing! You did exactly as you should! As someone else says it is your business! Honestly I think friend is a little nosy & intrusive!

ShawMich · January 2011

There's no reason to feel guilty about wanting to wait to announce your pregnancy. But, it is nice that your friend is so excited for you.

SocialPapillon · January 2011

Thanks everyone! We have mutual friends and we all get together a few times a year. None of them ever questioned me about our attempts to concieve. They typically are respectful enough to wait for me to bring it up. I just find it kind of weird that this one friend thinks that all of a sudden, its ok to ask me how things went now.

Our "system" worked fine for me before...what changed? Maybe she feels that she wants to be more of a supportive friend by calling me for updates. I was totally satisfied with her level of support before. *sigh*...I don't know. I appreiciate that she cares though.

Anyway...my text response worked. She wished me good luck and hopefully she won't ask again till I make my announcement.

Jason'swife · January 2011

Amrice78:
It's not a lie, but I don't get the annoyance when you have shared that you are going through IVF. I think it's natural for her to ask questions, try not to be too hard on her.

This. If you don't want to answer questions about it, you shouldn't have told your friends to begin with. Not trying to be harsh, but that's just common sense.

MrsGo4Hockeychick · January 2011

you could always do the "when we have news you'll know", but in all honesty if you've been completely open about the cycles that failed...she's going to figure it out pretty quickly that you're reacting differently post IVF. And it doesn't take a genius to put 2 and 2 together.

denmanam · January 2011

It's totally up to you as to when to tell your friends. I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty about not telling your friend yet. Yes, it's nice of her to ask how things are going, but that doesn't obligate you to tell her everything. My co-workers kept saying I was pregnant. They wanted me to POAS at work so they could find out. When I did get my BFP I lied to them and told them I'd actually gotten my period but a few days late. We haven't told our family yet, and I definitely don't want to tell my co-workers before my family.

SocialPapillon · January 2011

Jason'swife:

Amrice78:
It's not a lie, but I don't get the annoyance when you have shared that you are going through IVF. I think it's natural for her to ask questions, try not to be too hard on her.

This. If you don't want to answer questions about it, you shouldn't have told your friends to begin with. Not trying to be harsh, but that's just common sense.

I actually disagree. Just because friends know you are trying to conceive doesn't mean that its ok to call for updates. Not even my parents call me for updates. It is a tad bit too intrusive. As I mentioned before, our mutual friends typically do not call for updates. They wait for me to open up to them when I'm ready. Our system was never to call each other as soon as we get Aunt Flow.

Like I said, I know she cares but I prefer she wait for me to open up rather than her initiating that conversation. That is how we've done it before. I just wondered what changed this time.

Amrice78 · January 2011

SocialPapillon:
Jason'swife:

Amrice78:
It's not a lie, but I don't get the annoyance when you have shared that you are going through IVF. I think it's natural for her to ask questions, try not to be too hard on her.

This. If you don't want to answer questions about it, you shouldn't have told your friends to begin with. Not trying to be harsh, but that's just common sense.

I actually disagree. Just because friends know you are trying to conceive doesn't mean that its ok to call for updates. Not even my parents call me for updates. It is a tad bit too intrusive. As I mentioned before, our mutual friends typically do not call for updates. They wait for me to open up to them when I'm ready. Our system was never to call each other as soon as we get Aunt Flow.

Like I said, I know she cares but I prefer she wait for me to open up rather than her initiating that conversation. That is how we've done it before. I just wondered what changed this time.

then you should just say this to her and I'm not saying she has the right to know, I'm saying it's weird to be annoyed that she asked

ryry1977 · January 2011

I would lie. They will still be excited once you do tell!

HeidiP14 · January 2011

You should not feel guilty at all. It is perfectly normal to stretch the truth to keep the baby a secret through the 1st trimester. We are not telling people until then so I'm filling empty beer bottles with water when friends are over and pretending to be trying still so people aren't asking questions. Share the news when you are comfortable.

fightingravity · January 2011

Seems totally reasonable to me. I've been using the old "no news yet!" response. It gets people to stop without technically lying, which makes me feel better.

megd06 · January 2011

Jason'swife:

Amrice78:
It's not a lie, but I don't get the annoyance when you have shared that you are going through IVF. I think it's natural for her to ask questions, try not to be too hard on her.

This. If you don't want to answer questions about it, you shouldn't have told your friends to begin with. Not trying to be harsh, but that's just common sense.

agreed. You made it an "okay" topic (IMO) as soon as you told her you were trying IVF. I told a few girlfriends when H and I started TTC back in June, and one of them would ask me every few weeks if we had any "news" yet--it wasn't annoying, it was just a friend keeping tabs on a subject that I had informed her of in the first place.

Kery1499 · January 2011

MandiNewMommy:
I dont think you should feel guilty at all. You do what you need to do and I am sure she will understand in the long run.

this exactly

NeonEyeliner77 · January 2011

I would be annoyed too. Even if you shared with her about your IVF it doesn't mean she should keep pressing the subject. I would never ask a friend about something like that, I'd wait until she told me, and I would expect my friends to do the same. When you decide to tell people is when people should know. Period.

jennyjeans · January 2011

Don't feel bad at all. It's understandable that your friend is just really excited for you, so just continue to tell her it's a work in progress until you feel like you're ready to share the news with her. If she's a good friend, and she sounds like it, she'll understand!

Good luck to you!

heylee · January 2011

I wouldn't feel guilty, you didn't tell some horrible lie. You are just putting off your news until you are further along, nothing wrong with that.

SocialPapillon · January 2011

Thanks for the great posts everyone!

For those who think I should not be annoyed by my friend's inquiries, please keep in mind that a person who suffers from infertility (IF) does not get excited when someone questions them if they were successful. Every time that question is asked, it is the equivalent of being stabbed over and over and over again. IF is PAINFUL! And even after my first successful IVF treatment, I am SCARED every single day! What seems like a fun topic for most people who have no trouble getting pregnant, is a very delicate subject for those who have suffered infertility.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, keep this in mind when you ask someone who suffers IF, if their attempts to conceive was successful. It is a very very very painful topic for some women. You need to tread lightly!

Again, I appreciate that she cares but if this was a cycle that failed, her inquiry would have been another stab to the heart. Please let 'infertiles' talk about their conception attempts on their terms. It's an emotionally, financially and physically hard thing to deal with and I would never wish this on my worst enemy.

-SocialPapillon

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