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NICU and Your Marriage...

caitdanacaitdana member
in Preemies

This is hard on my marriage. DH and I deal with things completely different. I need to talk cry talk cry and then talk and cry some more. DH bottles it all up. Please tell me I am not the only one. I see other families in the NICU and they dont look like they just had it out on the car ride there like we did.

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Re: NICU and Your Marriage...

  • DenesdiaDenesdia member
    You are not alone.  Our NICU time and raising preemies beyond have been very hard.  I think marriage and parenting would be hard, anyway, but we add on lots of baggage.  I am still dealing with feeling like a failure as a mother, feeling like my body failed, and feeling inadequate.  My DH has tried to give me all that I need, but we are truly speaking a different language.  Keep the talking going, don't shut him out (out of frustration).  We had other preemie families to give us some mentoring that was helpful.  Those blow-outs in the car rides to and from the NICU will all be a memory some day...trust me.  :)
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  • agdudley08agdudley08
    The NICU experience wasn't as difficult on our marriage as bringing her home & suddenly not having the support of the NICU staff. My husband & I deal with things completely differently too. Luckily I got to the point that I would just tell him I that he needed to talk & cry or something. We had our fair share of fights too. We are still dealing with our experience 8 months later. I would recommend checking in to some therapy when you have the time just to get it all out there in the open with a professional to help guide your feelings. You'll get through it!
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  • At1stsightAt1stsight
    Oh we definitely had it out, once in the NICU and a few times at home, while he was in the NICU. And then there were plenty of things we've had issues with once he came home: some of it is normal adjustment to parenthood (becoming parents the first time is hard on most everyone), some was specific to his prematurity, and some was the added stress of the NICU on top of the normal new parent issues. Hang in there.
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  • ThreeMooreThreeMoore
    My husband and I argued at home, in the car, at the hospital and in the NICU.. I mean if there was something to argue about we could find it. We didn't argue a lot, becuase I generally kept my unhappy comments and feelings to myself to avoid breaking down. I would get angry because it didn't seem like he was all that interested in going to see our baby or becuase he didn't speak at all while we would visit her, or because he'd fall asleep every single time we went in. It was starining... Especially when I started going up evry 3 hours for feedings, my husband kept asking me to give up the midnight and 3am feeds, saying it was taking a tole on the family. And it was... it was hard on my other two kiddos, but honest, it was hardest on me since I was the one doing it. My husband bottles things up and lets them out in angry words- its' annoying. I like to cry or vent like a lot of us. It's been better since we've gotten home... except for a few things that I try to bite my tongue over!
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  • lemen99lemen99 member

    imageagdudley08:
    The NICU experience wasn't as difficult on our marriage as bringing her home & suddenly not having the support of the NICU staff. My husband & I deal with things completely differently too.

    This!!

    T&P. Keep talking, and seek help if you need it.  Hopefully this  will be the most difficult thing you ever go through. HUGS!

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  • caitdanacaitdana member

    imageThreeMoore:
    My husband and I argued at home, in the car, at the hospital and in the NICU.. I mean if there was something to argue about we could find it. We didn't argue a lot, becuase I generally kept my unhappy comments and feelings to myself to avoid breaking down. I would get angry because it didn't seem like he was all that interested in going to see our baby or becuase he didn't speak at all while we would visit her, or because he'd fall asleep every single time we went in. It was starining... Especially when I started going up evry 3 hours for feedings, my husband kept asking me to give up the midnight and 3am feeds, saying it was taking a tole on the family. And it was... it was hard on my other two kiddos, but honest, it was hardest on me since I was the one doing it. My husband bottles things up and lets them out in angry words- its' annoying. I like to cry or vent like a lot of us. It's been better since we've gotten home... except for a few things that I try to bite my tongue over!

    This is us exactly! Right down to the falling asleep at the NICU. I am not sure if it is the oxygen and warmness along with the dim lights, but it never fails. Then I am adamat about going during care times so that DH does not fall asleep and can interact with the girls. He will be late to his own funeral. So we always fight because he makes us late for the 8 pm feeding just about everyday. Then he tells me I go up to often as well. Grrrrrr. I love him and we will get through this but it just is a sucky rut.

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  • caitdanacaitdana member

    imageThreeMoore:
    My husband and I argued at home, in the car, at the hospital and in the NICU.. I mean if there was something to argue about we could find it. We didn't argue a lot, becuase I generally kept my unhappy comments and feelings to myself to avoid breaking down. I would get angry because it didn't seem like he was all that interested in going to see our baby or becuase he didn't speak at all while we would visit her, or because he'd fall asleep every single time we went in. It was starining... Especially when I started going up evry 3 hours for feedings, my husband kept asking me to give up the midnight and 3am feeds, saying it was taking a tole on the family. And it was... it was hard on my other two kiddos, but honest, it was hardest on me since I was the one doing it. My husband bottles things up and lets them out in angry words- its' annoying. I like to cry or vent like a lot of us. It's been better since we've gotten home... except for a few things that I try to bite my tongue over!

    This is us exactly! Right down to the falling asleep at the NICU. I am not sure if it is the oxygen and warmness along with the dim lights, but it never fails. Then I am adamat about going during care times so that DH does not fall asleep and can interact with the girls. He will be late to his own funeral. So we always fight because he makes us late for the 8 pm feeding just about everyday. Then he tells me I go up to often as well. Grrrrrr. I love him and we will get through this but it just is a sucky rut.

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  • TheGoose34TheGoose34 member

    It feels like I could've written this post!  DS was born 10 weeks early and has been in NICU 5 1/2 weeks.  I like to talk about things, get it out, cry; it makes me feel better.  DH bottles up everything and says "someone has to be the strong one and keep everything together."  He too seems less interested in being there than I am.  I always say I miss him and DH says he does too but sometimes I think he says it just because he thinks I "expect" him to say it.  We fight in the car all the time too!  But I know a lot of it is because at the NICU it seems like it's all about mom, plus you're being watched like a hawk by the staff, plus he has to go after work to see Little G Man and gets home late after a long day. 

    You're not alone, apparently it's quite normal based on everyone elses responses.

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  • Kate621Kate621 member
    You aren't alone. My DH and I were 7 hours away while my ds was in the NICU. Luckily his work allowed him to take leave and come visit often but it was the hardest thing we've ever done. We're still learning to live together again and we've been home for 7 weeks. Try not to be too hard on yourself and seek counseling if you need it. It is better to deal with things as they come rather than wait until you explode and can't take it anymore.
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  • GatorNurseGatorNurse
    Wow, you spoke right to something that's been weighing on my heart this week. DH & I are struggling, figuring out how to find a place in our "new" life, not only as parents, but also as NICU parents. We are snappy and short with each other - and that's just when we are actually speaking. He is exhausted, working & going to the NICU every single night is wearing him down. He falls asleep in the NICU, holding her, or spends that time reading the news or FB on his cellphone. In my head, I'm thinking, we have been through hell & back for this child and you want to read the freaking NEWS while you hold her?! He should be savoring every second of it, because we only get a limited time per day with her. We're exhausted and at each others throats and we've got at least another month left in the NICU... *sigh*
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  • SushiNoMoreSushiNoMore

    We're still working on it almost a year later.  We've had some other issues come up post-NICU that have made things extra hard.  My son was born 5 hours away from home, so we lived in a hotel for 10 weeks.  That sucked, and we were short with each other about everything.  And we'd argue about everything.

    I do have one piece of advice:  Take 2 cars to the NICU if you can.  That way, you can get there at whatever time you need to be there (for feeding or whatever), and you aren't waiting on him.  And, you can leave when you want to leave.  Plus, I think that alone time in the car really helps to decompress.

    Good luck!  Hang in there.  It gets better.  I promise.

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