Lost a friend over IF? longish

JMay · January 2011

Hi all - I don't post here very often, and I've been on a mini-break, but this subject is driving me nuts & I figured this was the place to post. Also, I seem to remember similar issues posted before (though I can't find related posts now..)

Have any of you lost a friend over IF? As in, she got KU and then dropped you like a hot potato?

I had a TTC buddy IRL and we really supported each other a ton. We both have DDs the same age, who are/were friends, and we both had/have issues with SIF - both TTC 2+ years. Last year, I moved 1000 miles away. It's a short term move, so I saw no reason why our friendship couldn't continue, then pick up where it left off when I return. She said she agreed. Six months ago, my friend let me know that her latest IF treatments were successful and she was pregnant. 4 months along. She waited 4 months to tell me.

I can understand her not knowing how to approach the subject, for fear of hurting my feelings. But I'm not an insane, "infertile white female" type and I've been very supportive of her pregnancy. But she tells me nothing. At all. And in the last month, she hasn't replied to a single email.

FWIW, I'm not on FB, which seems to be having a negative effect on many friendships, but this friend seems to have dropped off the planet. I believe I've been dumped, and I'm pretty sure it's a combo of my physical distance and the fact that I'm not pregnant.

I guess I'm just whining. I really cared for this friend and I'm so hurt to be cut out of her life during such a special time. And it hurts that my SIF is apparently going to dictate my friendships. I'm the girl people are afraid to talk to about kids and pregnancy - yet there is no reason. Being cut out hurts almost more than spending the whole day at a baby shower. Blah. Thanks for reading.

MTooms · January 2011

That stinks. But maybe she is just trying to spare your feelings, she understands IF and maybe she feels like in your place she wouldn't want to hear anything about other pregnancies?

Have you told her how you feel? I wouldn't totally give up on the friendship though...

blueberries8 · January 2011

I am so sorry. I think you are right that her being pregnant while you're still not makes her so uncomfortable that she just rather not deal with it, but in doing so, she is not being a true friend to you at all. I think it is worth bringing up the topic with her in conversation and seeing how she responds - not in an accusatory way, but just to say that you miss her friendship and wonder if the distance that seems to now exist between you is due more to her pregnancy than to the move itself. I hope she will surprise you and respond compassionately and change her behavior, but if not, I would drop HER like a hot potato (not the other way around).?

goodgollie · January 2011

blueberries8:
I am so sorry. I think you are right that her being pregnant while you're still not makes her so uncomfortable that she just rather not deal with it, but in doing so, she is not being a true friend to you at all. I think it is worth bringing up the topic with her in conversation and seeing how she responds - not in an accusatory way, but just to say that you miss her friendship and wonder if the distance that seems to now exist between you is due more to her pregnancy than to the move itself. I hope she will surprise you and respond compassionately and change her behavior, but if not, I would drop HER like a hot potato (not the other way around).

I agree. I would call her and ask her why she's stopped talking to you and let her know how happy you are for her. She probably does feel uncomfortable talking about baby stuff with you for fear of making you feel bad. Just let her know this is not the case and you miss her as a friend. I'm sure its all a misunderstanding.

katib77 · January 2011

there are several possibilities and/or combinations of what can be happening. If she is farther along now into her pregnancy she can be very busy and tired, that when she does have time - she's sleeping and getting ready for the baby. Not responding to emails.

Second, if you are not on FB it is an excellent way to stay in touch - - especially with long distance relationships. I moved alot for my career before moving back to my home town and I keep in touch with people I became friends with but have not seen personally in over five years on there. If you have some issue with it, I suggest you get over it. While it can be a little "show and tell" for adults, it's still a great resource for keeping in touch.

Third, maybe she doesn't want to hurt your feelings and does not know how/what to tell you even if she knows you are happy for her.

Give her a break, call her and tell her how you feel but also know that you may need to just wait to move back to really pick up.

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Lost a friend over IF? longish

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