Really DH??

lilbit923 · January 2011

When I was pregnant with Emma, DH was leaning towards me just trying to VBAC. I was scared to do this after having been scared into a c-section by my OB since "my uterus would rupture." So I thought due to the cancer and scarring I would only get to have my children through major surgery.

I had asked to VBAC and not only was I denied, my OB wouldn't look at me during her response and she walked out of the room as she gave it. This left me feeling guilty and stupid for even asking such a question, merely based on her response.

Now, that I have been able to look back at the events of my labor with Emma do I realize I had no real voice in my delivery. None. Once consent forms were signed, it was as if I am no longer asked what I wanted and it was more about what the OB decided to do.

I've had timeable contractions and have asked what my cervix length is at my u/s. Two weeks before Christmas my cervix was 6cm. I go back two weeks later, tell the OB's staff that I've been having contractions and when I get the next u/s (at the first measurement) I'm 4.8cms. I mention this to the tech and she quickly measures again and enters a length of 5.6cm. Convenient.

I ask the u/s tech if I have any uterine windows and what the thickness of my scar is? (This was readily available to me by the same staff during my pregnancy with Emma) My tech tells me "Well, the machines can't really detect that." Really? They could a year ago. Again, convenient.

I brought my articles from doulas, midwives, medical journals, etc supporting VBAC's and VBA2C's only to be shot down once again at my request. However, when I ask for a TOL I'm told that's fine just no pitocin. I ask about my herbs, teas and oils to ready my uterus and cervix for TOL and told it's ok to start those at 34 weeks since they don't think I will last till 36 weeks like I did with Emma.

DH tells me today that he thinks my OB is looking out for me and maybe I just didn't ask the questions correctly. HUH? How do you ask to have a VBAC incorrectly? I've been researching this and am pissed to learn the scare tactics and buzz phrases used to scare a laboring mother into a c-section were used on me.

I get that DH just wants baby and I safe. I can appreciate that. But I can tell you this, I am going to be seething mad if I stay with this OB, go into labor, go through a TOL, and conveniently learn there is some "emergency" directly relevant to the questions no one could anwer during my u/s that would lead us once again, to a c-section.

JimsBride08 · January 2011

I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation. Your OB and the ultrasound tech sound...ridiculous. I don't understand how you're allowed to have a TOL but not a VBAC? So you can go into labor, become fully dilated, and then get rushed to the OR? My DH was not understanding at first but then I enlightened him by reading him facts and stories I had already read that made up my mind for me. Once he discovered the truth and considered the stupidity that was my first delivery, he got on board. What kind of cancer did you have? Was there surgery/is that a consideration in the delivery mode? That could play a huge part in this, but your OB sounds shady to me.

SoxChamps · January 2011

Could you at least interview some other providers? It sounds like she is not only unsupportive, but also dismissive of your wants and needs. Big red flags to me.

lorryfach · January 2011

lilbit923:
DH tells me today that he thinks my OB is looking out for me and maybe I just didn't ask the questions correctly. HUH? How do you ask to have a VBAC incorrectly? I've been researching this and am pissed to learn the scare tactics and buzz phrases used to scare a laboring mother into a c-section were used on me.

Is your DH there when you're asking? I'm guessing not, and he didn't hear what you said, so he's taking a stab at what the issue would be. I know it sounds really stupid, but I also wouldn't be at all surprised if my DH would do the same exact thing. He always wants to find a solution, and he'll look for one even if it's not very likely or doesn't totally make sense. I know he's just making sure I've covered all the bases, but it's still really annoying and maybe even a bit insulting when he asks these questions sometimes! I do think someone can ask to have a VBAC in a poor manner. You could either be too timid (e.g. "is this the only way?" without even mentioning VBAC) or too confrontational (e.g. "I *will* VBAC, I don't care what you say"? perhaps true but would be off-putting). So maybe he's just envisioning something like that going on.

I hope you can find another provider. You need one you can trust.

lilbit923 · January 2011

JimsBride08:
I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation. Your OB and the ultrasound tech sound...ridiculous. I don't understand how you're allowed to have a TOL but not a VBAC? So you can go into labor, become fully dilated, and then get rushed to the OR? My DH was not understanding at first but then I enlightened him by reading him facts and stories I had already read that made up my mind for me. Once he discovered the truth and considered the stupidity that was my first delivery, he got on board. What kind of cancer did you have? Was there surgery/is that a consideration in the delivery mode? That could play a huge part in this, but your OB sounds shady to me.

I had the pre-cancerous cells on the cervix. I thought it was a little bit but once my cervix was frozen during cryosurgery the doc spent a lot more time there getting it all off than he had originally anticipated. I did relay this information to my OB, the cryo was done in 2000. So when I went to deliver in 2009 I asked my OB if she would manually break the scar tissue as that's what was holding me back from dilating with my son's delivery in 2001 and she refused. Would not even discuss it.

lilbit923 · January 2011

SoxChamps:
Could you at least interview some other providers? It sounds like she is not only unsupportive, but also dismissive of your wants and needs. Big red flags to me.

I have an appt next monday a few hours after I speak with my current OB. Yes, I agree, my wants and needs are easily dismissed and she's supportive of what she wants not so much what I want.

lilbit923 · January 2011

lorryfach:
lilbit923:

DH tells me today that he thinks my OB is looking out for me and maybe I just didn't ask the questions correctly. HUH? How do you ask to have a VBAC incorrectly? I've been researching this and am pissed to learn the scare tactics and buzz phrases used to scare a laboring mother into a c-section were used on me.

Is your DH there when you're asking? I'm guessing not, and he didn't hear what you said, so he's taking a stab at what the issue would be. I know it sounds really stupid, but I also wouldn't be at all surprised if my DH would do the same exact thing. He always wants to find a solution, and he'll look for one even if it's not very likely or doesn't totally make sense. I know he's just making sure I've covered all the bases, but it's still really annoying and maybe even a bit insulting when he asks these questions sometimes! I do think someone can ask to have a VBAC in a poor manner. You could either be too timid (e.g. "is this the only way?" without even mentioning VBAC) or too confrontational (e.g. "I *will* VBAC, I don't care what you say"? perhaps true but would be off-putting). So maybe he's just envisioning something like that going on.

I hope you can find another provider. You need one you can trust.

No he's not. I go to my appts alone and text him about what's happening while I am there. My way of asking for a VBAC with my current OB was "I'd like to try a VBAC this time, can you massage away my scarring on my cervix so I can dilate this time?" and she left the room without looking at me saying that my uterus will rupture and she doesn't want to choose which one of us to save. Not exactly reassuring in my mind.

JimsBride08 · January 2011

lilbit923:
lorryfach:
lilbit923:

DH tells me today that he thinks my OB is looking out for me and maybe I just didn't ask the questions correctly. HUH? How do you ask to have a VBAC incorrectly? I've been researching this and am pissed to learn the scare tactics and buzz phrases used to scare a laboring mother into a c-section were used on me.

Is your DH there when you're asking? I'm guessing not, and he didn't hear what you said, so he's taking a stab at what the issue would be. I know it sounds really stupid, but I also wouldn't be at all surprised if my DH would do the same exact thing. He always wants to find a solution, and he'll look for one even if it's not very likely or doesn't totally make sense. I know he's just making sure I've covered all the bases, but it's still really annoying and maybe even a bit insulting when he asks these questions sometimes! I do think someone can ask to have a VBAC in a poor manner. You could either be too timid (e.g. "is this the only way?" without even mentioning VBAC) or too confrontational (e.g. "I *will* VBAC, I don't care what you say"? perhaps true but would be off-putting). So maybe he's just envisioning something like that going on.

I hope you can find another provider. You need one you can trust.

No he's not. I go to my appts alone and text him about what's happening while I am there. My way of asking for a VBAC with my current OB was "I'd like to try a VBAC this time, can you massage away my scarring on my cervix so I can dilate this time?" and she left the room without looking at me saying that my uterus will rupture and she doesn't want to choose which one of us to save. Not exactly reassuring in my mind.

WOW. I would definitely look elsewhere. Tell your DH that this is something that means a lot to you and you would really appreciate his support.

ILoveRunning · January 2011

JimsBride08:
lilbit923:
lorryfach:
lilbit923:

DH tells me today that he thinks my OB is looking out for me and maybe I just didn't ask the questions correctly. HUH? How do you ask to have a VBAC incorrectly? I've been researching this and am pissed to learn the scare tactics and buzz phrases used to scare a laboring mother into a c-section were used on me.
Is your DH there when you're asking? I'm guessing not, and he didn't hear what you said, so he's taking a stab at what the issue would be. I know it sounds really stupid, but I also wouldn't be at all surprised if my DH would do the same exact thing. He always wants to find a solution, and he'll look for one even if it's not very likely or doesn't totally make sense. I know he's just making sure I've covered all the bases, but it's still really annoying and maybe even a bit insulting when he asks these questions sometimes! I do think someone can ask to have a VBAC in a poor manner. You could either be too timid (e.g. "is this the only way?" without even mentioning VBAC) or too confrontational (e.g. "I *will* VBAC, I don't care what you say"? perhaps true but would be off-putting). So maybe he's just envisioning something like that going on.
I hope you can find another provider. You need one you can trust.
No he's not. I go to my appts alone and text him about what's happening while I am there. My way of asking for a VBAC with my current OB was "I'd like to try a VBAC this time, can you massage away my scarring on my cervix so I can dilate this time?" and she left the room without looking at me saying that my uterus will rupture and she doesn't want to choose which one of us to save. Not exactly reassuring in my mind.
WOW. I would definitely look elsewhere. Tell your DH that this is something that means a lot to you and you would really appreciate his support.

I agree! The fact that your OB is making statements like that is really upsetting. I hope that you can find a provider who is willing to listen to you and work with you.

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