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Honestly wondering...

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Re: Honestly wondering...

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    She's not giving less because she hates twins, she's giving less because it's what she can afford or what she deems an appropriate overall amount to spend in one weekend on other children. I promise, it's not this huge hatred for twins or because she thinks they are not equal to singletons.
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    I would buy 2 gifts of the same amount/type that I would normally get for a singleton birthday party. If I couldn't afford 2 gifts, I wouldn't accept the invite to the party.
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    No, the REASONING is that it is the same as having 2 parties on the same weekend. Did you read ANY of my subsequent posts, or were you too busy picking the knot out of your panties?

    People treat my kids much the same way since their birthdays are in December, 6 days apart. I just graciously write thank you notes for the gifts that they do give, and don't sit there with a calculator tallying up who spent more on what.

    Holy crap. Life isn't always fair. I think that's a good lesson for kids to learn. And maybe a little gratitude that people would give gifts at all.

    AKA KnittyB*tch
    DS - December 2006
    DD - December 2008

    imageimage
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    "We are going to a party in Feb for the twins in DS class. I will buy one slightly less expensive gift per child." - this was her initial reply.  So whatever justification since - fine, whatever.  The initial implication was the twin factor.  

     

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    soooooo....there's no right answer here.  Do what feels comfortable for you.  Obviously different people have different expectations & clearly, you can't make everyone happy.  :-)
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    imageAnnapolisLari:

    Holy crap. Life isn't always fair. I think that's a good lesson for kids to learn. And maybe a little gratitude that people would give gifts at all.

    <3 

    This. 

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    imageKapalua:
    I'm with Lari I think.  Are you guys adding up the cash value of the birthday gifts your kids get? Or comparing with the gifts given to other kids in your circle?  I guarantee your kids don't give a sh!t...they're excited that their friends are there and they get to open presents.  People give what they can and that should be more than fine.

    Yeah, I mean, it's one thing if grandparents do this I guess, but people invited to a birthday party from your kid's school?  Who cares?  How many birthday gifts does a kid need anyway?  They get so ecstatic about the smallest things anyway.

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    I really do see what you're saying Jetta-I just think that it's the adults getting hung up on dollar amounts when that doesn't really matter.  Maybe it's because I don't like the thought of other parents taking mental note of how much I spent on their kid.  Maybe it's because I don't think in terms of having a rule for how much to spend for a birthday party (just like I don't have a "rule" for gifting at weddings)  we do what we can at the time and what feels appropriate.

    Now, if we're talking about close family members making obvious disparities over and over...I think that's a little different too. 

    Nathan 7-13-06 ~ Elizabeth 4-12-09 ~ Zachary 8-5-11
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    EMTEMT member
    imageAnnapolisLari:
      

    Holy crap. Life isn't always fair. I think that's a good lesson for kids to learn. And maybe a little gratitude that people would give gifts at all.

    AL, you sound like gibs in your post about doing a 1/2 b-day party. I am in agreement with you but I am scratching my head as to how this is so different from your situation.

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    imagegoodheartedmommy:
    imageAnnapolisLari:

    Holy crap. Life isn't always fair. I think that's a good lesson for kids to learn. And maybe a little gratitude that people would give gifts at all.

    <3 

    This. 

    This is great and all, and I'm not trying to be a bitchhere Lari, but you were the one considering having a half birthday for your children because of their birth dates.  Life isn't fair there either ...but you were trying to compensate for that (rightfully so). I'm sure you can probably relate to this very sentiment (the twins getting jipped) even moreso than most.  A little empathy would go a long way rather than the whole "suck it up and life isn't fair" speech that most gave you in your "half birthday" post too!

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    imageAnnapolisLari:

    No, I'd spend less if I had any two parties the same weekend. But the OP was asking about twins, so that's how I answered.

    People screw my kids over all the time. Their birthdays are 6 days apart, 3 weeks before Christmas. Do you see me on here moaning about it? No.

    And M knows both of the twins. They are in his class at school, which is only 12 kids. Everyone's invited and everyone's going. It's a tight-knit preschool since it's a co-op.

    Um, well on that count I disagree.  Not that I care at all Lari or even disagree with you...but weren't you JUST debating having half birthday parties for your children since they get the shaft in December?  Totally your right and all but....

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    imagejettagurl:

    "We are going to a party in Feb for the twins in DS class. I will buy one slightly less expensive gift per child." - this was her initial reply.  So whatever justification since - fine, whatever.  The initial implication was the twin factor.  

    Now I am honestly wondering... what would you do if someone showed up at your twins party with no gift at all? Turn them away at the door?

    Because seriously, you are going way overboard with this.

    AKA KnittyB*tch
    DS - December 2006
    DD - December 2008

    imageimage
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    imagejettagurl:

    then lower your budget for all the kids....so you're buying $20 gifts all year, rather than $25 for some and $17 for some. 

    I admit it would hurt my feelers to see you give my kids something less than little Johnny got 2-3 weeks before.  Would I say something? Of course not.  

     

    Wow. This shocks me.  I have a basic amount ($25) that I spend, but if I find something for a little less, or a little more, I don't feel the need to adjust the amounts that I spend for the rest of the birthdays. I understand this is an issue of twins gifts specifically, but I think it's overstepping boundaries to judge people on what they spend- regardless of what the situation is.

    Melanie ~Ava Grace 7.20.06 & Lila Jane 7.22.09~ m/c #3 6/18/08 image
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    imageEMT:
    imageAnnapolisLari:
      

    Holy crap. Life isn't always fair. I think that's a good lesson for kids to learn. And maybe a little gratitude that people would give gifts at all.

    AL, you sound like gibs in your post about doing a 1/2 b-day party. I am in agreement with you but I am scratching my head as to how this is so different from your situation.

    This.  

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    I think the issue here is that moms of multiples are already sensitive about their children being treated as individuals because it is something they will fight for the entire lives.  I don't think that's irrational, but I think the birthday gift thing is just an extension of that and that's how they're viewing the issue.  And I think moms who don't have multiples probably won't understand why that's a sensitive issue.

    With regards to the actual question: for me, if we went to a twin party, I would bring two gifts of either what I thought the kids would like (close friends) or two gifts of the range I generally spend (classmates).  If I was a mom of twins, I'd probably buy two gifts or one more expensive gift for a party.

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    Lari, of course not.  I'd rather everyone come with nothing, and just have 1-2 things from us/grandparents.Bring a $2 gift, just don't do it because they are twins.   It's a party to celebrate the birth, not to see how many gifts we get.  Its the idea of slighting them based on the fact they are twins.  Birthdays are important in our family and we will always celebrate regardless of who brings what.  

    I initially asked if you did this because of the twin factor or if you would do the same to two kids that just happened to have a party on the same weekend and you didn't respond.  You just got on your high horse about ungrateful kids and life is unfair and how your kids get the shaft.  I was that kid too.  I got the shaft because of my birth date.

    Like I already said....if it's a financial issue, so be it.  But the way you initially stated your response seemed to be based on the twin thing.  So be it.  Give it any reason you want, it's just unfortunate that people do this type of thing to multiples. 


     

     

     

     

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    imagepraline:
    Um, well on that count I disagree.  Not that I care at all Lari or even disagree with you...but weren't you JUST debating having half birthday parties for your children since they get the shaft in December?  Totally your right and all but....

    Not that you will believe me, but I wasn't thinking about gifts at all when I was asking about the party. I was thinking more along the lines of getting to get together with their friends and the cake with candles and party games thing. People are too busy and the weather is too unreliable from December-March around here and I was trying to figure something out.

    AKA KnittyB*tch
    DS - December 2006
    DD - December 2008

    imageimage
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    She did answer, and said she'd do the same thing. And again it's not because they're twins, it's because it's two gifts at one time. I think Eclaires was right that perhaps you're just sensitive due to other issues surrounding having twins. You're taking it way too personally. 
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    imageAnnapolisLari:

    imagepraline:
    Um, well on that count I disagree.  Not that I care at all Lari or even disagree with you...but weren't you JUST debating having half birthday parties for your children since they get the shaft in December?  Totally your right and all but....

    Not that you will believe me, but I wasn't thinking about gifts at all when I was asking about the party. I was thinking more along the lines of getting to get together with their friends and the cake with candles and party games thing. People are too busy and the weather is too unreliable from December-March around here and I was trying to figure something out.

    And I feel confident that jetta's concern is not that her kids get $x amount of gifts, but that they are treated as individuals.

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    imagegoodheartedmommy:
    She did answer, and said she'd do the same thing. And again it's not because they're twins, it's because it's two gifts at one time. I think Eclaires was right that perhaps you're just sensitive due to other issues surrounding having twins. You're taking it way too personally. 

    I already said I was probably irrational about it.  admitted. Lari said that way late in the thread, like 2-3 (of her) responses later.

    I'm trying to get someone to understand my view but it's like talking to a brick wall. Eclaires said it all well.  I'm spent on this topic. 

     

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    I feel the same way (about the brick wall). Poor horse, he was dead a long time ago...
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    imagejettagurl:

    imagegoodheartedmommy:
    She did answer, and said she'd do the same thing. And again it's not because they're twins, it's because it's two gifts at one time. I think Eclaires was right that perhaps you're just sensitive due to other issues surrounding having twins. You're taking it way too personally. 

    I already said I was probably irrational about it.  admitted. Lari said that way late in the thread, like 2-3 (of her) responses later.

    I'm trying to get someone to understand my view but it's like talking to a brick wall. Eclaires said it all well.  I'm spent on this topic. 

     

    The issue is that her initial response, her reasoning is because they are twins.  Because she is buying two gifts, she is going to spend less on each one.  It's not because she happened to get one on sale.  It's not because they would like the $15 gift better than the $25 gift.  It is simply because they are twins and she has to buy more than one gift so she is taking the budget and splitting it in half. 

    From the financial perspective of the gift buyer, sure, that makes sense.  From a mom of twins perspective, it sucks to have someone get your children a lesser valued gift just because they were born on the same day.

    And just in case any of you care, I have bought my nephew a 1lb bag of M&M (his fave) because his gift cost $4 less than his sisters (for Christmas) and I wanted it to be even.  I'm sick like that though!  ;)

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    imageeclaires:
    And I feel confident that jetta's concern is not that her kids get $x amount of gifts, but that they are treated as individuals.

    Which is why I said that I would spend a little bit less per gift, to ensure that I brough a gift for each of them.

    I can't afford to spend double what I usually do. What I can afford to do is spend a little less per gift and make sure that each kid has something to open from us at the party.

    This thing is going in circles. I'm out.

    AKA KnittyB*tch
    DS - December 2006
    DD - December 2008

    imageimage
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    Really, unless it's obviously a grandparent showing blatant favoritism or something like that, who the hell cares how much someone spends on your children's gifts? I mean, the point of throwing my kids a birthday party isn't to accumulate gifts, it's for the kids to have fun celebrating together! Frankly, most of the time I'd rather do the "no gifts, please" thing except that tends to get people all worked up too.

    FWIW, if I went to a birthday party for more than one child in the same day I'd bring them each a gift. The amount I spend is going to vary depending on how much discretionary money I have to spend at the moment, how close it is to payday, how well we know the child, whether it's a close friend/family vs. a school friend, etc. When buying gifts I do not take into account how many family members will be attending the party- I will buy the same gift regardless of whether just ds is invited or if younger siblings are welcome too (in ds's class it is common for younger siblings to also be included and they're welcome to tag along.)

    Last weekend ds went to a shared birthday party for two kids from his school- not twins, just classmates with the same birthday so they had a joint party and invited the whole class. I bought each kid the same gift although it was quite inexpensive and probably not up to par with what some people here seem to expect.

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    imageAnnapolisLari:

    imagepraline:
    Um, well on that count I disagree.  Not that I care at all Lari or even disagree with you...but weren't you JUST debating having half birthday parties for your children since they get the shaft in December?  Totally your right and all but....

    Not that you will believe me, but I wasn't thinking about gifts at all when I was asking about the party. I was thinking more along the lines of getting to get together with their friends and the cake with candles and party games thing. People are too busy and the weather is too unreliable from December-March around here and I was trying to figure something out.

    No, I do believe you, and that was the impression I got in your half birthday post. Just saying...you vent like everyone else.  I understand yours and Jetta's point of view.  I always kind of write off gifts coming from classmates...in other words I don't expect much!  Not because people around here aren't generous, but because everyone goes to so many kid parties that come on...$15 bucks is enough in my opinion for twins and everyone else.

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    imageAnnapolisLari:

    imageeclaires:
    And I feel confident that jetta's concern is not that her kids get $x amount of gifts, but that they are treated as individuals.

    Which is why I said that I would spend a little bit less per gift, to ensure that I brough a gift for each of them.

    I can't afford to spend double what I usually do. What I can afford to do is spend a little less per gift and make sure that each kid has something to open from us at the party.

    This thing is going in circles. I'm out.

    Uh, that wasn't my point.  It doesn't matter what you do - jetta's response was based on her thinking that that line of thinking penalizes twins just for being twins, not that she's worried her kid is getting a $5 cheaper gift.  (YES, I know you followed up on that).

    You wanted to have half-birthdays for your kids for a party, not for gifts, because you think they get penalized because they have December birthdays.

    My point is that both of you just want things to be fair for your kids - you want your kids to have a party.  She wants her kids to be treated as individuals.  And when people pointed out the half birthday thing in response to you saying "life isn't fair," you seemed to think since yours wasn't about gifts it wasn't the same.

    But it is - because it's not about the gifts.  For either situation.  It's not about being greedy gift grabby a-holes.  It's about wanting your kids to have the same birthday experience as every other child around.

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    Cleo --

    THIS...

    "The amount I spend is going to vary depending on how much discretionary money I have to spend at the moment, how close it is to payday, how well we know the child, whether it's a close friend/family vs. a school friend, etc. "

    is not the issue.  The issue is that the original statement was based on the sole fact that because she had to buy two gifts, she was reducing the amount spent.

    All of the other stuff --- savings, not enough money, who it is, etc --- is inconsequential.  And although it did come up later, it was not explained that way initially which is how this post became 60 replies long!  LOL

     

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    wow. this got out of hand. .  

    but friends coming to bday parties.... do you really examine the gifts given that closely?  really?  

    frankly, I just stocked up for bdays over the next few months. target has a big sale going on.  one kid invited both of my dc. he'll get the $40 gift that was on sale for $8.  one kid invited just dd (she's in his class).  He'll get the $20 gift that was on sale for $8.  do the moms really worry whether I spent $8 or $20 or $40?   both are getting freakin' TS3 toys that they'll probably love.  who freakin' cares? I'm only giving the $40 gift to the one kid b/c we've known him for a while and I am friends with the mom and she was kind enough to invite ds (pay for a spot for him) even though he's not in our kids' class at school.    

    I tend to have a set budget for extras like gifts for the kids' friends.  if there were 3 kids' bdays in one month and then 2 months later there was only one gift.... the kid with the one and only bday would probably get a gift that I spent more $ on.  I tend to look for toys that are a. within my budget at the time. b. my kids would fight over.  c. I don't spend over $25 for a classmate's bday present (not at their age now).

     when it comes to Christmas , we spent more on DD when it was just her.  now we split it between the two.  we get = number of gifts b/c that's what they would recognize at this point...not cost... but number of items.  

    would I be upset if I had twins and a singleton and my singleton obviously got more expensive gifts than the twins?  maybe. I don't understand why the family wouldn't take that amount and split it evenly between three kids.  I wouldn't expect them to pay the same amount as they did for the singleton on each of the three if they couldn't afford it.  however if they got items I knew my twins LOVED, would the cost really matter?  and how do you know what they really spent?  maybe they got a great sale and did spent a similar dollar amount?

    reading too much into it.     teaching our children to be ungrateful snots... one nestie baby at a time.   

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    imageeclaires:
    imageAnnapolisLari:

    imagepraline:
    Um, well on that count I disagree.  Not that I care at all Lari or even disagree with you...but weren't you JUST debating having half birthday parties for your children since they get the shaft in December?  Totally your right and all but....

    Not that you will believe me, but I wasn't thinking about gifts at all when I was asking about the party. I was thinking more along the lines of getting to get together with their friends and the cake with candles and party games thing. People are too busy and the weather is too unreliable from December-March around here and I was trying to figure something out.

    And I feel confident that jetta's concern is not that her kids get $x amount of gifts, but that they are treated as individuals.

    But they ARE being treated as individuals, they are EACH getting a gift. 

    Melanie ~Ava Grace 7.20.06 & Lila Jane 7.22.09~ m/c #3 6/18/08 image
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    EMTEMT member

    imageeclaires:

    My point is that both of you just want things to be fair for your kids - you want your kids to have a party.  She wants her kids to be treated as individuals.  And when people pointed out the half birthday thing in response to you saying "life isn't fair," you seemed to think since yours wasn't about gifts it wasn't the same.

    But it is - because it's not about the gifts.  For either situation.  It's not about being greedy gift grabby a-holes.  It's about wanting your kids to have the same birthday experience as every other child around.

    Not to pile on, but THIS!  But for reals ladies, we need some actual drama!

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    imageeclaires:
    h, that wasn't my point.  It doesn't matter what you do - jetta's response was based on her thinking that that line of thinking penalizes twins just for being twins, not that she's worried her kid is getting a $5 cheaper gift.  (YES, I know you followed up on that).

    You wanted to have half-birthdays for your kids for a party, not for gifts, because you think they get penalized because they have December birthdays.

    My point is that both of you just want things to be fair for your kids - you want your kids to have a party.  She wants her kids to be treated as individuals.  And when people pointed out the half birthday thing in response to you saying "life isn't fair," you seemed to think since yours wasn't about gifts it wasn't the same.

    But it is - because it's not about the gifts.  For either situation.  It's not about being greedy gift grabby a-holes.  It's about wanting your kids to have the same birthday experience as every other child around.

    Penalizing them for being twins would be bringing one gift and expecting them to split it.

    My bringing a gift for each child is my (apparently fvcking useless) attempt to TREAT them as individuals.

    I give up.

    AKA KnittyB*tch
    DS - December 2006
    DD - December 2008

    imageimage
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    Honestly, you're making this a huge deal, like I'm trying to offend you and saying you suck.  I honestly don't give a sh*t if you buy no gifts or stuff out of the dollar bin or something that costs $100.

    She responded initially based on your initial post and was probably sensitive because it's something she is going to face with her kids, potentially from family AND friends.

    I'm just saying that it's the same as you wanting to make your kids have a party.  Everyone wants their kids to be treated just like everyone else's - later, you followed up that you would do the same for two parties on the same day of separate families - but initially it did seem like it was a twin thing which is what anyone who took offense to that or questioned it responded to.  OK?  Okay.

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    if i want my kids to get nice things for their bday, i buy them.  i certainly do not expect anything from classmates.  honestly, their presence and the time their parents spent with them at the party speaks for itself.  so lari's admission of spending 34 dollars on two gifts for preschool classmate twins at a party is fine in my eyes.

    what if your kid gets something that you know was on sale for dirt cheap at target that week?  do you call the gift giver cheap or savvy with their dough?  are your feelings hurt because somehow the child was gipped? It all falls into the category of it just doesn't matter. for me.  i don't have twins.  but i never compare the dollar amount one would spend on one of the boy's bdays vs. the other either.  it is probably much harder not to compare when you do have twins, i'm guessing.

    Patty Matt 4/7/05 and Sean 12/14/06 image
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    imagehikerbeth:

    For baby twins (ie: first birthday) I would probably just bring one gift, but when they are older (and understand "opening gifts" I bring one for each).

    2 of DD's best friends in the neighborhood are twins and we started bringing 2 gifts for their 3rd birthdays.

    This seems right to me.  I'm glad that I caught this post.  I have never thought about it but, I'm not at that point either.

     

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    Wow. Most of the toys out now are crap anyway. So, we are all really buying each others children crap. Everyone gets the shaft!
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    I'm with the PP that said that I don't expect anyone else to spend a lot on my kids.  That's my job.  I really don't care what they get and I give what we can afford.  I have friends/family with 1, 2, 3 and 4 kids.  Sometimes we're invited to more than one party for the family, sometimes none, so I don't really expect much when it comes time for my kids to get gifts.  We certainly don't invite people to the party for the gifts, we invite them b/c we want to celebrate with them.  I don't tally up how much I've spent per family either.  Nor do I tally up what they spend on mine. 

    Being upset b/c your parents or ILs don't spend equal amounts on your kids is something completely separate, IMO.

    DS1 age 7, DD age 5 and DS2 born 4/3/12
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    My rule of thumb is, it's OK to treat them like siblings, but not like they're one person.

    The people who have given birthday presents to our boys always get separate presents for each kids. With big gifts we've given them like the play kitchen and Kangaroo Climber, they share them. But those are gifts that siblings would usually share anyway rather than having one per child.

     

    fraternal twin boys born january 2009
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    imageveloelle:

    Twins party = 2 gifts

    Twins invited to a party = 1 gift. I'd assume 1 gift per family, regardless of the # of kids. If I invited my friend to DD's bday party, I wouldn't expect her 6 kids to each buy my DD a gift.

    This exactly, actually.

    We have good friends with a DD my boys' age. Now that they've had another baby if both their kids come to my boys' party next year I wouldn't expect them to bring 4 gifts, one per child from each of their kids!

    fraternal twin boys born january 2009
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    imageBrewster:
    I do totally get what you are saying.  I feel the same way about my 12-23 baby sometimes, but understand people can only do what they can do.  I don't honestly think he'll ever notice.  It's probably harder being a Christmas baby then being a twin when it comes to receiving gifts, imo. 

    Or what's worse is being a twin born right around Christmas. ;)

    fraternal twin boys born january 2009
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    I think it really depends.  Personally, I would buy 2 gifts so each child gets a gift.  As for the gift they would bring - I typically spend $15-$20 on gifts for my kids friends.  If I had twins, I would double the amount spent - that could be with 1 large gfit or 2 small gifts.  I often end up getting mroe than 1 item anyway - my older DD is going to a party and we spend $20 on a board game and a nerf ball.
    Jenni Mom to DD#1 - 6-16-06 DD#2 - 3-13-08 
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