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Success after IF
Mouseygail
member
Clicky Poll #9: SAHM/WM
Mouseygail
member
Who has it tougher?
[Poll]
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Clicky Poll #9: SAHM/WM
Hey! I am the first voter!
I am a SAHM, but my guess is that WM have it harder...I still reserve the right to complain sometimes:)
I think they both have their challenges... but I voted WM. Kudos to those of you who work full time. I don't know how you do it.
It would be interesting to see which moms voted for which, if you know what I mean. Is the grass always greener on the other side?
I work and I voted for WMs only because of the guilt.
If that was not in the equation, then SAHM for sure.
4 Fresh IVF cycles + 1 FET where embies didn't survive the thaw = 2 perfect little men!
sFET 11/9/11 - Beta 11/18 BFP!
I've never been a WM, but I'm guessing they have it harder. Although I will say that being a SAHM is waaaaaay harder than I ever expected and comes with whole set of challenges I never anticipated. Still, I give the edge to WM, mostly because I had a stressful career and I can't imagine the anxiety that would come from dealing with work on top of child issues.
I'm torn...I think both jobs are hard in different ways.
I'm a WM who just got off 4 months of maternity leave, so I was a temporary SAHM.
Being at home with 2 kids by myself all day was challenging. I had to juggle house stuff at the same time I was taking care of 2 babies. I loved spending so much time with them and miss it terribly, but it was a lot of work and I'm not sure I could do it all the time.
Now that I'm back to work I'm finding how hard it is to work F/T, take care of 2 kids and keep the house in working order. I haven't found my groove yet. The hardest part is that I only get to see my girls for about 3 hours a day. It's a huge juggling act and it's really hard! The house is definitely hurting as a result, but I'd rather spend time with my girls when I get home than worry about a clean house. That can wait for the weekends.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
I voted SAHM but that is just because I take care of 3u2 all day. Twins and a toddler is a whole different animal haha
If you would have asked me this before I had the twins, I would have said WMs have it much harder.
I'm the opposite - a WM that voted SAHM have it much harder.
I'm in awe of moms who have the patience and desire to be with their kids all the time. I love having "me" time, even if it's during my short commute and working hours.
And when I'm sick, I love being able to send K to daycare and rest without interruption.
I think it depends on how much paid help you have.
When I return to work (part time) we will have a nanny that takes care of Kate, all of her laundry, cleans the house, and we are hoping that she cooks 1-2 times a week. Obviously we are paying a premium for the ?extras? but I can?t fathom doing it all and working.
So, I think I will have it much easier than WM that don't have any paid help and have to do it all on their own.
But, the guilt of leaving Kate is going to kill me. I'm not sure I will last working - even part time - for very long.
I voted SAHM. I'm a WM and I didn't vote WM because honestly I couldn't be a SAHM. As a WM, I see your job as much harder because you technically never get a break. I mean I am glad to be at work some days. Do I feel guilty about that later, yes, but it's bliss sometimes. So I do think you guys have it tougher.
BUT, I think when the kids get older and are in school it would swing the other way. I don't know, because I'm not there yet, but that's how I feel and why I voted the way I did.
I am a WM and voted WM. I think SAHMs can have a much harder time emotionally as it can be more isolating/hard to get a 'break' from the kids (from what I've seen from my friends).
But juggling the stress of a career on top of being a mom and wife...yeah, it's hard.
Agreed!
Oye. I was wondering when someone was going to ask this. I'm going to be honest here and will probably make someone mad, but please no flames and don't take it personal. I recently started back to work, so I am in a big of a different place than I would be, probably, if we were further out. Or heck, if we didn't go through so much to get Noah I would probably be in a different place. My take:
First, both have their advantages & disadvantages & both can be hard as hell. However, I've had a taste of SAHM and like I said, am now a WM, and I would totally pick SAHM duties over WM, form what I know. Now, I didn't get to be a SAHM for long, so who knows, maybe I would get "lonely" or burnt out on all the work. But I miss Noah so much during the day. It breaks my heart to be away from him. But both of us working provides him so many benefits & will ensure a great future. And honestly, we don't do great on a "budget".
IMO, while staying home with a kid is tiring, you dont HAVE to be anywhere at a certain time. You dont HAVE to put on makeup or even get dressed for that matter. And the day is so much longer with little time for anything truly relaxing during the week. In the mornings, I TRY and get my shower in before DH leaves for work (he's gone by 5am) so that he can help with Noah while I get ready. But most of the time, I'm rushing and hurrying to get ready for work so that I can get us BOTH ready and out there door so I'm not late. Then, by the time we come home and do dinner and baths, we don't have a lot of time to be with him, much less really relax or have down time. It feels like we are always going on full speed. Heck we have to grocery shop on the weekends and thats hardly fun. Not to mention, cleaning, laundry, etc. When I was home, I could be with Noah and get all the house stuff done and caught up. Then once DH got home, we could play a little and have some family time and relax.
However, I don't really like this argument. It's a no win for either side. It's one of those do what's right for you and your family type thing. I have a friend who is a SAHM and I get SO SICK of her judging me. It GETS SO OLD. I am so tired of hearing how me working is not whats best for Noah but it makes things "easier" on me. Like hell it does. I feel terrible enough because of what we had to go through to finally get him. This friend of my seems to always be seeking validation. Ill be busy at work and get a bb message from her saying that she is so exhasuted and SAH is not for wimps. I just want her to leave me alone already. She choses to not work and her family is in a tight money situation where they have to rely on family members. How is that "whats best"? Give me a break.
But really, it's all so individual. Every mom, every kid, every family is different. I'm sure there are SAHMs lives that I wouldn't want to have. Many others that I would. And vice versa. I think that struggling with IF makes it even more so. So FOR ME, SAHM is/would be MUCH easier. But we didn't take the easy road to get to Noah, and the road to providing for him to the best of our abilities won't be easy either.
ETA: Damn that was long winded.
Maybe I should have just said, I vote for WM is harder! Being a WM is so tough, on so many levels. But boy does it feel so much better than not being a mom at all. 
I'm also a WM, and I think that we probably do have it harder from an emotional/ guilt/ anxiety/ juggling/ whatever-you-want-to-call-it standpoint. And, for those reasons, I really think I'd like to SAH. That said, when I think about staying at home, it scares the bejeezus out of me! As much as I hate sending DS to daycare - I can't imagine not having daycare there to send him to! Does that make sense?
This past weekend we had the weekend plus a snow day, and by Tuesday morning I was exhausted! DS was bored - he loves playing with the other kids at daycare, and DH and I just weren't cutting it
Thus far, at least, he's learned good habits from them and, in large part, I'm glad to have had the input of such experienced child care providers while being a first time mom. (That said, one of the things I hate the most about daycare is giving up some "control" over his day-to-day.) We have some friends who just had a baby, and we're going to visit at 4:00 today, then picking DS up. I go get my hair done on my lunch break. And I go to the MFM every Wednesday morning. So, although I work my tail off!! - I really can't imagine having to figure out care for DS every time I wanted to do something like that.
Final verdict? I guess I think it depends on your job. My job is really stressful and it sucks the life right out of me. Rediculous hours and responsibility, no actual "time off" (just get your job done - which never happens!), and it's near impossible to "just leave it at work". . .at the same time, I have a friend who works 7:30 - 3:00, with 3 weeks of vacation a year; if she can't make it due to a kids' illness or snow day or whatever, no big deal - business goes on. She doesn't wake up at night thinking about her job, and she likes her co-workers. She picks her kids up from school. . . you see what I'm saying.
Loving these polls!
I'm a WM- and I think SAHM have it harder. I am in awe that you guys can do it all day long!
I love having some time with just adults, and being able to go to the bathroom without hearing 'MAMAMA" I miss DD when I'm at work, but working keeps me sane!
Having help is KEY! I couldn't work without the help we have- we have a nanny that comes over everyday M-F to take care of DD while we are at work- she does the laundry and starts dinner everynight- it's great! We also have a housekeeeper that comes once a week. I feel much better coming home knowing my time is being spendt with my family and not cleaning or cooking dinner.
This cracked me up. This morning I was trying to have a little private time in the bathroom, but because none of our doors are hung properly K can open them easily. She was walking in and out of the bathroom, smiling at me as she patted my knee, tried to hand me her toys, etc.
Going to the bathroom at work is awesome!!
I totally agree. I SAH for a year and was so happy to get back to work, and while I have busy days at work, I still get to take a lunch break, chat with coworkers, go online when it's slow, etc. And I don't feel guilty at all about it. I like working. Being a SAHM was so much harder for me.
That said, I think, and this is just my OPINION, but I think part of what factors into how each of us views this is our choice in the matter. Some WMs would choose to stay home, but for various reason, they have to work outside the home. Some WMs choose to continue to work. Same for SAHMs. If it is your choice, I think you view what you do as less challenging. But, if you feel that the choice in the matter was taken from you, then you see what you do as more difficult. Does that make any sense to anyone else?
I absolutely think this has a lot to do with it. I choose to work and I honestly don't find being a WM stressful AT ALL. Sure, my house only gets cleaned when we're having company, but I make dinner most nights, spend quality time with K and my husband, usually get a good night's sleep and like going to work.
That being said, I have a very low-key job and a lot of flexibility, plus family close by to help if we need it. I would be WAY more stressed if I SAH.
I agree with what everyone has said - and might I add how civilized of us to have this discussion!
I get the guilt etc of being a WM but I think there is also a level of guilt/stress being a SAHM. I feel like there are so many expectations, clean house, fresh meals, happy children and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning under all that. Most of it is self inforced, DH doesn't complain about walking into a mess some (ok, most) nights, but it certainly adds a layer of guilt and stress.
I also feel a lot of stress in not having a back-up plan ie daycare. Either I take the kids or I don't go. Sickness, dr appts whatever, there isn't a net!
Just a few more points to consider
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I wish I hadn't read this thread. Reading about some of your long, stessful days, long commutes, WM guilt, SAHM guilt, and even more stress makes me feel like a spoiled brat.
I stay home, have lots of family begging to keep Caroline (if I let her, she would be gone every day of the week to different grandparents homes), and have a housekeeper once a week...and I still feel like I'm failing most of the time.
Damn....I really, really wish I hadn't read this thread.