- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
Tired of the silly little games
And I may be feeding into it a bit myself, but I'm so fed up with the stupid little ways my ex tries to manipulate situations into his favor, that this is the only way I've discovered how to handle him.
The 'DENTAL BILL UPDATE': (sounds so ominous, I know)
My ex FINALLY sent me a copy of a 'Statement of Services Rendered' from our son's recent trip to the dentist to get cavities filled. They were supposed to fill 2, but only filled one instead, since apparently his other tooth is loose and will be falling out soon anyways.
The bill he sent me is simply ridiculous.....half of the necessary information is blacked out, including the 'Please Pay' amount. In the itemized area above, it shows that an amount was paid, which I can only assume was the amount charged to my ex for our son's dental work. He most likely paid it already, and expects me to write him a check directly, for the amount owed. If this is his expectation, he's sadly mistaken. What I'm prepared to tell him, is that because he refused to get me a copy of the bill any sooner than yesterday (although I repeatedly asked for it), and if he had to then pay the bill because of that, then I will gladly write a check for my share, TO the dentist, and then he'll have a credit for that amount on his account for the next time.
I only choose to operate this way, because just as he shows a lack of trust in me by blacking out the simplest of information and witholding information from me, I also show a lack of trust in him, by not wanting to write him a check directly. As far as I'm concerned, I need to document every single thing that goes back and forth between he and I. He needs to realize that when it comes to our son, I have access to just as much information as he does, regardless of whose name it's under.
Oh, and I called the dentist office and requested a copy of the original bill to be faxed to me. They had no problem doing it. So I should be getting it within the next few hours....hopefully the blacked out information isn't something that is cause for concern on my part....but we shall see.....
Sorry to ramble....just found this almost laughable, and had to share with you ladies.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Tired of the silly little games
What a tool - keep documenting.
Or do this next time... or just have the dentist send you a copy of the bill instead of waiting for him to get you one.
I would have loved to have done this....unfortunately I had none of the dentist's information until he gave me a copy of this bill yesterday. Yep, he's that much of a D-bag...he witholds information from me because he feels that since he pays the insurance for our son, then HE gets to decide what doctors/dentists our son sees, and whether or not I get that info. I've told him more than once that it doesn't work that way.
I just sent in the paperwork last week to have the CO modified because of this....it royally pi$$es me off, so I'm fixing it so that it's all in writing and there are no more 'grey areas.'
Are you kidding me?? Please tell me you at least have a copy of the medical insurance card? If not, what if something happened, that was an emergency? Good for you, for changing the CO, you ex sounds soooo mature!
Again....wish I could say that I did. He hasn't been on my ex's insurance for long, but I've fought him tooth and nail to get this info from him, and he basically ignores me. Apparently he thinks that with the medical info, I can run up some crazy medical bills or something. It's absolutely ridiculous. I've actually had to take my son to the ER once since he was on my ex's insurance, and because I didn't have a card, they sent me the bill for the whole amount, which I then turned around and gave to my ex to deal with. More hassle for him, but I'm done palying his games.
I've also added my son to my insurance, now that it's kicked in through my job. So he's double covered in the event that my ex continues to be a gigantic D-bag.
Great minds think alike....that was the first thing I did this morning after I got the copy from him. Well, actually the first thing I did was laugh at what he sent me, and THEN I called my son's dentist and told them I needed an itemized bill for 'tax purposes.' They didn't even question it, and I should be receiving it sometime within the hour.
If you know where the ex is employeed call them directly and let them know that you need an insurance card for your son, and that due to the relationship between you and his father you need it sent to your home. If they won't do it, tell them you will send a copy of the custody agreement, stating your custody arrangements. They should be able to do it, since your son is a minor.
Good call....I know the company he works for is small enough that he'd hear about it if I called, but honestly I could care less. He can yell at me over it all he wants, but his childish games are only going to affect our son in the end.
Just got the faxed bill from the dentist, and....OH.MY.GOD.
The part he blacked out? Says that the insurance carrier is NOT, in fact my ex, as I previously thought. It's his wife. Which means my ex has NOT been paying for my son's insurance the last year, and is, in fact, NOT eligible to recieve the insurance deduction that child support gives him, which is why his payments are so small.
Oh, this is not going to go over well for him.
I totally disagree with this. My DH has to provide ins for my SS, and he was paying it for himself and SS. I get a family plan through my work so, after we married, we changed us all to that. Why would he continue to pay when my job will pay it for us - that makes no sense at all??? We consider that as my DH providing insurance as our money is basically our money.
I also think it is incredibly childish that you wont just send him a cheque. I think you both like to play games. Maybe if one of you (you) made some concession things might improve, for your sons sake.
I totally disagree with this. My DH has to provide ins for my SS, and he was paying it for himself and SS. I get a family plan through my work so, after we married, we changed us all to that. Why would he continue to pay when my job will pay it for us - that makes no sense at all??? We consider that as my DH providing insurance as our money is basically our money.
I also think it is incredibly childish that you wont just send him a cheque. I think you both like to play games. Maybe if one of you (you) made some concession things might improve, for your sons sake.
FWIW, my DH is required to carry insurance for my SD. But, she is covered under my insurance on a family plan that is automatically deducted from my paycheck. So, technically, HE isn't paying for it either. Either way, it is being paid for out of OUR money. We made that decision because the coverage from my job is better and less expensive than what is available to him through his job.
But, BM is aware of where the insurance comes from and DOES have an up to date medical card. No games here!
The way it's handled in AZ, is that even if there is a step-parent involved, the courts only factor in the biological parent's income. When it comes to the credit he gets for insurance, they only factor in his information. It's just the way the courts work here, and there's nothing he or I can do or say about it. And the insurance provided for my son through his wife's employer is not completely paid for by her job. I know this, because I used to work for the same company she does. So in either case, there's no such thing as 'completely paid for' when it comes to the insurance here. While they may combine their income in their household, the courts do not see it the same way when figuring out support issues.
In regards to not sending a check to him.....you are entitled to have your opinion, however without knowing the exact type of person that my ex is, I don't really think it's entirely fair to say I'm the childish one in this case. If you read through some of my past posts, you'll see that he has a history of pulling crap simply out of spite, and to make things difficult for me. He's very manipulative when it comes to many situations, and has proven to say and do very emotionally damaging things to our son in the past. It's a huge part of why I divorced him, and it's a huge part of why I have to stand my ground with him, even in the smallest of issues.
Again, you're of course allowed to have your opinion, and I appreciate your input. I just don't really think it's me here who needs to buckle in this case, given his past history with how he treats me and our son.
In the end does it REALLY matter whose insurance SS is on? Isn't the important thing that someone is providing him insurance?
IIRC, the issue was that he wanted you to pay upfront, half of the out of pocket costs for DS's dental procedures. You said give proof and I will pay. Now, most places do in fact require payment at time the services are rendered. In this case, since you did not know ahead of time what was due, I am assuming he paid it all. Therefore, what is the big deal with sending him a check? Even if he didn't pay it all, if you agreed to pay half, what is the big deal with sending it to him? I don't get it. The dentist isn't coming after YOU if the bill isn't paid. They will go after him, or the policy holder, his SM. Write a check, make a note in the memo specifying what is for (DS's dental visit on xyz with dr. so and so) and move on.
It's not worth it to you OR to your child to engage in these silly back and forth games. I get that he is a douchebag, but being difficult will only lead to him being a bigger douchebag. This isn't about you giving in, or him winning. This is about taking the high road, and ignoring the BS. A lot of your posts are about "his childish behavior" even though you admit to doing childish things as well. Be the grown-up here. If you don't want to deal with this medical BS, fine. Provide insurance (which you said you will be) and YOU handle all of his appointments from here on out. Problem solved.
Do you not see how you are being difficult here? For no reason that I can see.
I agree with the others, it doesn't matter if it is him or his wife with the coverage. Maybe she has better coverage/lower rates and it benefits them to use hers. I was ordered to have coverage on DS before my late-DH adopted him, I was self employed and we used late-DH's insurance.
The thing to focus on is this: is the amount he was requesting from you the correct amount?
I remember some of your previous posts, and I sort of get where you're coming from.
But I really think at some point you need to step back and try to extricate yourself from this. At this point, you and your XH are just one-upping each other on the games. He knew you would nail him on the insurance issue, so he blacked out the info. That's probably also why he wanted the check up front. It's probably also why he didn't want to give you a card.
So his dirty little secret is that his wife carries the insurance. So what?
I know how irritating it is... really, I do. But at some point, you have to decide you're above it. Tell him that you understand that your kid is being covered by her insurance and now will he please give you a damn card. It's not buckling, it's just realizing that focusing on this crap is wasting your time.
IF the total amount paid/due for services is blacked out HOW WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW MUCH TO REIMBURSE THE SUPER-DOUCHE?? Now that you know the amount....time to pay your share. Although, if you are going to provide the info that the new wife is providing the insurance (and he's covered under yours, too), then it makes sense to wait if the state is going to reasses what he is required to pay, then he may be able to deduct it from the additional amount he owes you.
I wouldn't send a check either, at least not until some of the questions were answered. ALSO, I wouldn't pay in advance either because if you had, you would have paid to fill 2 teeth, when they only filled one because the other was loose. Sounds like the ex is withholding important information just to make your life difficult and the only way to make sure you are covering your @$$ and getting the info you need is for YOU to withhold what he wants....$. It's unfortunate, but he's leaving you no choice.
My DH has my DD on his insurance (along with my SKs and DS) even though my CO says I would provide insurance. I had that put in because Ex never had insurance on her and I wanted her covered. CS is calculated with a credit for Ex's half. So when DH and I got married, I added DD to DH's policy because there is no point in us paying for 2 family plans. In our state a stepparent's income isn't calculated either because it's only based off a % of the noncustodial parents income + medical insurance and EX sends me a check for half of DD's medical costs after I send him a copy the bill because I have to pre-pay them. I don't see anything wrong with doing that.
You and your ex are causing more problems for yourselves then you need to at least your son has insurance. Sit back and look at the big picture. Sure, it's crappy of him to try to not give you a copy of the bills or keep you better informed, but getting back at him does nothing for your son.
Stop waisting your time by feeding into his games and adding more fuel to the fire. Do you really think that anything good will come from withholding the payment? Anything at all? Do you think he will have this magical epiphany filled with fairy dust and glitter that he realizes he needs to start acting like a grown up. Most likely not. Does the CO state a specific deadline of when he needs to submit a claim to you?
This is just my opinion but I think it is very petty to go back to court because his wife is the one supplying the insurance. I think it is a complete waste of the courts time. How much would your child support payments increase? 100$? (if the judge even agrees to raise the support in the first place!) I know my ex has borrowed money from his mom to pay child support. Do you think I should take him to court because the money did not come directly for him? I do think it is important to pick & choose your battles and I feel like this is not one of them.
I'm not sure if this was mentioned, but since you are having the CO amended, ask that all bills that are to be shared that payment must be sent directly to the renderer (is that a word?) of services.
I understand your position but, the whole "one up" gets old and it becomes time consuming, and creates more tension. I also understand that you are tired of having to fight for things as simple as a medical bill, but look at it as a sacrifice you're making for your son not as you're giving in to your ex.
I agree that it is important to know what child your doctor is seeing and what procedures they are having. I disagree that it's not petty to be pissy that the kid is on the SM's health insurance. I definitely think that letting that go IS the best thing she can do.
I am not sure what else she is going to court for, other than the whole insurance issue? Did I miss something? As for the power plays-they are both guilty, which she admits and it is clearly evident from her posts that this is the case.
And really hopanka, the JW freak comment was not neccesary.
ETA-in the end, for this situation, she agreed that she would pay half, once she recieved proof of what was owed. In the end, does it matter if it was before or after the services, or before or after he paid? If he paid it, he should be reimbursed, and since she agreed to pay half, end of story. I have a feeling he was putting off sending her the statement because of the insurance situation, and I can't say I blame him.
Yes I completely agree that it is important to have access to the medical records, dr's etc. I was stating I think it shouldn't matter if the ex himself has the insurance or the step mom.
Your ex does sound like an ass, but he is the one responsible for the bills as the carrier of the insurance. I cover my SKs and we get the bills that aren't covered. If BM doesn't pay, any collection accounts would be on my credit not hers. Which reminds me, I need to pull a credit report and make sure nothing is there.
So very true!
Be thankful your son is insured...