How will you parent your child when they are a teenager?

itsmevkb · January 2011

I work with a ton of women who have high-schoolers and college age kids and am endlessly frustrated by how babied these kids are. The don't work, their parents bought them a car, pay the insurance and for gas, give them money to go out on the weekends, pay their cell phone bills, do their laundry and basically don't make them do any household chores because "school is their job."

My boss just had her oldest go to college and I swear the daughter calls everyday with some new drama and her mom takes care of it for her. Just the other day my boss ran to the bookstore to buy her daughter's books for a modern lit class. Shouldn't a 19 year-old be able to buy her own books????

Am I living in some alternate reality in which I will expect my child over the age of 16 to have a part-time job, pay for their own cell phone, gas, car insurance, do their own laundry, clean their room plus the rest of the house, etc.?

schmoodle · January 2011

I think I'll be middle of the road but you'd probably still think my kids would be babied. If my kid wants $ for extras that I think are frivolous, then I'll advise them to consider getting a job to pay for those things, but I won't force them to work (and if work interferes with grades, would not want them to work anymore). To me, having good grades and getting into the very best college possible outweighs responsibility that I think can be learned a bit older (and admittedly in my and DH's family academic achievement is stressed more than typical families). I barely worked before college (worked at Blockbuster for a couple months until it made it too hard to finish schoolwork) and didn't work in college except summers and I consider myself pretty responsible and self sufficient. I'd like kids to contribute some around the house (take turns doing dishes, taking out trash) but wouldn't force them to do yardwork, regular serious chores or clean the entire house/vacuum. As long as their room was livable, I don't care if it's messy.

I'm coming from a unique perspective though in that my mom never, ever MADE me do anything - because she was hardly ever around. She was a single mom working as an attorney with very long hours and we pretty much fended for ourselves. So, we did our own dishes, laundry, etc., not because my mom told us we had to but because that's the only way they got done. But I never was "taught" financial responsibility, my mom gave me $ for what I wanted (I had her credit card at 15 to use for when I "needed" it), I didn't work, etc.

So in reaction to that, I (a) believe that financial responsibility and lack of entitlement is something you don't need forced upon you to learn, and (b) want to do more for my kids on a day to day basis than was done for me. I'll still teach him to do laundry and stuff on his own and balance a checkbook for when he's independent, but no, don't plan to make him do stuff like that as a teen unless I see it becoming necessary.

mrsolsenk12 · January 2011

I see so many teens this way and it drives me crazy. I am like you and will expect Hayden to be able to do things. Heck he helps pick up his toys and unload the dishwasher at 20 months! If mom and dad solve every problem and every issue they never learn. I got a p/t job at 16 and while my mom legally bought me a car at 17, I made every single payment and she "gifted" the car to me once it was paid off. I did chores around the house, I paid for my own gas, and if I would have had a cell phone, I would have paid for that as well. Not making your teens be responsible is irresponsible of the parents.

emmyloustu · January 2011

itsmevkb:
I work with a ton of women who have high-schoolers and college age kids and am endlessly frustrated by how babied these kids are. The don't work, their parents bought them a car, pay the insurance and for gas, give them money to go out on the weekends, pay their cell phone bills, do their laundry and basically don't make them do any household chores because "school is their job."

My boss just had her oldest go to college and I swear the daughter calls everyday with some new drama and her mom takes care of it for her. Just the other day my boss ran to the bookstore to buy her daughter's books for a modern lit class. Shouldn't a 19 year-old be able to buy her own books????

Am I living in some alternate reality in which I will expect my child over the age of 16 to have a part-time job, pay for their own cell phone, gas, car insurance, do their own laundry, clean their room plus the rest of the house, etc.?

AMEN! This is part of what I judge some parents for. I am 100% with you on this one. It is our job as parents to prepare our children for the real world. You do your children a SERIOUS disservice by spoiling them, babying them, fighting their battles etc...

My mom had high expectations and I am so thankful that she did even though at the time I thought she was so mean. Other moms that she works with that had kids at the same time always told her she was expecting too much of me, mean etc... They were more the type to baby their kids. Now, they tell her they wish they had been more like her because their kids are 30 y/o and still living at home.

howleyshell · January 2011

See the 15 yr old in my siggy?

I could write a BOOK about my step-son and this subject. It's HARD to be a step mom sometimes!

I'd like to do a bunch of things different with our 2 younger ones and feel like we already are.

When I met DH my DSS was 5. He still wasn't clearing his plate from the dinner table or cleaning up his own toys. DH needed some help seeing that he was growing up and needing more responsibility. My kids both started clearing their places at 2 and DH is amazed at how happy they are to do not only that but they WANT to set the table, help unload the dishwasher, load laundry into the washer, etc.

The 4 yr old got a responsibility magnet chart (by Melissa and Doug) for Christmas and DH is stunned that the 3 yr old is as into it as the 4 yr old is. At this age they WANT responsibilities and to feel like they accomplish things and do them well! DH thought it was akin to giving them a lump of coal in their stockings.

I have to say that we have an insanely good 15 yr old who only a few months ago realized that all parents are idiots. I thought he'd hit that stage much younger. He's 15 and still comes downstairs every night wanting to play cards with DH and I. I think we're lucky in that regard so I'll TRY to let DH talk some sense into me about what's worth making a battle and what's not BUT....

My 2 younger ones will have MUCH more responsibility than my 15 yr old.

I'm hoping that DH and I can strike a good balance between the 2 of us.

BUT.... just like with them as babies I'm sure there's a huge long list of things I think I'll "never" do and I'll end up eating those words.

BoxTer · January 2011

Well, I work in higher ed and I see this type of thing often - parents calling to schedule appointments for their kids, coming to the appointments with them, choosing their classes, etc. Makes me cringe because when N is college-aged (hell, before then), she will be the one to do those things herself! I don't think these parents are doing their kids any favors, just delaying them from becoming self-sufficient.

However, I do intend to help N out as much as I can financially while she's in school. I want her to work part-time in the summer and if she can swing it with her courseload, but I really do want her to focus on school. I had a scholarship that covered some of my tuition, but my parents paid for everything else for me (car, insurance, dorm, sorority dues, etc) and in exchange, I did well academically. If N does go to school and isn't being serious about it, then I might have to renegotiate the terms of our agreement, but I don't think helping a kid out financially necessarily means he/she won't be successful.

sommerrayne · January 2011

I think the whole point of my parenting is that within 6 months of their highschool graduation, they're able to move out, negotiate the world, find a place to live, continue their education (or whatever they choose to do however college would be my preference), manage their money, work a job to support themselves, have the skills to interacte effectively with people in easy and challenging situations, etc.

I parent this way starting today (from birth). Its hard! Its hard to know that these 1st stepping stones of teaching autonomy/independance and going through these power struggles have a PURPOSE in the grand spectrum of life.

My goal is to give them a good base (book knowledge, experiential knowledge, "blessings" of a few skinned knees along the way, real-life consequences, maintaining consistancy, and being a place for truth, honesty and clarity) and strong roots (modeling healthy behavior, having a set of healthy relationships with ppl I allow into my life, showing what "living with passion and purpose" is like through my everyday actions, etc) and then giving them wings (the hardest part is letting go and nudging them out of the nest knwoing you've given them what they need for that first flight) and being a soft but not unrealistic place for them to land when life is harsh.

GuitaristsGirl · January 2011

I don't think that "responsibility" must be shown through a child's ability to pay for things. I definitely expect my child to help around the house, pick up his toys, and be an active, participating, and contributing member of the family (i.e. help do the family laundry, not just their own) -- in other words, in my opinion, I expect him to be "responsible."

But I fully intend for DH and I to financially provide him with everything we think he "needs" while he is our dependent - this will include his tuition, will most likely include a car (of our choosing - nothing fancy) and car insurance, and we'll deal with the cell phone issue when the time comes.

We expect our children to go to high school and college, and for school (first) and extracurriculars (second) to be their "jobs." We will evaluate on a case by case basis whether a job fits into that or not. I always had a job in the summers and over Christmas break; DH didn't have a summer job as he had twice-daily football practice. He ended up getting football scholarships, so I think that was "fair" We will also put limits on their spending - if they want something we deem extravagant or etc., then we'll figure out a way for them to pay for it.

Now, all that said, I think (right or wrong) that there might be a difference between boys and girls! My sister and I never "needed" a ton of spending money - not sure how it works when you have a boy who wants to take a girl out on a date (eeek!)

pamela-matt · January 2011

I guess you don't want to hear about the call I had today. I work in a high school nurses office. I had a mom call me wanting me to excuse her pregnant teenager because she is tired in her first trimester and does not feel like getting up for school in the morning. Then the mom told me she would probably raise the baby the entire child's life. I have a teen and he has a job, does sports, and school. The time away does impact his grades but so do the CHOICES he makes. He is now paying the price. We do provide for him the extra stuff but we also don't hesitate to tell him we cannot afford something or he needs to do something on his own. If I tell him to bring down laundry and he does not then he has to do it himself...end of story. I guess I am middle of the road too

PrincessShay80 · January 2011

My parents bought me a brand new car when I was 16 , again when I was 18 and again after I graduated college, they always paid for the insurance, and paid for gas- I never abused it, I appreciated how good I had it, because I knew at any minute my parents could take it all away. I got my first job the summer after I graduated high school before going off to college. In college my parents paid for everything, except going out fun money- so I had to save money over the summer to pay for going out in college- I also worked over Xmas break- but I never worked during school. My parents rule was I would be a student while I was a student- I had my entire life to work.

I will do the same with DD- as long as she's getting good grades and is a good kid- I see nothing wrong with spoiling your kids a little.

LVBlvd · January 2011

I was babied, and probably still am. My mom and I talk probably 3-4 times a day, my dad takes me out to dinner if DH is out of town or working late, he will fill up my car if he sees I am low on gas, etc. My parents help me out a lot with my kids.

I will probably be the same way with mine.

Now - if I got in trouble at school, my parents weren't the type to blame the teacher.

But yes, most would say I am babied and will probably say my kids are babied. And I don't care : )

mommyof4boys · January 2011

I have a 13 year old. I will buy him a used car, pay for his insurance, etc. He is going to school and playing sports. When he is 16-17 I would expect him to do exactly what he is doing now. His job will be school. I ended up with scholorships for academics when I went to college. I wouldn't expect him to hold a job and pay his bills unless he wants to hold a job. I wouldn't expect him to pay his own way until he is out of college.

smilee · January 2011

Oh dear God, I could write a novel about this.

As a teacher of teens, let's just say I know more about what I WON'T do than what I will.

If I had to sum it up: I will make sure to let my son be his own person. Which means, making his own mistakes and dealing with the consequences. I will not swoop in and blame everyone under the sun when my child is at fault. I will try as hard as I can to turn those mistakes into teachable moments, but ultimately HE has to decide if he will learn from them. I see so many kids that I FEAR for when they go off on their own to college. I swear, their parents will be calling their professors asking them to excuse their kid for not doing his homework.

I will also make sure to be involved in my son's life. It is amazing how much parent involvement drops off at the middle school level. PArents are not invovled in the PTA, they don't as readily come for parent teacher conferences, etc. I think many parents think that kids are on auto-pilot at this point and that could not be further than the truth. In some ways, I think a case could be made that being a SAHM at this point could be even more important.

If you start something- finish it. I don't care if you joined the track team and you don't like it. You made a commitment; honor it. So get on your damn shorts and go run your a$$ off! ( I do feel very strongly about this).

I don't want to be my child's friend. I think this is the kiss of death.

My kid BETTER be a reader. Just kidding. Kind of.

LisaandBryan · January 2011

LVBlvd:

I was babied, and probably still am. My mom and I talk probably 3-4 times a day, my dad takes me out to dinner if DH is out of town or working late, he will fill up my car if he sees I am low on gas, etc. My parents help me out a lot with my kids.

I will probably be the same way with mine.

Now - if I got in trouble at school, my parents weren't the type to blame the teacher.

But yes, most would say I am babied and will probably say my kids are babied. And I don't care : )

Ditto this. My parents did and still do a lot for me. My DH thinks they do much and he doen'st want the same for our kids. I somewhat agree although I think I will baby them.

Cassian · January 2011

When I was growing up, I got everything that I wanted. We took family vacations at least twice a year. I got a brand new car for my 16th birthday and even though I had a part time job after school, they still paid for my insurance, some gas, cell phone bill (till I was 23), and I even had a credit card my parents paid for to build my credit. I had the fist 4 years of my college expenses paid for, and after I was hit and my car totaled, I was bought another new car. As long as I was in full time college and living at home, I didn't have to have a job. My parents put a huge priority on academic acheivement. They always told me that someday I would be out on my own and I would need to learn how to survive.

I grew up, not with an attitude of entitlement, but a hard working self sufficient financially responsible adult. I saw how hard my dad worked, and even though I was handed everything, I learned what it was to work for what you wanted by watching them. I learned the satisfaction of a job well done, and unlike a lot of 'rich kids', I learned to respect money. I am by no means rich in my adult life, but anything we want, we work our butts off for to have, and we make it happen.

There is a very fine line with raising children with a lot just given to them. My parents found that balance. Most these days do not.

PrincessShay80 · January 2011

LVBlvd:

I was babied, and probably still am. My mom and I talk probably 3-4 times a day, my dad takes me out to dinner if DH is out of town or working late, he will fill up my car if he sees I am low on gas, etc. My parents help me out a lot with my kids.

I will probably be the same way with mine.

Now - if I got in trouble at school, my parents weren't the type to blame the teacher.

But yes, most would say I am babied and will probably say my kids are babied. And I don't care : )

I'm so happy to hear that someone else talks to their mom a lot- I talk or text or skype with my mom at least 2 to 3 times per day. My mom has flown to Vegas on a whim, just becasue she misses me. When we lived in the same town my mom would buy my groceries and take me shopping- not becasue she had to, becasue she wanted to. We plan trips to see eachother every 3 months, and my mom still takes me shopping and insists on taking me grocery shopping when she's here. We even go on vacation with my parents and my sister and BIL every year- my parents bought a condo in Mexico big enough for everyone- just so we could all be together on vacation.

I love that my parents want to be close and spoil us even as adults, and now they get to spoil their grandkids. I may not have to worry about buying my kid a car, because grandma and grandpa will beat me to it!!!

emmyloustu · January 2011

LVBlvd:
I was babied, and probably still am. My mom and I talk probably 3-4 times a day, my dad takes me out to dinner if DH is out of town or working late, he will fill up my car if he sees I am low on gas, etc. My parents help me out a lot with my kids.

My mom and I are like this too, now, but she certainly wasn't when I was a teenager. We are the best of friends today, but she was not my "friend" or over indulgent when I was a teen. I think there is a big difference between doing for your adult children and spoiling your teens.

BoilerSuz · January 2011

Schmoodle said it well!

For DS academic achievements are his job. DH and I fully expect to support DS through all of undergrad and a graduate program be it law school or a masters etc. I never worked,DH never worked, DS will only be allowed to work in the summer if it doesn't interfere with school. I don't believe in an allowance, you shouldn't be paid for doing chores as part of a family.Chores correlate to amount of school work/ eca time. Now if he wants to rake all the leaves instead of his third - I'd happily pay for that! However, DS will have spending money and activities paid for as needed. We are huge believers in financial education. It's likely we'll slowly start putting XX amount into a checking account to help him start learning to paying his own bills.

Yes, we had it "easy" growing up but both of us are well aware and extremely grateful. It worked for us as teen we'll see how it works for DS.

cjsbdl · January 2011

I have no idea!!!

The thing I want to focus on with my kids in those years is teaching them to understand how decisions they make now affect their future SO profoundly, helping them to build a healthy level of self-respect (particularly for my daughter, since I feel this was so important for me in terms of avoiding unhealthy relationships, teenage sex, etc), and teaching them how to be respectful human beings who care about their world and the people around them.

I'm not so worried about the financial stuff...I figure what you do (buy them a car vs. don't buy them a car, pay for tuition vs. don't pay for tuition, etc) is far less important than the attitude with which you do it. I guess I feel this way because DH and I had very different upbringings in this respect (his family was very comfortable financially and he had a lot of advantages...mine was not), but we are both hard-working people who respect our families and how they raised us.

emmyloustu · January 2011

Sorry, but I totally disagree with the whole "school is their job" argument!

I went to an elite private high school, the academic program was rigorous and it was expected that you participate in extra curriculars as well. I worked my butt off in school, was an honor roll student, took AP classes, won a college scholarship and earned enough college credit to graduate a year early from undergrad, I ran track, volunteered for a youth group and worked at a local hospital in their cafeteria. I also managed friends and a normal social life. I had to learn quickly how to balance my time and my priorities. Working part time was the norm at my high school - no matter your income level or social status.

I feel I learned a great deal during that time and it only helped better prepare me for life in the real world. My parents and teachers had high expectations for me and we will for Eliza as well.

That said, I don't think every child is capable of it. The student I tutored for the past four years was simply not capable of maintaining that type of schedule. His ADHD would have made it impossible. He went to school, went to tennis and then was tutored 3 hours per night and on Sunday mornings.

Anyway, just my 2 cents!

kamcfarlane · January 2011

emmyloustu:
Sorry, but I totally disagree with the whole "school is their job" argument!
I went to an elite private high school, the academic program was rigorous and it was expected that you participate in extra curriculars as well. I worked my butt off in school, was an honor roll student, took AP classes, won a college scholarship and earned enough college credit to graduate a year early from undergrad, I ran track, volunteered for a youth group and worked at a local hospital in their cafeteria. I also managed friends and a normal social life. I had to learn quickly how to balance my time and my priorities. Working part time was the norm at my high school - no matter your income level or social status.
I feel I learned a great deal during that time and it only helped better prepare me for life in the real world. My parents and teachers had high expectations for me and we will for Eliza as well.
That said, I don't think every child is capable of it. The student I tutored for the past four years was simply not capable of maintaining that type of schedule. His ADHD would have made it impossible. He went to school, went to tennis and then was tutored 3 hours per night and on Sunday mornings.
Anyway, just my 2 cents!

kamcfarlane · January 2011

emmyloustu:

Sorry, but I totally disagree with the whole "school is their job" argument!

I went to an elite private high school, the academic program was rigorous and it was expected that you participate in extra curriculars as well. I worked my butt off in school, was an honor roll student, took AP classes, won a college scholarship and earned enough college credit to graduate a year early from undergrad, I ran track, volunteered for a youth group and worked at a local hospital in their cafeteria. I also managed friends and a normal social life. I had to learn quickly how to balance my time and my priorities. Working part time was the norm at my high school - no matter your income level or social status.

I feel I learned a great deal during that time and it only helped better prepare me for life in the real world. My parents and teachers had high expectations for me and we will for Eliza as well.

That said, I don't think every child is capable of it. The student I tutored for the past four years was simply not capable of maintaining that type of schedule. His ADHD would have made it impossible. He went to school, went to tennis and then was tutored 3 hours per night and on Sunday mornings.

Anyway, just my 2 cents!

this. my parents expected academic excellence (to the extent of our abilities) as well as extracurriculars and working. they bought a car for me to use when i turned 16 and when i went to college, my sister got it. i paid for half of my insurance. i was expected to clean the entire house with my sister on the weekends (both of my parents worked) and was given a very small allowance to do so (half of which went into savings).

my parents paid for $4,000 of my room/board a year. when i got a job as an RA (which was a very, very time consuming job where i went), they still gave me the $4,000 and i used it for tuition. i paid for law school 100% on my own (through loans). i hate having student loans and i'm hoping to help my kids avoid that because i know how hard it can be to get on top of things when you have so much debt.

itsmevkb · January 2011

emmyloustu:

Sorry, but I totally disagree with the whole "school is their job" argument!

I went to an elite private high school, the academic program was rigorous and it was expected that you participate in extra curriculars as well. I worked my butt off in school, was an honor roll student, took AP classes, won a college scholarship and earned enough college credit to graduate a year early from undergrad, I ran track, volunteered for a youth group and worked at a local hospital in their cafeteria. I also managed friends and a normal social life. I had to learn quickly how to balance my time and my priorities. Working part time was the norm at my high school - no matter your income level or social status.

I agree! I've been working since I was 12 (babysitting after school everyday and a paper route and at age 15 a 20 hour a week job at a shoe store) and NEVER had a problem getting good grades, doing extra school stuff and having time for friends.

When I was in college I worked a job at school and worked at the shoe store on weekends. When I hear parents say how their kids just don't have time to work I think oh please, it's not because of school.

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