DH Family thinks I'm making up special needs for preemie
DD is gearing up to come home from the NICU, so I took my Discharge class ... DH family is already giving me grief about not wanting house guests ( we had a huge blow up) I'm sorry I just lost and birthed a child that is still in the hospital. I'm pumping and I don't want 5 people here for that.
We live 9 hours away from home and we plan to keep DD here untill at the very least Easter. Trying to get out of FLU and RSV season before we take her home to visit everyone.
Then I heard that they are all complaining amongst themselves talking about how it's ridiculous and i didn't *HAVE* to take a class before they would let the baby come home with me. And once she comes home se is just like every other baby.
She is coming home a full month before her Due date , no she is not like very other baby . She is still developing and yes My hospital MADE me take a 1 hour refresher course on CPR and Choking for infants. Why b/c she sometimes forgets to breath and do all the other things she has to do.
I know I'm venting but how do you deal wit people that act like they know more about taking care of your preemie than you do, and criticize you for it ?
Re: DH Family thinks I'm making up special needs for preemie
My MIL and FIL are the same way- they didn't understand why we didn't want people over, didn't want people holding her and were just generally more exhausted and sensitive than other parents. Now that she's bigger they don't understand why she's late to walk and talk- "she wasn't THAT premature!!!!"- and why with this pregnancy I'm walking on eggshells and avoiding situations that stress me out (them) bring me into contact with germs (them) and keep me from being able to relax and enjoy the last few months (them).
Do what you have to do for your baby. Blame everything on the doctor and (especially if you can get your doctor on side) have them come for an appointment so a medical professional can explain to them all the ways in which your daughter is not a regular baby now that she's home. We got a great hand out called something along the lines of "Why your late term baby is still a preemie" and it listed all the development she missed in utero, why building the remaining parts of her brain while dealing with the stimulation of the outside world is not ideal, and what she can potentially face down the road- it got put up on the fridge of MIL and FIL to see when they visit.
I also recommend getting them some reading (even if it's just links) on what challenges a preemie faces, RSV, statistics about illness and preemies- anything you can to make them see that a preemie baby is *that* much more fragile and that being diligent (or even militant) about their health and well being is your job as her parent. GL. (((((HUGS))))) ILs are the WORST!!!
House guests? With a baby just released from the hospital let alone a preemie just out of the NICU - oh hell no! If this caused a huge blow up, you can't trust those people to be anywhere near your LO.
We're a couple months from thinking about our LO coming home but I have started prepping my family - letting them know there will be no smokers touching him (meaning my dad and sister who are now looking into smoking cessation), warning them that we won't be attending family events with him for awhile, etc. I'm also thinking of doing a preemptive Thank You party for our family and friends right before he comes home - get a chance to thank everyone who has been so supportive but while Kevin is still in the NICU and away from the germs.
I absolutely don't give a damn what anyone thinks - they can think I'm nuts - all I care about is that my son is healthy. If they don't understand, I can't trust them to take the necessary precautions so they probably shouldn't be around him anyway.
good luck and congratulations on reaching the home stretch! I look forward to being there in a couple of months.
My family are ok now that he is home and respect my needs and his needs, but when he was still in the hospital everyone was trying to give me advice that drove me nuts. I have 2 boys at home that I was away from for 10 days, and I missed them, but then I had a baby in the hospital that was an hours drive from our home. I couldn't be at two places at once, and that upset me.
The problem was though, that if I said i was fine, they didn't believe me, and if I said I wasn't fine they were all waiting for me to jump off the first bridge I came to. They kept telling me not to wear myself out and do what is good for me, well, nothing was good for me, I have 3 kids, and I couldn't be with them all at once. I had a baby that was being fed by people I didn't know, and I didn't get to spend enough time with them. They were trying to treat it like a normal situation, like the baby was in his room, not in a hospital 60kms away. And when I said I was worried about this or that, they just blew it off, or when I said that the nurses suggested this or that, they stuck their nose up, and said "easy for them to say"
I know this rant doesn't make a whole lot of sense, sorry to blow up on your post.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. My MIL seriously almost got punched in the face by me, no joke. She has let TWO random people (one that I don't even know!) hold one of my sons. The first time (the complete stranger) was the day after Taylen was released from the NICU! (this happened at the dr office, MIL works there)
All I can say is I know how you feel. I have no advice for you though. I'm about to punch the lady. Hopefully you are more mild-mannered than I am!
I've seen some preemie moms email out a letter to family and friends explaining the situation. I took a letter from another preemie mom and tweaked it to my needs at the start of flu season just explaining why we'd be having some restrictions over the winter.
Here's what I posted to my blog in Nov of 2009. Our family and friends were very receptive to it and I know some of my freinds appreciated learning more about RSV since it isn't too well known outside of the preemie world. I hope it helps and sorry your family is being so insensitive:
As everyone in the US is freaking out about the H1N1, I?ve got a bigger concern in my head - RSV. While we are taking all precautions against swine flu, you probably know as much as I do about it so I?m not going to elaborate. Most people, however, have not heard of RSV, which stands for respiratory syncytial virus. Almost every child has it by the age of 2 and for full-term babies, RSV typically isn't any worse than a common cold, but for preemies, RSV is quite serious. Babies born earlier than 36 weeks are at the highest risk for serious complications from RSV such as bronchiolitis, pneumonia, and other sometimes fatal complications. Also, many babies that develop severe cases of RSV suffer from asthma for the rest of their lives.
A&E are extremely healthy 6 month olds so sometimes it is easy to forget that they fit the highest risk category for RSV ? they were born premature, are multiples and had E had low birth weight. They will remain in this high risk group for their entire first year of life until their lungs and immune system mature more.
Preventing the spread of RSV is very difficult, so although we want all of you to get to see the girls, we're going to have to be extremely vigilant about keeping them safe during RSV season (now through April). The virus is spread through physical contact, in the air via a cough or sneeze, or by touching an infected object. It can live as long as six hours on hands and up to twelve hours on objects and it spreads very easily, especially from child to child. Studies have also shown that infants pose an even higher risk of spreading RSV to others.
I?ve heard a lot of people say, ?They need to fight it off and build up their immune system? Kids need to get sick, right? Kids are supposed to get exposed to these things ? mine always were and they were fine? The simple answer is NO. Since our babies were pre-term, they did not acquire the necessary immunities to fight off infection. If they contract RSV, they could be hospitalized and develop one of the complications mentioned above.
In order to try to prevent A&E from getting RSV, H1N1, or any other illness, our doctors recommend that all visitors follow these guidelines when coming to see them, most importantly between now and April:
1. When you arrive, please wash your hands and use hand-sanitizer. Make sure to get some soap or sanitizer under your nail beds.
2. If you are a close relative who could potentially visit often, please get a flu shot.
3. Please refrain from coming over if you are sick and have not been symptom-free for at least 5 days, if you live with someone who is sick, or have been in close contact with someone who is sick. This means if you have the sniffles or a slight cough, you could be contagious. What isn?t serious to you, could be a serious illness for the girls.
4. If you smoke, we ask that you change your clothing and refrain from smoking prior to visiting, as a preemie?s lungs are very sensitive to smoke. Most RSV sites recommend against passive smoke exposure.
5. If you are parents to a baby or toddler, please refrain from bringing them to our house during RSV season,
If you?ve made it this far- thank you! Anyone that knows me, knows that in general I am not a germophobe or a worry wart - just a mom on a mission to keep my daughters healthy. This is really important to me and that is why I am sharing it with you, the people that I want to spend time with and that I want A&E to spend time with.
I pretty much told them that it is not their child and it is not their decision. I reminded them that I am the one who works with her pedi to determine what is best for DD and if they cared half as much as they claimed to, they would accept my conditions. Yup, they all think I'm a b!tch but I am a b!tch with a healthy, happy 8 month old.
The letter idea may help, but I'm going to ask since no one else has: where's your DH on this? It's his family. He should be the one talking about this with them, not you. You can talk to your mom in a certain way as an 'insider' in your family about how and why things have to be a certain way; when you're the speaker to the ILs, they treat you like you're the crazy one and you're an outsider.
Make DH take a firm stance with them. If he's on their side, make him go to the doc with you so that he can hear it firsthand from the doc. Light a fire under his arse - this is his child! You and he are ALL this child has for protection. Try to make DH do the big discussions with his family.
At the end of the day, we've all been called paranoid or crazy by someone (family, ILs, friends, strangers). It's something that sucks every time but you grow to discount anyone else's opinion eventually b/c they don't love your child like you do and in the end, you're their first and sometimes only line of defense. Stand strong and proud, mama. YOU (and DH if he's informed and involved like you) make the rules.
Yes, yes, yes. I complete relate to everything you said in your post and have had extremely similar experiences with my inlaws. For some reason, despite numerous conversations about our daughter's fragile immune system and how she's not "like every other baby now," we are still portrayed as the extreme, crazy, worry-wart parents.
Now that we're almost at her one year birthday and are still experiencing this, looking back, I wish I would've done the following: sent an email to our friends and family when she was discharged detailing exactly what our daughter's medical team told us. Specifically...
1) Stimulation, noise, bright lights, etc. need to be kept to a bare minimum for the first three months she's home. (No cameras flashing in her face!!)
2) Also for the first three months, we need to follow NICU rules-- strict handwashing and limited visitors.
3) Absolutely no smoking around the baby or people who have recently smoked.
4) Absolutely no sick people or people who have had symptoms in the past week (for the first YEAR).
5) In the first three months-- no crowded places (grocery stores, church, etc.)
Also, I would've told people that even though she may look like a "normal" baby now, her immune system and lungs are still very underdeveloped. Also, in our case, she is a person who is recovering from a lot of trauma-- heart surgery, multiple brain injuries, etc., etc. We would never expect an adult who went through those things to come home from the hospital and be "just like everyone else." Please!
Good luck with your family and don't cave to their ridiculous demands. Your first priority is the safety of your child and I promise, for as much hassle as dealing with the inlaws is, you will sleep great at night if you stick to your guns and do what your gut tells you. Good luck!
Let them think you are crazy, but don't let them make you second guess yourself. You know better than anyone else what your baby needs. To heck with their opinions.
We had a 35 weeker so we heard all of it.
"He wasn't that early."
"4 1/2 lbs isn't that small."
"He's just like any other baby once he's out of the NICU."
"You have to let him get sick to build up his immune system!"
They thought we were totally overprotective and making things up. Our NICU allowed no visitors, so even grandparents didn't meet him until he was over a week old. When we came home we only had well, adult visitors and very few at that. We went no where but the doctor until May 1 (end of RSV season in our area) and none of his cousins met him until then. He was 6 months. We got the cold shoulder from DH's siblings for not letting their kids meet him until then. They refused to see him until their kids were welcome to come along. Their loss!
Even with all of our precautions DS got RSV at 4 months. We did everything right and he still got it. So as much as everyone wants to call me crazy, that is the proof that you can't be too careful. Luckily DS came through it well. I can tell you though, it is the last thing you want when you get out of the hospital. You don't want to have the threat of going back!! Trust your instincts and your doctors and everyone else can just get happy in the same pants they got mad in!
Owen Matthew 11/1/2009 4lbs 10oz 16.5in
Born 5 weeks early by C/S | Severe Pre-Eclampsia
BFP #2 5/1/2011 | M/C @ 7 weeks | D&C 5/25/2011
TTC #2 | HSG Clear | SA 2% Morph otherwise great
3 failed Femara/TI cycles moving on to IUI
Wow. What can you tell someone like that to straighten them out?! I'm not sure. Try having your DH talk to them. No matter what you do, stick to what you believe is best for your LO and your family.
Thank you Ladies so much for all of your support and advice.
The blow up was becasue of an email we sent out ( we had twins and lost on of our daughters at 24 weeks, my grief counselor told us to set some ground rules for the next couple of months) in the first place asking that we have no more than 2 visitors, no one under 18 no smoking no dogs.
DH father and mother in law had set out without asking to come up the day after my girls were born , with 2 boys 16 and 13 and a dog.... we told them there simply wasnt room b/c we had a visitor already and my mom had set out the same way.
Then we sent the letter out. They were "deeply offended" and " they would not burden us with visits anymore" they are irrational and we haven't talked to that particular family since before Christmas. But we have since found out that she an RN is telling other family members that i'm just over reacting and trying to keep them away.
My Husband is appauled with them and supports me 100% except with his mother ( he wants her to be able to visit) and I can understand, she is the only one i would consider it with but I just don't want people here.... not while we are learning things and while i'm dealing with all his other familys garbage .
I'm sorry you ladies are having the same kind of problems we are. Family of all people should be supportive at times like this.
My NICU nurses offered to write up a list of our "rules" for me to hand out to family members. We have a lot of the same stuff- no one can hold Scarlette for awhile, only grandparents, and all visitors must have the flu/pertussis shots first. No kids under 18 visiting and we'll be quarantined at home til June. They didn't want anyone but grandparents holding her for the first YEAR b/c of her chronic lung disease.I'm like, do you think I CHOSE this? Don't you think it pains me that I can't show off my baby to friends/family like a normal mommy?
Maybe you could see if your nurses would do something like that? Maybe if it looks all "official" rather than coming from you, that will help. I know there have been several times that family members have acted like I'm just being controlling but when the NURSE says something to them, then it's like, THE WORD. It's really annoying but I'm grateful to the nurses for advocating for us.
Sorry you're dealing with that