What to do for a friend who had a miscarriage?

Emily and Martin · January 2011

Just before Christmas a friend from our playgroup canceled a playdate she was hosting for an 'minor medical procedure.' I wrote her an email saying to let me know if I could help with anything, and she replied saying she would explain when she saw me after the new year since it was still pretty raw.

I suspected a miscarriage, but hoped I was wrong. Today she thanked me for my message at the time and told me that it was, in fact, a miscarriage.

My question is, what, if anything, should I do or say to her? I told her I was so sorry when she told me, but then the LO's came over and we had to tend to them so that was pretty much all that was said. I don't want her to think I don't care, but I also don't want to cause her more pain, KWIM?

Sorry to post and run, but I have to take DD to music class. But I'll be back on later to check responses.

Thanks ladies!

meg1974 · January 2011

If you want to do something simple, you could send her a nice note/sympathy card letting her know to contact you if she needs anything. If you want to get a gift, a gift card to a restaurant or spa is always nice. I guess what you do depends on how close you are to her.

luvdv8 · January 2011

A nice note with a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates is nice. Also, an offer to go out for a movie or some shopping will help her get out the house- I know form experience with that kind of pain that you'd rather just lay in bed.

liseylou · January 2011

I think sending a card is a nice idea. I know I felt like everyone was more comfortable pretending it had not happened and I felt really alone. Let her know you are there to listen, and then if she wants to talk, just listen. There really is nothing you can do/say to make her feel better, just let her get it all out to you if she chooses too. The fact that she waited to tell people though makes me think she is more comfortable dealing with this herself.

jday1229 · January 2011

Personally, I didn't want any extra attention paid to my MC so I don't recommend a card, but it's personal and really just depends. Gifts always seem weird to me, like "Sorry your baby died, here, go have a massage." I know the intentions are good, but still odd to me.

9/13/08 · January 2011

Just let her know you are there for her if she needs you. Do not tell her it was not meant to be or it was Gods will, when I miscarried it drove me nuts when people said that to me and it seems like everyone said that.

MrsPatterson · January 2011

I think a card is a nice idea, but I wouldn't recommend giving a bottle of wine as a PP suggested. I had a m/c and for me, wine would have been a reminder that I shouldn't be allowed to be drinking but I could because I wasn't pg anymore. More than gifts and cards though, it's just really important that you continue to be there for her. Ask her how she's doing and listen to her if she wants to talk about it. I felt incredibly isolated after my m/c because everyone was either saying very insensitive things or avoided the topic entirely.

The key is to not just let this go after a week and go back to business as usual. Other people move on so quickly, but this is something she'll be dealing with for a while, and it helps to know that other people still remember and care about her pain. I will never forget how my cousin sent me a card around the time my baby was supposed to be born. The fact that she remembered touched me deeply.

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