Would this bug you? [Longish]

tabi_ja · January 2011

This actually happened over the holidays, but I just can't let it go. I need some insight as to whether or not I'm overreacting.

DH has an aunt who lives in town. She watches Miles about once a month in the evening so we can have a date night. It has been lovely. She's been doing this regularly since she moved to town last April, and she refuses to let us pay her, which is even better.

Anyhow, in the course of conversation, DH's aunt tells me that once while she was baby-sitting and Miles was teething, she put vodka on his gums. And then didn't tell me about it. I was furious, but didn't say anything right away because DH announced dinner, and the whole subject got dropped.

I've talked with DH, and he doesn't feel like it was a big deal - we'll just ask her not to do it in the future, and she won't. But what bugs me is that she didn't tell us about it, and now I feel like I can't trust her to watch Miles. Am I being ridiculous? Or should I stick to my guns and only allow supervised visits for awhile?

Que*Syrah · January 2011

yeah, i would be furious. given the number of times older people/relatives have suggested whiskey on the gums to me, i firmly believe people used to do this all the time. i would NOT be ok with it though!

axr8111 · January 2011

Ok, this is totally wrong, but we need to keep in mind that this is something that was common many years ago to do. So she wasn't keeping a secret of something awful from you like say putting vodka in his bottle or something. She probably just mentioned it as an aside not realizing how much things have changed in the baby world since she had kids (or were around babies). This is not the worst thing ever and her intent was not to harm your child. I do think you need to talk to her about not giving your child any meds or really anything to eat or drink that isn't on your list of meals but I don't think this something that would require supervised visits only. So have a talk with her about your expectations and concerns with this and I'm sure she will apologize and agree not to do anything like this again.

NathsPrncssD · January 2011

Hmmm...I think that I would be upset too. I am kind of overprotective about my DD at times. But, since she did it to help your DS, I would just let it go. If she did something like, gave him a pickle to try to see what his expression would be or let him cry in his crib when she fell asleep on the couch or something, then definitely, I wouldn't trust her. And, like the PP said, it was something that people used to do. I would probably feel the same way you do! But, I think as long as you trusted her prior, you can trust her again. Good luck! Oh, and I love your son's name!

MAprincess · January 2011

I'd be mad. Not only that she didn't tell you but that she didn't ask beforehand. I don't care that this was what they did "back then", you'd have to be living under a rock to know that times have changed. And frankly, I wouldn't want someone watching my child who seriously was that behind the times that they wouldn't even think to ask.

That said, was this the only issue? If that is the case, I think it warrants a serious sit-down about what is acceptable and what is not. I mean, she shouldn't even administer Tylenol without an ok from you. Never mind alcohol! So, sit calmly with her. Explain what the issue is. Explain what you would consider acceptable teething relief, etc. See how that goes.

Kitten80 · January 2011

axr8111:
Ok, this is totally wrong, but we need to keep in mind that this is something that was common many years ago to do. So she wasn't keeping a secret of something awful from you like say putting vodka in his bottle or something. She probably just mentioned it as an aside not realizing how much things have changed in the baby world since she had kids (or were around babies). This is not the worst thing ever and her intent was not to harm your child. I do think you need to talk to her about not giving your child any meds or really anything to eat or drink that isn't on your list of meals but I don't think this something that would require supervised visits only. So have a talk with her about your expectations and concerns with this and I'm sure she will apologize and agree not to do anything like this again.

I agree with this. I understand why you ar upset and would be nervous, but it is a generation thing. My MIL will do things and just forget to mention them and then it comes up later and it is things that we don't do now. I would give her a list of appropriate actions for things like teething and ask her to call if she has a question in the future.

I think it is amazing she does that for you...DH and I have only had 1 date since DS was born.

susanmosley · January 2011

yes. That would freak me out. I probably wouldn't be pissed because although I would NEVER do that, I don't think there is any crazy long term damage. But, I would worry about whatelse she would think ok that I totally disagree with. My MIL is this way - she loves Dd, no doubt. Wants only the best for her, etc. She will do anything we ask - or ask not to do. She totally respects that - even if she disagrees. She just has different ideas of what is ok & what isn't. And there is no way I can predict the unknown. I am not quite sure how to remedy your situation though!!

healthynut · January 2011

Kitten80:
axr8111:
Ok, this is totally wrong, but we need to keep in mind that this is something that was common many years ago to do. So she wasn't keeping a secret of something awful from you like say putting vodka in his bottle or something. She probably just mentioned it as an aside not realizing how much things have changed in the baby world since she had kids (or were around babies). This is not the worst thing ever and her intent was not to harm your child. I do think you need to talk to her about not giving your child any meds or really anything to eat or drink that isn't on your list of meals but I don't think this something that would require supervised visits only. So have a talk with her about your expectations and concerns with this and I'm sure she will apologize and agree not to do anything like this again.
I agree with this. I understand why you ar upset and would be nervous, but it is a generation thing. My MIL will do things and just forget to mention them and then it comes up later and it is things that we don't do now. I would give her a list of appropriate actions for things like teething and ask her to call if she has a question in the future. I think it is amazing she does that for you...DH and I have only had 1 date since DS was born.

I also agree with this, stressing the part about how her intentions were to help DS. It's not like she gave him a lollipop b/c she used to give her own kids lollipops at that age and she thought it would be fun. She really did mean to help his pain. A talk and a list should do the trick. I think supervised visits would be overboard. Also, she didn't realize it was something that would upset you so much, or else she wouldn't have casually mentioned it, so I don't think she purposefully hid it from you. Therefore, I don't think trust is an issue.

littlemermaid · January 2011

I wouldn't ruin a good thing with her babysitting just because she rubbed vodka on his gums. That's what they used in her generation. She probably didn't even think twice that now there's medicine to numb the gums. Just provide her with whatever you use for teething and tell her you prefer that she not use the alcohol to numb his pain. She really meant well and I don't feel that her intentions were anything but good.

PearlieGirl'sMom · January 2011

Yes, that would bug me.. BIG TIME. But, it was common back then and maybe she still thinks so. However, she should have asked beforehand.

If you think she is receptive and would not do it again, ask her. If not, tell her. And, I might add that you wish she had asked beforehand.

Incidentally, my dad gave my sister a sip of whiskey (don't ask!) and she got up and walked across the room. Back then, giving a child a nip of alcohol I guess was not scorned on. Ugh!

ali-1411 · January 2011

No, I wouldn't be upset about that. I'd ask her not to do it again and show her how to use the Infant Orajel.

MainelyFoolish · January 2011

ali-1411:
No, I wouldn't be upset about that. I'd ask her not to do it again and show her how to use the Infant Orajel.

My feelings exactly.

She made a parenting type decision you don't agree with while he was in her care. These things happen. It's not like she gave him a bottle of vodka. She didn't endanger the life of your child.

Read2Me · January 2011

I can understand why you are upset but I would talk it over with her and then let it go. I can attest to having had Southern Comfort rubbed on my gums as a child and I turned out just fine. I would not do it but I can see why she did- she was thinking of your son and helped him in a way she knew (most likely she had done the same for her children).

Cherryblossoms07 · January 2011

axr8111:
Ok, this is totally wrong, but we need to keep in mind that this is something that was common many years ago to do. So she wasn't keeping a secret of something awful from you like say putting vodka in his bottle or something. She probably just mentioned it as an aside not realizing how much things have changed in the baby world since she had kids (or were around babies). This is not the worst thing ever and her intent was not to harm your child. I do think you need to talk to her about not giving your child any meds or really anything to eat or drink that isn't on your list of meals but I don't think this something that would require supervised visits only. So have a talk with her about your expectations and concerns with this and I'm sure she will apologize and agree not to do anything like this again.

I completely agree with this.

spring_time · January 2011

No, it wouldn't bug me. Honestly, it was a minuscule amount of alcohol. My DS probably gets that much when he takes holy communion at church.

She didn't do it with malicious intent. She didn't hide it from you purposely. She probably didn't tell you because she didn't think anything of it. As previous posters have said, it was very common practice for many, many years. I disagree that people should know better, it is one of those ingrained home remedies that actually works. Ask her not to do it again and tell her what you would prefer her to do. If she ignores your request, then you can be angry.

Mrs.Hizzo · January 2011

I would be appalled, yes, but it's not like she deliberately did something she knew you wouldn't want her to do. I agree with everyone else who says to just tell her how you want things done and let her continue sitting.

tabi_ja · January 2011

Okay. I apparently over-reacted. Thought as much.

Although, to clarify, she specifically told me that she had hid it from me because she thought it would upset me. That's the part that bugs me.

susanmosley · January 2011

tabi_ja:
Although, to clarify, she specifically told me that she had hid it from me because she thought it would upset me. That's the part that bugs me.

Yes, that is very bothersome.

leffe1 · January 2011

That is not something you do w/out consulting the parent. I would be upset. I am sure she didn't mean any harm because I think lots of people did this in the past.

ericanandy · January 2011

tabi_ja:
Okay. I apparently over-reacted. Thought as much.
Although, to clarify, she specifically told me that she had hid it from me because she thought it would upset me. That's the part that bugs me.

See this is what bothers me, because it shows that she knew/thought it could be a wrong decision... or a parenting decision she knew you wouldnt agree with........ like spanking or smacking a kids hands when they touch something you don't want them to if either of those are something your against as a parent. The smacking hands is "minor" like a "once and done vodka on gums" but things like that add up.

MAprincess · January 2011

tabi_ja:

Okay. I apparently over-reacted. Thought as much.

Although, to clarify, she specifically told me that she had hid it from me because she thought it would upset me. That's the part that bugs me.

THAT is wrong. If she knew it would bother you and did it anyway, then you need to have a serious talk with her. I'd be afraid she would do something again that she knew I wouldn't agree with.

mrsfirefly · January 2011

To be clear, did she intentionally not tell you before, as in was she hiding it? Or did she just think it was a normal thing to do so she didn't mention it? Do you trust her judgment on other things regarding DS? Do you think this is just a generational issue? If you think it's just that she's from a different generation and would never do it again, I would let her watch DS again but have a talk beforehand and leave specific written instructions in the future. I'd also be really clear that she should never medicate him in any way without getting in touch with you beforehand. While I would be livid about the vodka, I think it's also important to consider whether this might be a generational issue and whether or not she's open to adjusting her caretaking style and doing things your way. While this is bad, these types of things will happen in life and it's not as if she was really endangering him by like giving him a teaspoon of vodka. It seems to me that this was at some time a common practice, so I can excuse it somewhat.

mrsfirefly · January 2011

tabi_ja:
Okay. I apparently over-reacted. Thought as much.
Although, to clarify, she specifically told me that she had hid it from me because she thought it would upset me. That's the part that bugs me.

Actually, based on this, I probably would not feel comfortable with her babysitting again. What else might she keep from you? Transparency is important when selecting a caretaker for your children.

kacelle · January 2011

If you are certain that she wouldn't do this again if you spoke to her about it, I wouldn't let it affect your babysitting situation. I'm sure she did it with the best of intentions, and it was something that circulated as a positive remedy years ago. Although it sounds outrageous now, it doesn't sound like she was intentionally trying to hide something from you or do something to upset you. I'd have a talk with her and let her know that isn't a method you'd like her to use, maybe suggest an alternative solution to alleviate his teething pain, and ask that, in the future, she clear any treatments like that with you before doing them.

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