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best friend is pregnant- how do i deal with it?

austenreader85austenreader85 member
in TTC after 35

I have PCOS and have had trouble concieving.  DH and I originally decided to let "whatever happens, happens" after our marriage.  My cycles were always very unpredictable, and while I realized that probably wasn't normal, I just thought I had long cycles.  After two years, we began to realize there was a problem and I talked to my gynocologist and was diagnosed with PCOS.  We decided to wait another year before truly trying, realizing with PCOS we'd most likely need help.  We've been trying again since June, DH wanted to try on our own for a few months before going to a specialist.  Since then two women at my church have gotten pregnant, one who was told she'd have difficulty but then didn't and one who is a few years younger than me.  DH and I are very close to our church family, these women feel like cousins to me.  Now my best friend (also goes to our church) is pregnant, and mostly what I feel is jealousy. 

I feel all alone.  No one I know, knows what this feels like.  They've either never been pregnant or tried, or got pregnant really easily.  I want to be there for my friend, do the whole baby shower thing, but all I can think about is in 6 more months if I'm not pregnant too, will I break down at the shower?  I guess I just need a little pick me up from women who know how it feels.  Don't get me wrong, I love my BF and am happy for her.  But she's only been married 2 years and literally just started trying, so it's hard to see.  Worse yet, I"m terrified that if I can't get pregnant soon we'll drift apart as she will be more involved in her child's activities and becoming friends with other moms with children of the same age while it could be years before I can concieve, if ever. 

 

Is there some way I can let her know how I feel so she understands that if I seem distant sometimes it's not because I'm not happy for her?  I'm just so confused and full of emotions and don't want them to bubble up all over her when I try to talk to her about it.  I love her to death but she's just too optimistic for me.  She's been telling me for years "It'll happen soon for you" and it doesn't seem like she gets how long it's already been for me.

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Re: best friend is pregnant- how do i deal with it?

  • PeskyPesky member
    Big hugs to you.  She probably feels that optimism is what you need now, not a negative nelly commiserating with you.  Maybe just open up about how frustrated you are with your TTC process, how you are simultaneously overjoyed for her and jealous, wishing you could be pg too so easily, how sometimes you feel you need some space from the pg ladies when you can't partake in that experience yet and how you know she is positive because she would wish a pg for you in a heartbeat if wishing would do the trick but sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on.  She will likely understand and just feel bad that she ever caused you any pain (which is okay too).  I think she will likely look to you to guide the interaction you all have about her pg and your TTTC in the future (i.e. she might not bring up her pg or ask about your TTC efforts).  Which is okay and probably will help you all establish clearer lines of communication as you both get better ideas of what you are comfortable with.   


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    DS -- 3YO

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  • NewMrs07NewMrs07 member

    I know how you feel, we started trying a year ago and "officially", with charting and all that since this past January. Since then many women I know have gotten pg and one already delivered her baby. Your friend is just trying to be positive and hopeful for you so you can be too. Don't feel like it's not going to happen in the next 6 months, maybe it will! For you, the most important thing is to go to a fertility specialist and draw out a plan. A lot of women with PCOS need special drugs to get pg but it's not hopeless. The sooner you have a plan the better. It will take a load off your mind and that will make you enjoy your BF's pregnancy a lot more. Knowing that you're doing something about it will give you some control over the situation.

    GL and try to stay positive these next few months, you never know if it will happen for you during that time. In terms of your friend distancing herself when she has the baby, I have to tell you that it does happen. But not b/c new moms do it on purpose, they are just too busy with the baby and that's all they can think about. Don't take it too personally, if you offer to help her with the baby and babysit once in a while, I bet you'll stay close friends.

    But you might be pg soon, so don't lose hope!

    Me: 44 DH: 42. DS born healthy at 40 weeks 8/24/09. TTC since then with no luck or ART. Surprise BFP 8/6/14... MMC @ 8 weeks 4 days... Miss you everyday sweet baby angel.
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  • BluesmootheeBluesmoothee
    Just be happy for her. It's pretty simple.
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  • Lucky&LolaLucky&Lola
    I agree with pp....open up to her so she knows exactly what you're feeling.  Make sure she knows that you're happy for her, but frustrated for you.  Good luck!
    TTC #1, Cycle 22 - Jan 2009 IUI , Femara & Follistim: 7/21/09: BFN Multiple rounds of Clomid June 2012: Decided to move on to IVF after 3 more rounds of Clomid Sept 2012: Got a call from a friend asking us to adopt her baby
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  • FunnyDFunnyD

    Personally, I wouldn't tell her of your troubles or emotions at this time.  Sorry but I'm of the school that you need to be an adult and control your emotions when the timing isn't right.

     I would be happy for her.  I know she says she just started trying and only married 2 years but you only know what she tells you.  And, she may have other challenges in life.   I'm very sorry it isn't easy for you and I know I don't post that often anymore on these boards but I do believe you aren't helping your own image by using her "happy time" to tell her why her joy is bringing you even more sadness.  It's not fair and it really doesn't help your situation any.


    Be happy for her.  If she is a friend and probably understands without you saying anything.  


    Good luck in your future endeavors to grow your family.

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  • OctoberGal2007OctoberGal2007

    Oh my...I just posted about my BF being pregnant- 5 weeks prego!  She got pregnant right away and I feel envious, I am finding it hard to feel excited for her and it makes me feel AWFUL!   See my post above---you're not alone and I feel better knowing I am not alone either :)   My BF is great and I love her to death but she just go re-married to the same man- they divorced after she had an affair.  So I am like what the hell---they  just got back together 12 months ago and got re-married 6 months ago and now they're having a baby and her husband is totally freaking about it.  

    I have thought many of the same things you mentioned above-  I want to be there for my BF- I thought about the upcoming baby shower thing and how the heck I will handle it.  I cried a lot yesterday....

    I also have PCOS but I hardly ever get a AF even when I try to induce AF.  I only know 1 person who has PCOS and she lives 3000 miles away from me. 

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