unloading my guilt about DS (long)

thumper57 · January 2011

I feel guilty that I have DS (3 years) in preschool and aftercare all day , even though I work part time and can stay home with him some days. His hours there are 830 up to 6pm. The days I do not work, I am home with DD (7 months) and usually pick him up at 530.

DS who , has always been a handful for us since birth. When I say handful, I mean that he has caused us a lot of stress but me more than my husband. As an infant, DS never slept as much as other kids his age and it's still true now. He was very fussy and cried all the time. He has gone to bed at the same time as we do, since forever. So we barely have adult time. His energy and my energy level are mismatched...he is nonstop active and I end up strained and exhausted. when DS is home, I feel like I don't have a moment to myself, I cannot tend to other things that are important to me (cooking for family, keeping the house). I am not sure if anyone will understand this, but when my personal space is messy, it causes me extreme stress and I easily lose my temper (like bad mood swings on PMS) This manifests itself in the way I treat the kids and my husband too.

Before I had DD and DS was not in preschool yet, I was home with DS, I would often find my anxiety levels peaking. Often times I would find myself imagining something bad happening to him. Horrible, right? and I found myself tense and yelling at him all day, because he didn't listen well, and NEVER would nap and I was so tired. I couldn't wait until DH got home so I could get some relief.

When DD was three months, I saw that DD could not sleep with DS home because of the noise. It was hard to have a routine for her because DS needed so much attention. I also was very frustrated with ds all the time and caring for two children by myself. I was homebound because I did not want to take both kids out. I thought its too hard to control DS in public while also having DD, considering not only tantrums, but keeping him safe as well (since he runs away sometimes). So, DH and I decided to put DS in his preschool.

It has been about 4 months since then. DS loves his preschool and all the activities. He comes home more calm. I have time to cook meals for my family, my home is clean, DD is doing great on a routine. I do not have the same feelings being home with DD at all. I love staying home with DD. I find myself more calm overall and I feel like a SANE person. I am not always yelling at everybody for everything.

The problem is I feel guilty and somewhat of a failure. Why can't I stay with both of them at home without going crazy?

DH attends a night class a couple of weeks and does not get home until 830. when I have to pickup DS by 6, then we get home and I have to get them both fed dinner, bathed, and I need to put DD down to bed, I also have to feed the dogs and let them pee / poop . it is so hectic. I feel the anxiety creeping up and I have to consciously control it.

thanks for reading. is there anyone who can relate

LyndaCarter · January 2011

I absolutely can relate to this. I get every other Friday off work and I leave DD#1 in daycare every time while I have kept DD#2 home with me. I feel guilty, but I can get stuff done with DD#2 home with me. DD#1 is just too high maintenance, needy, energized, etc. for me to handle with #2, the house, errands, and so on. Don't feel guilty. He's happy. It keeps a routine going for him. Best of all, it keeps you sane and happy. You are a better mom because of this. Just keep reminding yourself of that.

robynlesley · January 2011

Hey thumper... I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope my suggestion is taken as it's meant?to help you. Perhaps you should consider speaking to a professional about this.

I can tell you're upset about how things are so I think you should work to change things. Find a balance. Your home doesn't have to be a showplace. Your relationship with your DH and children are more important than cooking a nice meal. Your son needs to know you want him around but there's nothing wrong with preschool and I think you made the right choice to send him there. And hopefully speaking with a therapist (and possibly taking medication) can help you with that.

ateytelb · January 2011

I can totally relate. My 3.5 y.o. son is also crazy active and throws a few tantrums every day. Every little thing is a battle (putting on clothes, washing hands etc.)When we go out he tries to run away without fail. Until he started day care in the fall, he stayed home with his nanny and I was working full-time. I could barely control him evenings/weekends though, and couldn't get any cooking/cleaning/errands done at all. Then he started day care and the baby was born shortly after that. He likes being at day care and the teachers say he is very compliant there. Unfortunately, he came down with pneumonia around Thanksgiving and had to stay home for a month. The nanny was helping me during the day - that's the only reason why I was able to take care of both LO's (I am still home on maternity leave). He eventually went back to day care, but for now we are only keeping him there until after lunch to minimize his chances of getting sick again. The evenings/nights were still crazy, so we hired another nanny for night hours. On weekends, my mother stays over and helps out (H often works evenings and weekends) . I can't even imagine taking both the baby and my son out to run errands b/c I woudn't be able to control both of them. I don't feel guilty anymore b/c that's the way things are for now, and we do need all that help. You shouldn't feel guilty either since your son is thriving at the day care. He would be more miserable staying home b/c you can't provide constant stimulation for him, plus you would lose your temper on him frequently. As long as he is happy at the day care and you are happy staying home with the baby - enjoy it. Sorry for the long post.

rsd12 · January 2011

robynlesley:

Hey thumper... I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope my suggestion is taken as it's meant?to help you. Perhaps you should consider speaking to a professional about this.

I can tell you're upset about how things are so I think you should work to change things. Find a balance. Your home doesn't have to be a showplace. Your relationship with your DH and children are more important than cooking a nice meal. Your son needs to know you want him around but there's nothing wrong with preschool and I think you made the right choice to send him there. And hopefully speaking with a therapist (and possibly taking medication) can help you with that.

I agree with Robyn. It is hard being a parent - it drains us emotionally & physically & financially. It is important to find that balance so you can enjoy your family.

kimisuejoia · January 2011

robynlesley:
Hey thumper... I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope my suggestion is taken as it's meant?to help you. Perhaps you should consider speaking to a professional about this.
I can tell you're upset about how things are so I think you should work to change things. Find a balance. Your home doesn't have to be a showplace. Your relationship with your DH and children are more important than cooking a nice meal. Your son needs to know you want him around but there's nothing wrong with preschool and I think you made the right choice to send him there. And hopefully speaking with a therapist (and possibly taking medication) can help you with that.

Ditto this.

With all respect and support- I think a professional may be able to help here. The wording of your post sounds like there is a lot of resentment towards your DS. That may not be the case, but that it what it sounds like from here.

Is it possible that you had PPD and when you are trying to care for your son it reminds you of those dark times? If you feel your tensions and anxiety levels rising when your DS is home, he will be able to also and it may be feeding into his high maintenance behavior. (ie- he feels you are withdrawn and so he acts up more to get your attention, which makes you withdraw more)

It sounds like daycare is the best option, but I would respectfully suggest that you should deal with the underlying issues too....

mtnrider · January 2011

I work part-time and lately work's been slow so Simon doesn't need to go to daycare all day long for 3 days a week, I could do half days, but he loves it there and honestly I need those 3 days as a break to work, clean house, run errands, etc. We have no family near us so there's nobody to help watch him so daycare is the only time I get a break. I don't think you should feel guilty about putting your DS in preschool, he loves it there and needs that activity level and interaction with other kids.

Daisiesinmygarden · January 2011

"Often times I would find myself imagining something bad happening to him."

This along with your feelings of anxiety stand out to me the most. I am not suggesting that you would harm or allow harm to come to your DS, but it seems like a red flag. It seems to speak to feeling very desperate and frustrated with the issues with your DS. I think Robyn and Kimisue are right that it could only help to see someone about this. I think you should tell a doctor, your own OB/GYN or your DCs pedi or someone. I can't believe that there isn't some help out there for you if you want it. I think we have some medical professionals/therapists on the board. Hopefully they will chime in.

I also wanted to say that I think it's very brave of you to post about such a sensative and personal topic - even on an internet board - and you can tell from your post you want to do the best thing for your children and family.

I think that putting your DS in daycare is the best solution at this time. I think a lot of older LOs go to preschool at 3 and the younger siblings stay home with mom and, in fact, it was a subject of a post below. I don't think that is a huge concern and he probably likes going and benefits from the calmer home life. However, I do think that continued preferential treatment of your DD over DS when everyone is home will have negative effects.

GL and I hope you stick around and let us know how you are doing.

(ETA - I just read my post, sorry for the excessive us of the word "think", clearly this is JMHO)

Peppernut · January 2011

Thumper! Nice to hear from you!

I think talking to someone professional about your anxiety sounds like a good idea, definitely. I will say, though, that every kid is so different, and your son seems to need loads of high-energy interaction with kids his own age. There's nothing wrong with that, and it's something you couldn't provide by yourself even if you had unlimited energy, so daycare sounds like the best thing for both of you.

Do you set a bit of time to spend with just your son, like a story time or bath time? That might help with the guilt! Much love!

Pesky · January 2011

I agree with pps about talking to a professional. It can help you find some new tools to manage your anxiety and I think that will be key to your health and happiness, as well as the happiness of your kids and DH. And don't beat yourself up about acknowledging you have a high maintenance kid. Acknowledging that is the first step to figuring out ways to deal with him and sometimes that is leaving him somewhere he is looked after, has friends and has fun. That's okay. I would speak to your pedi as well about your son's activity level in case there is something more medical there as well. GL!!

thumper57 · January 2011

lisajay09:
I can completely relate to the anxieties and frustrations you're having. I think a lot of us can. I can understand why you feel guilty and honestly, I don't know if I could do the same thing as you, but I can also relate to and understand how frustrating it can be when your LO doesn't nap and is a bit of a handful. No one is perfect. Everyone has their limits to what they can handle at various points in their lives. All I can say is that this is a really tough time now, and you've come up with a plan that, while it might not be ideal, helps to make the family more peaceful and manageable. It won't always be this hard. Perhaps keeping DS busy in school helps him just as much as it's helping you. Sometimes kids need that constant stimulation that's really hard for you to provide with a 7 month old. As long as DS is happy, engaged and you have more positive interactions with him, you're doing just fine! Try not to be hard on yourself. We often have to make really hard decisions and do what we think is best at the time.

thank you for saying this. I do feel like I am a better person nowadays. My husband is all for it because he thinks DS will not get enough stimulation at home.

I have considered cutting back on DS time at preschool because I tell myself that it will be just fine and that I can handle it. His provider would then look to fill a vacant spot. though it's not an easy decision because I'm worried that I will start feeling tense again , and there may not be an option to go back to a full schedule if the class doesn't have room anymore.

thumper57 · January 2011

robynlesley:
Hey thumper... I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope my suggestion is taken as it's meant?to help you. Perhaps you should consider speaking to a professional about this.
I can tell you're upset about how things are so I think you should work to change things. Find a balance. Your home doesn't have to be a showplace. Your relationship with your DH and children are more important than cooking a nice meal. Your son needs to know you want him around but there's nothing wrong with preschool and I think you made the right choice to send him there. And hopefully speaking with a therapist (and possibly taking medication) can help you with that.

it probably sounds like I want things to be "perfect" all the time. I really don't feel that way. I do like being able to cook a meal occasionally and have a chance to get things organized. As nice as it would be to be able to lower the priority even more, I can admit to myself that I wouldn't be happy.

If I was still feeling that amount of anxiety with DS, I would be open to talking with someone. I have not felt that way for many months now, since DS is in school. DS being in school has been good for every person in the family, not just me. DS likes being there and wants to stay there when I pick him up. It is win/win for everybody. I am just worried the feelings of frustration might reoccur if DS was home with me all the time, (the initial reason he enrolled there full time)

I believe things will evolve where it will be fine for him to stay home more. I would like that.

thumper57 · January 2011

Daisiesinmygarden:
However, I do think that continued preferential treatment of your DD over DS when everyone is home will have negative effects.

I do find staying home with DD is a better experience for me then when I stayed home with DS, but I don't give DD preferential treatment. I did not mean to imply that.

DS gets a lot of affection from me (and DH too).

Also DS is louder and more demanding than DD at the moment Big Smile

thumper57 · January 2011

Peppernut:
Do you set a bit of time to spend with just your son, like a story time or bath time? That might help with the guilt! Much love!

Hi Peppernut!

Yes I do spend time quality time with him. Sometimes I take DS out by himself (DD stays home with dad). We go run errands, get an ice cream, etc. I try to take him to storytime regularly

I love spending time with him...it's just hard to spend the whole day with him . ..

Peppernut · January 2011

thumper57:
Peppernut:
Do you set a bit of time to spend with just your son, like a story time or bath time? That might help with the guilt! Much love!
Hi Peppernut!
Yes I do spend time quality time with him. Sometimes I take DS out by himself (DD stays home with dad). We go run errands, get an ice cream, etc. I try to take him to storytime regularly
I love spending time with him...it's just hard to spend the whole day with him . ..

Alrighty! No guilt! You're doing the best you can, and everyone's happier! Win-win!

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