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Update on XH and the kids (long)

fauxshelleyfauxshelley member
in Parenting after 35

I don't mention my XH on here much anymore and there is a good reason for that.  The drama is gone.  We have just settled into a good co-parenting relationship (for the most part).  The update:

In June I had a long talk with him about my (old) house and the kids.  I told him that I would give him my house (well, it was our house but I got it in the divorce) and he could do whatever he wanted with it, that I was buying a new house.  I also told him that he had better step up and start taking an interest in Jack or I was going to make his life a living hell.  (Sounds harsh, but you ladies know he deserved it)  I told him that he had until Jack's first birthday in September.  I said he could come to my house and visit Jack in the mean time, but starting in September he had to pick up the kids for his visitation.  XH was happy to have the house, and agreed that he needed to build a relationship with Jack.

Over the summer he would stop by about once every 1-2 weeks and spend time with the kids.  This allowed me time to go to the grocery store, take an uninterrupted shower, go for a walk, whatever.  It also allowed him the one on one time he needed in a "safe" environment.  Jack was home so he was more comfortable, Pumpkin was there to help him out, and everything the kids needed was right at XH's fingertips. 

On Sept 17th XH picked up both kids and took them to his parent's house to celebrate Jack's birthday.  Jack had never met his grandfather, had only seen his grandmother 2x (once in the hospital and once at 2 mo old), hadn't seen his aunts since he was born.  In short, these were stangers to him, and they only live 10 mins away.  Jack did really well and they family showered him with gifts.  This didn't quite make up for the fact that they acted like he didn't exist at Christmas '09, but it was a step in the right direction.

Since then, XH has picked up the kids almost every other Friday night to take them to dinner at his parents house.  He brings them home after dinner, but still, it's something.  He has them from about 5:30 to 9:45pm every other Friday night. 

He picked up both kids for Christmas, and again they went to his parent's house and BOTH kids got presents this year.  Amazing what a difference a year makes.  Baby steps....

If you got to the end of this, you get a cookie!  Hmmm, no cookie smiley, so how about a piece of pizza!  Pizza

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Re: Update on XH and the kids (long)

  • daisydanadaisydana member

    He really has come a long way. He isn't quite Father of the Year, but the fact that he is finally building a relationship with his son says something. I hope he lets Pumpkin know how much he loves her. That is such an important relationship.

    You know what else, you have really gone above and beyond. Giving him the house that you got in the settlement??? And... welcoming him into your home, with just the kids??? I don't think I could do that. You seem to have one goal - your kid's happiness. You deserve a medal for putting up with him last year and making it out the other side.

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  • leffe1leffe1
    I would like mushrooms and pepperoni please! I think it sounds like the situation has gotten better. I think you have always been the better person and have been generous. Good for you! I bet you really look forward to every other Friday!
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  • ShannonLKShannonLK
    imagedaisydana:

    He really has come a long way. He isn't quite Father of the Year, but the fact that he is finally building a relationship with his son says something. I hope he lets Pumpkin know how much he loves her. That is such an important relationship.

    You know what else, you have really gone above and beyond. Giving him the house that you got in the settlement??? And... welcoming him into your home, with just the kids??? I don't think I could do that. You seem to have one goal - your kid's happiness. You deserve a medal for putting up with him last year and making it out the other side.

    Ditto! I'm glad to hear things are moving in the right direction. You really are an amazing mom!!

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  • robynlesleyrobynlesley member

    Shelley, I'm so glad it's going well now.  I hope it gets even better.

    And you're an amazing woman to give him the house. I don't know if I would have been so generous in your position.

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  • superauntsuperaunt member
    I know it doesn't make him father of the year, but honest to god, this post bings tears to my eyes! Every other weekend visits since September is HUGE from nothing. Very happy for you- and for those adorable kids!
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  • carladilloncarladillon

    I admire you for so many reasons!  Mostly, for putting your hurt feelings aside and focusing on what is best for your children and fostering their relationship with their father and his family.  I would like to think I would be able to do that in the same situation, but I have to be honest - it would be a real struggle.

    Part of me wishes he had come to his senses before Jack was born, but "fate", "destiny" or whatever else you want to call it had other plans for you and your family.  I think you are a rock star, and I'm so happy for the kids that their father is stepping up and being a part of their lives - BOTH of them!

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  • M.AmyM.Amy member

    Shelley,

    You are an amazing woman. You have an incredible amount of grace, intelligence, and compassion.

    I am in awe.

    A

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  • rsd12rsd12 member

    I agree with what everyone has already said.  You really are a strong woman & mom.  Your kids are going to really appreciate all that you have done for them!

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  • fauxshelleyfauxshelley member
    imagerobynlesley:

    Shelley, I'm so glad it's going well now.  I hope it gets even better.

    And you're an amazing woman to give him the house. I don't know if I would have been so generous in your position.

    It wasn't as generous as it sounds, lol.  The house had very little, if any equity and I really didn't want to deal with the hassle of selling it.  Sure I put thousands into remodeling it (new lights through out, new wood floors, paint) when I was pregnant with Jack, but I was willing to walk away to have a home that was all mine.  We bought the old house as newlyweds and it had too many memories.  This gave me a chance to start over, and I really needed that.  IMO, I got the better end of the deal. 

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  • fiazofiazo

    That's wonderful. Hope the New Year brings you all better relationships yet.

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  • LyndaCarterLyndaCarter
    I don't know your whole story but it does sound like your XH is making some great steps towards becoming a more involved dad and helping them to get to know their entire family.
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  • steverstever member
    I'm so glad he's making progress, even if it is at a snail's pace.

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  • ateytelbateytelb
    I wasn't here at the beginning of the story but everything sounds good to me. I was also a single mother when my oldest was a teen, so I can relate. I was about to ask you a question why you gave him the house, but you explained in your second post. Glad you got the better part of the deal. I was so eager to walk away from my ex that I didn't get anything b/c I didn't care to fight. Nor that it matters now. GL!!!
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  • PeppernutPeppernut
    Wow, I am so happy that he's working on being a better dad, though he certainly had no direction to go but up.  Yay that he's not shut out anymore!
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  • busybeabusybea
    WOW!  Shelly, is this the same man?  This is huge. and God bless you for being such a strong woman and sticking to your guns about everything.  He knows he made a huge mistake and good for him for trying to be with BOTH kids and spending some quality time with them.  However short or long it is, it's still good quality time.  Pumpkin must be in Heaven.  I am SO incredibly proud of you!
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  • PeskyPesky member
    You really are the better person here and took the higher road.  and the good thing is it sounds like your kids are benefitting from it.  WTG!


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  • indianasunshineindianasunshine member
    imageM.Amy:

    Shelley,

    You are an amazing woman. You have an incredible amount of grace, intelligence, and compassion.

    I am in awe.

    A

    I couldn't agree more. 

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  • mtnridermtnrider member

    imagePeppernut:
    Wow, I am so happy that he's working on being a better dad, though he certainly had no direction to go but up.  Yay that he's not shut out anymore!

    This!

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  • vanverthvanverth
    You have the patience of a saint and it has been and will continue to be rewarded. 
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  • DaisiesinmygardenDaisiesinmygarden member

    imagePeppernut:
    Wow, I am so happy that he's working on being a better dad, though he certainly had no direction to go but up.  Yay that he's not shut out anymore!

    This!

    You are a great mom and a better woman/wife to him than he deserves.

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  • DaisiesinmygardenDaisiesinmygarden member

    imagePeppernut:
    Wow, I am so happy that he's working on being a better dad, though he certainly had no direction to go but up.  Yay that he's not shut out anymore!

    This!

    You are a great mom and a better woman/wife to him than he deserves.

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