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Hanging on by a Thread - long
I think I have hit a wall. Maybe its PPD, maybe I'm just in a rut, maybe my husband is a complete ass sometimes.
I feel like a single parent of 2 kids more than I feel like a partner in parenting. Scott work requires him to do a lot of after hours networking etc. This leaves me alone to do the parenting. When it was just Evie I could manage. Scott was really good in the beginning by not doing multiple nights in a row and trying to be home by Evie's bedtime. This is my first week back to work full time and I am EXHAUSTED. Scott went to the Colts game on Sunday = me alone for the afternoon through bedtime.
Monday he helped me in the morning which was AWESOME! Monday night he had a headache = didn't get out of bed from when me and the girls got home so I was alone to do dinner play, bath and bed with both. Tuesday morning = didn't wake up to help me even after I tried to wake him up 3 times = me getting both girls ready and feed alone to get to work by 8:30. Last night he was home to hold Nora while I bathed Evie but then left to meet a colluege for dinner and to prep for a meeting today = me alone for bedtime and he didn't come home until 11pm. This morning he had to be downtown for work at 8:30 too (normally he doesn't have anywhere to be until 9 or 10ish) so I was again on my own with the girls.
I am SO Frustrated but everytime I bring it up he gets super defensive and then I end up feeling bad for making him feel like a bad dad who doesn't care, and I'm the loser in the situation again.
I'm struggling with how to make him realize that his life is different now, he needs to be home more to help me out. He knows I'm struggling with my body issues as the baby weight is sticking to me more this time because it's winter and I couldn't get out and walk like I did with Evie yet he gives me no break to go work out. I have resorted to running on the canal on my lunch break (with no showers at the govt center) and just hoping I don't get to smelly since it's cold out.
I have cried on my way to work every day this week because I just don't know what to do. I know the answer is to talk to him but that never seems to work out well and I always end up feeling worse. I am scared I am going to start to resent him.
I just needed to get that out to someone who won't judge me.....
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Re: Hanging on by a Thread - long
I'm sorry - I know it's tough learning to juggle 2. It can be kind of isolating, I think? Not sure if that's the right word, but I know I struggled a lot more this time to feeling back to myself and felt alone a lot more.
I don't really have any advice, other than try to figure out a way you can approach your husband to discuss these things. Is it possible to come up with a schedule or plan on what each of you are doing? Like, these nights during the week are fine for work things, these aren't. His job is always bathtime, yours is feeding, etc.?
Good luck - and hugs!
I felt Exactly the same way about DH and 2U2. Honestly, I think 2U2 isnt my problem, my DH is my biggest obstacle.
Life got much better for me after my OB sort of forced me to take an anti-depressant. MUCH. Effexor has changed my life.
The other BIG help has been joining a mom's support group at a local church. The other moms have saved me. Mine even has childcare, which is HUGE for me b/c DH rarely will watch the kids. It is a fight for me to get much help out of him at all.
((HUGS))
Oh Sarah, I'm really sorry.
I don't know if this is the right way to describe it, or if it's even the same, but I know I always struggle with how to talk to DH about these issues without sounding like a whiny "my life is so hard" biotch. I've definitely been in the situation you described where after you "talk", you feel worse for even bringing it up.
I'm sure Scott doesn't intentionally make you feel that way, of course, and I'm sure you know that. But it doesn't make the situation easier.
He probably just doesn't get it, or when you try to help him understand, he might be thinking the same thing as you - that maybe you don't get what he's dealing with.
There never seems to be a simple or straight-forward way to discuss these things. What you're describing is probably pretty common, but it's amplified x a million when you have two tiny kids.
Maybe you could try to tell him exactly what you said here, that you're not sure how to bring it up because you always end up feeling bad that he feels bad, and that these conversations haven't been productive in the past. I don't know...it's really hard.
I was there -- granted we only had one kid but here's my thought.
First, you may want to talk to your doc about PPD...get on meds because otherwise the whole not feeling like you are getting enough help and having to be alonewith the girls is a downward spiral.
Secondly, write everythign down. Send him an email, do whatever it is that you need to do in order to open up communication. Preface it by telling him he's NOT a bad father, but you need to have this discussion before things get worse. Try not to use alot of "you" statements, but tell him you NEED more help. You can't parent two babies on your own. They are as much his as yours and he needs to make some concessions as far as giving up sleep, etc.Yes, it means parenting even when he has a headache, or getting up as early as you to help with the kids, etc.
Yes, you will begin to resent your hubby -- I know, I was there. My meds helped alot, admitting I had PPD helped alot and it helped him to see that I needed more help.
Keep your chin up and email me anytime if you need to chat. marie.osborn (at) gmail.com
I totally understand. Take a deep breath, it will get better. It sounds like your schedule this week has you feeling really overwhelmed (understandably). Having 2U2 with two working parents is hectic (that's the nicest word I could come up with). I don't think your husband sounds like an a$$ (and he does help sometimes, but not enough this week and you are way overwhelmed).
You can PM or page me if you want to talk/vent/etc about the joys of working with 2U2. Some days, I think I am going to pull my hair out. Actually, yesterday, I walked around wearing my contacts in the wrong eyes (and wondering why I had a headache all day), and today I totally forgot I was supposed to train some new staff and showed up 40 minutes late. Awesome.
Especially since his schedule is work-related and not socializing/going out with friends, I would try to be understanding and hang in there (I find that it makes talking to him worse if I make him feel guilty about work responsibilities, etc). Maybe write in a journal or something to help you with your feelings. Also, you need to take (and demand) more time for you. It's hard, I know it (especially with 2 kids). Believe me, I have been there.
I'm a CPA, so this is my busy season, so my DH is home with the kids a lot while I work now. He's getting a taste of what its like to care for 2 kids on your own - and I find that once he gets more practice dealing with the kids ALONE, he does SO much better helping when we are both home.
This. Exactly this! Thank you, Marie, for putting it SO well.
I'm right there with you, well somewhat anyways. You have put into words how I have been feeling for the last, almost, 15 months. And I only have 1 child. While I want another one at some point, I think I'm terribly gun shy right now because of how bad my PPD got and the fact that I still do have some resentment issues with DH.
DH just doesn't get it. At all. I struggle to talk to him about helping out more, but he gets so defensive. I feel like I praise him and thank him so much for the things he does, even though it's not nearly enough. I just hope that it makes him feel like he could do more...but he doesn't. He thinks that because he feels his work is harder and he makes more, that he is doing us this huge favor by going to work every day. Well, hey, I work full time too...I just don't complain about my job as much. I don't like it, in the least, but it's a job and I have to do it. I also do 90% of pick up/drop offs for daycare. As well as dinner, bed, bath. I take DS with me everywhere on week ends and also take care of all meals/naps/snacks/everything. I am a single parent, in my opinion, a lot of the time.
I don't get why after a full day in front of the computer, DH still wants to come home and get online, play video games, or watch TV instead of helping me out with DS. He also gets up and leaves before I do, save the ONE day he takes DS to daycare, so I am alone then too. I do all pick ups.
Oh and every time I have somewhere to go, if DH has to watch DS (yes...like a babysitter, I know), I am expected 'repay the favor' by letting him go do something another day/night. So annoying. I can't get him to understand that it's not a scorecard! It's his SON and his is his DAD. Eventually DS is going to pick up on this.
So, wow, didn't mean to get off track there and take your post. SORRY! Anyways, I had PPD so bad and felt like I didnt' come out of the fog for 6 months almost. Please go see someone if you think you might be suffering. And perhaps try some counseling? DH is still on the fence about going, but I am working on him. To be honest, I don't know what is going to happen with us, but I would really recommend being open and honest with your DH about everything. I don't want things to turn out for you like they are for me. I'm not saying any of this to scare you, but to let you know that you are not alone.
I'm a terrible advice giver. But Ann's advice was really great. This board has helped me immensely.
I think the advice you've gotten so far is great. Just know your not alone in how you feel and that seems to be coming out from others. I do most of everything in our house. I have to ask for help and I feel I shouldn't have to "ask" for help. 9 times out of 10, it's just me and Kamille on the weekend b/c DH has "plans". I struggle with talking to him as well, b/c in his mind he thinks he's helping and he also gets defensive if I bring it up. I just don't think some men get what it takes.
Is there someone else who understands how you feel and could talk to Scott? Not meaning you shouldn't, but I've found that my DH is always more receptive to something if it's coming from someone else and not me. You know just someone else to be on your side and to help him see your point of view.
I hope something works and get to feeling better soon.
BFP #2 11/4/12 EDD 7/20/12 missed M/C 12/13/12 @8w5d D&C 12/21/12
DX 2/7/13 with an alloimmunity + for anti-paternal antibodies started Lovenox daily & BA
BFP 2/16/13 EDD 10/28/13
First off - ((((((HUGS))))))). I remember feeling EXACTLY like this not too long ago. It's almost as if your DH doesn't realize the HUGE amount of extra work that baby #2 requires. It took us until Ashlyn was 6 months before we really got into a decent routine and I still feel taken for granted sometimes (just this morning actually).
You definitely need to sit down and talk to him. What I found worked for my DH was making it a "we" situation instead of "you need to do x, y, z". I told him how much extra stress I was under and that we needed to figure out a routine that really helped BOTH of us in the morning and in the evening. My DH doesn't do as much in the evening, but you need to be honest and tell him that you REALLY need his help in the evening and that you'd really like to be able to tag team the girls for dinner, play, bath and bedtime. If you're not honest, you'll build up lots of negative feelings and resentment and it'll all come out in a not-so-nice way (said from experience). Also - what helped a lot was me telling DH exactly what I needed help with. Instead of "can you get Ashlyn ready?", I ask "Can you get Ashlyn's diaper changed, get her dressed and give her her Prilosec?" Giving my DH exact details helps him know exactly how to help me. Also - this is sort of childish, but positive reinforcement has helped too. I will thank him as soon as he does whatever I needed help with. Almost like he needs to know that it really helped me and that he was doing a good thing. Silly, but it has helped.
It's a work in progress for us and I still get mad some days when DH does his own thing in the morning and I'm expected to get myself and both girls ready, all while he is downstairs eating breakfast, making his lunch, etc. Just try your best to keep the lines of communication open. I will say that DH is much more receptive to talking about this now than he was a few months ago. You already know this, but it will get better. As you get more into the work/family/2 kids routine, you'll figure out a system and you'll figure out what works for your family. Keep your head up! (((HUGS)))
I don't have 2u2 but I just went back to work FT this week after working only 25 hours a week last year. I can start to feel those resentment feelings building up in me towards DH b/c he has about an hour and a half at home before we get home due to me doing pick-up and he goes in earlier than I do. So I do feel like I do the lions share of stuff and don't get a break, b/c once we are home it is dinner, bath/play time, bedtime for Leah, and then a messy house, laundry, and dishes staring at me.
He is awesome with Leah and I could never fault him for not helping with her, my issue is more of the fact that he can't view his alone time before we get home as "play/relaxation" time, that is when it would be awesome if he would clean up the kitchen, do a load of laundry, etc, etc. I would die for an hour or so of alone time to actually get somethings done, before 9:00pm when I'm dead tired.
I know I need to talk to him before I get upset, but I also feel like a biotch everytime I bring this stuff up. I think I'm just going to say "Hey can we sit-down and just talk about how we need to make our schedules work with what we need to get done at home, based on that fact that we are now both working full-time?" Hopefully that doesn't come across as nagging and more of a "we are a team, lets figure this out together" talk. Maybe we need to even consider if there are things that can be done by someone else that we can pay for, if that is what keep us sane.
Good luck, I know those first few months I think every frustrated and angry or alone feeling I had got taken out on DH.
I totally sympathize with you. Todd works nights so I have Josie by myself Tues-Fri. He complains that the house isn't clean enough. I take her at 6:45 in the morning, work all day, then have her by myself all night. On the weekends, he rarely gets up before 2 unless there is a game.
I had my dr. put me on PPD meds right away b/c there's a history of it in our family. I think it helped.
I'm so sorry.
I know we've all written similar posts shortly after the birth of baby #1, but dealing with a toddler and a newborn just compounds the issue. Maybe the two of you need some time together, away from the children to really have a frank discussion about the division of duties. ((HUGS))
I'm pretty much in the same boat this month because DH will be traveling 2 weeks for work and I'll be back to work. I have no idea how I am going to make it work. I've done two weeks before now with 2 kids, but I didn't have to go to work.
Having DH be alone with both the kids for an hour or two here or there seems to help quite a bit. All hell has broken loose (thank goodness) and that helps him understand how hard it is. So my proposal to him is if he can't be here to help because of work, then we need to "hire" someone to help me at night. I don't know if that is a possibility for you, but at least it will help him realize that if he can't be there to help you because of work you need someone else. That might help him understand he needs re-arrange his work arrangement if it is possible.
(((HUGS)))
BTW, your advice on how to approach sending DS to daycare has stuck with me now for weeks. I really feel like I owe you one :-)