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Hawaii Babies
s/o how many kids do you want... (long)
so kristen's comment below more or less sums up how I feel about having more kids....(except there aren't ever any days where I want 4, just 2! 
)
KShiz:
I had originally thought that 2 was it. But on my glass half full days, I think, gosh, E is SO much fun, I want 4 or more! Then on my glass half empty days, I think, ya know, I'm pretty blessed to have one happy, easy, loving and healthy child, it's really all I could ask for.
This topic has been on my mind a lot lately, especially since if we have #2 right now they will be 2 years apart and I think if we have more than one, I'd like for them to be 2-3 years apart. so I feel like I need to make up my mind in the near future...
I feel like there are some days where I look at my little girl and think about how much I love her and how wonderful it would be to have another.... but then just as soon as I start to get comfortable w/the idea, MH goes and does something that makes me think "ok so this is why we definitely don't need to have any more kids." seriously. this happens all the time.
things are better w/us and w/his interactions w/her (I don't resent him quite as much anymore) but sometimes I wonder if it's more that I've become accustomed/resigned to having things the way they are or if he is really being more of an active father. I mean, I still do everything for her more or less... I change her diapers, feed her, get her down for her nap, get her ready for bed, play w/her, etc. she's nearly 14 months old now and even though he loves to cuddle w/her he has only bathed her and put her to bed twice and that was simply b/c I was working late, not b/c he "wanted" to. she rarely wants to cuddle so right before bed is about the only time she'll cuddle in your arms but he never asks to do it.
if given the choice, he chooses the non-baby related activity.... i.e. the other day I needed to run to the store and pick something up and I gave him the choice and told him he could either watch her while I go run the errand, or he could run the errand for me. w/o even thinking about it he said he'd go run the errand for me. things like that totally make me not want to have another baby....he is also always asking me to "deal with" her and saying "i don't have time
to deal w/her right now" when she comes running into his office wanting
to play with him. it really irks me that he uses the phrase "deal with" instead of saying something like "can you watch her right now, i'm busy doing XYZ."
he had a week off over Christmas and we went to visit my parents and even then he didn't spend very much time w/her. he'll play with her for a few minutes but then he is ready to hand her back to me. my parents noticed that he was (still) not spending a lot of time w/her despite her being older and more interactive
on the flip side he is obviously very busy with his residency program, sells computer stuff (though less of that these days), and he is also the co-owner of a cloud hosting business so he is constantly working on virtual "service calls." he takes care of all the financial stuff for our household and does the majority of the laundry (excluding CDs). he also admitted to me that he feels very pressured to provide for the family and feels bad that he is in his mid 30s and still training and not earning a good salary yet. what free time he does have he likes to spend on the computer forums, kind of like how i like to hang out on this board. i just don't get why he needs/gets to have so much "me" time when she is awake....it's like he does this other stuff while she is up and then when she is napping he takes advantage of the opportunity and tries to nap too....whereas i feel like he should be spending time w/her when she is awake and then taking his "me time" when she is napping. there are a few days a month where his day off coincides w/a day i am working so he takes care of her while i am at work so we can save on child care costs...i think b/c he spends the entire day w/her during those times, he feels like he spends "a lot" of time w/her and doesn't need to on other days???
i always thought i wanted 2 kids but now i'm not so sure. i think i would be completely content/happy with just one but i feel like she deserves to have a sibling. not just someone to play with during these younger years but just someone to have around when she gets older. i feel like it would not be fair to her to not have another kid just b/c of the way her dad is and that as a mother i should make sacrifices for my kids. and actually....now that i am writing this and really thinking about it.... i think that i'd be able to handle 2 kids (in the immediate post partum period when i was a weepy mess i could not even fathom dealing with 2 "by myself") but i think maybe i am not wanting a second one as a sort of passive aggressive way of showing MH that he should wake up and reconsider his priorities?? (i actually never really thought of it this way before, so in a sense i think i just had an epiphany) so then it seems like i shouldn't "punish" Miss A for her dad's short comings and i should just take what life has handed me and have another baby? i know that there are far worse households for a child to grow up in than one in which the father isn't super involved.....
thoughts? i would love some objective third party opinions on this 
TIA if you got through my super long post......
as a side note - DH used to insist that we would have as many kids as it took until we had a boy (before getting married i said we could have 2 and maybe 3 in order to get 1 boy and 1 girl)...
he even went as far as saying he wouldn't marry me if i didn't want kids
b/c he had to have a boy - it was important to him to have a
child to carry on the family name. well, in recent discussions when
i've told him i don't think i want a second baby, he told me that he
would still love to have another baby but if i decided i didn't want
one, that Miss A is so wonderful that he would be happy with just one. i
was pretty shocked by this comment.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: s/o how many kids do you want... (long)
Whew, this was long.
Although it's certainly possible to shoulder most of the childrearing burden by yourself with multiple kids, any shortcomings your DH has in the involvement side of things will be thrown into high relief when a second baby comes onto the scene. You'll frequently need someone to take care of one of the kids while you deal with the other, whether it's feeding, bathing, playing, or just supervising. If your DH isn't pulling his weight at these times, you'll become very resentful very quickly. Of course you can do it by yourself, but I'm pretty comfortable predicting that when it comes down to it in the moment, you won't want to. It's not just a matter of being able to handle the kids, but of keeping your sanity while you do so.
I've complained before that Ben can be inattentive with the boys (he's gotten a million times better about this), but the truth is that he's really very involved, especially compared to a lot of the fathers I read about on the Bump. I still do more of the work - usually 60%, sometimes 70% on some days - but he pitches in a lot. And I really feel it on days when he doesn't - like when he's gone on a business trip and I'm on solo duty for two kids for a few days. By the time he gets home, I'm exhausted. Managing the needs of multiple children is difficult, and I would be extraordinarily resentful if I had to do it by myself - that's not what I got into this partnership with my husband for (again, speaking for myself - I know that my expectations are not necessarily everyone's expectations, and some women would be completely happy doing the lion's share of the child rearing).
As far as "punishing" Miss A...is being an only child a punishment? Siblings are a blessing, but I'm not sure that being a "one and done" kid is necessarily a curse. In a way, I can see a lot of benefits, especially in having the undivided attention and energies from her parents. (I'm the middle child of 3 so I could be talking out of my ass here - single kids, feel free to tell me I'm wrong.)
I'll probably have more to say on this later, but I have to run for the moment...
Wow Jaime, that's a lot...here are my immediate thoughts....probably will add more later when I have time.
First, I am sorry that things have only "improved" marginally...I know it hurts your heart that DH is not more involved in the day-to-day with Miss A. I've seen this before, with my own brother and his first child, who I basically nannied until he was two. But, when baby #2 came around FOUR years later (they started trying after the first was two but lost one and then had some SIF issues...) it was like he was a different Dad. I don't know if them trying and not being successful right away changed his attitude or what.
The first was a surprise, so that may have factored into his "hands off" approach when it came to new fatherhood, I don't know. What i do know is he then became a SAHD and his daughter (baby #2) is the apple of his eye. While raising her daily as the SAHP he realized how much he had lost out on with his son. To this day he has regrets, but knows he cannot go back. He's worked hard to develop a tighter bond with his son since he feels that they didn't bond as tightly when he was a baby.
My DH is VERY hands-on with our LO, but it's also because I insisted on it from hour 1 (literally). And there are times, still, that when the two of us are home together that the baby-related responsibilities fall on me (for example, aside from giving her baths in her first month of life, he hasn't done it since) but he does his fair share of diapers, feedings, diaper laundry, etc. Our only quibble really comes on the weekends when I'd like to sleep in and so would he. I get up at 5 a.m. (or earlier if she's wanting to nurse...sometimes at 4 a.m.) everyday during the week and am in the office at 7 a.m. One weekend morning I'd love to "sleep in" to 7 or 8 a.m. But it's a Catch-22 because he works late (until 11 or midnight) on Fridays and Saturdays so in a way, it's unfair for him to get up "early" on weekend mornings. So yeah, that's when we clash a bit. But all in all, we share the baby-related and household-related responsibilities fairly equally.
That said, DH also puts pressure on himself for being in his early-30's and training for a new career (RN for now and hopefully PA or DO down the road) and struggles with the fact that I provide 70% of our income right now. But, he also realizes that as a student and part-time waiter he is able to help us avoid daycare costs by looking after LO during the day while I am at work (although starting next week we're paying my mom for PT care while DH is in clinicals on Monday-Wednesdays).
So, with your DH, I think you have to continue the dialogue. You're not going to change him and I am sure you already realize that. That said, you need to express your feelings, disappointment, and pleasure (when he DOES engage the way you'd like...it'll encourage more, hopefully, and not feel like you're always nagging about what he's not doing)...mainly so you don't become depressed and/or resentful. We all have the idea of how things will be in our head when we get married and have children, and then...there's reality.
As for baby #2...you have valid points for and against it...here's something to ask yourself. Aside from Babyhood (which you're really still IN with a 14 month old)...do you think you would miss having another child? As I've been melancholy about Libby becoming a toddler and no longer an infant (boy it goes SO fast) I have to remind myself that I chose to have a CHILD, not just a BABY and that at every stage of her development there will be things to embrace and cherish. Even through the teen and adult years. I don't know about you, but to this day, there are things that only my mom and/or dad can say or do in just the right way!
With the uncertainty of my work situation, I've considered putting off TTC#2. But we discussed it and decided that what we really want is another child and we're not going to let today's circumstances affect us for the rest of our days. We'll find a way to make it work. And, I won't lie...there are times when my own mind travels to questions like, "what would happen if we divorced or one of us died?" It could happen. Not that I think these are highly probable, but I have to go there and see if I feel that I could handle it and raising two children without DH. It's scary as hell to ponder, but I am comforted by the feeling that yes, I could, if I had to....with tons of support from family (which I'd have).
My recommendation is to keep the dialogue open...and sit with your feelings. For me, wanting to TTC#1 was a deep yearning...I wanted to become a mother (much to EVERYONE'S surprise, including my own)...and I am starting to feel that way about TTC#2. I want to be pregnant again and I want to provide my LO with a sibling and my DH with another child (or two, if we end up with twins). If I didn't feel this way, now would not be the right time to plan for it...so...if you're not there yet, it's okay. In 6-12 months, you might be. Also, as Miss A becomes more of a toddler, you might find that your DH becomes more involved with her...I've read where men are hands-off in the infant stage but once their LO becomes a walking, talking little person they are way more engaged and comfortable parenting. I don't know if that'll be the case with your DH...but I think if you keep expressing your needs and desires and he keeps taking steps to actively father his daughter, they'll be steps in the right direction for ALL of you.
TTC/PG Blog | Mommy Blog
First of all....wow! Every single word you wrote I could have written myself. I, too, have been struggling with a daddy who only "deals" with the baby when he really has to and seems to have as much "me" time as ever, while I do 99% of baby-related tasks. I feel for you, I really do. And while MH is getting slightly better as our son gets more "fun" and interactive, it is still an issue for us. It's interesting for me to read you perspective several months out from us.
This is a good point, and something I think about a lot. This is the big thing to contemplate, I guess. But Lori has an excellent point as well, when she told of a daddy who got a lot better with #2. It's a gamble for sure, but I think a lot of daddies, after getting used to whole thing with #1, feel a lot more confident with #2. I agree that you need to keep the dialogue going with YH, and revisit this occasionally. Waiting another year probably won't make too much of a difference, I don't think, and if it'll improve things with his training being completed and such, I have a feeling that'll help a lot.
As far as only have one child....MH is an only child and while we agreed we didn't want to do that, there are definite advantages. I don't think it's unfair to a child to be a only child, but there are good and bad things about it. Ultimately, it seems to me like right at the moment isn't the best time, and maybe you should finish up YH's training, give it a little time, and keep talking with him about it. Perhaps the answer will become clearer then, naturally.
By the way....what is YH training to do? Is he the one training to be a doctor, or am I thinking of someone else on here? MH is a doctor, and even though he's not in training anymore, his job is a big part of our issues. He works erratic hours and late often, which contributes to my doing most of the routine baby stuff....he doesn't know the kid's routine since he's not around a lot (whereas my job is the same hours everyday M-F). Also, even though we both work full-time, I do ALL the night feedings and such, since (and I do agree to a point, anyway) his job requires him to be on his toes and his license (therefore our livelihood) is on the line if he makes a simple diagnostic or medication mistake with a patient due to sleep deprivation. The worst that can happen if I'm sleep deprived at work is I yell at my students more. I don't know....something to think about if that is what he's training to do (but maybe I'm thinking of someone else
). Doctor's jobs are always stressful, and I'm not sure it gets much better when residency is done.
* I had this all typed out last night, but then I had a conference call for work (with India) that ran 1.5 hours, so I ended up going to bed after that =P so I'm only pressing [POST] now *
So, I remember your last post about this issue. I had originally thought maybe it was more of a pp thing like so:
I remember feeling like this and feeling like I wasn't getting enough help and care from MH pp but I totally had this horrible, miserable baby blues case that I originally thought maybe you just went through the same thing...
In terms of whether things have gotten better vs you getting used to things, it seems like you already listed out the things he doesn't do now, but if you list out the things he didn't do before, do you see any improvement at all? Or maybe, there is a small improvement but you're still not quite content with the progress?
One thing I thought of is that if you're always doing those things, did you eventually ask him about doing every one of them (not all at once, of course)--or does he not want to do ANY of them? For MH, he's happy to do a lot of BR things but for some of them, he knows that he "can't take them away from me" because I enjoy them too much =P Maybe he thinks that you enjoy it so much that he didn't want to "take it away from you"? Maybe he's not unwilling to do *all* baby tasks but has preferences for certain ones? or is that not it? I have a friend who's getting married soon and her FI is severely repulsed by poop to the point where he has to turn away when we were hanging out once and I had to change B. For someone like him, I can see if they ever have kids in the future, he'd probably never change the diapers...
Or...was he maybe just not so much of a baby/kids person to begin with? If that's the case, then maybe whatever interaction and moments of playing with Miss A is just all he's got in him and it's already him giving his all?
It does sound like he's super busy, so he probably doesn't have much of a downtime? Or maybe he's stressed? I know that the very few times where I felt kinda annoyed with B's fussing/crying/refusal to nap is when I was super stressed working overtime and staying up late/not getting enough sleep with these issues at work. At that point, I seriously wanted to quit my job--and I realized that stress and being pressed for time by other things can influence my attitude as a parent and I felt horrible about it. That's when I sat down to talk to my manager and cut my hours significantly. I make less money since I'm working less, but for me, the lack of stress and being happier for B (and as a result, having more time in general gives me more time to spend with him/play with him/etc) ultimately made me happier. But I'm also (no longer) the breadwinner of our household so the pressures of financial responsibility don't affect me as much--whereas YH feels pressured to be the one providing more so I think it'll be harder for him to let go of his other jobs? But honestly, he has A LOT on his hands! I'm surprised if he even has time to sleep! So yeah, I don't know if he can do much else in terms of spending time with kids if he continues to have his hands so full...but that's just my limited view on it without knowing the details of his schedule/etc. Is he able to cut down a bit to make more time for your growing family/more kids, esp since you guys are ok financially already (as you mentioned in the post below)?
Miss A *is* quite cute, so I don't blame him for being completely happy with just her =P but I *do* think it's kinda odd that he changed his mind about this when he was so adamant about it earlier. Did you ask what his reasoning was for not wanting a boy? Was it more of a timing issue (until he gets where he wants to be in his career/finishes up his residency?) or was it a forever type of thing? Or maybe because he saw how rough it was when you recovered from your c/s that he wouldn't want to you to do it again if you didn't want to?
As for having one kid, I don't think it's "punishment" for miss A and she would still grow up to be happy IMO. So, I wouldn't worry about that. Of course, I personally want lots so I believe if you have a strong desire to have more, then you should take that into consideration, esp if you feel like you can handle it with the current level of help from YH--that's if you REALLY want #2. If you think, however, that you can stay pretty happy with just miss A, then one is good. But it's really up to you. I would just trust your instincts and feelings on this one since you know you/your family best.
WHEW, that was long. I think this is an extensive/deep topic so I tried to just hit every possible thing I could think of but I probably missed even more! But nonetheless, hang in there and we're here for you and I hope things continue to improve!
** OH, one more thing I thought of. Maybe it's just a matter of making the task "fun" for YH too? I know it sounds kinda like dealing with a kid or something, but for MH--I remember now that in the very beginning, when I wanted him to give B a bath, he was almost "afraid" of it and didn't want to do it. So I said, fine, I'll do it WITH you. The first few times were just okay, but eventually, we turned it into an interactive singing/playing time and B would laugh and MH grew to really LOVE it. Now, we still do every bath together every night. So if YH is anything like mine--MH doesn't like to do things sometimes but if I do it with him, ease him into it and make it fun, it really grows on him and he'll love it so much that, for example, I can never get him to not want to do B's baths again.
Don't give him a choice. That's what I do. I just tell B that I wanna go run errands on my own and he has to stay home and watch Kaya. Also, there are times when I need a break and I just make him stay home with her. Like, recently, I've been taking her EVERYWHERE with me. Especially when I hang out with my friends. And usually it's fine and my friends love her. But I just felt like I needed to get out without her so I had lunch and saw a movie with my friend the other day and it was nice to just have a few hours without having to worry about her.
I know your situation is different because he's a resident and super busy and all that, but you decided together to have a child and he needs to take responsibility, too.
Also, take it from an only child - it's not that bad to be the only. I mean, I totally didn't mind it when I was a kid. I kind of wish now that I had a sibling but I have cousins who are close enough. Don't feel like you're taking anything away from her by not having another. She won't know any different.
My co-workers who have more than one child say having 2 is HARD, especially if you don't have help. (The one who said it's really hard is the one whose husband, I'm sure, does even less than Brent.) But then some say it's not really double the work. It's more like 1 1/2 times the work. Maybe if you wait till Miss A is 2 or 3 it'll be easier. Because even though she'll still be young, she'll be able to help you with little things. And she'll be at the age where she really WANTS to help out.
You know, I've heard this before and honestly...it pisses me off.
Why is this OK? Why is it acceptable - sometimes even expected - for a father to be a bit hands off until a child gets to a "fun" age or not be involved until he feels more confident? It's such BS. If this was a mother we were talking about, we'd be tearing strips off her hide! What mama gets a pass for not being involved with her firstborn just because she doesn't feel confident, or for not wanting to interact with her LO until they're older? (I'm not picking on you or Lori for bringing this up, btw - I'm just talking about this in general since it's something I've seen mentioned a LOT on the Bump and it always gets me a bit riled up.)
Out of all the double standards in the world, I think this is possibly the one that annoys me the most. My sons are WAY more fun now than they were as newborn blobs. But I insisted that Ben be as involved when they were 8 days old as he is now that they're 8 months old because he is their father. And I recognize that not all men are willing to do that. But I think it's a bit sad that as women and mothers we're willing to go, "Eh, it's OK, he might get better when they're older or when #2 shows up."
/rant
This is sort of funny, because I was thinking about this last night and came to the conclusion that it's quadruple the work.
Well OK, maybe not quadruple the work, but you only have 25% of the time with each child that you'd spend with a single child. For example...oh, showing a baby how to turn pages in a board book. With a single child, you can just sit there and do it. With two, you only get half the amount of time that you would with one. And then half of that half is still taken up with dealing with the other kid ("Don't do that, come over here, stop that, etc"). It's a big part of the reason why firstborn or single kids tend to hit developmental milestones faster than subsequent kids or twins/triplets - there's not as much time to devote to helping them learn. Just one of those things!
I know it would be different with children of different ages, but dealing with 2 kids on your own (regardless of age) still involves a massive division of your time. I do agree that if A is older - like 3 - then she'll be at the age where she really wants to help, and that could be handy!
Hugs to you Jamie. Wow, you really have a lot on your plate. I don't have a lot of time but just wanted to add my 2 cents to what all the other girls have said. I'm sorry if this sounds frank but IMO, if your H wanted to help more he would- no matter how busy he is, he could find the time. Being a resident is so strenuous I'm sure, but he still makes time for himself. It sounds like he finds time for that so he could find time for sweet little Miss A too- if he wanted to.
I wouldn't count on anything changing at all if you have baby #2, and if it does it would be an (unlikely) pleasent surprise. So if you want baby #2, count on doing it yourself (again). I would do if your YOU and for MISS A.
I was just talking to a mother of three (ages 4, 2.5 years and 9months) and she said that there is more work but somehow it's more easy. Her kids were playing together for hours while I was there. she has more time than me because I have to do all the entertaining for Ryan.
btw- Like Christine I'm also an only child but feel completely different about it. I wish so much that I had brothers and sisters growing up and most of all, I wish I had them now more than ever (I now do have 2 half sisters but we don't share history, or memories or anything like that, so really I'm still an only child :-(
It seems like you would regret not having another child from what I'm reading.
good point, i hadn't necessarily thought of it that way before. though part of me wonders if it will be like the last time where i may go through an acute phase of resentment and then adjust and not be so resentful afterwards? wishful thinking on my part? do i want to subject myself to that state of semi-depression and resentment again? not sure.
it's not exactly what i had signed up for or envisioned for "our family" when we got married, but I guess I've sort of also learned that resenting him for it is pointless and unproductive. are there days where it really irks me? sure...and those are the days i think to myself "i never want to have another baby because of this."
yeah i guess i need to continue to keep talking to him about it....it's hard for me to not come off as nagging, no matter how hard i try not to. and I am sure that if i gave him 'positive reinforcement' for the good things that he does, that he'd be happier about doing things but part of me feels like I don't need positive reinforcement to do the things that I do so why should he? why don't some men have "mothering" instincts like mothers do?
I honestly don't miss a lot of the early days! I am not good with coping w/sleep deprivation and when all she did was eat and go straight back to sleep it felt like i was just in survival mode. but I look back at the last several months and what she's doing now and think about how much fun the next year is going to be as she develops her own little personality and I think, "why wouldn't I want to do this x 2?"
I know your situation hasn't been ideal w/work but FWIW I think you guys are making the right decision.you know, after I posted this last night and really got to thinking about #2 and the actually possibility of it, I found myself eager at the prospect - something I have not felt since she was born. all this time I have been drilling it into my head about how we should not have more kids for fear of resenting him and it ruining our marriage... i never was able to see past it. in a way, posting about it allowed me an outlet to sort of put some of it behind me.
I remember everyone telling me this when I posted about my woes previously w/his lack of involvement....and to an extent this is true. i guess he just hasn't stepped up as much as i expected him to.
I know, when I read your comments in another post it reminded me of what I had been through in the earlier months! I used to be so hateful and resentful of him... it was not good, for anyone. communicating my feelings to him has helped, even if he isn't drastically better it helps to get your feelings out in the air so they aren't all pent up. and it helps him to understand where you are coming from. i think sometimes men are really clueless unless you spell things out for them.
he's a pediatrics resident right now - really handy when Miss A gets sick and I need the answer to a quick question or need to know "does she need to go in for this, is it serious?" but not so great b/c of the hours. unfortunately he has 1.5 years left of residency and then after that another 2 years for a pediatric endocrinology fellowship. when he is all done his hours will be better, but that so far down the road i'm not even thinking that far out right now.
when we first moved to Dallas one of my colleagues had been married (and divorced) to a cardiologist. when she found out that MH was still finishing medical school, she said to me, "Jaime, I'll tell you right now. Sticking with someone as they go through their medical training is hard work. It puts a lot of stress on a relationship but try to hang in there while he goes through it. It won't be easy, but in the end it will be worth it." when I heard her say that, I honestly thought to myself "that's really nice of her to offer advice like that but that isn't anything that I need to hear, our marriage is fine and it's really not that stressful for him to have long hours like that." well, that was before he started his internship and before we had a baby!! it really is true that it is hard.
I am not sure how much easier it will get when he is done, either, but he is choosing his specialty w/that in mind. he really enjoys surgery and ER work but has said that he won't go into those fields b/c he knows that the hours would be very hard on us as a family and he does want things to get better at some point. so he is at least semi-aware of the issue.
I think that my amped up hormonal state just made these seem a million times worse to me than they were, but it was still a real issue.he really doesn't do more as far as her care goes and in all fairness I don't flat out ask him to unless it's something like "can you please watch her while I go pee so she doesn't tear the house down while I'm peeing"
he'll change diapers if I ask him to but he'd rather not do long like sit there w/her while she sits on the potty or feed her a meal b/c both of those require a lot of sitting around and he's the kind of person that always has to be doing something. he'll feed her if I am not home but otherwise he doesn't have the patience to sit there and watch her feed herself for one hour, even though I personally find it fun to sit w/her while she eats and talk/interact w/her. I know meal times would be faster if I spoon fed her but I like to let her feed herself.
I sort of wondered that when it came to putting her down for bed at night. I should maybe ask him if he wants to take turns doing it..... but honestly I think his answer will be no b/c he is so tired at the end of every day he doesn't want to do anything but veg.good question! he has always wanted kids but I really don't know how much of a "kid person" he is.... and I truly believe that in his mind, he is already doing "a lot" w/her b/c every time we have a conversation about this he always says "but I thought I was doing a lot better since we last talked."
he doesn't have a lot of free time but it's not like he doesn't have any at all. i do think that stress has a lot to do w/it and a lot of it is unnecessary stress if you ask me. he could cut down on some of the other side business stuff but he is so focused on trying to make more money to invest in her future that he can't see the forest for the trees, so to speak. he is already stressing out about how we're going to pay for her college education and that is still a LONG ways away!!! but yes his schedule is very busy....he gets about 6-7 hours of sleep every night and often has to work a 30 hr shift (sometimes with and often w/o sleep). so i think to him, I have the "easy" job of working part time and staying home w/her.
honestly, I think it is b/c I have been saying repeatedly - and I mean repeatedly - over the last few months "we're not having anymore kids" and "I refuse to have another child" that he has just come to accept it. I think he knows that he can't force the issue, esp w/how much I already do. in the beginning, he'd say, "no, you don't really mean that...." but after months of me saying "yes, I really mean that" I think he got my point. it really has only been recently that I began to entertain the notion again (and I haven't shared this w/him)
I really think I could be happy with just one. but then I look at her and think about how much I love her and I think "wow, why wouldn't I want another little Miss A running around?" then again knowing my luck, our 2nd will be a horrible baby since she has been such an easy baby!
I will ask him to watch her if I need to run an errand like groceries but have never done that for total "me" time like shopping, hanging out, etc
I have heard this, too. that having 2 isn't that much harder than one (*disclaimer for Lisa* when they're not twins!) another friend said that the only time she really notices it being a lot more difficult is when they have to go out for something. and i have definitely heard that sometimes you should wait until they are at least a little bit older so that the older child is more self sufficient and can help with a few things. definitely something to think about as far as timing is concerned....
hmmm I never really thought about it this way and you have a very valid point! DH has expressed that w/some things he just hasn't felt very confident about it and used that as an explanation for his actions (or lack thereof) but now that you bring this up, I totally agree. it's not really a good excuse to not step up to the plate!
we posted at the same time! so I'll edit my response to your post in here too...
I appreciate the honesty - and I totally agree! I feel like if he wanted to be more involved he would make the time. but he says he feels like he needs the "me time" or else he'd be too stressed out and that I should understand where he is coming from. like i said, i don't necessarily agree w/it but i've come to accept it
i definitely wonder if i would regret it....which is why i am struggling w/the decision so much....
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
btw- I think you mentioned that your DH is an only child? Maybe there is something to being an only child.... I'm also an only child, I want at least two kids, maybe even three. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ryan but I've really struggled with motherhood so far. Honestly, I'm just not a baby/kid person but I want to be. I'm not a natural at it. I have to work REALLY hard at it. My whole life I've had so much me time and now I don't have nearly enough, even though my DH is superdad and willingly gives up all of his free time to Ryan and me (my hubby grew up with 3 siblings and tons of other kids). People reading this may look down on me for what I've just wrote but it's my truth.
Believe me, I'm not trying to make excuses for your DH, I'm just thinking maybe there is a connection with some only children?
Jaime, I've read everything you've written, and from what I can see, this is what it boils down to: you would like another child, both for yourself and for Miss A. I think that as long as you genuinely accept the amount of involvement your DH is willing to give and will not resent it if this doesn't change, then a second child is up for consideration. But if there's even a glimmer of doubt? I'd either hold off for at least a year or reconsider altogether. That's my $0.02, anyway.
I hope I haven't come across as too harsh in this whole discussion...I really just want the very best for you and your family.
Julie -
I'm one of 3, and I sometimes feel the same way as you. I'm soooo not a baby/kid person, and I feel like it's something I have to work unusually hard at. It's not a burden because I love my sons, but I have to be honest...if we hadn't had twins? I'd probably be seriously considering only having one. Anyway, the point was that I'm not sure it's a single child thing so much as a personality thing - but of course, you and I still make the big effort to be involved, and that's the difference.
totally not harsh at all, not sure why you'd think that! I think I need to think really hard about whether or not I'd be ok with things staying exactly the way they are, with a second child. I don't plan to rush it, as I know this isn't something to take lightly! I had even told him previously that I refuse to have a 2nd child until we go to some marriage counseling first, as I think that would help.... and I may stick to that and ask him to go w/me before we move forward w/such a big change.
no, he has a sister so not an only child. but I do understand that some people just aren't natural at it and need to work at it. I'm sorry you feel it's such a struggle for you personally, but I don't think there is anything wrong w/that and it's not something to be ashamed of. it's ok, raising a child is hard work and no one ever said it would be easy or come naturally. the important thing, like Lisa said, is that you make the effort to work hard at it and you want to do so. I guess I wouldn't feel as much the way I do if I could see MH making more of an effort...even if he was terrible at it, at least he was trying. I just feel like he doesn't try as much as I would like for him to. for instance, this morning I carried her into his office w/me and said "Daddy, can you play w/me this morning?" and his answer was "I'm working right now. I already spent all day with her yesterday, I'll play with her later." (he watched her yesterday while I was at work) I understand that he needs to work and perhaps can't cut back on work time but I feel like he should sacrifice some of his "me time" for her (which he says he "can't" do b/c it's his way of decompressing from all the stress in his life). again, i think in some weird way he feels like the days that he watches her is plenty of quality time spent together so he doesn't need to spend as much time w/her on other days???
I've discussed this w/his parents a little bit and they just tell me to keep talking to him about it and that if he doesn't change, down the road he will regret it and learn the hard way that he missed out on a lot.
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
Cerclage placed @ 21w6d due to CI (IC)
I think this is a really good idea - it may help for both of you to discuss your feelings and thoughts in a "neutral" zone, and to have someone to help you make sure you're working on the core issues.
I second this.
As I'm reading all your responses, I wanna scratch my previous post =P I realize that the most important thing here is that you're not happy with his level of trying (even if he's not a kids-person) and he thinks that he's doing a lot already. So he *will* spend time with A and make an effort but he can't spent too much time, b/c given his schedule/other commitments, it will cut into his "me-time" and he values that too much to give it up. I don't think you can change that b/c he will have to *want* to spend that extra time (that you would like to see) MORE than his "me-time" and he's just not the point in his life (or maybe just at all) to want that. And there's nothing wrong with that, per-se, b/c unless his load of commitments decrease, he's ultimately not going to have any me-time and it's important to have some balance of work/family/alone time in anyone's life. So if work cannot be cut down in any way, and nor can alone time, then I think he's in this place where he sorta has no choice but to cut down on Miss A time?
I don't think having #2 will fix this. I think either counseling or his work life changing might be the only way that this current situation will change? But even after his residency, you don't know what his schedule will be like...so I don't think that would be tackling the root of the issue, whereas counseling would/could...
This is tough. I'm really sorry you're in this rough spot =( Lots of hugs your way.
Wow... First, I'm so sorry that I didn't reply earlier. I've been swamped at work this week and had a quick MIL/FIL visit to contend with. Whew! I just read everything you wrote and all the replies. I also want to give you a big ((HUG)) and pat on the back. You are doing awesome, beyond awesome. How anyone could resist playing with your adorable over the top cute baby... I have no idea!
A few things I'll add to the discussion...
-- I agree that counseling is a good idea. DH and I have talked about doing this as well, even tho he's very involved. We want to make sure to give our marriage as much attention as we're giving our A.
-- I agree with Christine that you should definitely take ME time. I am floored that you haven't done this even ONCE! I'd say at least once a week, I ask DH to put A to bed (incl feed dinner, bath) so I can meet friends, go to a meeting or work late. I actually have to push him to go out and let me handle her for a night!
-- Another idea is to switch off days to sleep in on weekends... No need for us to both get up with her at 6:30, so we switch off. Godsend, that extra sleep day.
Anyway, it sounds like you aren't necessarily asking him to DO MORE of the "work" associated with caring for Miss A, but just take the time to PLAY with her. Is that right? It hurts my heart also to hear this. Because you aren't asking much, you are really being selfless if you are offering him playtime... My fav part.
-- Can you ask him for ideas for things for her to play with? A has a football and soccer ball (not toys, real deal) and DH plays rolls them with her. Maybe he has another interest (puzzles? books? building blocks? play guitar?) that would make him WANT to play with her more...
-- Talk to him about what parts of her care he enjoys and feels more inclined to do... I am like him, I like to be DOING things, so I get impatient at mealtime. DH is the opposite. So we switch off a lot so he can feed her. She eats better with him anyway. He says it's bc he just hangs back and waits her out. Meanwhile, I love his old job of giving her a bath bc it's playtime! I would have no patience for the toilet stuff either. But talking about it might help you guys see where you can each pitch in on things that fit your natural skill set.
I hope some of this helps... But more than anything, I just want you to know that I hear you, I'm here for you and I think you are one of the most amazing moms I know, even if I only know you online. XOXOXO
PS -- I didn't even address the 2nd kid issue... I don't know what to tell you there. It sounds like you want one, but have reservations. I think counseling and an open/honest disc with your DH would help. Keep in mind that having another would not only be nice for Miss A... But as you get older, it'd be nice for you too. More help, more company, more love, more laughter, more joy.
Malia & Dave & Alexa
Happily married since 2-17-08! Three since 9-9-09!
Baby Blog
jaime, i'm sorry i didn't respond earlier - i wanted to make sure I typed out a thoughtful reply, and well, i don't think there's anything i would have said that hasn't already been covered by now! anyhow, i think counseling and continuing open communication is a great idea, as it sounds like there is a big mismatch of expectations/beliefs. hopefully you'll find a compromise that works for both of you.
thinking of you lots, and sending tons of hugs your way.
Cerclage placed @ 21w6d due to CI (IC)
This is a really late response, but I just wanted to add a few comments. I obviously have no advice on how many kids you should have since I don't have one yet and have no idea what it takes to parent one, let alone two.
I don't think your husband should get a free pass just because he's a resident. Don't get me wrong--I recently finished residency and fellowship, and it sucked. The hours can be insane and it is taxing on your mind and body. Those 30 hour shifts take it out of you. But I also know that I've used residency as an excuse for being a crappy partner. I can be incredibly selfish sometimes, and I appreciate it when DH calls me out on my crap. He was really good at reality checks, and he still is.
Sometimes I worry about how good of a mom I'll make. I have lived a pretty selfish life up to now, and a lot of times my relationship with MH still revolves around me and my work schedule. It's not fair, and I do try to be conscious of it. My rambling might not be helpful at all. I guess I'm just saying that it's okay to need your own "you" time, and it's okay to expect YH to be more of a partner in parenting. I think counseling is a great idea. It might help him see that he needs to adjust his priorities (especially when it comes to his side business) and give you a healthy outlet for your feelings.
It does get way better. Now that I'm done with training, my life has improved 100%. My hours are great, and I have more energy to put into my relationships. But I'm also glad that I didn't just push pause on my real life during that period in my life. Good luck! You deserve serious kudos for shouldering so much of the responsibility.
{planning bio} {married bio} {baby blog}
First bigs hugs to you Jaime. You do a fabulous job as a wife and mommy and A & your hubby are so lucky to have you. The responses you received already are all full of great advice so I really don't have much to add, other than to do what's in your heart when it comes to deciding on baby #2.
For me, one of the biggest issues I see is the "me" time your DH expects. And I probably say this because I have my own issues with my DH and his "me" time. We have completely opposite work schedules. I work a normal M-F/9 to 5, and he works late evenings, weekends, and has 2 days off during the week. Great for Cassie and daycare issues, but not so good for our marriage and family. It's been like this for a while and I guess I've just come to embrace it for what it is. He does a fabulous job with Cassie on his days off from work, they venture out to the park, children's museum, or zoo, and then they have lunch. I love and appreciate that fact that he does these things with her, and not because he feels obligated, but because he genuinely wants too. He's always been a kid person, and Cassie really is his everything. But as much as I love hearing about their outings on his days off from work, I feel resentful sometimes because I'm expected to turn the "mama" button on the second I walk in the door on those days. I mean really, when do I get "me" time? When he works the weekends, I'm with Cassie allll day 24/7. I'm not complaining because this is just part of the job, my obligation to her as a parent, but I wish he could see that I don't just dump her on him the minute he gets home. When I get home from work, it's like "oh, I have to go do this or that, or I have to go workout..." It's rare that I ever get to do anything for myself. And I know that's partly my fault but really, with our crazy work schedules, when am I supposed to have time to myself? It bothers him that I stay up late at night working on the computer or watching tv while he goes to bed alone, but again, it's the only time of day I really have to decompress. It's so hard finding a balance :-
And I'm sorry for going off track and into my own problems there, just want you to know you're not the only one going through this. We are actually trying for baby #2 right now and it's scary sometimes. Thinking about our schedules, childcare, college, and everything else that comes along with it. I think Lori said it best: "we're not going to let today's circumstances affect us for the rest of our days. We'll find a way to make it work."
Good luck with your decision
sorry - I've been meaning to reply but just haven't been able to sit down long enough to do so!
I think you've brought up some good points here... i know that in the very early days when she was a newborn, I was quick to criticize the way he'd do things whenever he did step up... I'm such a type A personality that needs things done "just so" that I need to learn to let go sometimes and remember that there is more than one way to do things
I also never really thought of it as setting him up to fail but I think you are right. though I don't give him a choice all the time! sometimes I have told him I need to go do XYZ and he has flat out told me that he is busy, can't watch her, and that I need to do it later! that is what really irks me sometimes. I don't really get mad at him when I give him the choice and he chooses the non-BR task - I think in that case it is more disappointment that he does not want to do the BR task....
I do need to try to find some balance and take some more me time for myself. these days that mostly entails staying up at night after everyone has gone to bed to nest, work on my blog, watch TV, etc. I definitely need to try to find some activities to do outside of the home that help maintain my identity outside of being a mother/wife....
thanks
I totally agree, and I think sometimes he feels this way. he is always telling me that I don't understand his side of things but I don't feel like I am asking for too much from him....
don't worry, you will make a great mom
a lot of us, myself included, lived
pretty selfish lives up until we had kids...but a baby changes all of
that and you sort of have no choice but to change that once they are
around! and, if not at first (i was not all gaga over her to begin with,
our "relationship" had to blossom), eventually you will find that
having a baby makes you want to be less selfish and you happily make
sacrifices for your LO 
I am really glad to hear this... b/c initially he kept telling me "it will get way better" during his intern year but after he finished his intern year I didn't feel like things changed much. I think he does realize how hard things are right now, which is why when we last talked, he said he was considering waiting until he was done w/fellowship for us to have #2. (I don't want to wait that long b/c I'll be 35 by then and the kids would be nearly 5 yrs apart in age)
this exactly! I feel like why is it that I have to work and be "mama" the minute I walk in the door from work.....whereas when he comes home from work, he gets to have as much time as he needs to unwind and decompress? it is such a double standard. I have brought this up with DH before and he says it's different b/c I have plenty of "me time" when she is taking a nap (yeah, right!)
haha, this is me, too! only DH doesn't mind that I do it. I seriously go to bed hours after he does every night and he always asks me why I don't "sleep while baby sleeps" so i can feel rested in the morning...but it's b/c it's the only time I have for myself!
no need to apologize. it does help to hear that you are going through the same thing (though i'm sorry you are too).
i was wondering if you were going to have another baby
GL TTC #2 
and i agree - we always find a way to make it work! that's why we're good parents, right?
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats