If you're one and done...why?

SeaSoul · January 2011

Your choice?
DH's choice?
Circumstances beyond your control?

After this bust of a cycle I'm honestly not sure we will continue. We haven't talked about it yet, but I have a feeling DH will not want to proceed. He most definitely will not want to proceed with a more involved cycle (such as this one, which I realize is minor, relatively speaking) with ultrasounds, trigger shots, etc. (read: more $$$$).

In some respects I'm okay with this. I am tired of the roller coaster and it would feel good to know that I just don't have to worry about any of it anymore.

But it makes me so sad to think that Cal may not have a brother or sister. Don't get me wrong, I know many/most only children are perfectly happy and well-adjusted! And I know Cal would be. But he's such a people-person...I sometimes feel sad when I see him playing by himself, because I know he would be absolutely thrilled to have a live-in playmate.

We're not opposed to adoption, but again, that's big $$ and would take a long time to accomplish...and let's face it: I'm old. I'm ready to complete the family-building process in the very near future.

Temp848906437505510 · January 2011

It's funny, I was just talking about this today. I want to say that it's circumstances beyond our control, but, in reality, I guess it's our choice. After 8 IVF's to have Alana, we had decided that we would use our frozen embryo to try to have a second child and that would be it. As I've said on here, our embryo didn't survive the thaw and, as a result, I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me.

Why are we not trying again? The expense, especially for a DE cycle, especially after all that we've already gone through, especially since I'm not working just seems like something we don't want to incur. Then, throw in the logistics - I'll be 42 and Glenn will be 51 this year. Our donor is retired, so, we'd have to go through the process of selecting a new donor.

So, really is it all of those circumstances or is it, as a result of those circumstances, that we're choosing not to try again? To be perfectly honest, if it's the latter, which it seems to be, I'm really struggling with it and wonder if I'll regret, for the rest of my life, that we didn't push forward and keep trying - especially since I thought today that, if we win tonight's mega millions, my first call is to our RE to to start up again. I am really really struggling, for several family reasons, with the idea of only having one child....

Germanwife2b · January 2011

If I am one and done it will not be because of my desires or wishes. It would be because either DH won't agree to more treatments or because everything we could afford to do didn't produce another baby. I am in the camp of I will bend over backwards and do whatever I can to have more children but I believe DH is done after this next cycle (although he said that last time but since was pretty much devastated when there was no heartbeat at that last ultrasound with my m/c, he changed his tune quite a bit). We have IF coverage still, so as far as I am concerned, I will be trying until there is nothing left. DH will be the one to hinder this and I am not ok with that. But, it sounds like you might like off this roller coaster and that is perfectly understandable. But it is not over for you yet (at least, I don't think it is!)

emmyloustu · January 2011

LBR_NJ:
especially since I thought today that, if we win tonight's mega millions, my first call is to our RE to to start up again. I am really really struggling, for several family reasons, with the idea of only having one child....

If we win the mega tonight, I already told Sean I am paying for treatments for all of you who want more babies, but are limited in your choices due to financial concerns.

qtpa2t · January 2011

Circumstances beyond our control.

We're just simply old, it doesn't happen by itself, and we have no coverage. It makes me really, really sad to think Gabrielle won't have a sibling. We each have such small families as it is. She is the only grandchild. After everyone is gone, it will be just her. We had the one round to get her, and that is it. At least we have her.

leslies75 · January 2011

For us, it's really about how much we had to go through to finally get to our Jake. We just really don't want to do it all again. The pain, the anguish, the good ole' fun of IVF cycles aren't something we are looking to encounter again. Thankfully, we are not getting any pressure from anyone (family or whoever) to have another kid and we are happy with the decision. Jake spends plenty of time with other kids (at daycare) plus he has half a dozen cousins (one who is only 8 months older than him) and literally a dozen close friends who were born the same year as him all living nearby. I don't worry about him having someone to play with.

LucyPevensie · January 2011

I am back and forth on being one and done. For a while - it really hurt me to think "this is it." Then I got to a place where I felt more peaceful with it. In the beginning, DH was NOT interested in having another, and we were having problems, so it all seemed terribly unlikely. Now, he is less opposed to it, but neither one of us is interested in pursuing additional fertility treatments, mainly due to finances - we just don't have that kind of disposable income and I'm not willing to take out a loan. However it's funny - I too was thinking tonight that if I win mega millions (oh - I need to check, I probably already did!) - one of my first spendathons will be a big fat IVF cycle.

For now though - with out situation being what it is, financially mainly at this point, I am semi-OK with being one and done. It would be such a huge strain on us to do otherwise (even without extra treatments, the cost of another child would be tough for us to absorb - me leaving work OR trying to get childcare for 2 kids, etc.) But if it were to miraculously happen on its own (highly unlikely for a million reasons) - I'd be nervous but in the end, excited. So I don't know. I'm kind of OK with it not happening but not without a few pangs - I guess that's the most accurate description of where I am with it right now.

here4u · January 2011

I am honestly afraid of the PTL, preemie experience again, and especially now to do that with a toddler thrown in the mix. DH really wants another, but has respected my reasons for not having anymore. For one, we would need a 3 bedroom if we were to have another child, and I want to go back to work when Sophie starts school (which she will be starting in the fall most likely). DH & I have accepted the reality that we won't have a "surprise" baby and we really don't want to go through treatments again, even though we have coverage. The rollercoaster of IF has really tainted us

JillAly · January 2011

emmyloustu:

If we win the mega tonight, I already told Sean I am paying for treatments for all of you who want more babies, but are limited in your choices due to financial concerns.

That was my reaction when someone asked me what I would do if I won it! I said I would pay for my kids education, buy a comfortable home and then pay for bumpie's IF treatments until everyone got their dream.

To answer your question, from my siggy, obviously I am not one and done. However, after my son was born my DH said we were one and done. It was really hard for me to accept it because I always wanted 2 kids. DH's reasons were that we were both over 40, I had a really hard pregnancy, and financial reasons of IF treatments. I just slowly broached the subject of a second child and let it sink in for a while with dh. Slowly, over several years (it really took that long), dh came around and we did IVF again.

Emotionally, it was hard to go back to IVF again but I just kept telling myself that it worked once so it could work again. When my first cycle was cancelled b/c of poor response, I was devastated and we almost quit. I had a good cry and said one more time- I had one more IVF partial coverage with insurance and I didn't want to look back and always wonder if it would have worked. I feel lucky every day that it did, but if it hadn't, we would have been one and done.

kittylove · January 2011

We are 1 and done by choice. For me it is about all the things I don't want to do again: lack of sleep, ppd/ppa, and the fact that I feel my life is complete with one child. I realize some people say I am cheating him out of a sibling, but I honestly don't feel I would be a good parent to two kids. I would rather cheat him out of a sibling than out of a good parent. Make sense?

desabean · January 2011

I am exactly where you are. I'm not one and done....yet. But we get one more fresh cycle and then two frosties and that is it for us. I want G to have a sibling really badly but I am also afraid of the rollercoaster and putting my life on hold for treatment cycles that may not (and it this point I feel the odds are against us) pan out.

I just wish someone would leave a healthy baby on my doorstep with a notarized letter to let me be his or her mommy ; )

rockvillebride · January 2011

Circumstances beyond my control.

I've had chronic pain ever since the delivery and go to therapists weekly to keep it manageable. It just wouldn't be smart for us to put my body through that again. Financially, adoption does not seem to be an option for us either. I'm totally not okay with it yet, but I'm really, really working on it!

chocolatechip06 · January 2011

I think we are one and done-we have to decide some (I'll be 35, need to find a new RE etc), due to finances, circumstances beyond my control and myself.

It took us 5 IVF's and laprascopic surgery after we lost the twins to have DS. We used to live in MA where IVF is covered, but we would now have to pay OOP with a new set of doctors who don't know me (I'm a very dificult IVF case to cycle).

Due to my first c-section with the twins, I had a repeat c-section with DS. Apparently my uterus was very, very thin (36 weeks) and if I have another baby we might have to deliver even earlier (35 weeks or so ) to avoid uterine rupture.

That's not a chance I want to take, DS already had NICU time and I don't know if I can handle being pregnant with a 1 year old.

We have to make a decision in the next month or so I think. If I could get pregnant without dealing with IVF then I would go for a second.

SeaSoul · January 2011

I appreciate all your thoughtful responses...it's a tough decision for most of us and you all have clearly thought it through! Here's hoping I will be okay with the idea of it, someday soon.

PeachyKate · January 2011

We are somewhere around 90% on the decision of being 1 and done. I am 100% sure I never want to do IVF again since I am unable for whatever reason to create a decent embryo although there is always the possibility for us to get pregnant on our own again. The next thing I think of is my miscarriages and how I just don't want to go through anymore of those but with my history I doubt that is likely if we tried again.

The thing I really don't think I can go through again is being pregnant, I would miss out on too much of Jax's life being sick with his sibling. I had never felt so sick, alone, and depressed in my entire life than I did when I was pregnant. DH and I really grew apart when I was sick because he didn't know what to do for me and hated that I was at my parents house all week in another state when he was at work. Things are getting better but it is going to take a while since we don't really have alone time right now:) It was worth it in the end without a doubt and I know it would be again but at what cost.

If we had the cash we would adopt in a heartbeat but we don't. I am so grateful for Jax though that I am more at peace with one and done than I thought I would be but I am not quite to the point where I want to get my tubes tied yet.

EastCoastBride · January 2011

kittylove:
We are 1 and done by choice. For me it is about all the things I don't want to do again: lack of sleep, ppd/ppa, and the fact that I feel my life is complete with one child. I realize some people say I am cheating him out of a sibling, but I honestly don't feel I would be a good parent to two kids. I would rather cheat him out of a sibling than out of a good parent. Make sense?

It's interesting you say this.

We're one and done. It was a hard choice to come to. It's many factors - the expense being one. It took us 5 rounds of IVF and while we had 4 frozen embryo's, we decided to donate them to research at CCRM. I was 38 w/ DS and I would be at least 41 w/ #2. I just don't know if I have the energy for another!

Also, my DH's job is 2 weeks on/ 1 week off. The two weeks he's on, I have to plan on being a single mom. And this is what kind of takes me to what Kitty said - being "on" for 2 weeks (even though DH can come home sporadically and when he does, he takes as much of the work off of me as he can, but I can't rely on it at all) w/ just DS is exhausting to me.

To try and get out and about, see friends, run errands, etc etc etc w/ just me and DS - it just gets really tiring for me. when I think of doing it w/ two - it truly makes me cringe. I'm not a super high-energy person to start with, then mix in that I'm 40... I just don't know that I have the energy to do it w/ 2.

And even more directly, I feel like 2 would stress me out more and not allow me to be the best parent I can be. I feel that I'm patient w/ DS, can roll w/ things pretty easily. But when I feel my patience stretched, I again think "God, what if I had a baby to handle right now too?".

Like another PP, we're a small family. DS is the only grandchild. All of that. I just hope that between our larger extended family (but not local), our friend group, and also hoping that DS makes his own strong friendships in life - that he'll never really be "alone".

BoxTer · January 2011

I actually think I could get PG again without any intervention, though I don't know for sure. My cycles have regulated and they weren't before. I got an IUD because I don't want any surprises! Like some of the PP's who are one and done by choice, I just don't feel like I would be a great parent to two or more children. I feel kind of overwhelmed a lot by the one that I have! I kept waiting to feel that desire to have a second child, but it never came. I always thought I'd have two kids, probably because that seems to be the norm in society, but after having N, I just didn't feel the need. I felt complete. I like the balance I have in my life. I'm happy working FT and when I am home, I can focus on N 100 percent. DH and I have time to do things on our own, both date nights and vacations, and that is very important to me, as is having time to myself. I don't know how we'd manage it with multiple kids without going crazy (well, I know DH could handle it better than me). I also know there are no guarantees that having another child would mean that N would be close with him or her. My mother is estranged from one sister and barely speaks to her other two siblings. My dad is always arguing with his sister. I would hope that N and her sibling would be close, but that wouldn't necessarily be the outcome.

I think my opinions may be a little biased because I am an only child and I didn't think it was so bad! I have a great relationship with my parents and I had a lot of good friends growing up so I never felt really lonely and I intend to give N the same opportunities that I had - having friends over to spend the night, letting her bring a friend on trips with us, etc.

I know it is hard when the choice is taken away from you, but I hope you can find peace in being one and done if that is what happens.

SeaSoul · January 2011

To those of you who said you don't think you would be able to handle 2 - I can relate. I very much feel that way. So tired all the time; patience wearing thin...hard to imagine being able to parent 2 young kids well, and maintain my sanity. So, in a way that's good...if I were totally gung-ho on a personal level (in addition to simply wanting to provide a sibling for Cal) it would be harder to accept the possbility of not having another.

kristinem17 · January 2011

qtpa2t:

Circumstances beyond our control.

We're just simply old, it doesn't happen by itself, and we have no coverage. It makes me really, really sad to think Gabrielle won't have a sibling. We each have such small families as it is. She is the only grandchild. After everyone is gone, it will be just her. We had the one round to get her, and that is it. At least we have her.

This. Exactly.

Million$$Baby · January 2011

Can I answer even though I have two?

Right after we brought Charlie and Lily home from the NICU I was so gung-ho about wanting another baby. I felt cheated by my pregnancy and birth and wanted a chance to do it all "normal" and maybe enjoy it a tad. But as C&L got older, life got easier and a lot more fun, and I started to rethink the whole "third baby" thing. Then I started to think that there is no way in hell I could emotionally handle another pregnancy or delivery - what if it went the same way as my last one?! And I don't even want to THINK about dealing with all the IVF crap again.

But really, I just like our lives the way they are right now. I feel like ME again, now that C&L are older and I'm not up all night and in an endless clycle of feedings. We're all happy, and I really just don't want to press our luck by trying to add to our family. DH feels the same way, which is nice. I'm quitting while I'm ahead.

PrincessShay80 · January 2011

We are one and done for now and most likely forever. We will never do fertility treatments again, I just have no desire. Adopting again maybe- but not for at least 4-5 years, and I'm pretty sure a surprise BFP is out of the question- considering the fact that I never got pg in 3 years!

DH and I are totally fine with just having DD- we are so in love with her, and after all the drama over the past several years of trying to get pg- we just want to be a family and not deal with trying to get pregnant. I never thought I would get to be a mom, so the fact that I get to do that with such a wonderful child is enough for me.

DH and I love to travel ( I traveled all over the world as a kid) that is very important to us, we want to take DD everywhere, also having her get the best education is very important to us, there is no way she will go to public school here in Las Vegas. So from a finanical standpoint we can give her everything she would ever want if we only have one.

I never worry about her being lonely- our close frineds have kids her age, and my neice and nephew are 12 days younger then DD- so she won't be lonely.

oct92004bride · January 2011

so glad this was posted! I still wish the bump would give us an only child board! I think we could all use the support. Dh wanted to be one and done and I couldn't possibly imagine not giving our 2 frosties a chance, so we are doing a FET at the end on the month if they don't work we are one and done. I'm sure it will take me some time getting over not having any more children if it doesn't but as long as we have our DD I will be fine

It makes me sad having a small family we also live out of state from all our family too

Oh well what ever is supposed to happen will I guess.

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