Crazy hormones and irrational MIL fears (long)
ashleyrsotomayor
member
Hi ladies! I hope everyone is well, I have been so busy and haven't been on forever. We were in California celebrating New Year's with family all weekend and then it was back to work this week and busy, busy, busy.
Anyways, I think I cried every single day last week, multiple times. It must be the crazy hormones, but I am having totally irrational MIL fears. We live across the country from both of our parents, and DH and I have been arguing about who will be here for the delivery. I personally want a few days for DH and I to be alone with baby just adjusting to our new family before being attacked by visitors, but he wants his parents there for the birth (obviously not in the room, just in the state). His parents tend to come for extended periods of time...as in 3 weeks sometimes. That is WAY too long in my opinion, especially since MIL will most likely be staying with us a couple of months when I go back to work to help out. She will already have plenty of time with baby. My parents on the other hand don't get as much time off work to visit. I want them to be able to have their time with baby without having to share with DH's parents. Not to mention I don't want my parents to feel like they have to get a hotel while DH's parents stay at our house, and there isn't enough space for all of them. I even agreed to allow his parents to stay for a week if my parents could be here the first week alone. He acted all disappointed and is acting like he doesn't want to do that and he wants his parents here right away when baby comes. He only gets two weeks off work, and it sucks to have to have visitors both of those weeks when I would really like alone time with our new family, but I don't think I am going to get my way on having some time for just us. All I want is my parents to get their own time, and his parents to be limited on their time here. We already spend a LOT more time with them than my parents. Plus, I have these CRAZY fears that when MIL is here she is going to try to take over and that the first couple of weeks I won't get to have any time with my baby and neither will DH. Same thing when she comes out to help after my maternity leave. I just am terrified that her and FIL will just take over their grandbaby and DH and I won't have any time to be alone with baby. Am I just crazy? I seriously have nightmares and crying fits about MIL taking my baby. Culturally, as a Latino family, it's the norm for the in-laws to help out a lot with baby, but that's not my culture and it's hard for me. I know they only want to be helpful, but DH won't say anything about my fears. Sorry for the long vent. I just had to get this out to someone besides DH.
Re: Crazy hormones and irrational MIL fears (long)
I feel the same way, and even then I don't want my mom around too long. I want DH and I to have alone time with baby too. DH just doesn't get it and he gets mad when I tell him he needs to explain that to his mom and dad. I speak Spanish, but I am afraid my emotions would get the best of me trying to explain that to her and it wouldn't come out well. He is all mad because he wants them there. I am not going to let it go, but he gets mad every time I bring it up, then I start crying and having a meltdown.
Your DH needs to realize this is not your culture and that you need time to get comfortable breastfeeding (or whatever) during that first week and that you want your parents only to help you and that's that. He can have hurt feelings all he wants- that first week especially you don't need the added stress of in-laws in your house. They will get over it.
My mother-in-law is probably coming for a couple of months from Ukraine as that is my husband's culture, and she doesn't speak a word of English! I am willing to have her come, (and she'll be on a pull out couch because we have two bedrooms and one will have DD and SS in it) but I have laid down all of the ground rules and I made it clear to DH that if she does not want to play by those rules, then she is not welcome. This is my child and I won't have anyone interfering with the way DH and I have chosen to raise her-- we will make the mistakes every new parent makes and I don't need anyone telling me what to do or taking my baby away all the time.
And, incidentally, that goes double for my mother who had this idea of giving the baby a paci/bottle, etc., and I laid down the rules twice as hard for her. You just have to be strong, and be willing to stand up for yourself and not care if they disagree.
Harper Oksana, born on her due date, January 20, 2011, and the love of my life
You are not alone with these kinds of fears. It sucks that so early in our pregnancies we're worried about stuff like this when there are other things to think about! I have an (irrational) fear that as soon as the baby is delivered my MIL is going to barge in and snatch it from me before we have had a chance to nurse, bond, name it, etc. I'm afraid she is always going to be hogging it and that my mom is going to feel jilted.
The problem is, I don't think either of us is being totally irrational (but it's very easy for people to blame everything on our hormones right now rather than admit that maybe we have a legitimate concern and needs we want/need addressed).
Perhaps table the conversation for a couple weeks so you can both get some perspective. Obviously neither of you is going to get everything you want on this one...but a compromise might work? 1st week alone so you can get the alone time you want with DH and baby. 2nd week with his parents so he gets what he needs. 3rd week with your parents so that the first week DH goes back to work you have some backup, and so they have some alone time with you and baby. Then your parents could also stay with you and wouldn't need a hotel. If parents want to come for a couple days for the birth, lovely, but then they go home until their week of visiting comes, and both stay in a hotel that trip so it's fair. (of course, I have no idea where they live and how feasible coming twice would be for either of them....just thought I'd offer up a suggestion!
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Good luck!!!!