BM told girls we were sleeping together: Advice needed
Hi Ladies, I'm looking for some advice again. SO and BM have been having some problems getting along lately so in order to hurt SO's relationship with his girls (ages 13 and 11), BM told them that SO and I are "having sex all the time in their house while they're gone" then told SO that "the girls know what kind of father they have now". They are really close with their dad so this really shook them all up. They seem to be back to normal with SO but we're not really sure what he should do from here. I know for some of you this kind of thing is par for the course but it's the first we have dealt with something like this. Any advice on how SO should handle this from those of you that have been there?
FYI, I have never stayed over at his house, regardless of whether the kids are there or not. We've tried very hard to go slow in getting them used to their dad dating so I didn't want to risk anything like that. Before this the kids and I had a distant, but fun friend-type relationship but I hadn't even seen them since late Oct.
Re: BM told girls we were sleeping together: Advice needed
I say - keep up the good work! Actions speak louder than words. Continue to not stay at the house when the kids are there or not there. Spend more time with them...two months is a big gap if you are trying to get them used to this (unless you live far away). Keep the PDA to a minimum when they are around, but make sure they know you care about their father, them, and everyone's feelings through your actions. They are old enough to pick up on this stuff.
You're right, it is a big gap. BM told them in early Nov. that it was not ok to like me or spend time with me (that's a quote) so we were trying to give that time to die down but right as they start to settle down from one thing she says something else (am I sensing a pattern?). Mix in illness and a grandfather in the hospital and it never seemed to come together. So you think it's ok for me to spend more time with them after this instead of waiting it out?
Good point. Waiting for BM to be ok with relationship = waiting for he!! to freeze over. Check.
We've been dating for not quite 6 months.
She does, doesn't she? Yes, they are and have been for a while now. I didn't even meet him until after the divorce was done with. SO is the custodial parent and she's admitted to being jealous of his great relationship with the kids so I think that has a lot to do with it. She finally saw an opportunity to make him look bad in their eyes and jumped on it. It's just so sad that she had to take it to this level.
With all that's shown on tv, in movies, videos, songs, sex ed class, etc... a 13 and 11 yo probably already have "some" idea as to what goes on in an adult relationship. That being said... they probably don't want to hear about EITHER one of their parents doing it.
As PP said, Dad should just tell the girls that sometimes people say things they don't mean when they're upset. He should then have a little discussion with BM and explain that it's inappropriate for either of them to make comments about the other's sex life to the children. He doesn't need to explain the amount of time you spend at the house or if there are sleepovers... frankly, it's none of her business.
I am the first relationship he's had since the divorce. As far as BM, she's been slightly hostile to all 3 of the kids about liking me and passive-agressive to SO... never to this extreme but I think I know why now. Shortly before the holidays SO ended up in the hospital unexpectedly and it really scared everybody. I was with him in his hospital room (his family all lives out of town) keeping him company and she came in unexpectedly. We were holding hands and laughing, trying to stay positive. It's taken her to a whole new level of unpleasant since she actually met me and saw us together. She actually caused such a scene at the hospital she was asked to leave. It's been bad ever since so I think we're in for a long road. Thanks for all the advice, I'm sure it's going to come in handy.
Dude, people in adult relationships sleep together. I'm sure at 13 and 11 they are well aware of this. Treating these kids like delicate little creatures who will faint dead away if told something unpleasant only sets up a precedent of you being the secret squirrel girlfriend and mom holding you all hostage. So no.
I really wouldn't say anything about it if I were SO unless they talk to him about it. And if they do, I would tell them quite simply that what two adults decide to do in their relationship is personal and private and it would be a violation of his privacy and yours to give the girls any details.
I wouldn't go the isn't true route because should the relationship progress, it absolutely will be true and SO is under no obligation to inform his daughters of his sexual proliclivities nor it is healthy of him to involve them in that aspect of his life OR set up the expectation that his relationships are platonic.
ETA: This is also a good opportunity to talk about sexuality anyway. I think it's fuuked up that the mother is making your SO seem like an asshat based solely on his sexlife. If I were him, I'd tell the girls that sex is personal and that having sex in a trusting monogamous relationship is perfectly acceptable and has no bearing on what makes someone a good person. SO and BM are no longer married and as such, they are both free to see other people.
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THIS especially the bolded part. I think especially given the ages of the girls it is very important for him to have a direct talk about sexuality in relationships and the difference between adult relationships and teenage relationships.
I hope BM realizes she can lose her children over alienation to that degree. It's a form of verbal and mental abuse... it really can hurt and upset children. Our BM did the same thing (told the children inappropriate things in order to get them to hate me) and she has supervised visitation (mostly because even after being warned several times she kept up the behavior).
We just kept up good standing with the children. Actions DO speak louder than words. We also reminded the children that she was angry, and angry people sometimes say things that are not true about other people to hurt them.
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The sad thing is that SO really doesn't want it to get there! He'd love to make things work out calmly with her but to be honest we're starting to doubt she's capable of that kind of self control. If she can't play nice he's prepared for that too. One thing I've learned from lurking around you ladies is 'document, document, document' and that's exactly what he's doing. Hopefully it'll end up being unnecessary but if not then she's slowly sealing her own fate both with custody and with the opinions her children have of her.