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VBAC
ILoveRunning
member
Replaying labor in my head- blaming MW
ILoveRunning
member
in VBAC
It has been 8 weeks to the day since my DS was born, and there are times when I replay the labor in my head and pick apart what we could have done to prevent the c-section. I know this is normal, and I know that you can't anticipate everything, and that labor is unpredictable. However, as I sit and reflect I become more and more convinced that my midwife could have done better and it is tearing me up inside. And even if she couldn't have prevented the c-section (which is certainly possible), I still get upset with how unwilling she was to answer certain questions towards the end of my labor. Gah! How do I get over these feelings?
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Re: Replaying labor in my head- blaming MW
It's been over a year for me and I'm still fuming at my OB and L&D nurse. My L&D nurse decided to chart her opinions instead of what I was feeling which made everyone force my epidural sooner than I wanted. After the epidural was in I started turning colors and this made my OB jump to immediate c-section.
My baby is safe and healthy. I am thankful for this. I am still upset for how my delivery went when I wanted a VBAC. I still want a VBAC, anything to keep from having a 3rd c-section. I am so tempted to stay at home and labor as long as I can since my advocates (L&D nurse and OB) suck at helping me achieve what I would like.
The truth is you aren't over how you feel because you are still upset about it. It's normal. I'm upset about my delivery and that was in December 2009. I know how you feel. You might be ready to get past it in 6 months or 6 years from now. Those are feelings you are entitled to and have every right to hang on to them till YOU are ready to let them go. I'm still working on mine.
I also felt this way for a long time. After my c/s, I learned more about the situation that led to it and found out that 1) my OB failed to recognize what was going on 2) there were more things we could have tried besides just going to the OR 3) some of the things she told me were not supported by medical science. I was also upset by the way she treated me and she seemed very reluctant to discuss anything with me, both leading up to my c/s and afterward. So I became very angry with her and with myself for allowing this to happen.
I had to work through these feelings. I wish I had some magic way to get over it, but I don't. It took time and there were a lot of days where I felt like I would be angry and bitter about my c/s forever. Learning more about how I could do things differently next time helped me to feel better and put the past in the past.
Now I feel mostly at peace with what happened (although that may change if I end up with a repeat c/s, so we'll see). You can get there too. Be patient with yourself and kind to yourself.
I think time and finding a new provider are what have helped me the most. It was hard for me to let go of the distrust and anger toward the experience with my OB until she was no longer my caregiver and I'd found someone who I felt I could have more of a dialogue with.
Other things that have really helped is hearing other people's stories (it gave me the knowledge that I wasn't alone, that my feelings weren't selfish or unwarranted) and journaling about what exactly my emotional problems and fears were about my c/s and now VBAC attempt (most of that I've done since getting pg again). At this point, granted, over 2 years later, I don't really have a lot of anger at my OB. I don't hold her in the highest regard, but the anger is gone.
Yes, this helped me so much. Just knowing that other women had felt this way and I wasn't crazy or selfish or ungrateful made a big difference.
Like others have said, give it time. It took me a full year, at least, to deal with all the "what-ifs" with DS1's birth, and his was a pretty clear-cut (no pun intended!) reason for a c-section. And then when I got pg with DS2, I had to deal with all my fears and sad feelings from DS1's birth all over again. So it's a process.
Would it help to talk to her about it? I did end up specifically getting a pap smear with the MW who was at DS1's labor a few months after he was born, just to ask her exactly why everything went down the way it did. She gave me the usual "oooh, no one can predict labor or what position the baby is in!" line, but in the end she was able to at least sympathize as to why I was upset with having had a c-section...it did make me feel better to at least let her know how I felt?
At any rate, you really aren't alone in how you feel - hopefully that alone makes you feel at least a teeny bit better. hth
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
You're definitely not alone. After a year, I still have regrets and anger, but it has softened. The difference is that I blame myself for being so weak. I really disappointed me. I knew the games they were going to play because I had read so many stories before. But after 60 hours of labor, I just lost my resolve. I am now learning to forgive myself. But next time, you can be sure that I will set myself up to succeed with the appropriate support group - a new Doctor and a DOULA!!!
Try not to beat yourself up too badly. And don't listen to all those people who say "you should be happy because the baby is healthy." they just don't get it.
Ditto everyone else -- time is the only thing that has really helped. Even after finding out at 1 month pp that there was a very specific reason DS wouldn't fit through the birth canal (he had craniosynostosis--the sutures in his head were prematurely fused and his head literally could not fit; he had skull remodeling surgery at 3 months), I was very angry with my practice of MWs. They tried to come visit me when I was still in the hospital, but I was almost seething because I didn't feel like I'd received the best care possible. Now that I know why a c/s was necessary and now that some time has passed since that crazy week (my recovery was awful--spinal headache and nausea for 3 days plus a baby who woulnd't really latch), I am more at peace with my c/s.
So, no, you're not alone. I'm sure many of us feel this way.