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redshoegirl
member
why the drama??? (MIL related rant)
redshoegirl
member
The ILs issued a last minute invite to us to spend the New Years Eve afternoon with them. We declined for a few reasons.
First, they want to have a picnic at a certain park, and that particular park has no shade. Nothing. Not a single tree or shade structure. And it's the middle of summer. And the picnic was planned to take place at noon.
Second, SIL is terminally late (and I mean really late - she once served us a dinner at 10.30pm even though it was meant to start at 6pm), which means there was absolutely no way that we'd be home in time for Will and Dash's 1pm nap; after the horrible Christmas celebration, Ben and I weren't particularly keen on that idea.
So we said thanks, but no thanks. And now we're horrible, awful people who "are trying to avoid MIL and SIL." Seriously?!?
I just don't get it. I really don't. We didn't say we never wanted to see them again. We suggested having lunch at our house instead of the park so that we could put the boys down for their nap if SIL was running late, as is inevitable. We always try to accommodate every request to get together that MIL has (and she wants to have a family celebration every damn holiday - I swear if they had Arbor Day here, she'd insist on a freaking day long event for it).
But because we don't want to drag our 8 month old sons to a blazing hot park to sit in the sun while they become increasingly overtired, we're bad people - and probably me more so than Ben since he's grown steadily less inclined to do these kinds of things after getting married and having kids. Usually we come up with some little lie - "Oh sorry, we're already going to a friend's house!" - but this time Ben was still sh!tty about Christmas so he just told MIL flat out that we weren't interested (personally I think it's better to be honest to help draw boundaries even if she's unhappy, but he usually prefers to avoid the drama and I can't say I blame him).
Why does this kind of thing always have to be such a damn drama? WHY?????
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Re: why the drama??? (MIL related rant)
I totally agree, and this is basically what I said to Ben. I leave the actual declining up to him - our agreement is that he deals with his family and I deal with mine, so I pretty much just let him say/do what he's comfortable with. But as it stands, his boundary with MIL is nearly nonexistent. He's not spineless, she's just a steamroller, so even though it's easier to come up with an excuse than deal with the fallout of just saying "no," it doesn't help long term.
FIL deals with MIL's moods and demands primarily by using avoidance strategies, so Ben has grown up seeing that as the only way to deal with her. It's taken him a few years of watching me stand my ground to realize that there's another way of handling her, and it does work - she may not always like me, and things might be uncomfortable for a while, but she certainly (and I suspect rather begrudgingly) respects my wishes a great deal more now than she did 2 years ago.
Yeah, like you guys, MH and I also do the I-deal-with-my-family, you-deal-with-yours thing. I don't think MH stands a chance in dealing with mine =P haha
My family also like to create drama when my mom doesn't talk to me or see me as often as she'd like--cuz then she gets lonely and dramatic and gets the whole family involved (my parents live close by, she has no friends here and no job [she was a SAHM all her life] and *no* hobbies--except for her kids--but we're all grown now). It's kinda funny (or annoying actually) because I used have to change my ringtone for my parents like every other week because MH gets sooo sick of whatever song I use for their ringtone cuz they'd call several dozen times a day =P And I had a filter for emails from them to go into a different folder so I could read them when I'm in a good mood, because if I'm already stressed, reading some of these drama-filled emails can really make my blood boil! So yeah, boundaries is always a work in progress and we've actually made huge strides in that area (ie. I haven't changed ringtones in a while now, etc) but it's always a constant battle to keep the boundaries set and moving forward. If MIL is anything like my parents, they'll always try to push it back so GL!!!We do the same thing, we each deal with our own family (and each of them has their fair share of drama!) Ryan does a very good job of sticking to his guns but he's also very hardheaded too
We're a lot alike in that way. I agree that he has to tell her "no we just want to do our own thing" and not that you have other plans (unless of course you really do). It's good for her to know that sometimes you just want to enjoy your little family which doesn't include her.
I think the way you grow up plays a BIG part in how you deal with things. I'm still learning and so is Ryan. He was used to doing certain things for the holidays and part of him wants to do them and part of him wants to start our own tradition. It's a work in progress for finding what works for us since we live close to his family. My family is 8 hours (by car) away so it's not like a quick trip to do things. So most holidays are spent here which means we're invited to many things with his fam. Last year we said no about certain things and then ended up doing them so as not to hurt feelings. This year we said no and it worked out just fine (or at least no one expressed that they were upset).
Good luck to him! Dealing with drama is HARD!!
Jaime & Brent
Oahu, Hawaii | Sept. 9, 2005
My Food Blog - Good Eats 'n Sweet Treats
Unfortunately, I think it's simply that she doesn't understand that it's not all about her. (although I thought she'd have a better grasp on that since she watches them sometimes!)