BM to move away when she finds out Im Pregnant

johnsonia · January 2011

Hello, I have lurked here for a while but havent posted here. Not really sure why I am posting but I feel like I need to get this off of my chest. I am 13 wks pregnant and we have announced to our families etc, all except for my BFs 4yo DD and his ex(DD's BM)

They have a decent relationship. The BM has full physical custody and they have joint legal. They have been separated/divorced since DD was an infant. He is able to see his DD just about every day. He picks her up from school m-f and we keep her every other weekend, and 2-3 nights during the week in addition to about 4 hrs after school every day. (So she's with us a lot!) Her and I have an amazing relationship and we both love each other very much.... now for the drama..

Currently her BM lives about 10 mins away from us. She has threatened in the past to move to Long Island(closer to her mother and brother and job) My BF was able to convince her not to move. So thus far she has agreed. I am so concerned for how she (BM) will react when she finds out that we are expecting. BM does not like me at all and BF's DD is very aware of this (she has told me "Mommy doesn't like you..." and other stuff too) I am scared for how this all may negatively affect our relationship with his DD, and how DD will then feel towards our new LO, or about me & her dad.

Our feeling is that she (BM) will immediately move to Long Island. Thus making it impossible for my BF to see her everyday and less likely for us both to be able to spend as much time with her as possible. Obviously we will both continue to make huge effort to include her in our lives etc... but we know her mother wont be as flexible and as accommodating once she knows we are starting our own family.

I know theres not really an answer to all of this, it just breaks my heart to think of all of the changes this new baby will bring. We (my BF and I ) are so happy and excited and I would love to be able to share this with his DD and make her feel special becoming a big sister.

Anyone experience anything similar? How to deal when a birth parent is less than thrilled about a new sibling and how it affects the step children?

circe811 · January 2011

My understanding of joint legal means that your DH would have to consent to the move or else it would go through the courts.

Anyone else want to weigh in, am I correct on how that works?

Mrs.Astros_Fan · January 2011

I think you're worrying about way too much before anything has happened yet.

thatjessie · January 2011

joint legal for us here means that if a move changes the current child arrangement it gets taken back to court...i wouldnt worry until something happens though.

mommydale · January 2011

circe811:

My understanding of joint legal means that your DH would have to consent to the move or else it would go through the courts.

Anyone else want to weigh in, am I correct on how that works?

That was my understanding as well.

OP- you're worrying about something that may or may not happen. Is this just a concern that you have or is it both of you? Either way he needs to go over his CO and see if she could even move out of the area without his consent. I know with ours we can't move out of the school district without notifying SS's mom and vice versa.

gibs · January 2011

If BM won't be persuaded to stay and moves away with DD, you should move too, with your new baby. Otherwise, an innocent 4 year old who already has family drama suffers and loses access to her dad, and you and your man have no right to do that to her. Get new jobs, a new house, whatever it takes. He owes his daughter.

RedHeadedLeo85 · January 2011

gibs:
If BM won't be persuaded to stay and moves away with DD, you should move too, with your new baby. Otherwise, an innocent 4 year old who already has family drama suffers and loses access to her dad, and you and your man have no right to do that to her. Get new jobs, a new house, whatever it takes. He owes his daughter.

Seriously? What a way to let BM control their life... If they have the child more then the mother, then go for a swap in custody. If BM wants to move, let her. Don't uproot the child.

johnsonia · January 2011

There is a set # of miles she must stay withing. Where her mom + brother live (where we assume she'll go also) is within that mileage. But since its into long island and over bridges, there is always traffic and its a much longer commute than the miles illustrate. I know I'm stressing about stuff that hasn't happened yet, I'm just worried and scared for the changes. We have already talked ab the possibility of moving. We both do not want to. Neither my bf or I have any friends or family in longisland and would have no support system for our new LO.

karatechrissy · January 2011

pita2405:
gibs:
If BM won't be persuaded to stay and moves away with DD, you should move too, with your new baby. Otherwise, an innocent 4 year old who already has family drama suffers and loses access to her dad, and you and your man have no right to do that to her. Get new jobs, a new house, whatever it takes. He owes his daughter.
Seriously? What a way to let BM control their life... If they have the child more then the mother, then go for a swap in custody. If BM wants to move, let her. Don't uproot the child.

I think this is sarcasm. Gibs I've noticed has posted here a few times. He/she seems to have wacked out advice and o think just does it for attention/to stir the pot. Op- I think you are moving ahead way too much. You need to modify, or get a co. Most co's state that patent can't just up and leave. Our states if someone moves out of the greater las Vegas area that parent forfeits their parenting time and the other parent will receive full custody. Basically, we're all stuck till ss is 18. Anyway, calm down and get some real legal advice.

jpowell3 · January 2011

Hmm...perhaps I am the odd duck, but I think you have every right to be concerned/worried. You need to prepare yourselves for court. If you really have been seeing dd as much as you have then you need to document every day you see her & go back to court. Show them that you have been in her life every day and that bm can't just uproot her & leave. It is not what is best for the child. Also ask for more custody time.

CurlyQ284 · January 2011

jpowell3:
Hmm...perhaps I am the odd duck, but I think you have every right to be concerned/worried. You need to prepare yourselves for court. If you really have been seeing dd as much as you have then you need to document every day you see her & go back to court. Show them that you have been in her life every day and that bm can't just uproot her & leave. It is not what is best for the child. Also ask for more custody time.

I agree, maybe nothing has happened yet but I would think it would be easier to address this now in court than try to make her move back after she has moved.

moonfaerie · January 2011

circe811:

My understanding of joint legal means that your DH would have to consent to the move or else it would go through the courts.

Anyone else want to weigh in, am I correct on how that works?

That's how it works in MD.

CurlyQ284 · January 2011

moonfaerie:
circe811:

My understanding of joint legal means that your DH would have to consent to the move or else it would go through the courts.

Anyone else want to weigh in, am I correct on how that works?

That's how it works in MD.

But would that still apply if BM moves within the allowed mileage stated in the CO? OP said she's within the miles but its.a big jump time wise. My friends CO says they have to stay within the child's school district and the one who leaves forfeits custody.

johnsonia · January 2011

CurlyQ284:
moonfaerie:
circe811:

My understanding of joint legal means that your DH would have to consent to the move or else it would go through the courts.
Anyone else want to weigh in, am I correct on how that works?
That's how it works in MD.
But would that still apply if BM moves within the allowed mileage stated in the CO? OP said she's within the miles but its.a big jump time wise. My friends CO says they have to stay within the child's school district and the one who leaves forfeits custody.

If she moved it would be minimum 1 hr and about 15-20 min or so. And thats not during rush hr, etc. Thats just with the normal amount of traffic . The way it goes is that if she is planning a move, she must give my BF 90 days written notice. Then he has an opportunity to contest it. First the must go to mediation to come to an agreement. If they cannot come to an agreement then it goes to court. Usually he can persuade her or coax her. But we anticipate it not going that way once she finds out about this pregnancy.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I know theres not much all of us non-lawyers can figure out. But its at least nice to get it out where I know others are in similar boats. I guess we'll just have to see how it all pans out.

Thanks again

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