Update on DH's BFF moving in

ctrfrei1 · December 2010

A couple of weeks ago I posted looking for some advice on DH's BFF moving in with us. The advice was greatly appreciated and things have been working out pretty well.

However, there is one problem...

First let me explain that the BFF is living rent free, not paying for food, etc. He just graduated and is looking for a job and has no income. We told him from the beginning not to worry about it. Well he is dating a friend of mine and she is over here all the time. It seems like (almost) every time we are eating a meal she shows up and I ask her if she would like to fix a plate and she never turns it down. I'm not going to sit here and eat in front of a guest and its fine if she wants to eat with us, but I am a SAHM and on a tight budget with DH's salary. I have $50 a week to spend on groceries and that goes pretty quick when all of a sudden we have 2 more mouths to feed. I have discussed with DH the need to increase grocery budget, but is there some way to talk to the girl friend? I feel like there's nothing I can say without sounding tacky, but if there are any kind suggestions out there, I would love to hear it. TIA!

NancyBotwin · December 2010

I don't think you can talk to GF but you can talk to BFF. Just say, "we're happy to let you stay here while you find a job, but it's too hard on our income to also feed her." He shouldn't be inviting her over on your dime.

Ivana_Stolichnaya · December 2010

Reason #294 not to have a couch surfer. He needs to pay up, he's a grown up and can find some way of bringing in some cash, I'm sure Burger King has some openings if he's that desperate. There is no excuse for him to be living free of rent and getting free food, especially if his girlfriend is now begging for hand-outs too.

Tell him to start paying for his food, his rent and his utilities or get the eff out. No excuses, if he can't handle that then he can go crash on someone else's couch and take advantage of them. We'll see how long that lasts.

hoshicat · December 2010

Ivana.Stolichnaya:
Reason #294 not to have a couch surfer. He needs to pay up, he's a grown up and can find some way of bringing in some cash, I'm sure Burger King has some openings if he's that desperate. There is no excuse for him to be living free of rent and getting free food, especially if his girlfriend is now begging for hand-outs too.
Tell him to start paying for his food, his rent and his utilities or get the eff out. No excuses, if he can't handle that then he can go crash on someone else's couch and take advantage of them. We'll see how long that lasts.

Sadly, I tried to get a job when we moved here, but no one hired. I even tried fast food places and McDonalds didn't even have an opening for me. I'm still just now getting replies back to applications I sent in in August. Not arguing, just putting it out there.

(ETA) I stopped looking for a job when DF got his.

____

Living there rent free is great, but no matter where you live you should not get a free pass on food. If he really is a bff then he will understand that you can't provide food for both of them and he will find a way to help put food on the table. Even if he has to get help from the gf, he should be helping put food on the table.

Also, most guys I know, would rather just hear what you have to say about something than not telling them and causing a problem later. So just talk to him about it, and let him know how hard it is on you to feed all of them. Just be honest with him. He can handle it.

Couture21 · December 2010

I would address the BFF and not her. You are a saint for letting him move in and support him, but the BFF needs to know you are supporting him not his GF too.

eitaknna9 · January 2011

I pretty much agree with this 100%. Unless there is something that you left out, it does not seem like there is any reason that this guy cannot get out there and find some source of income even in the form of a temporary job (fast food, retail, freakin gas station) while looking for a more career-oriented job. I cannot understand why any reasonable adult does not see this as a viable option, but then again, I tend to think differently than some people.

Let's just say that I know people who have a seemingly hard time with this concept and I find it so irritating that a grown adult cannot figure out the concept of working to make ends meet while in transition whether it be between graduation and career, or just being between jobs.

sleepingbeauty825 · January 2011

If it were me I would probably just stop offering her food before sitting the BFF down to discuss the problem.

robinsokj · January 2011

I missed the OP so there might be pieces I'm missing.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that you should talk to both of them. She is your friend, and should be understanding. I would say its fine that she join you but that she needs to bring her share (and his, if she's feeling generous.)

And I find this kind of strange..

I'm assuming she has her own place. Wouldn't they want to do dinners alone there? Its like they are both free loading your food.

BellaAmor215 · January 2011

Have DH talk to his BFF and say it is fine if he wants her to come over, but if she is going to be eating over there every night, he needs to start buying groceries for him and her. Let him know you guys don't mind him living rent free and buy food for him while he gets on his feet (if you still aren't worried about that) but if she is going to be around more, it is too much of a struggle for you to buy groceries for 2 extra people.

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