I did it (big breaths....)
KelinandKevin
member
I just scheduled our first meeting with the adoption agency for January 4th. I received some really bad news from my RE a last week. I haven't told anyone yet (except for Colinda because she understands my level of crazy) and I am not sure I have the guts to tell Kevin quite yet. I am meeting with a different RE on the 17th to get her take on it but all signs point to FAIL. We still have 2 IVF's left that we paid for and I intend on using them, but there is no more hope of success.
So basically our next (and only) option is to adopt. We probably aren't going to be able to adopt an infant because 1) we can't afford it and 2) unless we get picked within the first year Kevin will be too old. However, we plan on applying for both US infant adoption and foster to adopt.
I am very scared/nervous/upset/excited about this. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I feel like a failure because it's my fault I can't give Kevin biological children or even carry someone else's embryo. I know he doesn't see it this way and it's not like I did anything wrong to cause or deserve this, but that fact is... I am the reason why we don't already have a baby and that we never will. I feel bad that he is getting punished because my body sucks. It's not his fault and I know he loves me but I can't help but feeling like I am holding him back from the life he so desperately wants. I know that's all crazy talk and you ladies will tell me to shut up... but those are the thoughts rolling through my head right now. I just need to get them out.
Thanks for listening! 
Re: I did it (big breaths....)
MTHFR 2 copies of C677t mutation homozygous 2/2010
Baby A born via c-section 1/10/12 @38w3d
BFP #1 11/4/09 m/c 4w3d baby crab
BFP #2 12/4/09 m/c 9w3d baby lion
BFP #3 7/1/10 m/c 4w1d baby fish
BFP #4 5/8/11
BFP #5 8/17/12 10dpo beta 7
Oh Kelin. I'm so sorry you received bad news. I'm truly devastated for you.
You're one of the funniest, sweetest women I know, and you're exactly right. You did NOTHING to deserve this.
Adoption is wonderful. You and Kevin will make amazing parents. Much love to you both.
{{{{{{HUGE HUGS}}}}}}
I am so sorry that you received this devastating news. I hope that the RE is worng and there is something that they can do for you in order for your next IVF to be successful. I also hope that the meeting on January 4th is successful.
<a href="http://s699.photobucket.com/albums/vv353/guppyamy/?action=view
BFP 12/18/2009. HB 1/4/2010. NO HB 1/18/2010. D&C 1/19/2010
April 2011 IUI #1 BFN. High FSH and other issues.
May 2011 Chose to build our family through adoption
September 2011 Actively waiting for a match
11/26/11 Surprise BFP * DD born 7/23/12
I am so sorry for the bad news. (And you're right, I am telling you to shut up. He wants you, end of story. And he's a lucky man to be your partner in life.)
I am so excited for you and this next step in your journey. You guys will be amazing parents, and it is a truly blessed child that will be brought into your family.
Dx: MFI- 3% morph
IUIs: Gonal-F + Ovidrel + b2b IUI= BFNs
IVF with ICSI= BFP! EDD 11/25/11
3/18- Beta #1 452! 3/20- Beta #2 1,026!! 3/27- First u/s- TWINS!
Our twin boys arrived at 36w5d due to IUGR and a growth discordance
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
My Blog
::big hugs::
I am so sorry you got bad news. I wish I could help you out more. If you have any questions or just wanna talk let me now. I'm here for you hun. Love you!!
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
April 2011 CP @ 5 weeks
I'm jumping in a little late Kelin.
But I don't think anything you are thinking and feeling is wrong or crazy.
In fact, I feel it all myself.
I am thrilled that we are adopting. But I'm still heartbroken that my husband won't see himself in a little boy...and that it's MY fault he can't.
I feel like I've failed him, and he's deprived of something because of me.
You are not alone in feeling this way.
I think it's possible to be completely thrilled about what adoption might hold, and be distraught too over what we're missing.
I'm so excited you made the call.
If you want to talk please find me. You are in my thoughts dear. I'm so sorry you have to be thinking about this.
Jenn
IVF#1 BFN IVF#2 BFP, loss at 19 weeks FET#1 BFN IVF#3 BFP, m/c FET#2 BFN
Missing our twins Zachary and Madison, lost at 19 weeks on 11/13/09, edd 4/9/10
BFP 7/17/10, m/c 7/25/10, edd 3/25/11
Ectopic, lost left tube 4/20/11, edd 12/6/11
my blog
::hugs::
I'm really sorry you got bad news.
I wish you the best of luck on your adoption journey.
BFP #2 4/13/10. Bridget born 12/28/10
BFP #3 Finn born 8/11/15
[url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1cb8c4.aspx[/img][/url]
Oh Kelin, I am so sorry for the bad news. Kevin loves you, no matter what happens in your parenting adventure but I understand your thought process - I think its a natural one to have.
I can't wait to hear about your adoption endeavors! You're going to be such a great mommy, no matter HOW it happens.
Missing our sweet Angeline. BFP #1: 7.12.09 / EDD: 3.15.10 / Missed Miscarriage: 8.14.10
BFP #2: 3.16.10 / EDD: 11.28.12 / Collin Rex born 12.1.10
TTC#2: May 2012
BFP #3: 7.5.12 / CP 7.12.12
BFP #4: 1.28.12 / EDD: 10.11.13
betas: 10dpo: 91 / 14dpo: 493 / first u/s: 3.4.13
What Allison said. With big big hugs.
I am very sorry to hear this Kelin, I will be sending lots of T&P's your way...
You are not crazy and this is not your fault, you can't control what your body does any more than anyone else can.
((BIG HUGS))
Hey Kelin,
I just came over to check on you and saw this post. Sorry I'm a little late. I was going to send you a PM so no one saw my tickers, but since other PAL ladies responded, I hope it's ok.
I just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry about the bad news you received from the RE. I know that, coming from me, a graduate of TTCAL, that there is probably nothing I can say to encourage you right now. Just remember that getting the devastating news that you just have, is a whole different kind of loss and you are entitled to all of the feelings and emotions that you have.
I also know that when I'm stuck in a spiraling-out-of-control thought process and depression that it helps to always have someone remind me of the truth. So I, along with your other supporters, want you to know that this is not your fault. And you have a wonderful husband, who loves you for you, in sickness and in health, for better, for worse. While he will probably grieve also (this is a loss for both of you), he is going to stick by you and you two are going to make amazing parents.
I am truly excited for you to begin your journey to becoming parents through adoption. Adoption is a wonderful thing and you two are going to bless the socks off one (or some!) lucky kid(s)! You are going to give a better life and incredible love to a precious little person.
You are amazing girl and we love you.
Oh Kelin, I am so sorry! Please know everything you are feeling is normal. I still feel like a failure even though we were blessed to have one. I keep reminding myself that when we do adopt that once I hold that baby in my arms that hopefully it will help with the hurt and resentment I have for not being able to have more and maybe then I will understand why God is letting me go through this and why my body is doing this to me, that holding those babies one day will be my reason. Please know I'm here and if you need anything please email me or you can always call me, I'll give you my number, I'm always here.
And I promise, as hard as you are being on yourself, Kevin loves you no matter what.
I am so very sorry you received bad news. PM or page me if you have any questions about my fostering experience. It really varies state to state, but there are very often infants that are taken from their parents immediately after birth here in VT. We were told that we had a good chance of getting an infant if we are interested, but my understanding is that this comes after putting in some "time" with an older child-- of course, we are falling in love with our (almost) 4-year-old and if it came to it, I'm sure we would adopt him. In VT, foster-to-adopt has the added benefit of free health insurance until 18 and college assistance-- I'm not sure if that's in every state, but you certainly don't get that with private adoption.
((hugs))