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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
NTR: I just need to say this to someone... (Looong)
OK, let me put a disclaimer up, if you've lost a parent, this may hit home. If you have experience with death or dying, the same goes. And with that said, I'm going to spill my guts, because I really don't want to talk to anyone IRL about this.
My Dad died almost 3 years ago. It was without a doubt a painfully defining time period in my life. However, he was sick, his death was not fast and unfair, it was slow and painful, so it was an end to suffering, that he accepted, and we, as a family, chose. Chose, meaning, we stopped treatments that weren't working and turned his care over to Hospice. When all of this happened, I'm not sure I ever really grieved. All my mom really has is me, I am an only child, she is a needy, naive woman by nature, I just took care of everything, it's what I've always done. Eventually over time she gained some independence, and life started to regain some normalcy. I got pregnant, and had a beautiful son, who happens to look a LOT like my dad. 
Fast forward to this summer. My mom's health (which was never wonderful) takes a rapid decline, and I spend weeks traveling back and forth (With a soon to be toddler in tow) between her house, my house, the hospital that she was in and out of, and various dr's offices with her. Her health conditions were brought back to a "manageable" level, but she was declared disabled, and can no longer work. Along with that, the medication she is on makes it unsafe for her to drive, causing her to rely on me for a lot more help. Over the course of say, the past 6 months, I've watched her health decline even farther, to where she seems to have moments of dimentia, and finally, took over her finances in the fall, because she was getting confused balancing her checkbook. This setup has been less than ideal for me, obviuosly, but she is my mother, and I will of course do all I can to take care of her.
When the holidays started coming around, she started talking about how special she wanted this Christmas to be, and I just started to get a "weird" feeling. I mentioned it to DH, and he basically dismissed it as some unresolved feelings over my dad. She wanted to try to have Christmas at her house, which we did, because it made her happy, and I couldn't shake this feeling that she was just acting odd. Specifically, she was acting the same way my dad acted the Christmas before he died. (Please don't think I'm crazy, I swear, I'm completely level-headed 98% of the time.) We didn't talk much yesterday (my dad's birthday) because I was busy, and I was really emotional, I miss my Dad A LOT. But when I talked to her today, she asked me if she could tell me something without me laughing. When I said yes, she said she was about to go to bed last night, and she heard my Dad calling her name. She said it was very clear, and no she wasn't sleepy or dreaming. She (a very Christian woman) believes he was calling her to come be with him.
I don't know why I'm typing all of this, except that I just had to get it out somewhere. And, I guess, a tiny part of me, has this really sick feeling that my mom is dying, and I don't know what to do with that.
If you made it this far, thanks for letting me spill... And if you're still reading, a thinking question, do you think we know when we're about to die?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NTR: I just need to say this to someone... (Looong)
I'm so sorry, that must be so difficult to go through. I would seriously think about telling all of this to her doctors, they need to know that she's acting "weird".
As for the dying thing I really don't know. My guess would be that she's having dementia issues.
I'm so sorry that things have been so rough I'll keep you and your mom in my prayers.
first {{hugs}} to you. i lost my father over 8 years ago and it still hurts like it was yesterday....the pain never fades.
and yes, i think your mom knows she is nearing the end and has maybe given up on life since she was sick and has declined to where she is now. she may just want to go in peace and be with your dad.....and i strongly believe that once your spirit lets go and stops fighting that the body follows and knows it is time to go.
i am sorry you are going through all of this....i would just reach out to your mom and make sure that you have said everything you need to say to her, so that you have no regrets.
Sometime I think people do, but sometimes I always think they just very much miss the person.
I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through - so much stress on top of trying to still properly grieve the death of your dad. Thinking of you guys.
First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
My MIL was quite ill for several years and DH and I watched her health decline. Shortly before she passed, she did act differently. It wasn't until after she passed that it clicked, though, that she'd been acting like DH's grandfather before he died. Perhaps your mom is just ready to be with your dad again. T&P are with you. GL.
I haven't experienced the loss of a parent but feel strongly about my grandmother not being here, and it has lingered for the past 17 years, and when you are that close to someone it is hard to get over. Prayer and talking helps alot for me!
I hope you are able to make it through a difficult time.
Yes, I believe 100% that some people know when they are about to die. My grandfather had pancreatic cancer and was actually at a point in fighting his disease where the doctors were confident that he had at least another comfortable year or two left. He'd just made it through a successful surgery and the doctors were planning on releasing him from the hospital on the Monday following the surgery. Well, on the night after his surgery (Saturday night) my grandfather had a dream that some of his good friends and family who'd passed on, came into his room and told him that they would see him soon. My grandfather woke up the next morning and managed to convince the doctors to release him from the hospital on Sunday instead of Monday. My grandfather had always wanted to die at home and not in a hospital bed. The next morning, my grandfather woke up, went in to brush his teeth, collapsed and died from a brain aneurysm.
My grandfather was an Episcopal priest.
I'm so sorry you're going through this tough situation. You are a wonderful daughter for taking such good care of your mom. I've lost both of my parents and I know that when you lose a parent, it is very heart breaking. It was also the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life and I still miss them very much to this day.
To answer your question, I think maybe some people feel "ready" to let go? I'm sorry, I'm not the best at explaining. I just want to let you know that it sounds like you're doing a great job of being there for your mom.
My mom passed away 2 1/2 years ago after a very sudden and random illness. It's so incredibly hard to lose a parent, so I'm sending you lots of hugs.
I honestly do think that some people know when the end is near. My grandpa insisted on having a 90th birthday party (he never asked for anything like that, ever). He ended up falling and breaking his hip a few weeks before the party and seemed to suffer a stroke during surgery. He could hardly sit up, couldn't talk, and the only question he would answer was "should we still have the party?" (he would vigiourously shake his head yes). So we did and he passed away exactly a week later. DH's family just went through this with his step-grandpa (grandma went into the hospital, grandpa wasn't doing so well but yet they still insisted on having their Christmas celebration even though all the kids wanted to cancel it and some talked about refusing to go because it was so silly to do with everything that was going on). Step-grandpa passed away the next day.
My mom also told my dad's parents in a conversation 5 months before she died that she thought her time was short (they didn't share this with me until after she passed away). She had no real reason to believe that she wouldn't be around, so it was just a feeling she had. Her younger brother used to say the same thing and he died in a freak accident at 35.
Not saying that's what is going on with your mom... it could really be the time of year and her missing your dad. Her recent health issues may be causing her to think about the "what-ifs" as well. I know it must be so hard for you though after what you went through with your dad. I know I have some anxiety issues related to losing my mom... I'm always thinking things are worse than they are (especially when it comes to DD and DH) and I panic that I'm going to lose someone else that I love all the time!
This.
Not to turn this to be about me, but earlier this week my aunt had a "bad feeling" about my grandmother, and went over to her house in the early evening to check on her. She (my grandmother) had gone into diabetic shock, and had passed out on the floor almost 24 hours earlier. Unable to get up or reach a phone, my grandmother was hours from death. Had my aunt not had that feeling and gone to check up on her, she would have died before morning. I guess the point of this is, never underestimate the power of your instincts.
((Hugs)) to you. My dad passed away in March, under what sounds like very similar circumstances as your Dad did. I do have an older sister, but she can be kind of a flake, so I understand the role you've had in trying to take care of your mom.
I tend to agree with the PP who said to listen to your gut feelings. I also think it sounds like your mom is ready to be with your dad again. I will say that I think my dad knew he was going to die (obviously he knew because he had cancer, but I think he knew it was imminent before any of us did- I was thinking he had months when in fact, he had days). I also think that in a way, he chose when to go. There was a night when he was really ill and my mom called the ambulance to take him to the hospice's in-house care facility. That night was so rough that the next morning, she told him that it was ok for him to go. He died the next day.
That being said, I don't know what I would do in your position. Just spend time with your mom and enjoy that as much as you can.
I believe that yes, some people do realize when it's their time to go. My grandmother was a prime example of that - she was very, very sick for a long time - spent the last year of her life in the hospital, and several of the last months she was blue. Nobody knew what she had (she died when my dad was a young teen, so I never met her). She told her family goodbye in a final kind of way one day, and they kind of brushed it off, and said "yeah, yeah, see you tomorrow." ... She died the next day.
If you feel like your mother is trying to say goodbye, and knowing that she's in a deteriorating state, it might be best to start preparing yourself, and be ready to let her go. Sometimes, the dying need our permission to leave. My other grandmother (mom's mom) held on until Mom told her it was okay to go... and she was dying from going septic, so quite a painful death, I would imagine.
I could go either way on this. I do believe that in some cases people know when the end is near. However, in your Mom's case, she could also be suffering from depression. I might have her seek the counsel of a therapist or clergy.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this. I can see where you're coming from. You're not crazy at all.
While I don't know what I believe in religion-wise, I do believe that people can have an inkling as to when it's their time. I also believe that sometimes a person can hang on until certain people are able to be there, or be in the same thought of one another.
Maybe it's her time, maybe it isn't. Either way, be there for her, stay strong and best wishes.
I am so sorry for your loss and for the unknown prospect for your mother.
In response to your question: I wholeheartedly believe that we know when we are dying. I don't know how much it has to do with my religious upbringing but I know what you mean about the way people act and saw that in all the close relatives of mine that have passed away.
My thoughts are with you.
I hope you don't think I am crazy, but I totally think your mom has heard your dad. My mom is a nurse and was taking care of my grandmother the last months she was alive. My grandmother sent my mom to the store for something silly and when my mom got back to the house, my grandmother had passed. We totally believe that my grandmother knew it was her time, and she didn't want my mom there.
My dad was killed in a car accident over 20 years ago when I was 10. I have actually dreamt and had conversations with him since he died. Now, he didn't tell me I was going to die, but he did tell me that he was always with me and would watch over me.
It is always hard to come to terms with the knowledge that someone is dying. Sometimes I think I had an easier time (if that is possible) when my dad died then someone who has a relative with a terminal disease. With my dad, it was a car accident and therefore one minute he was alive and the next, he wasn't...no suffering, no wasting away. But at the same time, I didn't get the option to say goodbye to him.
If I were you, I would spend as much time with your mom as possible. Maybe help her go through her stuff, get stories on recording to share with your child as they get older, make sure her life insurance and will are in order, etc. It won't be all fun stuff, but it will help when the time does come. And if you need to talk, I am always available.
I do believe some people know. My grandmother wouldn't let my cousin spend the night the night before she died (she always let him stay when she asked). The night she passed away, she hung up the clothes in her closet she wanted to be buried in.
Just be with your mom and keep doing what you are doing. If it turns out to be nothing, it doesn't hurt to spend the time with her you know?
I don't know and I don't really have advice but if something were to happen I think you can have comfort in knowing your Dad is there waiting for your Mom. I believe in ghosts and I believe we will see our loved ones again after we pass, so I think it is very sweet that your Dad is waiting for her to come join him. I hope for everyone's sake in your family that your Dad will have to wait awhile so you can have a lot more time and memories with your Mom.
I am sorry you have had to go through this and I just want to say you sound like an incredible daughter and a very loving person. I admire you!
Wow. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. I know what it's like caring for a sick parent, but I have no idea what it's like to lose one. This must be a very emotional and stressful time for you. To answer your question, I believe some people may know when they're about to die, but I'm honestly not sure.
I don't know what else to say, unfortunately, except that I'm so sorry you're going through this.