Miscarried and Husband's Family
My husband and I got pregnant (not really trying, but ecstatic, nonetheless) the day after Thanksgiving and miscarried yesterday. My family was so happy and has been so supportive, but when we announced the pregnancy to his family the day after Christmas and received unsupportive, judgemental responses (irresponsible because you're financially strapped, he already has 2 kids [from previous marriage] why do we need a third, assumptions that we're going to ask his mother to quit her part-time job to care for our child and how selfish that is [not our intention at all], etc.) Now we're having a get-together at his mother's house today, all will be there, and I just don't know what to say or how to act. I don't want their hollow, false sympathy, but I don't want to be rude. We're devstated about the miscarriage. His mom did come by last night with flowers, but I think it was more from guilt that grief or sorrow, considering that she told my sister-in-law she already had one child to care for (father-in-law has alzheimer's) and doesn't want another.
Am I out of line if I don't want to go at all? Am I being unreasonable if I want my husband to tell his family that I don't want to talk about the miscarriage? What do I say? How do I respond to their platitudes?
Re: Miscarried and Husband's Family
I have a "situation" with my sister in law that is similar. I think, that of all times, you are allowed to sit this one out if that is your desire. Your husband could tell them you guys just need a night to be quiet and be alone. You are not out of line to request for them to not mention the miscarriage, however, that is probably easier said then done, and you will still get the sympathetic looks or long hugs. If these people arent comforting to you, this may not help. As far as what to say, I told my SIL that I appreciated her concern and hoped that she understood my need for time to heal and lack of desire to talk about the situation. Then my husband blocked her email..he said it was for the best.
DD#1 9-4-04 *** DD#2 10-15-07
BFP#3 10-25-10 *EDD 7/1/11 * missed m/c @ 13w3d
BFP#4 7-30-11 *EDD 4/8/12 ~ DD#3 born 4/4/12
Warning - I'm drinking champagne (probably the ONLY plus side to being NOT pregnant...) -- I do not blame you AT ALL for not wanting to deal with them. There have been times in DH and my life where we have had to borrow money from his parents. During those times we would keep it secret if we splurged and took ourselves out to dinner once in a while (to a cheap restaurant mind you) and having to keep my finances secrete was akin to being a child. I hated that feeling. So now I avoid borrowing money at all costs. Anyway, let me give you a little bit of advice the next time someone butts in on your financial situation or kills your joy when you tell them you're pregnant because they think you are financially incapable... Politely say "I appreciate your concern" (because I do have to believe their comments WERE coming from a source of concern, no matter how misplaced) "but we haven't asked, nor do we plan on asking you to care for our child, and our financial situation is our own business. I realize that things will be difficult for us, and we will have to cut some corners, but considering women have been giving birth in poverty ridden countries for hundreds of years with nothing more than a hut and their breast milk, I think we'll be okay". "Further, if everyone waited until they were financially "ready" to have a child, no one would ever have children". (some of the best advice I got a long time ago, which I wish I would have taken, was "what do you mean you're waiting until your financially ready? you'll never be "ready", just do it...") Yeah, it really makes me angry when someone butts into someone else's finances
I hope that if you do go to this gathering that you're able to stay strong and remember, I'm sure they care about you, they just need to learn not to meddle
xoxo