OT: DH Vent (Sorry)

Marchmama11 · December 2010

I first of all want to appologize for venting, I feel like I am doing it a lot lately. It's just that I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't have any close friends anymore, and it feels wrong to vent about DH to my mom, I don't want her to think badly of him. You girls are all I really have, so those who read, comment, or give advice on this or any of my posts thank you .

My DH and I just bought our house, we have a baby on the way money is tight as it is and will be tighter when I am on mat leave (I will make 55% of my income). I listen to everything he tells me about money if he says cut back I do, our bills are split 50/50 so he never pays more than me. I always pay the bills on time. Right now our fixed expenses are the bare min, we don't have cable and we only have one vehicle (which I don't drive since it's standard). Lately DH has been very worried about money (new house, new baby I get it) so now he wants to look at all my credit card bills, all my bank statements and anything else to see where my money is going. He thinks that we don't have enough money left after everything is paid for. I admit I spend the money I have left, but I ALWAYS keep a balance in my account i never spend more that I have. I know when baby is here I won't be spending anything extra on myself since I won't HAVE anything extra to spend. I just don't feel comfortable with him looking at all my statements. I know he will judge me for what I spend and how much. I told him already if he wants me to spend zero extra I won't and he can check in Jan and make sure I haven't but he insists on seeing everything!

I feel like he doesn't trust me, and that he wants to take away everything. I have no car, I never see my friends so I don't have any anymore, he didn't like that I drank before at all and I don't now and won't when lo is here, I have no freedom I am just trapped at home with him all the time now. I am starting to feel really depressed when I talk to him about it he thinks I am being ridiculous. He thinks it's part of a being married to be on a budget and that EVERYTHING should be shared and no secrets. I see that his parents are this way too, and his mom is not happy but she does everything he says. I am just pregnant and tired and I don't want to fight and the fact that he doesn't care really kills me. I am only 25 I am the ONLY married one and the ONLY one with a baby on the way out of everyone I know. Also the only home owner so I have no one to compare to.

kiley&matt · December 2010

I don't know your husband or all of the facts, but to me, this sounds like emotional/financial abuse, just because you mentioned that you never see your friends anymore and you don't have a car. Was it his idea to have only one car? This could be his way of keeping you at home, which of course would make you depressed. That's taking away your freedom. You need to have a vehicle. What are you going to do when you have a baby and you need to take him/her to the doctor or some other appointment?

I understand he's probably stressed because of the baby and wanting to have money saved up before you're on maternity leave, which is really smart. I get that. Is there any reason why he shouldn't see your credit card statements? Are you hiding something from him or are you just annoyed that he's not trusting you? I'm assuming that he probably spends money on himself, as well, and you're not the only one spending money. This is just my opinion, but as long as the bills are getting paid and you're putting money in savings, what you decide to do with your personal spending money is none of his business. Again, I don't know all of the facts, so this is the best I can do with what you've told us.

honkytonk_kid · December 2010

I get it. It's obnoxious to be an adult who works for a living, and have to answer for every little dollar you spend. I don't think it's all about the money, at all- it's about having control over your own life and not being treated like a child.

If money is tight for y'all right now it's not ridiculous that you both agree to not spend extra money on non-essentials, but you should be able to do that without him checking your statements. Tell him no thanks, that's just not going to work for you.

Good luck

mmarsac · December 2010

I think you should both sit down and look at absolutely everything, including your financial statements and his financial statements. This way it's all on the table, and you know where your money is going. Try to combine your finances because that will make your money go further. After that, make a slush fund. Even if it's just $20 a month, you should both have a little extra money to spend where you don't have to discuss it with the other person.

Some people feel better when they can account for every penny. This is probably his way of coping, especially if money is tight. Everyone has their own way of dealing with finances, and sometimes it is hard to discuss them with your significant other without fighting and feeling judged. I know that my husband and I had a really tough time with this for the first year of our marriage. Good luck!

OctGirl80 · December 2010

"I feel like he doesn't trust me, and that he wants to take away everything."

To me, it sounds like you need to sit down and discuss these issues with your DH and the budget doesn't seem to be the biggest problem, IMO. To me & DH, being married means sharing everything and deciding things together (OUR money, not his, not mine) but not everyone feels the same way. Some people keep their money separate from their spouses and that works for them. Btu you do need to agree on how it's handled. If you feel that you get no where trying to talk to him, I'd even suggest counseling. You need to have things like this out in the open and be on the same page, whatever that is. If DH refused to tell me how much was in his bank account, I'd be seriously concerned about what else he could be hiding from me.

Also, I know that I am watching (and saving) every little penny since I won't have any income when baby gets here and we don't truly know what kind of expenses she comes with (complications, special formula, cost of diapers). Your DH may be thinking of these things and starting to wonder if you will still be able to pay the mortgage since your income is going to be so much less. I may be wrong, but to me it sounds like you are spending whatever is left after your bills and not putting much aside for "just in case". That might be his concern.

Bottom line, talk to him. Not about the money specifically, but about the situation, how both of you feel about it and why. Good luck.

erin3182011 · December 2010

Well, coming from someone who has completly seperate finances from DH.... We split ALL bills 50/50, even tho he makes WAY more then I do but that has always been our agreement. When we go out or do fun stuff tho, he usually pays. The extra money that I do have, I will admit, I have never been a saver and usually always find stupid stuff to spend it on, either on food, or coffee, or clothes I do NOT need!!! I pay all of the bills for both of us, and they are ALWAYS paid on time, never past due. As long as this is being done, I never get questioned on where my money is being spent. I do think tho that if he did question me more, then I might be able to save better cause I have no self control on my spending habits. I have been saving little bits tho for the baby, and have been buying stuff along the way, so I'm not too worried about finances once he comes, but I would actually not mind if DH wanted to sit down with BOTH of our bank statements and credit card statements and figure stuff out TOGETHER!!! If he just asked for mine, and mine only, I would FLIP out!!!! Good luck and I hope things work out.... this does not sound very healthy to me :-(

penguin-kisses · December 2010

I agree with kiley&matt that there are a few things you said which could be seen as red flags as far as abuse goes, but at the same time when you are married then sharing is part of the package. If you are on a TIGHT budget, but are still adhering to it, there's no reason you should be ashamed of showing him your credit card statements. If you don't have a budget yet in place then it's a good place to start but at the same time you should both sit down and review both yours and HIS credit cards, and bills and everything that applies to BOTH of you so you are both involved in the finances.

Unless you have a reason already that you should be ashamed or embarassed to show him where the money goes, I'd still call it a reasonable request (budget wise) but only if I assume he wants to see them (and show you his in return) to see where you'll both have to consciously cut back when your income is less. He could just be trying to be responsible rather than controlling?

Though addressing one red flag was the feeling you have that he doesn't trust you and he's trying to take everything away. I was in a bad situation where I felt exactly that way, and it turned out he really was doing this to me: He was screening my calls, telling friends I wasn't home or was asleep when they'd call even if I was just in the other room. He made me feel guilty for doing anything for myself, like I was wrong to want my own time or space to be myself, or away from him. Even if you only have one car, you say the only reason you can't drive it is because it's a standard - is there any reason you can't use public transit to go out and see friends or spend some time outside the house? Compared to Calgary (where I am) I really like your transit system and found it pretty easy to use even though I'd NEVER been to Vancouver before and didn't have someone as a guide.

It's crossing into dangerous territory if you can't talk to your own husband about how you feel. Do you think that counseling is an option?

I understand the feeling of being the only one going through things because your age - I'm 24, expecting #2, and don't really have any friends that are at the same stage in life as me so it's hard sometimes too. If you want to talk more free to message me. I don't mind

Quesera · December 2010

There are a lot of red flags here, I think you're right to be concerned about this. His behavior is very controlling. I don't think you're reluctant to share this info b/c you have something to hide; I think it's b/c your instinct is telling you that it isn't fair. Sure, he has a right to be concerned about finances once you're down to half of your income but it doesn't sound like he's looking for full disclosure, only that he wants to know exactly what you are doing. I would agree to this only if there is full disclosure of his finances as well. It's possible he's projecting and that his finances aren't totally in order and so he's fixating on yours.

Also, I would recommend that you either learn to drive a standard or find a way to either get your own car or get an automatic as your family car. Unless you live downtown in Vancouver not having a vehicle with a baby is pretty unreasonable, you will be totally isolated. I suspect that this is what he wants and it makes me sad for you. You could join some kind of Mom's or parenting group now to make some friends so that you have a support network in place after you have the baby b/c you're going to need it. This is your life too and you have to take charge of it whether you like it or not.

I think deep down you know that his treatment of you isn't fair and I'm so sad for you that you don't have anyone else to talk to. Try talking to your parents or reconnecting with some of your old friends; they can be there for you without necessarily being against him.

stephanie_shoe · December 2010

My husband and I have "his, hers, ours" accounts, and I am usually in charge of paying the bills that aren't on automatic draft. I pay for my student loans and car payment out of my account, he pays for cable, phone, and insurance from his account, and neither one of us really check up on each other. We put a substantial amount of hubby's income toward savings and retirement also. He is the only one that works and he just transfers money into our joint to cover incidentals, but since I feel guilty spending money sometimes I always tell him what I've bought, and it's never an issue.

I think he knows that since I handle the finances, I'm obviously not going to overspend. I agree that if your husband wants to see your statements, then you should see his as well just so you two are on the same page BEFORE the baby comes. Have you tried discussing how isolated you feel? I think it' time for a heart to heart. Good luck.

SweetLottie · December 2010

I agree and disagree with some things said above. I have a degree in Financial Planning and took courses on counseling couples dealing with financial stress. It is completely normal behavior for him to be trying to control as much as he can. Im not saying he is doing it in the most beneficial way, but lets step back and think about why.

We were all raised in different situations. Your knowledge of finances, whether it be savings or spending, come from how you were raised. For example, I didnt learn anything growing up because my parents kept it all hush hush. Some kids grow up with nothing. They learn from their parents stress to hold on to every penny they can, whether they really need to or not.

I suggest sitting down with your hubby and discussing his financial past. How did he learn about money? What was his first memory regarding money? Opening up about your past will help you understand where he is coming from and be more sympathetic to work towards a future solution. Discussing worries and fears with each other will keep yall closer rather than fighting about who spent what on what and why they shouldnt have. Those fights never lead to solutions. Instead discuss what your goals are in the next year, 5 and 10. Really try to listen to each other and connect the actions to the thinking.

I hope he is open to the discussion, you never know, he might feel a lot better knowing you are already as "tight" as he wants you to be.

Another recommendation, above someone mentioned having an account for extras (even if its just $20). This is really necessary in order for the longevity of your goals to be met. Things will always come up. You might say, "well thats what an emergency fund is for," I agree, always have that fund for car repairs and medical copays....but what about a nice dinner out with your hubby once a month? Or pampering yourself with a spa day.

If you feel like discussing all of this with a 3rd party who can shed some extra light, there are pro bono programs all over the country for family financial planning. Let me know if I can help.

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OT: DH Vent (Sorry)

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