BM checked into rehab
ambrvan
member
First of all, Merry Christmas to all. It's been great here, but I'm so glad it's almost over. My least favorite part is figuring out where to put everything afterward. lol! We cleaned SD's room BIG TIME a couple weeks ago, but there is STILL not enough room for everything. lol! Oh, well. She had a good time, and we still have to go to Nana's.
And now onto the title subject. Yep. On the 23rd, BM checked herself into a rehab center. We're not sure what for. It's a multi-purpose center (alcohol, drugs, mental, etc), so it could be anything.BM's parents won't tell DH why she went to rehab, only that she is very sick. My thinking is that he needs to know. He made it very clear to her parents that whatever the reason she went, he is very glad she went, and he hopes she takes advantage of it and that it helps. He made sure they understood (or well that BM's mother understood, because her dad made sure we knew he could care less whether he saw SD for Christmas) that everything he has done had not been to hurt BM or because of any kind of bitter split parenting jealousy or anything. BM's mom said she understands, and that she is sorry she chose to be so blind to everything that was going on for so long. But she is still holding onto what little family pride she has left by not telling us what BM went to rehab for. She and her husband are all about appearances in the church and community, and she couldn't let it get out that her daughter was in rehab. But for BM to go just two days before Christmas, means that even BM must realize that it's gotten serious. But because she signed herself in, she can sign herself out at any time. We just hope she takes advantage of it while she can.
Until Thanksgiving, BM was only getting SD and her other kids EOW (and she was often skipping most of her time) at her parents house, but we found out not long ago that she was taking them to her house with no electricity and no hot water and telling her parents that she got permission from us and her other kids' dad to do so (they didn't know she had no electricity or anything). The older kids told their dad about it and they called us. We all were able to immediately get things changed and now BM is not allowed to get any of the kids overnight and she is not allowed to get any of the kids without the father or a court official (her parents cannot be the appointed supervisors anymore).
Re: BM checked into rehab
Wow. Hopefully BM takes this seriously and gets the help she needs.
BFP 11/23/10 MMC @ 7w3d Discovered @ 10w2d D&C 1/12/11
BFP 7/6/11 Our Lucky Charm born 3/5/12
Right now, I don't think it is any of your business why she's in rehab. And it certainly isn't her mom's job to tell you.
When she tries to reestablish visitation with your SD, then I think it's time to know more details about what's going on. And until those details are disclosed, I would think visitation would remain on hold.
I'm glad that she's finally going to be getting the help that she needs but I will disagree with you on one thing. I don't think you or your DH have any right to know why she's checked herself into rehab. It's a very private thing and if she gets to the point where she's comfortable telling you what's going on that needs to come from her and no one else.
Aside from all that, I'm glad you all had a good Christmas and hopefully a very happy New Year.
This. Although I am a complete nosey Nelly and would be DYING to know!
This was my first thought. It is your DH's business because they have a child together where this changes visitation/custody, what not. It is about the childs saftey and being aware of what you are up against. I think how you handle/deal with her once she is out changes depending on what she went in for. And you need to know now to start planning what actions you will need to take.
Exactly this. If she's in there because she's having some depression problems that's one thing, if she's in there because she was snorting coke off hooker's butts that's a whole different story. I think that the specifics of the situation might warrant making some temporary changes to the CO NOW while she's in rehab so when she gets back out or God forbid she leaves before she's better, the child isn't in a potentially dangerous situation because the CO didn't get changed and she pulls her right to visitation against your best judgement.
Under some circumstances I would say you were right, but taking into consideration the past in this case, the fact that BM has only EOW right to visitation and often no-shows, I think that the rehab is just one effect of a larger problem. And you're correct about privacy laws except that in the case of child safety in a visitation or custody fight, quite often judges open those 'private files' to a counselor/attorney for the other parent/or guardian ad litem so that a decision can be made by the court as to the appropriate steps to help both the parent and child. Without at least going into court and addressing this issue with the judge, the appropriate party that you speak of will never have a chance to view the files and look into the situation prior to the mom getting out of rehab which could leave the kids in a potentially dangerous situation. Furthermore, the judge is the only one authorized to decide whether the other biological parent should be granted access to the HIPPA protected files, and in many cases...they do allow those files to be shared for the child's sake.
Totally understand where you're coming from and I know these cases are not always black or white. What jumped at me from the OP is the snark and the "surprise" that BM's mom didn't tell them, along with the sense of entitlement that they MUST know. Is she kidding? What is she talking about that the family is only about appearances at church and that the mom's just holding on to "what's left from their family's pride".....excuse me, if I were the mom, I would not share my daughter's private struggles with the ex and his new wife either. And it would NOT be becuase I would be holding on to some pride. In fact - they would be the last people I would tell. She's just protecting her daughter and she's trying to give her some peace to deal with whatever it is she's dealing with. That's completely natural and I don't see anything wrong with that. People struggle every day and the snark is not necessary on the OP's side.
I am all for disclosure to the appropriate parties. I said that in my post. I think the OP should do everything in her legal rights to let the court know that this is happening. Of course. I also absolutely think that the judge/mediator...even the laywers, if it's allowed, should know in order to best decide the custody arrangement. Totally with you on that - I was merely pointing out the fact that it's not unusual/bad/uncalled for for the mom not to tell the new wife and exH about her daughter's private struggles 2 DAYS AFTER SHE WENT IN. She needs to relax. That's why we have privacy laws. They do NOT need to know right now, unless they absolutely (legally) NEED to know....later....kwim?
I see your point but also the OP's. The BM's mom is also the grandmother to the kids involved and I would hope that if BM's rehab is for something that could potentially effect the child/children in any way, that she would disclose that information. Protecting grandchildren is as important as protecting children. It's easy to say the the last people you would tell about your own daughter's struggles is the ex and new wife but look at it from the other side...if your daughter's ex went into rehab and you had no idea why but knew that he had been ditching his visitation and then suddenly checked into a center, I would think that you would want your daughter to know why so she could act accordingly to protect her kids.
You don't have to agree with it, but when it comes down to it...the children's best interest is what is paramount because they can not defend or protect themselves the way that an adult can. If its something she can't control like needing medical treatment for depression/etc then it's great that she has gotten help for it but the circumstances surrounding it need to be looked into even if hurts her pride a little. If it's something like drugs or alcohol, well then she made the decision to abuse those substances in the 1st place and her pride doesn't matter at that point IMO. She's an adult and if she made bad choices she's going to have to man up to them.
I understand where all of you are coming from, and I didn't mean to seem insensitive to BM's business about this. I very strongly believe DH has every right to know why BM went to rehab (read my update thread I posted today), but I don't have the right to know. You're all absolutely right about that. And frankly, while I am a nosy rosy, if that information is to remain unknown to me, it's fine and appropriate.
I wasn't at all surprised that BM's mother did not tell DH anything (I never spoke to her about it because I am only a figure in the distance, and I always let DH take care of business. So when I say we, I often mean DH. I tend to say "we" a lot because we are a team, and it misconstrues things a lot when I type it on here. I should really be more clear, and specifically say "DH").
Also, I do understand that she just wants to protect her daughter, and if I were in her shoes, I would not want anyone to know either. But... In this case, she needs to start putting her grandchildren first and start opening her eyes to the fact that her daughter has problems. She has always bailed her daughter out of trouble, but at 30+ years old, it's time to let them sink or swim. And BM is sinking fast. BM has made her choices and can choose now for herself. These kids cannot. Grandma needs to open her eyes to that and stop covering and making excuses.
But again, I probably should have read over that post before I actually put it through. It came off with a huge sense of arrogance and entitlement.