Time to introduce myself...
GaJillee
member
I've been lurking for a while but I'm feeling kinda crazy today so I figured it might be a good time to introduce myself and say hello.
My daughter was born into Heaven on October 16th of this year @ 23w3days. We found out that there was no amniotic fluid around her (amniohydrominos?) at our 21 week anatomy scan. Because there was no fluid, I got an infection which caused my labor to start. Anyway, that's the short background on me.
I've been doing good lately...not crying everyday or everytime I think about her...but I'm kind of in a funk today. Feeling weepy. A friend of mine just posted that she's expecting a girl. I feel terrible that I'm not more excited for her...but I secretly wished it would have been a boy. I've got to get over this jealousy, bitterness, whatever it is. I don't like being a Bitter Betty! Tell me I'm not the only one being a jerk about pregnant friends? I'm trying very hard to stay positive. I know we'll be blessed again...but I don't want just ANY baby. I want my daughter. It makes me really sad to even type that out. It's just so true...and sometimes I even feel like I'm being disloyal to her that I would even think about being pregnant again...even though that's what I want!
I'm sorry that this was so long...I think I just needed to release. So thanks for "listening". 
Re: Time to introduce myself...
I wish that I could climb through this computer and give you a huge hug. I wish that you (and all of us) could have avoided this horrible trauma. None of us deserve it. You are in mourning and it is totally normal what you are feeling. It is a very common and natural response considering what you have gone through. I have had a lot of the same feelings you have had. It's hard not to be jealous, bitter, angry, frustrated, and all the other adjectives ...
What I can tell you, thinking about having another baby, and actively attempting to do it again is in NO WAY a betrayal against your daughter. Look at it this way, if she were still here and you were wanting to give her a sibling, would you feel you were betraying her? You will not stop loving her with a new baby. You will not love her any less when you have another baby - you will continue to love her every bit as much as you do now once you have another baby in your life. The heart is an amazing thing and it has room for so much love and I can sense that you have infinite love to give.
I know you don't want to hear that time will make this better... because it will NEVER be better. You will always miss her.. but it will be different. In time you will learn to celebrate her, and you will be able to move forward and have another baby. Unfortunately we don't have that magic button that pushes us forward, past the pain to where we can live life every day not feeling like there is a huge weight on our chest and it takes everything we have to breathe. We just have to take it one day at a time. Know that you have friends here who understand. Give yourself a break and try not to beat yourself up so much about feeling jealous.
And in that regard, someone on here gave me some good advice once. When you look at pregnant women, realize how hard it is to actually have a baby, and realize what a miracle that life is. Realize that you don't know that other persons story (unless of course it's your friend) and you don't know what they went through to conceive. You also don't know what the future holds and the horrible things that can happen (my cousin in law was diagnosed with cancer the day after giving birth). That helps me when I look at someone else with jealous... (not always, but most of the time)
Best of everything to you!
I am so sorry for your deep loss. I wasn't as far along as you were, but I feel the way you described above as well. I wanted THIS baby - my baby, and I'm tired of everyone saying we'll get pregnant again. I do want to get pregnant again someday, but I also am mourning the loss of my first baby and I don't want to already "move on" thinking about another pregnancy. I feel like I'm not honoring this baby if I do that. Anyways, sorry the ramble, I had my D&C today and all the drugs are still coarsing through my body.
I think what you are feeling is defn normal and it's okay to not be excited or positive all the time, esp when it comes to other people's babies and pregnancies. We all need time to grieve and it's so hard. My friend had her baby at the same time as my D&C today - how's that for bittersweet? I know this will get easier someday. We will never forget, but we will move forward some day.
I wish you lots of comforting T&P on your journey through this grief.
PGAL/PAL welcome
BFP #2 9.12.12, EDD 5.24.13, Baby Boy Born 5.15.13!!
My Ovulation Chart
3 Clomid (100mg) cycles + TI + Trigger = BFN's, Femara + Trigger + IUI#1 = BFN
Femara + Trigger + IUI#2 = BFP!
"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." ~Gandhi
I was 20 weeks and let me tell you YOU ARE NOT BEING A JERK. I feel the exact same way now. My very good friend who is sweet as pie is due a couple weeks before I was due. And I go through days where I just want to run as far away from her as possible. I also go through days where I even wondering why me... It is part of the grieving process.
(((Hugs)))0
5/9/2013 = Our rainbow was born!!
08/18/2012 - BFP (Hoping this is our rainbow!)
06/24/2012 - Loss confirmed at 12 weeks
12/14/2010 - Loss baby girl at 20 weeks due to Turner Syndrome
01/2009 - Chemical Pregnancy
My Blog
I know how you are feeling. I found out yesterday that a girl I went to high school with is pregnant and due Aug. 9th. I wish she was't pregnant or at least that I didnt know about it. She got married just a few months after and and is a few months younger than me. If I was still pregnant she would be due just a few months after me. I dont know why that pattern popped into my head as I lay awake in bed thinking about it last night. Hopefully I will be able to get over it soon and be happy for her but right now not so much. Im doing ok with my cousin who is due the day after I was due. We were supposed to have our babies grow up together. Well anyways what you are feeling is normal. And I hope for both of our sakes that it passes with time. I dont feel guilty about because I think its a normal part of the grieving process. I pray for us to have sticky babies next time!