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cantalopes24
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Question for those of you who had bridal showers (long but I need help!)
cantalopes24
member
Who paid for and organized your shower and how did you come up with a guest list?
The reason I am asking is I am a bridesmaid in a wedding NEXT AUGUST and the bride is already being a ridiculous person about her guest list. Keeping mind no one has ASKED HER for a list for a shower or even mentioned a shower to her. She has 70 people she would like to invite, many of which are out of town (some requiring a plane ride) but she is convinced she MUST invite them and that they will come. She is expecting us bridesmaids to throw her shower and we have not been offered financial help from her family. Her Aunt however did volunteer to "help" but never specified what that help was.
The bride and her family have now decided that her Aunt will host a shower for family and that we will host a shower for "everyone else" but wants to make sure we dictate to people not to bring any "innapropriate gifts such as lingerie". From my personal experience I did not know anything about my shower until I was at it, and had nothing to do with the guest list or cost. Is it just me or is it beyond rude she is telling us we MUST throw her this shower and she will tell us who to invite, and we will now be recieving no help from her family since they are throwing their own shower.
With the exception of one bridesmaid (friends soon to be SIL who is all for the double showers) none of us can really afford to do anything beyond a pot luck at one of our homes where we buy decorations, a cake, plates, etc. We don't know how to approach the subject, although my first inclination is to tell her to shove it and if all these people are dying to be at a shower for her then they will find ways to make it happen. The out of town family she sees several times a year,they could easily have a shower for her then. My solution was to say we should not invite her fiances friends wives and other same age friends, and instead hold a seperate shower with a racier theme so it won't matter if they show up with a blender or a vibrator. Her Aunt can still have the family shower and I could host 20 or so girls at my house. 2 of the other 5 bridesmaids are on board, the SIL has not responded, and for some reason the other 2 bridesmaids don't even know shower plans are being discussed. Thoughts?
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Re: Question for those of you who had bridal showers (long but I need help!)
I had 3 showers. Family and friends were mostly separated, minus bridesmaids, who were invited to all. I think your idea is good. Let her family do a family shower, and you guys do the fun one. 70 ppl is a lot for 1 shower.
ETA: My matron of honor lives in my hometown, I gave her a guest list of friends/family up there. I believe my mom and bridesmaids paid for that one, it was only 30 -40 ppl. The other showers were smaller and where I live now, one paid for by my mother-in-law, and another by my friends.
To answer your first question, my mom threw my shower and (mostly) took care of the guest list although I did tell her what friends of my own I wanted to invite.
Now, on to your situation - I agree that your bride friend is being pretty rude to expect that you and the rest of the bridesmaids host a shower especially when there's no help from the family and rules like "no inappropriate gifts". I think it's fair to ask your BMs to HELP out at the family/friends shower, but to make them throw a whole party on their own? Ridic.
Still, it doesn't seem like you can reasonably just ignore your friend's request, er, demand. So - throw the shower, but only provide what you and the other ladies can reasonably provide. Perhaps a few of you can talk to the bride and let her know that while you're happy to give her a party, it must have some limits in terms of guests and refreshments.
I hope you find your resolution!
This doesn't answer the question you asked in your first sentence, but your situation sounds EXACTLY what my coworker just went through. She was one of 4 BM's in a wedding where the bride AND her mother had crazy-ass expectations of the kind of shower they were supposed to be throwing the bride - with no financial assistance from the people that were demanding this elaborate shower. 80-person guest list, fancy country club venue, the works. And it was all "presented" to the BM's like "hey, this is what you have to do, this is what the bride and her mom want, and you have to pay for it to boot."
What my coworker ended up doing was getting consensus from the other bridesmaids on what amount of $$$ they could contribute as a group, the type of shower they could host for that $$$ (30ppl, pot luck/catered, at xyz location/home), and basically told the mother and bride that if they wanted something else, they could make up the gap in funds. It was pretty ridiculous.
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Ok Lopes, here are my thoughts:
One, I don't think she is really out of line by already talking to you guys about a shower. Most of the time, bridesmaids are expected to either help plan, throw, or finance at least one bridal shower. This might not be the popular opinion, but I don't think she is being rude by telling you who to invite.
As for the 70 person guest list, I doubt the out of town family will be attending. In the case of both my family and my husband's family, all of the women in the family are invited to showers, regardless of location. So if you factor in the out of towners not attending, what does that bring the list to?
From my experience, my bridal shower's theme was a surprise to me, but I selected the date and provided the guest list to my MOH. My bridesmaids were afraid they wouldn't remember all the people they needed to invite, so it was much easier to have me do the list.
I think the separate showers are a good idea. If the bride really doesn't want racy gifts, it is not difficult to spread the word, or you can make the theme of the shower pretty clearly not lingerie/toy friendly by hosting a 'stock the kitchen' shower or one along those lines.
Sorry for the novel-length response haha
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One of the wedding party is her 13 year old cousin so the bride expects to recieve these gifts at some point, but not at her shower in front her cousin, mom and conservative grandmother. I can understand that, but I don't feel comfortable telling people what they can or can't buy for someone else.
If she were ONLY being like this about the shower I could understand, but most her bridesmaids have several things going on in their lives right now that take priority over her wedding planning and she doesn't seem to get that. I don't understand why a shower for an August wedding would need to be planned 9 or 10 months in advance. She has already had people drop out of her wedding party so I guess its a good thing we didnt order our dresses over this past summer like she wants lol. If someone had asked her for a guest list I would get it, but IMO it is beyond rude to assume someone is throwing a party for you, especially when you are well aware what you are asking of them is beyond their financial means.
ETA: Without the out of towners its still about 50 people which is beyond our means, I am only person in the bridal party with my own home and it is not big enough for that many people. We would have to rent out a hall and none of us can afford it, and no one in her family has offered any solution than two full on bridal showers which IMO if her Aunt is having one would excuse us from it. I don't mind hosting 20ish people at my house, but I don't appreciate being ordered around by my supposed "best friend" of 10 years.
Your bride sounds a bit off right now; hopefully she'll chill a bit. It's not cool for her to be making these demands. A shower is given not demanded. Personally, I'd ignore it for now, just smile and hope she gets centered. Eventually you can ask for a guest list for the racy shower and talk with the other BMs about what you are all comfortable doing. Personally, I feel like you can tell her the number of people you are comfortable hosting and go from there.
I had one shower thrown by my sister (MOH) and BMs. It was at a restaurant and I knew it was going to get pricey due to crazy MIL's invite list (she had more on "her list" than my friends and family combined. We had a nice chat and she understood why the list needed to be cut- but she still brings it up... sorry for the vent/tangent). Bottom line, I ended up paying for most of my shower. I knew my sister and BMs' financial situation and wasn't comfortable having them spend $ they didn't have. I talked to my sister directly and told her I wanted to pay a month of her rent b/c she's my rock star. This way she was free to plan a reasonable shower with some $ help from the BMs (some contributed $, others time) and not jam herself up financially.
Good luck with the shower; I hope this experience eventually becomes fun for you.
I had one shower that was orgainzed by my 4 bridesmaids and my mom. We got lucky in that my MOH worked in a nice, fancy restaurant and she was able to secure that for free during non-business hours and it was fabulous!! I was asked for a guest list and I had about 35 people on it...mostly family (I have a large extended family) and my close friends and my mom's close friends who I've known since I was little.
I think your friend is being a little unreasonable in expecting something big and fancy. The way I looked at it (and what I told my bridesmaids) is that I was just happy they wanted to throw me a shower, it didn't matter if it was in someone's basement with chips and dip!
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I had 2. One done in town by my sister-in-laws. Only one of the 3 was in the wedding. They offered to throw me one and I sent the list to them. They took care of everything else. I know my one SIL paid the bill, but I would imagine my other SILs and MIL helped.
My other shower was done OOT and my BMs paid for everything. Again they offered and I gave them the information they requested.
I had four showers. Two out of town, two in town. All of them offered to host the shower. They also offered what type of shower it was going to be. I think my mom's friends worked with her to determine the most appropriate theme (linens... and yes lingerie was included in linens, which was fun.)
I personally think a shower should be an intimate setting (certainly not 70) and it should be up to the hostesses, when/if they are throwing it. On the other hand, I do think there are "traditions" that say a Maid/Matron of Honor should host something for the bride.
I wasn't going to have a shower and then two of my mom's friends (and mine because I've known them my whole life and now they are my coworkers) offered and almost demanded that they get to throw me a shower. They asked my preferences about certain things and asked for a guest list, but I left most of it up to them. The guest list was about 22 people and most of them were our mutual friends and coworkers as well. Only about 12 people ended up being able to come, so it was nice and cozy. They had it in their house and it was totally perfect!
I personally would say that it sounds like she's being a bridezilla. I would tell her what you can manage to do and tell her that you don't mean any offense, it's just the most you can handle. Having the 2 showers seems like a good idea, too!
ETA: They paid for the shower. I asked what I should contribute, but they wouldn't let me.
I can never understand these crazy brides and their demands! I had two. I had NO CLUE about either of them. I had a family/friend shower and a work shower.
My sister (and MOH) threw my family/friend shower and my Mom paid for it. It was only about 10 of us. And I opened racey gifts in front of my Grandma
My work shower was put together by our President and co-workers. It was lunch and three gifts.
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I had a seperate lingerie shower and I opened gifts in front of my mom, MIL and MHs grandma as well as a woman who was like a grandmother to me. Including the vibrating *** ring my mom gave us lol.
I think traditionally the maid of honor hosts the bridal shower. The bridesmaids are typically there to help, and most of them I think want to.
From what Ive read, its traditional to have only immediate family and close friend come to the shower. No one who is not invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower. Personally I find 70 people to a shower a lot! But how many people does she have invited to the actual wedding? For my shower I had approximately 20 people, my sister organized it with help from my mum. I can understand no racy stuff with grandparents/kids around - isnt that for the bachelorette party anyways?
I would find it helpful if the bride can provide the guest list, as you many not know everyone and their contact info. I do not think the bride should have any other involvement with the planning after that. And I think you need to be realistic and set a budget that works for you, and those that are helping you financially. There is no reason for you to get in over your head financially over this, or allow other important aspects of your life suffer because of it (ie. TTC!!). You need to be realistic with yourself, and your bride needs to be respectful and considerate.
I hosted a shower not long ago for the Bridezilla of all bridezillas, and I swore I would never do it again. I was so stressed I gained weight and couldnt fit into my dress a week before the wedding! LOL!!! I spent the week drinking so much water and eating barely anything!!!
It definitely was not worth the stress, nor the months after trying to loose the weight. Now, I am planning my sister's but only because I love her 
Best of luck!
Traditionally I belive it is the bridesmaids responsiblity (sorry). My main shower was thrown by my bridesmaids. My Mom's best friend also gave me a smaller shower in my hometown which is where the wedding was held. From what I read family had no responsibility to throw the shower. We invited all of my a large majority of the women invited to the wedding even if I knew they couldn't come - just so they felt included. I also had a bachelorette party which allowed for a smaller group and racier gifts. GL
I'm a lurker not sure why this is the post I decide to chime in for but here goes.. I didn't have any showers a combination of non of my bridesmaids living near me or each other, family spread out, and I simply don't like asking people to do things for me.
But clearly this girl and her family have their own ideas of how things should be done. I agree 70 is a ton of people and it was rude to tell you to throw a shower for 70 people but planning weddings bring out the crazy in people. Are there creative solutions to a place like maybe a church? If someone is a member of a church they can probably hold a shower in a fellowship hall there or something. Or does the park district have indoor places that can be cheaply rented? Or is someone a member of a club like Eagles, VFW or something with a room? Yes it might not be a super fancy location but it can be decorated nicely.
Good luck with the next 8 months!
I love those things.
So, I agree with the posts above that have told you traditionally it is the BMs who are responsible for the shower. That is because traditional etiquette dictates that family members should not be requesting gifts. The traditional etiquette is also to invite all of the women invited to the wedding. Of course, this has become very convoluted over the years. I mean, when these rules were written, the average person was not inviting 200 people to their wedding, and most people lived in the same towns or nearby. Not to mention, the no family hosting rule, has been thrown out the window by a lot of people because of the money and size involved of modern weddings.
I only mention this to you because if she is a traditional person, it isn't that her family has their own set of rules. This is where she has come up with the idea, and it is just that a lot of people don't follow traditional etiquette rules anymore. (This is not a judgment on my part- just an explanation). She may be giving you the list of names because she doesn't think you know everyone who she thinks should be invited.
Personally, I had one shower thrown by my BMs which included my sister as MOH. They paid for it. But, they only invited local people, which lucky for them did not include my inlaws because they live too far away and wouldn't have come to that and the wedding. So, it was small and did not set them back alot. I have been in a couple of weddings, and I have always assumed I would have to bear the brunt of the cost of a shower or that it is a possibility at least. People can decline being in the wedding if they can't afford the committment. I had one friend do this and I wasn't offended. If I could have paid for her I would have, but at the time I couldn't swing it, So, she did a reading at the ceremony instead.
I do think it is inappropriate for the bride to be telling you to tell people what to bring. That is just plain rude. People should be able to bring whatever they want. Hopefully, people don't bring lingerie to a regular bridal shower, but if they do tough for her. You can't really tell people what to and not to bring.
My sister (MOH) and bridesmaid threw my only shower. We had a small wedding, so the shower guest list was small (anyone invites to the shower must also be invited to the wedding). I think there were about 20 people. My sister asked for my guest list. I'm hosting my sister's in February, and I basically did the same - asked for her list, then planned what I could afford for the number she gave me.
Yes, I think it's very rude to tell you who to invite to the shower, and that you must host one, for that matter. I think 70 is huge and very unreasonable. With that many people, you'd probably have to rent a venue or a restaurant, which could get insanely expensive. I'd tell the bride that you have a budget in mind, and to be able to make it a nice party for everyone invited, she can invite X number of people and to give you her list when she has it.
It's insane what brides expect of people. Bridesmaids don't have "duties." Bridal showers aren't a given - they're an expense and a gift to the bride from the host.
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