Blended Families
suze423
member
Do you love your SKids like your own?
suze423
member
I have a 9 year old SS and do not feel anywhere near this way about him. I don't have any children my own so I can't really say I do/don't love him like my own but I don't see myself ever feeling that way towards him. I find him to be annoying, whiny, and bratty. His behavior is partly due to his BSC mother so I try to take that into account but still dread the weeks he's with us (every other week, Sunday to Sunday) and count down the days until he leaves.
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Re: Do you love your SKids like your own?
I love my ss very much, and feel a strong need to protect him from the bad crap in his life and help get over the issues he has. That being said, it's a totally different love than I feel for my daughter.
Just for the record, most 9 year olds are annoying and whiny.
I love SS very much. He just turned 10, and I have been in his life for 5 years. I don't have the same bond with him as I do with DD, which is not really unexpected or unusual.
Why did you marry your DH if you can't stand his son? Please don't be one of those SMs. Realize that he is a child, and you and DH are adults. If he is acting up while he is with you, talk to your DH, get on the same page for parenting, set rules and enforce them. Don't just lay all the blame on his mother. He is with you half the time according to your post? You and your DH are responsible for teaching him how to behave.
You don't have to love your SS, but you do have to treat him with kindness and respect.
I absolutely LOVE my stepson. He's 14 now. To me he is my son, but we've had absolute full custody for the majority of his life. I also don't have any children yet, so I don't have anythin else to compare it to.
Give it time. When we first started getting visitations, it was weird, different. The feeling definetely grew with time.
I cannot imagine my life without him.
It's not so much that I can't stand him but there are definitely times when I don't like having him around. He just about refuses to entertain himself so he's constantly either following me everywhere or walking around the house with a pouty look on his face, grumbling about how bored he is. He's babied by BM and her family and has learned with them that crying will get you out of doing things you don't want to do. While that doesn't work in our house, it doesn't stop him from trying.
And I'm not trying to play the blame game with BM, his life with her is just very unstable to the point that CPS has visited her home.
ETA: Sorry if this comes off as defensive.
I don't think it comes off as defensive...but the explanation of his life with his bm pretty much explains why he is the way he is at yours. He can't entertain himself because he's screaming for the attention and stability that he doesn't get at his moms. I could have wriiten that a couple of years ago, before ss came to live with us full time and chose to have very limited contact with his mom.
And if most moms are completely honest, they will admit that there are times when they don't like having their OWN kids around! I have always said that the old saying is true. You will never love anyone like you love your own child. But no one ever shares is that there will also never be anyone that pisses you off as much either!
This!
It's super easy to blame the other parent. I found things got a lot easier for me when we stopped doing that and started taking ownership of the time we had them. I first sat down with my husband and we talked about what we wanted the rules to be in our household (and we still do this just to keep it fresh and up to date) and how we would handle potential situations. I also had an opportunity to air what behaviors that I was not entirely down with in the kids... and it has worked out wonderfully! My SD's behavior has improved dramatically, we are also told by other people how polite they are, and they seem to be happier. Best of all, it's improved my relationship with them and theirs with me. There's a closeness now that wasn't before, and all because we have very defined rules and structure.
I once read somewhere that children don't want to be bad, they want you to approve of them and praise them and like the things that they do. They just don't know how to go about getting that good attention.
So you have him nearly 50% of the time but all of his behavioral problems are because of his mom? Oooookay.
Wanting to play with you and grumbling when he doesn't get to is pretty normal kid behavior.
My H says he doesn't feel that his love and bond is any different with DS (not biologically his) than with DD (his), but we have DS 98% of the time. It sounds like you're closer to just not liking your SS than just not loving him like your own--which I would agree is not attainable in all (or even most) situations.
Ok, I just read your post and wanted to point out that maybe his behavior is due to your attitude (and do not tell me that you write this hear but treat him oh so perfectly IRL) and due to your DH who raises him 50% of the time. Why is anything that is "wrong" with a child always due to the BSC BM instead of the man that has custody just as much time with him? And why does a man choose to marry a woman that cannot stand his kid?
ETA: and if you have your own kids they will also drive you nuts refusing to entertain themself and following you around the house. Just be happy you do not have a 2yo that refuses to let you go to the bathroom without trying to sit on your lap.
First, I am going to address your issue WITH your SS. His behavior is AS MUCH YOUR FAULT as his BM.
I mean, if there was a CPS visit, what have YOU (that would be BOTH OF YOU, since you married his father) done to help your SS with the issues? You cannot effing complain about behavioral issues when you have more than enough time with the child to work on them properly and (more importantly) recognize that they come from a place that needs special attention.
I mean really, your not any better than the "BSC" BM you are blaming.
I took on a 13 yo boy who literally did not know how to pour his own cereal, make his own bed and would throw temper tantrums (throwing himself on the floor, banging his head till the point of bruses, screaming hateful vitriol, running away, destroying property, etc) whenever he would did nto get his own way or got caught at doing something wrong.
And it wasn't until DH DEALT with him correctly (it took a trial separation to get DH moving) that SS's behavior turned around. Yes, we have a long way to go (he is no where close to age level because he knows he can still occassionaly manipulate DH), but I can honestly say it worked.
So instead of complaining about it, or going on the internet looking for someone to agree with you, why not get a plan together? Start with his school counselors and take it from there.
As for your question about love, do you love your parents and siblings exactly the same? Of course not, because each person is different and YOUR relationship with that person is different.
I do belive that the strenght of one's love is based on the overall relationship - the time you have spent together, the age you come into each other's life and how you interact with each other.
I came into my SD's life when she was 18 and her going off to college. I have not seen her in a year. I love her, but my connection to her is pretty loose, so love for her is weak.
We have had full custdoy of SS for the last 3ish years. It has been very rough going. DURING the worse of it, my love for him actually strengthened. Partly from my FORCING myself to remember that I loved him, even when he was calling me an evil witch that deserved to die, and partly because I put so much time and effort into working with him...interacting with him....being with him....
And my love for my DD is strongest. That is because I have been in her life from the moment of conception, because I MUST interact with her on a daily basis and because there have been no conflict between us to disrupt our connection.
However, there are days when her little Toddler Self will test my very being (usually on the days when she gets up at 4:30a) and I do not feel my love.
But here's the thing. This is exactly how I feel about my siblings. I have absolutely NO relationship with my younger brother. We have nothing in common and he is 9 years younger then me. I love him, but it is not a strong emotion.
My relationship with my sister is very much stronger. But our teen years were very hard and about 4 years ago, we actually could say that we hated each other. But we decided to WORK on our relationship. And the more we talked to each other and spent time together, the stonger a bond grew.
I can honestly say that I love my Sister more than I love my Brother. And I love my DD and SS more than I love my SD. But I love my DD and SS about the same level....just for very different reasons.
I love my SS very much. I have a very deep love for him and it brings tears to my eyes thinking of my life without him. With that said, I love he and my DD in a very different way. I don't love one MORE than the other, it is just a different love.
I think the best way to compare it is I love my SS with the love that I have for my niece and nephew. I think it's a bit more complex than my love for them, but it's along the same lines. I cannot love my SS with the same deep mommy love that I have for my DD. I did not cary him for 9 months, I will never have the connection with him that HIS mom has with him, and I shouldn't. I may have a very strong bond with him that I don't think a lot of SM's get to have with their step children (and that comes, I think, from being around him from such a very young age) but it is not the love I have for DD. That love is a very special love.
Everyone told me when I was pregnant that this is how it was, and I was terrified I would no longer love my SS. My whole pregnancy I worried about becoming the evil SM because I would no longer love him. That isn't the case at all. But it is different.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
Geez How do I want to say this?... Shouldn't a step parent love all the children in the house the same way? Granted in our situation my daughter has never even met her biological father. Part of being in a relationship with my SO, I expect him to love & treat my daughter as if she is his own flesh & blood. It is not fair to her to be the only child in the house without a father.
By saying the love is different then the love for a biological child is like saying the love for an adoptive child is different. I have never heard a parent say they love their adoptive children differently. Even those that have bio & adoptive children. Personally I love both of my children equally but they both are biologically my children.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
I am not a BM, just a SM. That being said, I have been in their lives for quite some time. Do I love them? Sure! Sometimes I like one more than another at the time, but I love them equally. I go to their concerts, etc, and tear up knowing their my skids. I'm a proud SM! They don't love me like they do their dad/mom, but I don't expect them to, either. I do know they care a lot about me.
(oh, wait... I do have a puppy-does that count as being a mom?
although SD did say to me-that dog really loves you, Wicked! It's nice to feel loved!)
Forgot... Yes, they do get whiney and bratty and SD even put her friggin' sneaker on the dining room table the other eve-I was a bit livid with her, but that's kids. I did it to my mom-maybe not the sneaker on the table, but I also feel they are at the age where they're going to start challenging more than they did before... lucky us---ah!!! Pre-teens...
Libby - you're wrong about the adoptive parents. Please don't throw them all in the same idealistic bag. A very dear friend of mine has adopted a boy this year and they also have a bio boy who is 4 years older than the adopted toddler.
Her and I have had many talks about the adjustment, the growing love...etc., and although she is doing all she can to bond (they did the presribed no holding by a stranger for six weeks besides mom&dad&brother...etc.) and her love for the little one is growing each day, the bond is not what it is with her bio child at this point. She loves the little one dearly, protects him, nurtures him, but it's not the same. They've had the last 5 years to bond with the older one, and only about 4-5 months with the little one. You can't blame them - and they are fantastic and loving parents to both boys. But when you ask her: she will tell you that honestly the deep deep connection that she has with her older bio kid, is not (yet) there with the little adopted one.
Also, I think Krissy is an excellent SM and it's not right for you to attack her honesty - when she said that her deep raw connection with her daughter is different than the "learned" love she has for her SS. She respects the fact that he has a MOM, whom he will always love the most and it's healthy and natural that way. I can't stand the SM's who compete with BMs for love, affection and all that. She is taking a healthy step back when it comes to that, although she loves him very dearly and protects him fiercely. If you read her posts every once in a while, you would know.
Nope. And I am adopted and came close to starting the adoption process and step-kids are different. Most of the kids from this board (not all) have other parents that are in the picture even if the parent's suck. If there is another parent in the picture I think you are likely stepping on toes to expect the relationship to be the same. And my SD was 11 when I met her, I think it is rude to think that I should feel the same for her as my kids just b/c I was not part of her life in the formative years (and I have no idea when the formative years officially end but you get the point.)
And if you and DH divorced it cannot be assumed that you would be allowed any contact with SS but you would still have your DD, as long as he has a Mother the relationship is not the same and I cannot stand when people get all self-righteous and expect it to be in all cases.
I love both DD and SS with all of my heart. I wish the same things for them in life as they grow older. However, the bond that I have with them is different. It's difficult to explain but it is what it is.
BTW, kids being annoying, whiny, and bratty are fairly common behaviors.
Honestly, no. I have only been in their lives for 2 years, although I do love them and care about them, but it is not the same. I also favor my SD who is 4 more so than SS who is almost 13. It is easier to bond with younger kids.
I feel the exact same way that you do. I've been in SD9's life for 4 years, and it gets harder and harder. SD is with us during the week and with her BM on the weekends. During the week, we have structure, routine, and rules. On the weekend, according to BM, she is a terror, does not listen, and is manipulative. Why? B/c BM lets her be that way. While the behavior issues we deal with at our home are not as severe as what BM is dealing with, there are still issues, and I attribute that to her coming from two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT homes. She is going to test the waters and see what she can get away with. We nip it in the bud and talk to her constantly about things, but it is still really hard. With your own child, you won't be dealing with a kid who goes from home to home w/ different rules and expectations. With your own, you will have constant consistency that won't be interrupted by a good or bad BM. Regardless of if BM is a saint or a demon, the break in consistency would throw any young kid through a loop. We've done everything to try and get BM on the same page...gone to therapy, talked to her, gave her suggestions...she takes those suggestions for all of 2 weeks and is back to her "convenient parenting" ways...she does what is convenient for her...not what is best for the child. So the point of my rambling...yes, you have your SS 50% of the time, and yes, you can impact the way he behaves and teach him right from wrong when in your home. However, kids are extremely malleable, and can change tunes in a heart beat when going from house to house...and that is what you are dealing with and feeling frustrated over. And you won't have that with your own biokids.
As far as SS not being able to entertain hisself and wanting to have you play with him all the time...we dealt with this with SD as well. She was constantly up my butt, to the point where I could get nothing done. Just because a child lives in your home doesn't mean you should have to entertain them 24/7. Sure, it is probably the age. However, with my own biokids, I'll have no problem saying "why don't you go play" or "go find something to do." I think I feel bad telling SD to do this b/c she is dieing for attention b/c she gets little from her BM. And yes, I know for a fact that she gets little attention from BM...I am not just blaming the BM...I know this for a fact from therapy sessions, the BM admitting it herself, SD telling us that she was sent to the babysitters or her grandmoms, etc etc. However, for my own sanity's sake, as well as for normal development of a 9 year old, we have begun encouraging her to play in her room more. We've almost had to make suggestions to her as to what to play b/c it seems like she has no clue. It is a little annoying that she needs to be prompted so often to go and play, and I'm thinking that my own children won't have to be prompted to go play or find something to do b/c they won't have the million and one issues (for lack of a better word) to deal with that come with coming from a split family.
I know how hard all of this is. Don't feel bad for the way you feel. I think the way that you feel is much more the norm then the "lovey dovey one big happy blended family" nonsense that a lot of people on this board claim to be a part of. I think that BM's who have their own biochildren in a split situation are much more accepting and "in love" with their stepchildren as opposed to stepmoms who were childless coming into the situation. And don't listen to people who say "Why did you marry your DH if you "hate" his child?" You never once said you hate his child...and for the people who say that, many of them are divorced from their biokids father, so why did they marry someone who they inevitably divorce? You married your DH because you love him and accept his baggage, good or bad. Remember that respect and communication are key, and I think from there, all else will fall into place. Be realistic, and accept your situation for what it is. Forcing yourself to love someone else's child will only end in disaster. If the love comes, great. If not, be the best role model and supporter you can be. Good luck!