How do you handle your LO being "beat up:"

Mrs.Hooper · December 2010

I was wondering how other moms handle their LO being '"beat up". By "beat up" I mean : Pinched, hit, kicked, or bitten. Were in a situation where our nephew (same age as DS) seems to bully our son. He tends to bite, hit, and push our DS and its very heartbreaking to watch this happen to our son and to have our nephew doing it. The hard part is...its family. So its difficult to "just up and leave". How would you handle this situation with out offending SIL and BIL?

We do try to watch the boys really close to prevent things from happening but its happened even with us standing right their. SIL have been doing much better about sitting their son down on TO and telling him no. I just feel sad for them because DS avoids playing with his cousin & doesnt like him close to him...but i cant blame him!

How do we find a solution to help both of us?

kreeper611 · December 2010

I haven't been in this situation, but I would talk to the parents. How old is the nephew? Old enough to understand? If so, I would talk to him in the "we don't bite/hit/push" kind of way.

If nothing changes, I would just not be around them and let them know why.

Sure, kids are going to do that sort of stuff. DS got bit at daycare last week...it happens. But if it were to happen again and again, then I wouldn't just let it go.

leslie13510 · December 2010

Well my two bully each other around quite a bit, but some things I don't allow. No biting, pinching, hitting, kicking, or pushing is ever allowed. Ever. In those cases (which thankfully are getting rarer and rarer) I step in, pull the offender away, tell them that "No, hitting/kicking/whatever is not nice! We do not hit!" ask them to give the other one a hug and be nice (sometimes they do hug, sometimes they don't), and leave it at that. If it continues more than once or twice, then the offender gets removed from the room entirely and/or has to come sit next to me for a few minutes with no toys until they decide they can be nice. That usually does the trick. Only once has it gone on after that, and in that case she spent a couple minutes in her crib with the door shut. I guess it was kind of like a time out in a way, but not the traditional "sit in that spot and don't get up or else" kind of way which I think they're still too young for.

Now if it's things like one kid taking a toy from another, or both of them wanting to play with the same thing but not wanting to share, then I let them work it out unless it escalates to a harmful or dangerous behavior. I've noticed that by letting them work things out on their own, they're actually getting a lot better about sharing things. Nathan is ok with handing a book he's reading over to Riley because he's figured out that she'll get bored with it after 30 seconds and give it back to him, and that's far easier than fighting over it and getting in trouble. Riley is ok with sharing the balls in the backyard because she's realized that she can just go get another one out of the bucket and have just as much fun with it.

Also, frequent modeling of gentle behaviors while there isn't a problem is important. You want to give them the tools they need before the situation arises where they need them. If your SIL doesn't do that on her own, you'll want to make doubly sure that you do it while he's around you.

Mrs.Hooper · December 2010

kreeper611:
I haven't been in this situation, but I would talk to the parents. How old is the nephew? Old enough to understand? If so, I would talk to him in the "we don't bite/hit/push" kind of way.

If nothing changes, I would just not be around them and let them know why.

Sure, kids are going to do that sort of stuff. DS got bit at daycare last week...it happens. But if it were to happen again and again, then I wouldn't just let it go.

He is 3wks older than DS. The "not being around them" wont work without the "family" being upset. I understand kids will be kids...but when it happens over & over...what do you do? On a good note...nephew is getting a bit better!

Ceto · December 2010

I recently got back from a trip to New Mexico where my mom, DS and I went to visit my aunt and her 3 year old son JJ. It honestly felt like instant hate between JJ and Jaxen. JJ wouldn?t let him play with anything or even sit in the chair, and all Jaxen wanted to do was follow him around. We were there for a week and the first couple of times JJ hit Jaxen I let it go because he is an only child and my aunt pretty much lets him do whatever the F he wants. But eventually it got old. The only think she would tell him was ?JJ that?s not nice.? In this sickeningly sweet voice. Not surprisingly that didn?t do anything. My mom kept begging me not to say anything to her sister, but it ended up with Jaxen actually getting hurt (JJ slammed the door on him and ended up pinning Jaxen between the door and the door frame. That was the last straw for me, the next time he hit my baby I reached over and popped him in the back of the head. (not even that hard, but hard enough to get his attention and show him it hurt) My aunt freaked on me. I guess it was fine for her three year old to beat up on my one year old but to do anything to her kid was outrageous. In the end, she actually blamed Jaxen for JJ?s behavior and wanted me to just keep Jaxen locked up in the bedroom while JJ was home. She finally spanked him once. Just once. Then took him out for a treat because she felt bad and we booked it back home to Texas. Long story short, while that time I really didn?t do much about the bullying, the next time an older kid (who is a family member not some stranger) keeps being a little brat to my younger kid I won?t hesitate to give his or her mom and dad an piece of my mind or to swat the kid myself. Or if the situation allows, speak my mind to the parents then leave to avoid further conflict.

leslie13510 · December 2010

Ceto:
I recently got back from a trip to New Mexico where my mom, DS and I went to visit my aunt and her 3 year old son JJ. It honestly felt like instant hate between JJ and Jaxen. JJ wouldn?t let him play with anything or even sit in the chair, and all Jaxen wanted to do was follow him around. We were there for a week and the first couple of times JJ hit Jaxen I let it go because he is an only child and my aunt pretty much lets him do whatever the F he wants. But eventually it got old. The only think she would tell him was ?JJ that?s not nice.? In this sickeningly sweet voice. Not surprisingly that didn?t do anything. My mom kept begging me not to say anything to her sister, but it ended up with Jaxen actually getting hurt (JJ slammed the door on him and ended up pinning Jaxen between the door and the door frame. That was the last straw for me, the next time he hit my baby I reached over and popped him in the back of the head. (not even that hard, but hard enough to get his attention and show him it hurt) My aunt freaked on me. I guess it was fine for her three year old to beat up on my one year old but to do anything to her kid was outrageous. In the end, she actually blamed Jaxen for JJ?s behavior and wanted me to just keep Jaxen locked up in the bedroom while JJ was home. She finally spanked him once. Just once. Then took him out for a treat because she felt bad and we booked it back home to Texas. Long story short, while that time I really didn?t do much about the bullying, the next time an older kid (who is a family member not some stranger) keeps being a little brat to my younger kid I won?t hesitate to give his or her mom and dad an piece of my mind or to swat the kid myself. Or if the situation allows, speak my mind to the parents then leave to avoid further conflict.

Yeah, I'm sorry but if you ever swatted my 3 year old child, or popped them on the back of the head REGARDLESS of what they had just done, you would be kicked the eff out of my house and never invited back. You don't hit someone else's child, whether they're family or not, whether the kid is the biggest bully you've ever seen and you think they "deserve" it or not, it doesn't matter, you DO. NOT. HIT. anyone else's child for any reason. If they're that bad and you're worried about your son's safety then you leave, or speak your mind to the parents all you want, but you do not physically discipline the other child. Ever. I don't even care if they tell you that it's ok to do so, it is never your place to do that.

Ivana_Stolichnaya · December 2010

I wouldn't tolerate that behavior. Momma bear comes out and I'm there 110% to protect my child...hurting the family's feelings is the last thing I would be concerned with. I would tell them up front to control their kid or keep him away from my child.

janjag · December 2010

I would probably do the same thing I'd do with my girls, get serious and say, "No bite/push/hit. That hurts." in a firm voice. That's what I do if I get bitten too Then I re-direct the child to something else. If the child that got hurt is crying/upset I console and try to direct my attention to that child rather than the child that just got reprimanded.

We are also working on the sign for "sorry".

If your SIL/BIL have a problem with that, IDK what to tell you... maybe they shouldn't have too many play dates until the concept of sharing develops.

mandi7782 · December 2010

leslie13510:
Ceto:
I recently got back from a trip to New Mexico where my mom, DS and I went to visit my aunt and her 3 year old son JJ. It honestly felt like instant hate between JJ and Jaxen. JJ wouldn?t let him play with anything or even sit in the chair, and all Jaxen wanted to do was follow him around. We were there for a week and the first couple of times JJ hit Jaxen I let it go because he is an only child and my aunt pretty much lets him do whatever the F he wants. But eventually it got old. The only think she would tell him was ?JJ that?s not nice.? In this sickeningly sweet voice. Not surprisingly that didn?t do anything. My mom kept begging me not to say anything to her sister, but it ended up with Jaxen actually getting hurt (JJ slammed the door on him and ended up pinning Jaxen between the door and the door frame. That was the last straw for me, the next time he hit my baby I reached over and popped him in the back of the head. (not even that hard, but hard enough to get his attention and show him it hurt) My aunt freaked on me. I guess it was fine for her three year old to beat up on my one year old but to do anything to her kid was outrageous. In the end, she actually blamed Jaxen for JJ?s behavior and wanted me to just keep Jaxen locked up in the bedroom while JJ was home. She finally spanked him once. Just once. Then took him out for a treat because she felt bad and we booked it back home to Texas. Long story short, while that time I really didn?t do much about the bullying, the next time an older kid (who is a family member not some stranger) keeps being a little brat to my younger kid I won?t hesitate to give his or her mom and dad an piece of my mind or to swat the kid myself. Or if the situation allows, speak my mind to the parents then leave to avoid further conflict.

Yeah, I'm sorry but if you ever swatted my 3 year old child, or popped them on the back of the head REGARDLESS of what they had just done, you would be kicked the eff out of my house and never invited back. You don't hit someone else's child, whether they're family or not, whether the kid is the biggest bully you've ever seen and you think they "deserve" it or not, it doesn't matter, you DO. NOT. HIT. anyone else's child for any reason. If they're that bad and you're worried about your son's safety then you leave, or speak your mind to the parents all you want, but you do not physically discipline the other child. Ever. I don't even care if they tell you that it's ok to do so, it is never your place to do that.

ITA! Speak to the parents or leave. Never take it out on the child! Your aunt was correct on freaking out on you.

alltwistedup · December 2010

mandi7782:
leslie13510:
Ceto:
I recently got back from a trip to New Mexico where my mom, DS and I went to visit my aunt and her 3 year old son JJ. It honestly felt like instant hate between JJ and Jaxen. JJ wouldn?t let him play with anything or even sit in the chair, and all Jaxen wanted to do was follow him around. We were there for a week and the first couple of times JJ hit Jaxen I let it go because he is an only child and my aunt pretty much lets him do whatever the F he wants. But eventually it got old. The only think she would tell him was ?JJ that?s not nice.? In this sickeningly sweet voice. Not surprisingly that didn?t do anything. My mom kept begging me not to say anything to her sister, but it ended up with Jaxen actually getting hurt (JJ slammed the door on him and ended up pinning Jaxen between the door and the door frame. That was the last straw for me, the next time he hit my baby I reached over and popped him in the back of the head. (not even that hard, but hard enough to get his attention and show him it hurt) My aunt freaked on me. I guess it was fine for her three year old to beat up on my one year old but to do anything to her kid was outrageous. In the end, she actually blamed Jaxen for JJ?s behavior and wanted me to just keep Jaxen locked up in the bedroom while JJ was home. She finally spanked him once. Just once. Then took him out for a treat because she felt bad and we booked it back home to Texas. Long story short, while that time I really didn?t do much about the bullying, the next time an older kid (who is a family member not some stranger) keeps being a little brat to my younger kid I won?t hesitate to give his or her mom and dad an piece of my mind or to swat the kid myself. Or if the situation allows, speak my mind to the parents then leave to avoid further conflict.

Yeah, I'm sorry but if you ever swatted my 3 year old child, or popped them on the back of the head REGARDLESS of what they had just done, you would be kicked the eff out of my house and never invited back. You don't hit someone else's child, whether they're family or not, whether the kid is the biggest bully you've ever seen and you think they "deserve" it or not, it doesn't matter, you DO. NOT. HIT. anyone else's child for any reason. If they're that bad and you're worried about your son's safety then you leave, or speak your mind to the parents all you want, but you do not physically discipline the other child. Ever. I don't even care if they tell you that it's ok to do so, it is never your place to do that.

ITA! Speak to the parents or leave. Never take it out on the child! Your aunt was correct on freaking out on you.

Yeah I would be likely to want to hit you in the head if you touched my child. Just saying..

Mrs.Hooper · December 2010

Ceto:
That was the last straw for me, the next time he hit my baby I reached over and popped him in the back of the head. (not even that hard, but hard enough to get his attention and show him it hurt) My aunt freaked on me. I guess it was fine for her three year old to beat up on my one year old but to do anything to her kid was outrageous.

Indifferent

I personally dont think any parent should punish a child other than their own....also hitting for hitting doesnt really solve the problem?

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