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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Does your family spend the same $ on gifts for both you and DH?
I don't normally post much on this board but I thought you ladies would have some good input on this situation.
DH, DS and I spent Christmas Day with my mom and sisters (my parents are divorced). My mom works at a bookstore and doesn't make much money. As we opened our gifts, my two sisters and I and DS had a mound of gifts while DH was given two books and some lounge pants from my mom. My grandma also gave my sisters, me and DS each $100 and didn't give anything to DH.
Obviously DH was hurt. We've been married for 3 years, together for 7, and not once has my mom spent the same amount on him in terms of gifts that she does on me and my sisters. His mom on the other hand is always giving us equal gifts in terms of value.
I'm just wondering what the rest of your families do, and if my DH has a right to be upset. I did mention something to my mom and she responded "I just wanted to make a nice Christmas for everyone...". I think she was offended that I said something.
Thanks in advance!
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Re: Does your family spend the same $ on gifts for both you and DH?
My parents get us a family gift rather than indiviual gifts. Last year they got us a Wii, this year a zoo membership and a costco gift card.
I definitely think it's better to do it this way so you don't run into the issue that you're facing. I mean honestly I don't think my parents would really know what do get DH anyways.
My parents have always spend the same for the children plus their spouses. DH's family I'm pretty sure does the same, I've never seen a big difference to suggest otherwise.
We are in the exact same situation, and have been for years. You are lucky your DH got a few things, mine only got one present from my parents. While DS and I got so many gifts it was ridiculous.
It makes me sad, because like you, my in-laws give the exact amount to each of us. It's very fair, whereas my family looks like they are playing favorites.
I want to read what other people think about this. I haven't mentioned it to my parents, because my mom is a drama queen and will make a huge scene out of it.
My ILs do not buy me gifts at all and I'm fine with that. They send $100 to DH and the baby.
In terms of my parents, they generally buy more for me and get DH a few things. However, this year they got DH more than they bought me, but got most of the gifts for DS. I didnt think twice about it until you asked this question.
Honestly, I find it kind of odd that an adult feels bad that his in laws didnt buy him presents.
My mom spends the same amount on me as she does my DH...but she spends waaay more on DS - which is how it should be IMO. I'm an only child (if that makes any difference). Now - my dad always gives me something "extra" from him...this year it was $50 cash. He doesn't buy DH anything extra. He bought DS a pink & purple bowling set (weird?) but whatever. My parents are still together too.
Now my IL's spend the same amount on each of us. It always seems "fair" and nobody is ever upset or thought they got the shaft.
I was thinking this same thing...
Maybe you don't understand because it hasn't happened to you?
Getting a check in the mail that is not addressed to you is one thing. Sure, it sucks but it's not the same as sitting there on Christmas while your wife opens present after present and you only get one thing. That would make anyone feel bad. I don't know why you would think that's 'weird.'
My side yes. There are 6 of us kids on my side, so my parents have learned it it best to keep it even. As we have gotten older, some of us have spouces and we have a lo. But they still keep it even. Some years it is a couples gift, sometimes not. At some point i know my parents will stop providing "Chirstmas" for us, and i am 100% ok with that.
My husbands side is way different. And i am the one left out most of the time. It used to hurt my feelings, but now that we have Stella I dont mind. We did get our first couples gift this year so that was nice....however it is a set of ladders so odviously its Dhs.
Bottom line...We are not intitled to our gifts.
I think its the fact that they bought her and their LO alot and him a book.. I would be offended. I wouldnt care if they said you know what we cant afford gifts this yr so we are not going to buy anything or we will just buy for the kids or we are having a diner or whatever..But I think its understandable that he was hurt. DH's family spends pretty much the same or at least you can tell they spend the time picking out stuff for both of us..and my family gives us about the same too..I mean my dad got me a shirt and a 50$ gift card..but he gave DH a $25 gift card and an AmericanE sweatshirt which are expensive..so that made sense. I def would have felt the same way. I would feel like they dont think much of me,
my parents are divorced.
at Dad's and Step-Moms - they spend the same per kid... meaning me, my two sisters and two step brothers - they spend the same amount... to the penny!
My sisters each have two kids and I only have one... so in turn I get more gifts than them.. step bros one has a girl friend the other doesn't the one that is single gets the most gifts....
At my Mom's and Step Dad's they do stockings for the adults... My sisters, BIL's and DH and I all get about the same amount... Christmas there is for the kids... equally spent per child
At IL's house they buy tons for DD and DH and I always get lots... I get really random things, but my MIL works at PB so there is nothing wrong with getting random gifts from there! This year I got new soup and gravy ladles. Beautiful picture frames, towels for our new bathroom, another super plus throw blanket. I also got a necklace from the Coach store.
No, it has happened to me. When my ILs lived closer, they would buy presents for DH and not for me. They just send money now because they moved far away and find it silly to pay a ton to ship presents. I never cared. I think it's weird to care as an adult, personally. I never took offense to it. It's their biological child, and I don't need anything. I couldn't care less about opening presents on Christmas personally and haven't since I was a child. My DH is the same way-not once has he ever mentioned keeping tabs on gifts and me getting more things than him.
Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
Because I am an adult and how many presents I get really doesn't matter, and I wouldn't feel offended if my husband got more than I did... I would expect my in-laws to get him more gifts seeing as how he is their son.
Any gifts we get are for both of us. And it's usually just a card with a check or gift cards included. Most of the gift giving and opening is focused on the kids. We're all (as in both DH and my family/siblings) past the age of sitting around as adults and opening present after present from our parents.
I will say that the IL's gave the same thing to me and my husband as they gave to SIL. So while she is single, she got the same amount. But I never even thought twice about it until this thread. I don't ask for or expect anything from my mom or the ILs, I'm just very grateful for whatever they are able to give us.
Baby Boy #1 born 1/15/2010
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I kind of thought it was weird at first that he mentioned it, but thinking back I think I would have felt left out too. It wasn't like I got four things and he got three. My mom bought me and my two sisters 15 or more gifts each (indivdually wrapped) and probably double that for my LO. So we were opening for an hour while he was just sitting there.
I think for him it is more symbolic of the fact that he isn't close with my mom. His mom is very involved in our lives, whereas my mom is more standoffish.
I asked my mom to do me a favor for next year: split the amount she would normally spend on me and divide it evenly with DH. I also half-jokingly said she could give it all to DS if she wanted.
Thanks for your thoughts and ideas!
This.
Hmm.. maybe next year you could request something for your mom to buy you for Christmas you might need for your house and both you and DH will use? Maybe that might be a good idea instead of buying you a bunch of small little things and would also make DH not feel left out since it's something for the both of you to enjoy.
What about your sisters and their partners? Did your mom give fewer presents for them as well (sisters' partners)? If so, I would not be bothered. If she is giving equal gifts for them and not your DH, I am not sure how this should be handled. I would not be upset if ILs gave more presents to DH. But ever since we've been married, ILs always give us gifts that are for the entire family. We usually do not get personal gifts for DH and I separately.
I think what you said to your mom is good. Hopefully she'll take it to heart and next year your DH's feelings won't be hurt.
My IL's are good about being equal, my family is working on it, they do tend to get me more but not a lot. At least in my family DH is always included and on their 'list' my SS's boyfriend (they've lived together for three years) gets forgotten about all the time.
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Only one of my sisters has a significant other, and he did not spend Christmas with us, so I am not sure my mom got him anything. But I would expect that if they were married he would get something from my mom, especially if he was there. I also know his parents got my sister a bunch of gifts.
I think for next year I will ask that if my mom chooses to get us a gift, that it be a joint gift or gift card for us to share. I don't want her to think I am ungrateful, as I definitely appreciate all she had done. She just seems to get offended so easily and I don't want to make her feel bad. We kind of have a distant relationship as it is.
My parents buy more for me than for DH, and DH is not hurt and doesn't care. DH mom and stepdad used to buy more for him than for me, but lately (since DS has been born) they have been spending equal amounts on us. DH dad and step mom usually buy more for DH than for me, and I am not hurt. For Christmas DH got an $100 GC to futureshop and I got a $50 GC to Bed, Bath and Beyond. Would I have LIKED $100? Sure lol. But I'm not hurt or offended by being given less. It doesn't matter.
And I don't think you should have said anything to your mom. You said yourself that she doesn't make a lot of money, and although your DH IS a relative of hers now, he isn't her son. YOU are her daughter. DH Dad doesn't see me as a daughter, so I am fine with getting less. They are also having financial problems and I was honestly really grateful and happy that they sent us anything at all. I was thinking they'd MAYBE send a toy for DS this year, and that's it.
H is his mom's only child and I don't like her so she only buys for H...cool with me. My mom usually does a joint gift, but gives me something extra because I'm her 'baby' and my brother doesn't speak to her. FIL sends a check....we split it. GrandFIL also sends a check that we split. My dad didn't get us anything this year because he and I aren't on good terms, but he bought LO a snow suit and gave him $200...score!
To OP...I think your H should just be grateful he received a gift...sheesh.
People are different, I guess. I honestly don't feel bad when DH parents bought him a ton of stuff and I only got a few things. It doesn't matter--they aren't my parents. Maybe if I was very close to them I would feel bad, but I just can't see getting upset over it and neither does DH. One year i got like ten things from my parents, and DH got four. He didn't care AT ALL.
Same here.