WWYD?

FacciaBella83 · December 2010

To make a long story as short as possible, my friend just sent me an e-vite for a birthday get together at a casino, (which has a bar and nightclub inside). Smoking is permitted and there is a lot of it. I smoked for 10 years. When I quit cold turkey last January, I tried to avoid places that allowed it because it was very tempting for me. Now that I'm pregnant, that is the LAST place I would be. For some reason she really likes the place and always made a stink if I didn't want to go. I already had to cancel last minute for her last event, (which was a semi-formal sweet 16 for her daughter), because I thought I was having a m/c that night. I know she's going to be highly pissed if I back out again. I'm not going to that place regardless if she gets mad or not because my baby's health is more important, but we've been friends with her and her husband for years--they were even in our wedding. I know she is a very self-centered person and I don't expect her to be supportive because she never is, but I don't want her to think I'm being a snob about it or just making excuses not to go. I'm not quite sure how to word the reasoning for my not going without either looking like a snob or getting mad at her for even suggesting I go to that place at 5 months pregnant.

Thoughts?

sleepingbeauty825 · December 2010

Can you have plans that you can't change that night? Perhaps suggest a birthday lunch instead?

Or blame it on doctor's orders. That always works.

Or you could just tell her the truth but suggest a birthday lunch instead.

lynn97 · December 2010

I'd just tell her the truth - that you don't feel comfortable going someplace where smoking is allowed since you're pregnant. No offense, but if she's self-centered enough to get pissed off about you being responsible, she's a pretty crappy friend. Maybe offer to take her to lunch for her b-day or something as a token to appease her, though? Just in case she's just feeling blown-off lately or misunderstanding your lack of attendance at her events?

urbanflowerpot · December 2010

My thought? Yikes. I'd decline with another invite: say you'd love to take her to a birthday lunch/out for a cupcake/something cute. I'd bring a little giftie, too, if she was that kind of friend. I am astounded that she was miffed at you for missing another event while you might be having a m/c. Yikes again.

Jake Ian's Mommy · December 2010

I would just be honest.

forensicmama · December 2010

I would write her a nice letter (so she couldn't talk me out of it) saying, "I'm pregnant and you know that I quit smoking cold-turkey in January. The last place I want to be, for the sake of my health and the health of my baby, is a casino. I really wish I could be there for you." Then I would reassure her that I love her very much and I wish that I could be there for her. If she's a true friend, she wouldn't feel that you're being a snob! She would probably either deal with the thought of you not being there, or choose a different location.

mybobofo · December 2010

I would be up-front and tell her the truth. The last thing I would want to do is say yes (or maybe) then not go. I like the ideas of lumping the "no, thank you" together with another invitation.

mom2alex17 · December 2010

lynn97:
I'd just tell her the truth - that you don't feel comfortable going someplace where smoking is allowed since you're pregnant. No offense, but if she's self-centered enough to get pissed off about you being responsible, she's a pretty crappy friend. Maybe offer to take her to lunch for her b-day or something as a token to appease her, though? Just in case she's just feeling blown-off lately or misunderstanding your lack of attendance at her events?

THIS!
I would make a date with her. If she doesn't understand, we wouldn't be friends much longer.

ManiacMcGee · December 2010

IMO this has nothing to do with you being a former smoker and everything to do with you being pregnant. Just tell her straight up that second hand smoke is toxic for the baby and you will not be attending.

ctrickey03 · December 2010

I would tell her the truth. Explain to her that as much as you'd love to go, you can not risk the temptation of the smoke nor can you risk smelling it when you have a child inside of you. If she can't seem to understand that then she needs to get over it. You and your child is more important than any casino. Hopefully she'll be fine as long as you explain you'd really would love to go, but you feel the risk is too great. Maybe you two could plan something where you could go somewhere else another day?

PinkBackPack · December 2010

I would tell her why you aren't going and then extend a lunch invitation for her birthday. If she doesn't understand, that's her problem and not yours. You have to protect the LO growing inside of you and that should come first.

KandM05 · December 2010

lynn97:
I'd just tell her the truth - that you don't feel comfortable going someplace where smoking is allowed since you're pregnant. No offense, but if she's self-centered enough to get pissed off about you being responsible, she's a pretty crappy friend. Maybe offer to take her to lunch for her b-day or something as a token to appease her, though? Just in case she's just feeling blown-off lately or misunderstanding your lack of attendance at her events?

This. You have a totally legit reason for not attending. Just tell her the truth...and if your really concerned that it will upset her, like PP said, tell her its doctors orders (after all, i'm sure your doctor WOULD agree that you shouldnt go). And then offer to take her out to lunch or have her over for a birthday dinner. Beyond that, there is nothing you can do, and if that doesnt satisfy her, I'd rethink whether you should keep her as a friend.

p1nklemonade · December 2010

i would not go, and just tell her the truth. you can offer to take her to lunch for a birthday celebration, just the two of you, if you want to be nice.

FacciaBella83 · December 2010

I took everyone's advice and sent her an e-mail politely declining and suggesting alternative dinner plans with our husbands. I'll see what she says, if she even responds at all. She'll either give me crap or not give a crap at all, (both are highly likely).

The thing about her is that she wants what she wants when she wants it--regardless of how it affects other people. If you don't want to go along with her plans, you're left high and dry. She has two kids so she definitely knows that second hand cigarette smoke is toxic to unborn babies. But to her, that's my problem that I can't go--not hers. This is the way she is and has always been and I accept that. She is fun to go out with and our husbands get along really well, but I don't expect any more from her than that.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I agree that suggesting alternative plans was the best way to handle it.

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